Full disclosure, when Facebook’s Messenger Kids (MK) first came out in 2017, I was skeptical. As a GKIS screen safety expert, I published an article accusing Facebook of branding our kids and introducing them to the world of social media too young. Soon after, Facebook’s Head of Global Safety contacted me to let me in on some things I hadn’t thought about. She said that they’d done the research and found that kids were already using their parents’ messaging apps whether we liked it or not. To increase safety and offer parent management and kid-friendly features, they decided to trial Messenger Kids. They also offered me a volunteer spot on their Youth Advisory Committee for ongoing input. Since I joined in 2017, I’ve enjoyed a monthly collaborative call with about 25 other child development experts from over the world. Messenger Kids has benefitted from some of the most respected experts in the business, including Sesame Street, The Fred Rogers Institute, and the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, among many others. Do you want a safe way for your child to message and video chat with friends and family? This GKIS Sensible Guide offers you the information you need to make a competent decision about whether Messenger Kids makes sense for your family.
What is Messenger Kids?
Messenger Kids is a video conferencing app for kids that was released by Facebook in 2017. It was created as a safe alternative to Facebook’s Instant Message.
How old is old enough for adoption?
Messenger Kids is designed for kids ages 6 to 12 as a safe, parent-managed way for children to video chat and message with friends and family.
After downloading the app, you will be prompted to complete the following:
Log into your Facebook account
Once logged in, you will be prompted to enter your child’s name and their birth date.
After the account is created, you will be shown a list of other Messenger Kids accounts, as well as Facebook accounts to add to your child’s friend list.
Add a second parent or guardian who would be able to manage the account as well.
Set a code that your child can give out to their friends which would request your permission to be a contact.
After you have completed all the above steps, your child will be prompted to add a photo of themselves, set a color to decorate the app, and complete “missions” to get to know the functions of the app. Your child will be prompted to read the Messenger Kids Pledge to be kind, be respectful, be safe, and have fun.[i]
What are the main features?
A parent dashboard that displays your child’s activities, contacts, and controls
Provide education to the child about new control features
Blocking a user allows the user to remain in the contact list, but the child will not be able to have individual conversations with that user
The child can use photo filters to send images to their contacts and to video chat
There are several “missions” the child can complete
Grow a pet
Play a drawing game
Learn 4 things about your information
Add a friend
Take a funny photo
Create a group
The Parent Dashboard
Because Facebook gets feedback from kids, parents, and child development experts, Messenger Kids is always changing for the better. For example, the updated parent dashboard is where you can see all of your child’s latest activities, contacts, and controls at a glance in one place. It also shows you
who and what content your child has reported or blocked and why,
a list of recent chats and calls (including how frequently your child is chatting/calling and with whom),
an image gallery of all the images and videos exchanged by your child and their contacts (including whether exchanged in a group).
User Education for Kids
Facebook has also thought through Kids’ digital literacy and privacy needs by notifying child users of the new parental control features in a Data Transparency Flow. Kids are prompted to go through this education with a push notification. It’s also available in the “mission” section of the app for kids. New users engage with this education during the registration process. They’ll get important basic information about how their personal data is used and shared when they use Messenger Kids – a great first step to cyber awareness and privacy issues in general.
Because child friendships need a healthy pause here and there, Facebook has also made blocking easier to use and less permanent. Before, if a child blocked someone, they were automatically removed as a contact. Now when a kid blocks someone, they won’t be able to communicate in a 1:1 chat, but they’ll remain contacts and still be able to be in group chats together. This allows kids to leave or stop individual interactions they no longer want while not having to leave group environments they may share with that contact. The child is always warned when they return to or start a group chat that contains a blocked contact that they have the option to continue to the chat, leave the group, or cancel joining the chat.
What are the privacy and safety options?
There is no minimum age of use outlined in the apps privacy policy. Facebook has a detailed list of what features they collect while using the app on their privacy policy. Here are a few of the features collected while using the app:
Facebook has recently added more controls. In the controls tab, you can see which device your child is logged into on MK, when your child last used MK on those devices and enables you to log your child out of selected devices. Parents also have the ability to remove and report any of these images and videos from the same Dashboard (doing so will remove that content from the child’s thread and notify them that you removed it).
As long as parents stay on top of who’s being friended and the information that is being exchanged, there are few risks associated with using Messenger Kids. The parent has the ability to control what the child can and cannot do as well as who they contact. Parents can also see what has been shared (and deleted).
However, any messaging app has its risks, especially when kids are involved. Here are a few we at GKIS thought you may want to consider
Your child and their friends may post inappropriately or impulsively
Cyberbullying between known contacts, like exclusion.
Too much access to friends and screens (of course, parents can schedule the use and use the sleep feature).
Your child is exposed to the Facebook brand, just as they are other popular American brands like Coca-Cola, Harley Davidson, and Budweiser.
Because parents have so much management opportunity and kids love the socializing, GetKidsInternetSafe rates Messenger Kids as a green-light app. We also love that Messenger Kids offers educational information that helps kids make better decisions with friends onscreen.
Thank you to CSUCI intern Makenzie Stancliff for co-authoring this article. For more information on keeping your child safe on social media, check out the Get Kids Internet Safe Screen Safety Toolkit. Be sure to add Messenger Kids on to the free GKIS Connected Family Agreement as “appropriate.”
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
[i] Introducing Messenger Kids, a New App For Families to Connect. (2019, November 7). Retrieved from https://about.fb.com/news/2017/12/introducing-messenger-kids-a-new-app-for-families-to-connect/
[ii] (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/legal/messengerkids/privacypolicy?version=2020
“First impressions are everything.” This once referred to tone, dress, and personality. Now, it also refers to your social media page. Teens rack up an average of 6 hours per day of social mediag.[1] They not only browse endlessly, but many also post impulsively. With immature prefrontal brain development, kids and teens are unable to anticipate consequences. Plus, the internet culture is vulgar, shocking, and celebrates pushing moral limits. Using profanity, sub-tweeting and cyberbullying are common. Using principles from Dr. Bennett’s book, Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe, this article covers how to best guide your teen through the social media dilemmas of cyberspace.
Social media is the perfect place to “out” your enemies.
My friend “Catherine” used to expose her ex-boyfriends on Facebook. Once she posted, “He says he’s over me, but he just came to my house and cried.” Often, she’d think twice and delete her post. Other times, her ex-boyfriends posted angry responses outing her bad behavior back.
My friend “Robert” also shared a personal story. This is one about Myspace going wrong. When he was in the eighth grade, his high school sophomore girlfriend sent him sexy selfies. Robert showed his friends the photos. Although he refused to text them directly, a friend hacked his phone and sent himself the photos. Within a few days, the girl’s family and the police were at Robert’s door. Her photos had been posted on Myspace. Although Robert did not directly post her photos, he was held responsible because they were initially on his phone.
Online Behavior Matters
We love our podcasts at GKIS. In one of our favorites called Hidden Brain. The “You Can’t Hit Unsend” episode tells the story of William, whose social media posts destroyed a golden opportunity with Harvard.[2]
William was a brilliant high school senior from Pennsylvania. He was a great student who played competitive golf and performed for the local symphony. Although he didn’t believe he was “Harvard material,” he applied anyway. He was accepted through the early admission process and was overcome with joy. In the excitement of his acceptance, Will quickly joined an online group chat to meet other incoming freshmen.
One chatroom that focused on sharing memes was particularly funny. As the chatroom friends grew closer, they exchanged increasingly “edgier” memes, riding the fence between funny and offensive. To be added to the subgroup chat, at least one edgy meme had to be shared in the main group chat. As time passed, the memes increased in explicitness, oftentimes referring to outrageous, violent, and sexual topics. Will states that members of the chat knew that their meme was good based on how many likes and fire emojis members commented afterward.
The admissions department at Harvard University learned of the private chatroom and investigated. Harvard withdrew admission offers from ten prospective students because of their participation.
Will shared that he will always remember the last sentence of the email, “Harvard can withdraw admission under various conditions, including if you engage or have engaged in behavior that brings into question your honesty, maturity, or moral character.” Now he recognizes how adults would be offended and regrets his posts. He apologized, “It is far too easy to act out of character behind a screen in a fast-paced setting and to say things I would never say or even think of in my everyday life.”
The Harvard student newspaper later published the story. Soon after, the story was everywhere, including CNN and Fox News. Will and his family were devastated.
He waited a year and applied to other schools, only to be rejected by all ivy league universities. Will’s voice broke with emotion as he spoke of the experience. Fortunately, his emotional honesty appealed to a physics department chair at a school he was waitlisted at, and he was ultimately granted admission.
College Recruiters and Managers Search Applicants Online
Social media posts can make or break a teen’s future. The relationship between your digital footprint and personality is about as constant as the relationship between personality and behavior, also known as “the personality coefficient.“[3] That means that your behavior on your social media profile is a reliable source of information about your personality.[4]
Many college admission officers and employers use online data to investigate prospective students or employees. While the internet is fun and creates a space for creativity and connection, adolescents can make dire mistakes online just as they do offline. Instead of those mistakes happening in front of a few close friends and family, they can be blasted out to millions. Social media profiles produce large amounts of user-generated data that may be used and sold in ways we cannot anticipate.[5]
As social media evolves, parenting tactics must evolve as well. That means educating yourself about the risks of posting and challenging your kids to explore online risk with ongoing empowering dialogue.
Here are a few ways you can prep them today:
Use our free GKIS Connected Family Screen Agreement to set parameters and create a screen-friendly, cooperative dialogue.
Engage in fun co-viewing, both with passive screen use (TV) and interactive screen use (browsing the internet). Fun projects may include researching a particular topic using various learning formats (articles, videos, images).
Find food recipes and cook a meal together.
Co-create a movie – complete with music, still-image slides, videos, and graphics.[6]
Work together to purposely stylize your family’s cyber footprint. Ensure that that footprint will work for you rather than against you.
Act as a role model on social media and encourage responsible posting.
Internet sites can collect and analyze large quantities of data from everyday devices.[7] This information provides more opportunities to use data in deceitful ways. With helpful GKIS tools, you can best prepare yourself and your teens.
Thanks to Isabel Campos for her research and help with writing this article. Interested in learning more about current cyberspace news? Signup for weekly GKIS articles by entering your name and email address at GetKidsInternetSafe.com!
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
I taught my kids all about online safety, and now they use it against me. I’m a screen safety expert and a psychologist, and I admit I’ve had a screwed up relationship with Facebook. It started out that it was such a new and cool forum to check out the lives of people you like and had genuinely lost touch with. It was so fun to see that college roommate who actually became a journalist…or that high school boyfriend who kicked his weed habit and seems to have a great marriage with happy, healthy kids. And how exciting to show everyone how great your kitchen remodel turned out and how your kids were rockin’ those new backpacks the first day of school. Early on, Facebook was a beautiful landscape of fresh faces and fun stories…kind of like the first 30 minutes of your ten-year high school reunion. But then, just like that high school reunion, people started revealing the other annoying sides of themselves.
You know what I mean by that. Your cousin who constantly brags about her relationship when you know she kicks her husband out every other month. Or that friend who sensationalizes other people’s tragedies by pretending she is totally distraught and constantly praying – and you know she’s only talked to them three times. Your bigoted Uncle Bob spews racist rhetoric, and you get drawn into ugly political debates and later have to delete your overzealous comments after the bloodshed. At some point in accumulated online trauma, Facebook wasn’t as fun anymore.
Our kids witnessed it. They posed for us and encouraged us to share at first. But after a while, they caught on that some of the humor parents shared about the challenges of parenting weren’t very nice. They realized that their beaming grin with braces and green, shiny pool hair after their fourth-grade summer wasn’t very flattering. They started to fear that their parents were using them to promote the family’s community image…and it felt kind of fake. They were feeling used to prop up a virtual ego that was kind of pathetic.
Besides, kids love to kill their parent’s joy. I’m the mother of three, ages 25, 17, and 15 years old. Nobody calls me out more brutally than my teenagers. They don’t even try to be nice about it. They started to tell me, in no uncertain terms, that I wasn’t to post photos of them anymore without their permission. And me begging them to post was humiliating, so I quit doing it.
Look, I’m not ashamed of being a crazy mom. I love my kids. I want to show others how awesome I think they are. I also know I’m not alone. I hear about these issues every day in my clinical office. Some parents do it anyway…but it damages the trust in the family. Others, like me, post about our adult lives outside of our kids. We know that our Facebook friends are a different tribe than our nonvirtual one. There’s overlap, sure, but we only have the opportunity to interact with some of them on Facebook, and we don’t want to give those relationships up.
Go ahead and troll me and tell me what a loser I am that I still post. But let’s be honest here. Most of us still use Facebook to at least check in with others. Some have gone Facebook free, and, like recovered smokers, they love to tell us how it’s made their lives more precious. It probably has, but for now, I’m still posting about travels and puppies and the occasional funny meme. I’ve hidden the Uncle Bobs and fake prayers while celebrating those I’m truly fond of and rooting for.
And as for the kids who are revolting due to sharenting…have at it you guys! Yes, many of you are hypocritical as you constantly post on Snapchat. You may even assert yourselves more to boss your parents around than because you have an actual concern. But the fact that you have a passionate opinion and the assertiveness to state it is the kind of resilience I believe in as a parenting expert. You are the best advocates for GetKidsInternetSafe. Because typically, the kids who speak up to their parents are not blindly obedient pleasers. They have informed opinions and well-honed voices of confident digital natives. That practiced voice of calm and intelligence may save them from a bad actor they run across online or in their three-dimensional lives. I think that, even though we want to share the parenting part of our lives with our friends, posting should require shared consent. Kids do have rights.
As for our family, with the exception of a few side profiles here and there, I have opted not to put my kids’ faces on my promotional materials for GetKidsInternetSafe. I also don’t share them on my Facebook profile or cover photos, because they are public and not private.
Occasionally, my kids throw me a bone and allow me to post pics of them here and there. But once they’re up for a bit, I typically delete them – kind of like a manually-disappearing-profile ala Snapchat for old people. The truth is, it creeps me out to have a running photo commentary of my life that weird acquaintances could excavate if they were lurking.
For parents of young kids, get ready. One day you’ll hear a protest about it. If you listen and respect their great reasons for not consenting, it’ll be a learning opportunity that will build up your relationship. If you blow them off and play the authority card, you’ll be squelching their voices. Either way, it’s annoying to be told what to do by a tween or teen. But honestly, I’d much rather watch my kid be an outspoken advocate for themselves than a compliant pleaser. Wouldn’t you?
Thanks to Thriveglobal.com for publishing this article.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Instagram reports 1 billion monthly active users and more than 500 million daily users.[1] Most teens use social media for more than 6 hours per day.[2] Many social media users have shifted in intention, placing the highest importance on becoming insta-famous rather than sharing information with close friends. Insta-famousrefers to a person who is well-known on Instagram, reflected by thousands of followers and likes. Teens can become consumed in this virtual competition for internet popularity, sometimes leading to a destructive pattern described in my book, Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe, as compare and despair.
Insta-worthy? Self-Presentation Theory and Impression Management
Many Instagram users lurk profiles, consumed by other people’s lives and perfecting their virtual selves. According toself-presentation theory, people are motivated to present themselves to show off an ideal self and please their audience.[3]
Our frontis our best-stylized image. Our backstage is our true selves. Maintaining too many fronts can be overwhelming. Being great at impression management can be the difference between social media success or failure.
Shout Out for Shout Out
A SFS (Shout out For Shout out) is a branding strategy for optimal self-presentation on Instagram. It refers to teens posting someone else’s account to theirs and vice versa. The goal is to cooperatively promote their pages so both people gain more followers.
As self-presentation trends change in pop culture, so do trends online. In 2008, graphic t-shirts were the cool thing to wear to school. In 2015, hipsters ruled the school. And in 2019, the VSCO look was in. VSCOis the name of the popular app used to create fun colorful edits.
A “VSCO girl” has beach-wavy hair, carries around a hydro flask, has a scrunchie around their wrist, and shops at thrift stores and Urban Outfitters. My 13-year-old cousin shares, “Everyone wears skirts, Doc Martens, and scrunchies now. It’s so VSCO.”
Evolution and Optimal Distinctiveness
With popular editing apps such as VSCO or FaceTune, many social media users have unrealistic expectations for how attractive they should look in posts. Humans are social beings. We work best collaboratively. Social rewards like compliments, words of appreciation, affection, or being with a friend, are major behavioral motivators for young people.[3]
Seeking social reward and trying to achieve optimal distinctiveness (being unique but still super stylish) can be traced back to our ancestors. Belonging to a community meant being socially accepted and supported by a group of others. Many times, this meant life or death.
For teens today, that means walking a razor’s edge trying to look unique while still fitting in with peers. In this impossible quest, teens may be juggling several virtual and nonvirtual selves. Being too unique or too the same invites criticism and cyberbullying.
Getting social media likes rewards the brain with dopamine, the neurotransmitter released in the pleasure center.[2] Instagram programmers know it and bake it in so they can make more money.
Social media influencers are experts at achieving optimal distinctiveness. Viewers spend a lot of time and money trying to do the same. Views and likes result in millions of dollars in profit. This biological hack of social acceptance and connection makes the brand more profitable.
Risks of Social Media
Insta-Anxiety
The constant pressure to stay up to date with trends can cause compulsive online browsing and anxiety. Most teenagers do not have jobs to maintain the lifestyle that many YouTubers do. Social anxiety and the fear of being judged by peers can be overwhelming alongside daily social obstacles that teens face like bullying, hormonal changes, and self-judgment. Instead of fun, spontaneous sharing, teens can get caught up in compulsively second-guessing their posts or avoid sharing altogether.
According to recent studies, social media use has contributed to an increasing number of cases of social anxiety disorders in adolescents.[2] Untreated, anxiety can contribute to other mental health issues including depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, and even thoughts of suicide.
Social Anxiety Disorder Symptoms include:
Lack of desire to socialize
Being withdrawn
Feeling embarrassed or a deep fear of being judged by others
Low Self-Esteem
Forty-six percent of teen girls admit that social media makes them feel bad about themselves due to unrealistic standards.[2] Self-esteem is elevated when individuals are deemed popular by others. For example, having Facebook friends who are more responsive can satisfy psychological needs above and beyond the number of Facebook friends one has.[4]
Seeking Positive Feedback
We all like to know that people find us attractive. Social media, however, can impact us in ways we aren’t even aware of. For example, a 2018 study found that when young women received likes for sexy selfies, they were more likely to post similar photos again.[3]
Lack of Privacy
Teens don’t have the prefrontal brain development to anticipate consequences and engage in high order thinking. Subsequently, teens may not think ahead, instead focusing on the instant gratification of someone liking or commenting on their post. This can cause a habit of oversharing online. Eighty percent of people who commit crimes have taken information from social media sites.[5]
Ways to Improve Your Teen’s Emotional Reliance & Achieve Better Online Safety
To avoid triggering insta-anxiety, make sure your kids are neurologically, socially, and emotionally mature enough to manage risk. Although she says it depends on the child, Dr. Bennett recommends avoiding social media until the second semester of middle school.
Experts agree that Social Media Readiness Training is critical to help kids recognize risk, know how to ask for help, and self-manage use.
Use our free Connected Family Screen Agreement to set parameters and create a screen-friendly, cooperative dialogue. Just enter your email and name on our website, and it will be delivered directly to your email.
Create a customized filtering, tracking, and monitoring toolkit with the GKIS Screen Safety Toolkit. This course also offers smart parenting strategies, like making sure you have social media login information for back-end access.
Thank you to GKIS intern, Isabel Campos for alerting us about the risks of insta-anxiety. If you learned something, please share GKIS articles and tools with friends and family!
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
[1] “Our Story.” Instagram, 26 Mar. 2019, instagram-press.com/our-story/.
[2] Granet, R. (2016, September 19). Living In Live Time: Social Media’s Impact On Girls. Retrieved from https://newyork.cbslocal.com/2016/09/19/social-media-use-teens/
[3] Bell, Beth T., Cassarly, Jennifer A., & Dunbar, Lucy. “Selfie-objectification: Self objectification and positive feedback (‘likes’) are associated with frequency of posting sexually objectifying self-images on social media.” Body Image, 26, 83–89. September 2018. https://doiorg.summit.csuci.edu/10.1016/j.bodyim.2018.06.005
[4] Burrow, A. L., & Rainone, N. (2016). How many likes did I get?: Purpose moderates links between positive social media feedback and self-esteem Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 69, 232-236 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2016.09.005
[5] Law Enforcement, Social Media and Your Privacy: How Your Data is Used to Solve Crimes. (2018, May 16). Retrieved from https://www.nextadvisor.com/law-enforcement-social-media-and-your- privacy-how-your-data-is-used-to-solve-crimes/
Now that I’m an “older” working mom, I love to share offline and online organization hacks and efficiency grabs that have saved me through the years. These organizational techniques were the difference between frazzled and peaceful at our house. With the overtasked lives we lead, most of us are guilty of brain fades and frantic searches while yelling and scolding overwhelmed kids. Even if you set up only one or two of these ideas, it may be the difference between fun family mornings versus a school day launched with tears and resentment.
Unclutter study spaces by setting up customized, distraction-free workspaces in niches and corners for each kid.
Kids in my practice often complain that the kitchen table is too distracting to get homework done quickly and neatly. The psychological research agrees. Studies reveal that fractured attention leads to irritability, wasted time, and poor grades. To optimize learning, set up a quiet corner office for each child. All it takes is a willingness and clever organization ideas and fresh accessories. Check out my GKIS Connected Family Online Course for a detailed blueprint for creating award-winning maker spaces with awesome Pinterest DIY ideas. A customized works station is a compelling magnet to get your kids creating in 3-dimensional space as a complement to screen learning. Ergonomic, body-healthy setups in the place of slouching on beds and couches avoid repetitive stress injuries to the neck, back, wrists, and hands.
Avoid missed soccer practices and study deadlines by setting up a digital family calendar.
Family schedules are chaos! Streamline communication and scheduling by color-coding child activities and setting up Family Share on Apple’s Family Calendar, Google’s Calendar, or Microsoft’s Outlook. Each member can share calendared activities and set up automatic reminders. Shared organization at a glance!
Just as you throw out old clothes your kids have grown out of, it’s also important to declutter digital spaces.
Schedule a fresh-start fall family meeting where everybody gathers with their mobile screen devices to trash apps and games they have grown out of.
Revisit (or grab) your free GKIS Connected Family Screen Agreement at GetKidsInternetSafe.com. This will help you set sensible rules like a digital curfew and create screen-free zones – including bedrooms and bathrooms.
Finally, teach cybersecurity measures from my Cybersecurity Red Flags Supplement. New this fall, you and your family members can tweak bad habits so don’t fall victim to bad actors online.
Cleanse social media profiles with an eye toward future reputation.
If your tween or teen is on social media already, you know the time-suck risks during school time. Help them sort out the necessary from the unnecessary by helping them avoid the bio-hack elements designed to capture their attention.
Consider limiting teens to only one or two social media apps to decrease wasted time due to mindless browsing and compulsive checking.
Insist that apps with visual notifications be on the second swipe screen on smartphones. That way they won’t get distracted by little red notifications and, instead, can batch their check-in times as research suggests is best.
And finally, delete old posted photos and unnecessary personal information from social media history. Sharing real-time with friends on a private profile is fun, but do you really want somebody lurking through your past photo-by-photo? Point out that other parents, relatives, teachers, coaches, future employers, and even college app administrators may be forming impressions based on your digital footprint. So instead of having an online resume populated by off-color jokes and sexualized photos, create a flattering stream of artistic works, philanthropic activities, sports activities, and fun friend and family time. A progressive, balanced, healthy life looks beautiful online – and may help you get a college placement or dream job instead of hinder it!
Reboot your Screen Safety Toolkit.
Each developmental stage offers unique online safety challenges. For example, little kids are best accommodated in a walled digital garden like YouTube Kids, and older kids need a little more digital space to explore and create. To parent well in the digital age, you need specially-selected free and third-party software tools to help you filter and block inappropriate content, set time-limits, monitor online activity use, remotely pause or offer rewards, and even locate and track the driving activities of your teen. If you get overwhelmed or need help figuring it all out, check out my GKIS Screen Safety Toolkit for tips, product recommendations, links to ISP and social media app safety guides, and free digital learning tools for best academic performance.
There you have it! Five quick and easy parenting hacks that will launch the school year with fun and success. Just as I recommend shoes live by the front door so you are not always searching, digital folders and organization tools will keep you dialed-in in your virtual life. Most importantly, set a peaceful intention with a six-second exhale for positivity and fun each morning before you enter the family’s living space. Parents must actively define the heart of the home. If we start the morning with a smile and warmth, our kids emotionally synch and return the joy. Soak in every chaotic and blissful moment!
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Also, if you are a local Southern Californian and need a little TLC to get started on your screen safety/fun parenting plan, join me for a morning of pampering and friendship.
It’s universally understood that losing a loved one is difficult. Navigating the grieving and mourning process is different for everyone and can sometimes be extremely damaging to families. But, what about social media’s influence over the grieving process?
According to Kübler-Ross model, there are five steps to grief:
Denial and separation,
Anger,
Bargaining,
Depression, and
Acceptance.
I’ve found that although categorizing what I was experiencing made it easier to express to individuals who were not mourning, it made it harder for me to overcome my grief especially with how connected I am to social media. This is my story on how I navigated the grieving process in today’s online era.
My father had been sick for a while. He had a variety of illnesses, but ultimately it was chronic obstructive pulmonary disease that killed him. He was a lifelong cigarette smoker, and even when he was first put onto oxygen, it was hard for him to quit.
I knew this day was coming, and that inevitably I would receive that heartbreaking phone call from my mother that changed everything for me.
He passed away early in the morning on June 9, 2019, just six days away from one social media’s popular posting day… Father’s Day.
My grieving process was like anyone else’s who loses a parent. I was heartbroken, regretful, and nothing I felt… seemed like enough. A wave of, “I’m sorry for your loss” and “My thoughts are with your family” flooded my social media accounts and text messages. I couldn’t bare to respond. It made his passing all the more real, and talking about it to acquaintances who weren’t there for the devastating end of his life couldn’t even imagine the pain I was in. I felt alone, and social media made me feel even more alone.
How Social Media Affected My Grieving Process
Father’s Day rolled around and almost every person I followed posted a picture along with a loving caption about their dad. It was like a slap in the face from the universe, mocking my pain. I also couldn’t understand why the entire world seemed to move forward. I’d go on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook just to see how happy everyone was and how their world hadn’t crumbled into pieces as mine had. I was surprisingly bitter and angry. I snapped at friends who would complain about mundane things. I couldn’t leave the house, because everywhere around me people were celebrating summertime. It wasn’t until my birthday (June 27) that I finally overcame the weight of my loss. I spent the entire day drinking, laughing, and soaking up the sun with my mom at a spa. I was finally able to post something on Instagram, and, instead of faking it, I discussed my depression, my withdrawal, and how slowly I stepped out of both.
The overwhelming love and support I received from even strangers that follow me filled my heart with joy and warmth. I finally felt like I could breathe again and that life wasn’t so heavy. Sharing my grief with my followers and hearing their stories about their grieving process made me feel less guilty about my isolation and anger.
You are not alone.
The hardest part was leaving my house and doing everyday mundane things. But when I opened up on Instagram, I found comfort from my online friendships. People would comment, message me, and check-in with me after they knew what I was going through.
Social media made it easier for me to express myself without actually having to put myself out into the world again. Friends and family members sent me memes and silly cat videos to keep me laughing. Some friends even Venmoed me money so I could order food to my door rather than having to go to the grocery store.
If you or a loved one has lost someone, perhaps you would find comfort from social media sharing and connection. There are people that want to help and listen to you.
Here are some things that I did that were helpful:
