Americans LOVE online browsing. YouTube is the second largest search engine, with 1.9 billion registered users watching 5 billion videos daily![1] As online discovery grows, so does child disconnection from real life. Sometimes, just watching a task get accomplished on video feels as good, if not better than doing the task itself. Numbing out online allows us to escape the hard work of trying and failing. It also replaces the opportunity for learning to cope with boredom. Online, one can escape the first twinge of anxiety with a click of the mouse. In real life, you must endure the moment and work it through. It’s no wonder so many of us choose the less threatening online version of reality over offline experiences.
Ways We Live Vicariously Online:
In Dr. Bennett’s book, Screen Time in the Mean Time, she agrees that discovery online and learning from how-to videos is a great benefit of technology. But she also believes that kids need “buckets of face-to-face interaction and three-dimensional play experiences to grow the neurological wiring necessary for skill mastery. Too much screen time takes the place of critical learning experiences.” Although watching a how-to video may spark curiosity and experimentation, it can also offer satisfaction without really working for it.[2]
Social Media & JOMO
Social media is one way people live vicariously online (in their imagination while watching others).[3] Each post is carefully staged. We pause the live moment until we get just the right shot. No messy reveals of the moment before when you were sweating to climb the cliff overlooking the sunset or annoyed with your companion for talking too much about politics. Only our best accomplishments are highlighted.
Even better, look at Tiffany with her handsome new boyfriend on the sailboat. We no longer have to worry about how she’s handling her eating disorder or that the trip maxed out her credit card. She’s happy! End of story. Honest real life is messy…and stressful. Who wants to deal with that?
Our brains can keep track of, at most, 150 friendships while maintaining a sense of a meaningful connection. This is called Dunbar’s number. A maximum number of meaningful connections is true for our offline as well as our online lives. Yes, we are acquainted with our 1,247 Instagram “friends.” But are we truly connected?
A recent GKIS article, The FOMO EFFECT: How Fun Friend Posts Can Lead to Clinical Anxiety, described how social media sparks fears of missing out (FOMO). However, Jason Fried, co-founder and president of 37signals, has coined the phrase joy of missing out (JOMO). JOMO is a trend in response to FOMO.[3] Challenging your kids to exercise JOMO may help them avoid the lure of too much vicarious living on social media platforms.
Television & Movies
We also use TV and movies to allow us to live vicariously through the characters on screen. Viewers can get so consumed that they associate the character’s achievements and growth with their own. With on-demand content, we can binge-watch a series, immersing ourselves in ways that can feel profound. It’s as if we are personally experiencing the characters, settings, and plots.
Studies have found that:
79% of viewers reported enjoying television more when they watched multiple episodes at a time.
Approximately 61% of Netflix users watch from 2-6 episodes in one sitting.
56% of binge-watchers prefer to binge alone.
On average, people watch at least 7 hours of television daily. That’s one hour short of a full-time day at work![4]
Negative Effects of Binge-Watching
You are 23% more likely to become obese and 14% more likely to develop diabetes from watching only 2 hours of TV every day.
Those who watch more TV are more likely to experience anxiety or depression.[4]
After the age of 25, you lose 22 minutes of life for every hour of television watched.[5]
Like a television-video game hybrid, programmers have picked up on these immersive phenomena, creating tv and movie series where you can impact the direction of the plot by choosing the decision you want the character to make next. This is called interactive TV.
Netflix recently experimented with it by allowing users to vote for one of five pre-recorded endings. Big tech and entertainment are betting that this will be the next mass medium with huge appeal.[6]
Gaming
Everyone knows someone who stays up all night gaming instead of getting the sleep their body desperately craves. In her book, Dr. Bennett cites peer-reviewed studies that demonstrate how immersive gaming floods dopamine into the pleasure center of the brain.
One doesn’t have to risk peril in real life; just strap on your weapons and save the world with your virtual character. Complete with novel landscapes, skilled partners, and novel rewards, the gaming life provides mastery and socialization that is almost effortless to achieve. Again, real-life struggles are so much more work. Gaming is so compelling, it leads to clinical addiction among some players, requiring professional detox and rehabilitation in inpatient hospitals.
YouTube
YouTube is the most popular social media platform used today. We have access to experts on everything … and nothing. By watching endless streams of videos, we can live vicariously through different genders, ages, and ethnicities.[7] Replacing real-life mastery of tasks, we watch the edited version that leaves out the messy failures endured before the perfection is captured and downloaded for our consumption.
It has been suggested that many people who view how-to videos gain such satisfaction, they choose not to attempt it in real life after all. That means that watching a how-to video squelches real-life practice of the skill. Rather than aiding you to complete the project, it replaces your desire to start.
Celebrity Worship Syndrome
Celebrities have managed to become the idols of many little girls and boys around the world. With society watching and reporting their every move our children come to believe this extravagant behavior is normal. In this way, we are raising a generation of vicarious livers. Children that would prefer to be cast for a reality television show than grow up to be the president.[8] Celebrity Worship Syndromeis when the individual becomes obsessed with the life of a celebrity.[9]
Travel
Why spend the money and endure the stress when you can enjoy the experience of traveling all over the world on Snapchat? WeTravel, a company that allows users to travel the world virtually, claims that it will temporarily satisfy your craving to travel by showcasing people’s travels around the world.[10]
Pornography
Watching online pornography can be a cheap replacement for intimacy acquired through romantic human relations. Too much use can decrease dating confidence.[11] Porn is a source of pleasure that will not turn them down, break their heart, make them feel incompetent, or worse, embarrassed.
From Competition to Inspiration
Mastery can only be achieved through anxious anticipation, mustering the courage to try, and multiple failures along the way. Each step in the journey strengthens emotional resilience, character, confidence, and competence. Missing out on real-life learning opportunities can lead to real emotional impairment. None of us want that for ourselves or for those we love.
One technique for altering one’s mindset when viewing photos of others’ accomplishments is replacing the competitive lens with one of inspiration.[12] Teaching your children to be inspired by others’ successes will help them steer clear of vicarious living. Ultimately, engaging and successfully mastering a skill provides you with much more satisfaction and self-efficacy than observing the successes of others.
How to Encourage Real-Life Mastery
Decide if what you wish you could do, is something you can do. By encouraging your child to dream with enthusiasm and encouragement, they’ll build the scaffolding of confidence that will lead to real effort.[13]
Commit to a specific end goal. Help your kids bridge the gap between dreaming and reality by encouraging them to identify a goal and start to research it!
Tackle it. By reminding your child that failure and poor results along the way are part of the learning, they can start to chunk the task into several benchmark goals. Remind them that mastery is only meaningful if you overcame the struggle to get there.
Encourage them to recognize their worth and importance. Ensuring your child that they don’t have to earn their worth is an important part of helping them build a healthy sense of self.[14]
Remind them to celebrate their achievements (and those of others) along the way. Celebrating benchmark goals will give them the joy of learning that drives follow-thru. Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to spark celebration.
Demand an occasional disconnect. By following the guidelines and suggestions from our GKIS courses, you can create a lifestyle that carves creative space and time for real-life experiences. Dr. B’s weekly parenting and family coaching are quick lessons on how to tweak family living to increase screen safety and closer family relationships.
JOMO. Most important of all, teach your kids the many joys of missing out! Show them how to break free of the activities that social media says they should do. Instead, spend time doing truly satisfying tasks in real-time, in the real world.
Thank you to Sara Doyle, GKIS intern, for researching and writing this article. In the end, those who never give up on their goals will succeed as much as the talented.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
[1] http://www.businessofapps.com/data/youtube-statistics/
[2] NPR. “Hidden Brain. Close Enough: The Lure Of Living Through Others.” Shankar Vedantam, Laura Kwerel, Tara Boyle, and Jennifer Schmidt, 2019.
[3] SoundCloud. “Living Vicariously Through Social Media…” Phil Svitek.
[4] CogniFit. “Binge watching: Complete guide to its effects on the brain and body.” Anna Bohren, 2018.
[5] Personal Excellence. “Are You Living Vicariously Through Movie, Drama, or Game Characters?” Celestine Chua.
[6] https://www.latimes.com/business/hollywood/la-fi-ct-netflix-black-mirror-20181228-story.html
[7] “I’m Living Vicariously Through YouTubers” Lily Brundin, 2016.
[8] HuffPost. “Americans Have An Unhealthy Obsession With Celebrities.” Jo Plazza, 2012.
[9] Psychology Today. “Celebrity Worship Syndrome.” Mark D. Griffiths Ph.D., 2013.
[10] “Traveling Vicariously Through Snapchat.” Azzura Ricci.
[11] “Is Living Vicariously Through Others Dangerous?” Nicola Kirkpatrick, 2018.
[12] Riskology. “Are You Living, or Living Vicariously?” Tyler Tervooren, 2019.
[13] Nerd Fitness. “How to Live Vicariously Through Yourself.” n.
[14] Lifehack. “3 Ways to Stop Living Vicariously Through Technology.” Derek Ralsto
It’s hard to ignore the huge influence social media has on our society. There’s reasonable concern with how much our kids are engaged on their screens, that use of social media is ego-inflating and of little value. But this concern may be overgeneralizing. Younger generations have found ways to use social media for good, some gathering followers by the thousands. One of these beneficial ways is gathering support for social change.
Twitter is shaping up to be a platform worth something beyond memes and humorous one-liners. It’s proving capable of being a reliable source that many young people look to for news about current events. “74% of Twitter users say they use the network to get their news.”[1] Twitter offers the unique ability for protestors to organize together with a speed, efficiency, and reach that has previously been unheard of. Localized protest becomes national overnight; global protest is accessible to all.
Parkland Florida Students Viralize Their Cause
The students who survived the Parkland, Florida school shooting were left grieving, confused, and angry. Their hearts were broken, wanting justice for their friends and other kids like them. As a result, they organized the “March for our Lives” protest in Washington that attracted 108,000 protesters to their cause.[2] Not only did a genius use of social media attract live protestors, but by March 2018, two of the Parkland survivors had a total of over 1.5 million social media followers.[3]
They made their opinions known to a vast like-minded audience who wanted to see gun laws reformed. Not only did they draw thousands to their cause, they also had impact on legislation. A bill was passed in Florida which limits the sale or ownership of guns for a year to anyone determined to be a threat.[4]
Twitter Becomes a Platform for Social Movements
Traditionally, people have assumed that social media platforms like Twitter only talk of trivial topics. Current and critical social issues are taking form, turning Twitter into a powerful platform for social justice. And it’s not a mistake that this is happening. A 2015 study published in the InternationalJournal of Consumer Studies looked at the link between social media and its ability to make people feel connected. This study compared desire to be involved in a particular social movement formed through social media with how often the desire resulted in social movement participation. They concluded that social media users are more inclined to follow through with social movement aspirations if they are both avid users and feel socially involved within a group.[5]
Climate as the Next Frontier
An annual survey by the World Economic Forum shows millennials ranked climate change as the number one world issue for the third year in a row.[6] Gen Z kids are equally as likely to see climate change as the most pressing global issue currently.[7] Like the gun reform protests of this last year, students are again staging mass protests to fight against leaders of government –this time on a global scale. For instance, the rapidly-building March 15 2019 “School Strike 4 Climate” movement resulted in a massive protest, with 1.4 million young young people from twelve countries banding together to skip school.[8] These kids were seeking global government attention to reduce carbon emissions.
There is an urgency to climate change protests inspiring kids all over the world to act. Hitting headlines globally is a young girl from Sweden, Greta Thunberg. She has a Twitter account with 540,600 followers, which she uses to mobilize her cause.[9] Greta reported that she became impassioned with the global threat of climate change at only 8 years old. On April 23, 2019, she spoke in front of parliament in the UK at only 16 years old.[10] Greta is the face of generation Z’s climate change protest representing an entire generation demanding change, and they’re using social media to do it.
Interested in how to get your kids mobilized to do good? Check out these organizations:
[1] https://www.omnicoreagency.com/twitter-statistics/
[2] Shear, M.D. (2018, March 24). Students lead huge rallies for gun control across the U.S. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/24/us/politics/students-lead-huge-rallies-for-gun-control-across-the-us.html?module=inline
[3] Bromwich, J.E. (2018, March 7). How the Parkland students got so good at social media. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/07/us/parkland-students-social-media.html?module=inline
[4] Kramer, M. & Harlan, J. (2019, February 13). Parkland shooting: where gun control and school safety stand today. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/13/us/parkland-shooting.html
[5] Hwang, H., & Kim, K. (2015). Social media as a tool for social movements: The effect of social media use and social capital on intention to participate in social movements. International Journal of Consumer Studies, 39(5), 478-488. doi: 10.1111/ijcs.12221
[6] Loudenback, T. & Jackson, A. (2018, February 26). The 10 most critical problems in the world, according to millennials. Business Insider. Retrieved from https://www.businessinsider.com/world-economic-forum-world-biggest-problems-concerning-millennials-2016-8
[7] Parker, K., Graf, N., & Igielnik, R. (2019, January 17). Generation Z looks a lot like millennials on key social and political issues. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2019/01/17/generation-z-looks-a-lot-like-millennials-on-key-social-and-political-issues/
[8] Kaplan, S. (2019, February 16). How a 7thgrader’s strike against climate change exploded into a movement. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/how-a-7th-graders-strike-against-climate-change-exploded-into-a-movement/2019/02/15/e20868e2-2fb4-11e9-86ab-5d02109aeb01_story.html?utm_term=.a97cad4efa4d
[9] https://mobile.twitter.com/GretaThunberg
[10] (2019, April 23). Greta Thunberg: Teen activist says UK is ‘irresponsible’ on climate. BBC News. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-48017083
Not everything you read online is real, nor is everyone you meet. You have been catfished when you meet someone online who created a fake profile to deceive you. Catfishing varies in severity, from posting younger pictures of oneself to stealing another’s identity. Most commonly experienced in dating websites or social media, catfishing provokes more skepticism and fear when it comes to meeting people online.
It started on Tinder…
Being a victim of catfishing can happen to anyone. With more teens joining social media, they are exposed to not only same-age peers but also adults with bad intentions.
For example, my friend Sam had been online dating since her sophomore year of high school. She recently met a guy on Tinder and fell head over heels for him. Soon after meeting each other online, they texted every day. At first, she suggested they FaceTime, but he always came up with some excuse to text only. Sam didn’t think much of it and continued to text with him. When she suggested they meet in person, he ghosted her and then messaged her randomly, ignoring her suggestion. She ignored the red flags.
While talking to a friend about her concerns, her friend shared that she was having a similar experience with her online boyfriend. When they compared notes and photos, they realized it was the same guy using different names and accounts. Since then, Sam has had difficulty trusting anybody online.
Adults and kids can be victims.
The popular MTV show “Catfish: The TV Show,” gives the audience a deeper look into the world of catfishing. During each episode, the host helps a victim uncover the truth behind a catfishing incident. Each episode illustrates the complex reasons people create deceptive online identities to make up for deficits in their non-virtual lives, such as:
insecurity about their looks, so they steal someone else’s identity who is better looking – like wearing a virtual mask.
pretending to be a different gender, perhaps experimenting before coming out of the closet.
cyberstalking or seeking revenge.
It’s not just adults that are deceived by catfishing. In the Lifetime TV show, “I Catfished My Kid,” parents try to teach their teens a lesson about the dangers of talking to strangers online. In the pilot, two Ventura County teens were duped by an adult producer into thinking they were interacting with a peer. When he asked each victim to meet him in the park to watch his band practice, one of the teens complied. On the show, we see her walk to the park and then be confronted by her parents and the host of the show.
Dr. Bennett received production credit on this pilot and helped with the emotional support on set. She describes feeling uncomfortable with the plot of deceiving a teen. However, to the benefit of millions of viewers, the show is an opportunity to teach kids how easy it is to be catfished.
Why do we fall for it?
Dr. Bennett believes that texting and online dating are some of the worst things to ever happen to singles. Although they offer immediate access to possible friends and dates, she says it also exposes our psychological vulnerabilities to exploitive others.
For instance, Dr. B describes a phenomenon she’s seen in practice where the screen between us and our new partner allows us to confabulate a false truth, that our new dating partner is better than they actually are. Confabulation is the act of unconsciously creating imaginary facts to fill in for a loss of memory.
In other words, with their dream dating profile in mind, online daters sometimes start by identifying a partner that loosely fits their criteria. Because they are so hopeful, they unconsciously convince themselves that their date is their dream partner. A simple “I look forward to meeting you” text becomes a sign of affection, romance, and fidelity. They create a dream person in their heads before the date has even revealed their true selves.
Dr. Bennett also believes that online dating can trigger our hunting and gathering instincts. Too often, she sees people “keep an eye out” for a better partner, even when they are committed to their current one. By always looking for the next best thing, singles sabotage the relationship they’re in. The thrill of the chase and the novelty of a new person can overshadow real partnership.
She also notes that healthy daters find partners and quickly move off dating sites, whereas predators stay. Dr. B theorizes that is the reason there are more creeps on dating sites than in the general population. Online dating can help you find love, but it can also open one up to exploitation, financial coercion, or online dating fraud. Although some dating sites verify users through other social media profiles and have safety tips, daters must beware.
If you visit websites, play video games, or are on social media, it may be helpful to you to know the red flags that. you may be being catfished.
Red flags that you are being catfished if the person:
is too good to be true
demands too much contact or acts possessive
is overly elaborative
attempts to pull you in with dramatic stories of victimhood or emotional distress
makes too many promises
is only available to talk during certain days and times
-gets too affectionate too fast
Thank you to GKIS intern, Nubia Bandek, for telling us all about catfishing. The hookup culture, which makes teens vulnerable to catfishing, is more prominent among teens than parents realize. Check out the GKIS article, Is Your Teen Hooking Up? for tips on how to have important conversations with your tweens and teens.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
[1.] Couch, D., Liamputtong, P., & Pitts, M. (2012). What are the real and perceived risks and dangers of online dating? Perspectives from online daters. Health, Risk & Society,14(7–8), 697–714.https://doi-org.summit.csuci.edu/10.1080/13698575.2012.720964
[2.] Menkin, J. A., Robles, T. F., Wiley, J. F., & Gonzaga, G. C. (2015). Online dating across the life span: Users’relationship goals. Psychology and Aging, 30(4), 987–993. https://doi-org.summit.csuci.edu/10.1037/a0039722.supp (Supplemental)
Move over debutante balls and high school dances, unboxing a brand new smartphone is the new coming-of-age ritual for today’s teens.[6] Teenagers born in 1995 and after are the first generation to live their entire adolescence with a smartphone.[5] In 2017, ten years old was the national average for receiving a smartphone.[6] This profound and sudden cultural shift has fundamentally changed childhood and parenting. Smartphones are a new-found necessity and parents are scrambling to provide one as soon as possible.
“What’s the WiFi password?”
Technology is an important part of our modern culture. In comparison to the rest of the world, the United States provides cell phones to the youngest kids.[8] Everywhere you go there’s a child or teen glued to a screen. There are babies listening to “Baby Shark” in their strollers during morning walks with mom, toddlers playing Candy Crush in their restaurant booster seats, and teenagers scrolling their Instagram feeds while blindly following their parents around Costco. It shouldn’t be surprising that adults and kids alike spend more than half of their days staring at a smartphone screen.[6]
With a smartphone in every hand, parents are peer pressured by their friends and begged by their children to provide one. Parents feel guilty for withholding one for too long because they see their children socially isolated.[11] Yet, giving a smartphone to a ten-year-old today is fundamentally different than when parents gave sixteen-year-olds flip phones in the 90s.[4]
Nokia Flip Phone vs. iPhone
Down to the basics, the main function of a cell phone is to call and send text messages wirelessly with no data. Smartphones such as iPhones, Androids, Google Pixels, and so forth have transformed those basic necessities.[7] They need data and WiFi to power infinite applications and endless Internet access. Basically, it’s a mini-computer that is more powerful than all of NASA’s computing power in 1969…in the palm of your hand!
Innovative or Addictive?
Unlike phones in the 70s, there are thousands of engineers and tech designers updating smartphones every day.[5] Their job is to make sure that smartphones and applications consume all our attention. They dazzle us with colorful visuals, sound effects, and seamless switching between applications. Studies have shown that children exposed at a young age to these stimulating effects become wired to crave easy dopamine release.[12] Instead of going outside and playing with their friends, they turn to their screens for pleasure
Sean Parker confessed to taking advantage of the human psyche when developing Facebook.[1] The former president of Facebook explained their objectives were, “How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?”[1] He and Mark Zuckerberg knew that small hits of dopamine from notifications would hook everyone.[1] Parker reflects, “I don’t know if I really understood the consequences…God only knows what it’s doing to our children’s brains.”[1]
It’s true. Silicon Valley’s tech executives have become wary of their own creations. They’ve noticed the negative effects on their own children.[11] For example, Apple’s co-founder Steve Jobs limits his children’s tech time. He even kept the iPad away from them when it was first released.[10]
Smartphone Dependency
With all this power comes responsibility. Former Apple designer Tony Fadell struggles with whether his apple products have helped or hurt society.[2] In his own children he has seen smartphone dependency:
“They literally feel like you’re tearing a piece of their person away from them — They get emotional about it, very emotional…They go through withdrawal for two to three days.”[2]
Dr. Bennett details in her book, Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe, how smartphone dependency is like that of drug and alcohol addictions. Whenever teens hear a notification or see new content, dopamine is released and pleasure is felt. If too much time is spent apart, the smartphone-dependent gets agitated. There’s even evidence that we get distracted just by having a smartphone near us, even if it’s turned off as if we are in a state of chronic hypervigilance for notification. She chooses to have a screen-free classroom, stating that the research demonstrates that, not only is the screen users distracted from the lecture, but so are those around them.
Notifications on smartphones can be so addicting they cause phantom buzzing or ringxiety. Daniel Kruger researched cell phone dependency at the University of Michigan. His study found that “if your phone is rubbing in your pocket or if you hear a similar tone, you might experience it as your phone vibrating or ringing, especially if your phone messages are highly rewarding to you.”[3] That’s how adept our attention has become to our smartphones.
“Best” Age
Many studies have tried to determine which age would be best for a smartphone. Recently, the World Health Organization (WHO) came out with guidelines recommending no screen use for infants under one year of age and only an hour a day for kids under 5. Dr. Bennett’s GKIS guidelines, which are offered in her must-have Connected Family Online Course, are consistent with this recommendation as well. The American Academy of Pediatrics and the Canadian Pediatric Society also recommend no screen time for toddlers younger than two years old.[12]
Many parents are under the false impression that virtual reality can replace real-life lessons for toddlers. But the psychological research shows that the skills don’t transfer over. For example, toddlers who play building block games don’t know how to build the same blocks when presented the toys in real life.[5] This is because the toddlers didn’t develop the skills before seeing it on the Internet.
Furthermore, Dr. Bennett states in her keynote lectures that some kids are less likely to try a task after seeing performed on YouTube. It’s as if watching “scratches the itch” of wanting to do it themselves. How-to videos often demonstrate an effortless learning curve, as the practice and messy sessions are edited out – leaving a quick and perfectly executed trial to view. When a child tries out the task themselves, they can fall into “compare and despair,” feeling that their very normal imperfect trial was a failure rather than a healthy try.
Dr. Bennett recommends that, from two to twelve years old, children shouldn’t have Internet-enabled smartphones. A normal flip phone that only allows for calling and texting will suffice for any safety concerns. Some starter phones even have GPS tracking.
Those are a general rule of thumb since all children vary in maturity. Age doesn’t qualify a child to use a smartphone well but instead impulse control, social awareness, and true comprehension of what technology does.[5] Bill Gates’ household requires at least one of the following to be met before a smartphone is given[6]:
Must be 14 years old
Demonstrate behavioral restraint
Comprehend the value of face-to-face communication
Dr. Bennett further points out that, even at 14 years old, kids don’t have the brain development to anticipate consequences and engage in high-order thinking. Just telling them what not to do will not keep them from making unwise, impulsive decisions online. In fact, kids are neurologically programmed to copy some of the cruel and vulgar behaviors they will invariably run across online, even with parental controls. Be prepared to calmly coach them through a variety of online mistakes. No child escapes it.
Wait Until 8th Campaign
If you’re looking for a place to start, GKIS recommends Wait Until 8th. As of March 2019, 20,000 families across the entire nation have signed the Wait Until 8th pledge.[9] These families have pledged not to give their children smartphones until at least the 8th grade. They emphasize that it isn’t the only path, but a path that offers a safe space for parents with the same concerns. Professionals in law, psychology, education, healthcare, business, and social work created the non-profit pledge.[10] They’re parents who have seen the negative effects of premature smartphone usage in classrooms, court systems, private practices, communities, and households. By spreading the pledge, the Wait Until 8th Campaign hopes to:
Increase engagement in education
Encourage parents to set screen time boundaries
Change society’s view on technology so children can live authentic childhoods
“Can I have one now?”
Your teens will eventually get a smartphone, like everyone else. We don’t want to restrict them for so long that they go wild once given access. But first, we have to coach them to make good decisions on their own. This way, we can better trust them to be mature when facing issues like cyberbullying and age-inappropriate content. As simple as they seem, smartphones are very powerful. With that power comes great responsibility for parents to make sure that smartphones are a tool we use, not a tool that uses us.
Already given them a smartphone or getting ready to start? It’s never too late to make some adjustments. Dr. Bennett has put together a reliable Screen Safety Toolkit to help you get started. This resource offers links and explanations of parental control options on devices, through your Internet service provider, and through third party products so you can match your child’s use patterns with the right toolkit. She also offers a bonus of great learning apps and websites to help your child build their joy of tech-assisted learning!
Thank you to our GKIS intern Hanna Dangiapo for writing about this topic! (She admits that she still reminisces about her Motorola Razr).
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Did you know that Instagram has become a popular dating app?[10] As Tinder users transition to Instagram, child profiles may be increasingly viewed in a sexualized way by strangers. Unlike traditional dating apps, Instagram doesn’t have the stringent age restrictions. Find out what you need to know if your kids or teens have Instagram. Haven’t implement social media rules yet? Dr. Bennett’s Connected Family Online Course is a MUST have for families with school-age kids.
Instagram partners with Tinder.
Tinder is a dating app that allows users to peruse the profile of a potential hookup or dating partner. Swipe left if you’re not interested and right you are. Mutual right swipes opens opportunity for private messaging.[7]
Instagram, on the other hand, is a social media profile that allows users to share images and create a profile displaying their posts. Users can upload to their story, which lets others see what they are doing without posting to their profile. Stories disappear within 24 hours. Public profiles can be viewed by anyone, not just friends; while users must send a friend request before gaining access to posts on private accounts. Other features include direct messaging and live streaming.
In 2015, Instagram partnered with Tinder in response to users increasingly recognizing its advantages for dating and sex, providing more communication features and access to a larger user population.[20]Linking the two social media platforms allows other Tinder users to view your most recent Instagram posts.[9][11]
Previously Tinder accounts provided only basic information (first name, employment, education level, and bio), only allowing you access to other profiles when both users have swiped right.[13] In contrast, on Instagram users can choose what and how much they share about themselves on their profile, allowing all users to view your profile, unless the account is private.
Tinder profiles now include:
user’s location
multiple photos
city
gender
age (optional)
connection to Instagram profile (optional)
top Spotify artists (optional)
boomerangs (optional)
Tinder Gold (in-app purchase)
Are teens using dating apps?
60% of dating app users are between the ages of 18-24.[32]
The largest demographic on Instagram is males between 18-24 years old.[33]
US college students are turning to dating apps when bored or in need of a confidence boost.[2]
By the year 2040, an estimated 70% of coupleswill meet online.[3]
Dating App Fatigue
Why not just stick with Tinder? Experts posit that the change may be in response to dating app fatigue.[2] Studies have found that 32.9% of Tinder users delete the app within a day of downloading it.[3] Also, other dating apps do not provide the same amount of discretion and mystery as Instagram dating. Instagram allows its users to look for a romantic partner without everyone knowing they are on the market.[8]
Instagram Features that Facilitate Dating
Instagram is one of the main sources of social interactions for young people due to the following intuitive and useful features:
Stories feature (disappear in 24 hours):
Allows users to know who views their stories daily[2]
Remarkably low-risk ability to engage with a stranger or someone you’ve previously met in a seemingly spontaneous way (manner)[3]
Allows control over who can view your stories[4]
Offers a place to engage in a new form of casual stalking[6]
Direct Message (DM):
Messages come from people that the user knows, not a stranger.[6]
Provides a false sense of security, especially for kids
Profile:
The shift from viewing only those who have swiped right to seeing all profiles that are not private, provides users with a larger pool of dating options.
Explore Tab:
Caters to what you are used to seeing by showing users similar profiles to the ones they are viewing regularly.
Makes it easier for strangers to approach strangers.
Pops up random profiles that you would be interested in but may not have found on your own.
Gives people the opportunity to approach others that wouldn’t have had the opportunity to on other less popular dating apps.
Tindstagramming
“Sliding into someone’s DM” is the result of Instagram becoming a combo social media/dating app.[6]This refers to reaching out through someone’s direct message when romantically interested. DMs allow the user to hide behind their carefully crafted virtual identity.[9]
Engaging in tindstagramming is becoming more popular. Once-refused users on Tinder now have another shot at potentials on Instagram.[6]Some Tindstagrammers ignore the consensual component that comes with dating in real life.[7]This annoying trend was made easier when the two platforms partnered.
InstaDating
If you like someone, why bother with the complications of real-life flirting? Simply pressing a “like” button on Instagram is equivalent to giving someone a compliment. But it gets pretty subtle. For instance, if you “like” multiple photos it tells that person you are interested in more than friendship. Want to walk up to someone you think is cute and say hello? Now all you have to do is post a comment. The biggest telltale factor of dating on Instagram is when you start DMing. This is where the real flirting starts, and you know that the person is trying to make a move.[4]
Instagram is now our very own advertisement for our dating life.[4] The problem lies in the curation of our personalities online. If we form a connection with someone, they will only know the parts of us that we have shared (or falsely fabricated). So many features, so many options for your perfected virtual identity.
Statistics reveal that tinstagramming is catching on. A 2018 survey of men ages 18-35 found:
14% claimed to use the site to find dates
30% said they use photos from the site to masturbate
7% have paid for nude photos/videos on Instagram
5% have paid for sex on Instagram[20]
Hashtags are used to let others know you are looking to date:
#hookup
#sex
#davido
#chefchi
#lagos[30]
Instagram Dating Lingo
I have found it shockingly common for people to admit they met their partner on Instagram. Now that Instagram is so highly associated with dating, terms have been coined to describe different things couples do.
Here are new terms every parent should know:
Thirst Traps: A thirst trapis either a seductive video or image that’s posted to draw attention from people and receive approval.[4] When dating online, this could be the equivalent of dressing very promiscuously and going out to dance.
Sub-gramming (subgram):Subgrammingoccurs when someone posts photos on their profile that they have talked about with the person they are dating. They have not experienced it together, but it is in some way personal to them.[29]
Twinstagramming:Twinstagframmingis when both people in a relationship post the same (or practically identical) images. This allows others to insinuate that the two are dating.[29]
Orbiting: Orbitingis in a sense the opposite of ghosting. It takes place when, even after communication has ceased, someone continues to watch your stories daily. This is done when someone is still somewhat interested and wants to keep you as an option. However, they choose not to pursue you.[26]
Changes Seen in Real Life Dating
The social acceptance of online dating is a far cry from the negative stigma that used to be associated with it. Flirting also has less pressure associated with it. If you get rejected or ignored, simply try again. So many profiles to choose from…
Since 2017, posting a photo and becoming “Instagram official” has become a common practice for monogamous relationships.[29] Our children’s idea of chivalry is turning into whether their significant other watches their Instagram stories.[24]
It is also changing the way people show their affection in relationships. Users know their relationship is ill-fated when their companion stops viewing their stories.[24]
What to Teach our Kids
A new potential problem with Instagram becoming a dating site is the risk of more sexualized content and predatory people kids may encounter. If your child is at an age that you think dating is appropriate, there is more to teach them than there has been in the past. It’s better to have you teach your children these things than have them turn to outside sources for possibly misguided information.
What you can do:
Establish with your child what it looks like when someone cares for you.Make sure they have a firm grasp on reality. Explain to them how they should be treated in a relationship.
Help them create and maintain confidence and feelings of self-worth.Help them by facilitating engagement in tasks that are creative and fuel the soul.
Offer healthy off-screen hobbies when boredom strikes
Remind them you’re there.Avoid soul-killing lectures. Instead engage in fun, mutual conversations and encourage mutual story-telling. Challenge them to form their own opinions and encourage assertiveness. If they speak up to you, they’re more likely to speak up to dangerous others. Most of all, never let them forget that your love for them is unconditional.
How to Keep Your Child Safe on Instagram
Set account to private.
Use two-factor authentication. This offers more security upon login by requiring a password and your mobile device to access.[16]
No last name, identifying information or sexualized photos.
Control who views posts. Block anyone that you do not want to see your child’s posts (additional precaution to a private account).
Turn off location settings.[15]
Require that your child only friends people they know.
Report anything that makes you feel that your child’s safety is at risk.
Check your child’s account regularly. Remember, kids commonly have more than one Instagram profile (public, private, and finstagram).
Onward to More Awesome Parenting,
Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
Works Cited
[10] NZ Herald. “Lee Suckling: Why Instagram is the new Tinder” Lee Suckling, 2018.
[20] Mirror Techology. “Insta-bang? One in 20 men has PAID for sex on Instagram, survey reveals.” Shivali Best, 2018.
[3] Google. “Instagram is the only dating app we’re all using.” Dane Maximov, 2018.
[2] The Future Laboratory. “With real-life encounters still considered an unreliable means to instigate romance, Instagram makes sense as a more practical tool for match-making.” Holly Friend, 2018.
[32] Recode “Tinder and Instagram are ‘crippling’ relationships, sex therapist.” Eric Johnson, 2018.
[33] Google. “47 Incredible Instagram Statistics.” Kit Smith, 2019.
[6] Mashable. “Sliding into Instagram DMs is the new way of digitally flirting,” Rachel Thompson, 2017.
[7] Independent. “‘Tindstagramming’ is a new dating trend – and it needs to stop.” Olivia Petter, 2017.
[9] New York. “The Scourge of the Tindstagrammer: Tinder Rejects Who Creep on Instagram.” Paris Martineau, 2017.
[13] Refinery 29. “Tindstagramming Is The Creepy New Dating Trend You Need To Know.” Natalie Gil, 2017.
[11] VIDA Select. “How To Link And Disconnect Tinder From Instagram”
[8] Digital Trends. “First comes Instagram, then comes love: Why Instagram is displacing dating apps.” Molly McHugh, 2013.
[4] The New York Times. “Instagram Is Now a Dating Platform, Too. Here’s How It Works.” Valeriya Safronova, 2017.
[30] Google. “Hashtags for #hookup” 2017.
[29] Medium. “Going “Instagram official” is the new way to declare your relationship status.” Taylor Lorenz, 2017.
[26] HuffPost. “I Gave Up Dating Apps And Caught The Man Of My Dreams In A Thirst Trap On Instagram” Emily McCombs, 2018.
[24] “The New Dating Requirement: Consuming All of Your Partner’s #Content” Taylor Lorenz, 2018.
[16] Instagram Press. “Tips for Staying Safe on Instagram by Instagram Info Center.” Instagram Press, 2017.
[15] Mothers Circle. “5 Instagram Safety Tips for Teens.” Ali DeCesare, 2013.
Kids and teens love YouTube’s colorful celebrities who cater to their specific interests. But many influencers use their celebrity status to lead fans into harmful situations. In today’s GKIS article, find out how these YouTube celebrities promised big earnings from online gambling, offered poorly planned conventions, attacked other influencers, and encouraged fans to harass other online competitors. Using unethical tactics and no disclosure, many of these profit-making schemes succeed unchallenged.
What’s a YouTube influencer?
A YouTube influenceris a person with a YouTube profile that has a large number of followers and can influence trends, products, and purchasing habits. Their content is typically videos of product recommendations or reviews. Other times, it’s a video (vlog) with influencers talking to their audience about anything that strikes their fancy. Most vlogs include colorful opinions, vulgar language, and provocative topics.
Most influencers are trained marketers who profit from ads, partnerships, and paid sponsorships. Although some provide harmless entertainment, others intentionally mislead or introduce content that can harm their followers.
“Oops, I didn’t mean it.”
One-time mistakes are getting increasingly rare among YouTube celebrities. For some, a string of mistakes results in more fame and profit. For instance, PewDiePie is one of the world’s most famous YouTube celebrities with 91 million subscribers. In 2108, he was criticized for promoting an Anti-Semitic YouTube channel [1], delivering Anti-Semitic jokes [2], and using the hard N-word to thousands of viewers in a live stream video [3].
In 2019, PewDiePie stoked fan fires by encouraging “a fight” with a YouTube channel T-Series and Indian production house. Competing for subscribers, PewDiePie fanned a competition between American YouTube culture versus Indian YouTube Culture. The rallying cry resulted in hacking printers and Google homes, a vandalized World War II memorial in Brooklyn (“subscribe to Pewdiepie”), and, most horrifying, a Christchurch mass murderer yelling “subscribe to PewDiePie” during the live stream of his shooting.
YouTube Influencers Encourage Gambling
CSGOLotto: In 2016, YouTubers TmarTn and ProSyndicate promoted and advertised a site called CSGOLotto. On this site, players bought in-game items that were placed into an online pot alongside other people’s purchased merchandise. The goal was to gamble to win the biggest pot of merchandise.
Video ads for the GSGOLotto showed TmarTn and ProSyndicate having fun gambling large amounts of money trying to win big. Most times, they did win BIG – up to three times the amount they started with up to $20,000 worth of merchandise!
Based on our research, at no point in the ads or written copy did either influencer mention to their collective audience of 13.5 million that they owned this site and were profiting directly. We found the ads to be misleading, looking like the celebrities were simply players rather than profiteers.
Mystery Brand: In 2018, Jake Paul and RiceGum created a similar gambling site called Mystery Brand. In this game, players purchase $5 to $100 virtual boxes that would contain a mystery item worth either less or more than the amount paid. The promised a chance to win a $250 million house with only a $15 buy-in.
The influencers were reportedly paid $100,000 for promotion to their collective 30 million subscribers. In their videos, they narrated how they “teamed up” with Mystery Brand to show how “dope” it was to play.
After demonstrating the easy signup process, the two spent big. Once a player buys in, their money stays in. Players can’t cash out. They can only earn sponsored prizes shown on the site, like a virtual shopping mall. For example, in one video RiceGum shows off his $15,000 profit after only spending $3,000. Neither RiceGum nor Jake Paul refers to the site as “gambling,” but instead call it a “game” with “good value,” promising “there is no losing in this.” Based on our research, no place on the site states the players’ chances of winning.
A Poorly Planned Convention
Tana Mongeau is a content creator with 3.7 million subscribers. In 2018, 5,000 people showed up at a hotel in Anaheim to attend her convention, advertised to be a cheaper and more accessible version of Vidcon (which is a large-scale event hosted by YouTube to meet your favorite YouTuber). Due to poor planning, over 4,000 people waited for over four hours in the sweltering heat outside of the hotel. There were little shade, food, or water available, and many attendees got sunburned, passed out, and rioted due to poor accommodations and security.
Although promised to be free, it wasn’t. While 4,000 waited outside, the 1,000 inside were greeted with a $60 “VIP” pass, with a lack of entertainment, overcrowding, and almost the same issues as those outside the hotel. The videos of this event are upsetting to watch.
Using Their Platform to Attack People
When some YouTube influencers don’t like other content creators or other people in general, they sometimes rant with name-calling and unfair accusations. This cyberbullying can result in a cyber flash mob of dedicated fans that cyber attack through doxing(showing private information), pranking, and cyber-harassment.
False Accusations Against a Competitive Influencer
Jackie Aina is a popular beauty guru who creates and shares videos of makeup applications with 2.9 million subscribers. In 2018, she made a video accusing another YouTuber, Petty Paige (128 thousand subscribers), of stealing $1,500 from her personal bank account.
This accusation appeared to have no proof of legitimacy. Although she never stated Petty Paige’s name in the video, she put up a picture of a video Paige had made, making it easy for her subscribers to identify the accused perpetrator. Jackie Aina’s fans took to social media to harass Paige for weeks. Paige even stated that many business and job opportunities were canceled because of harassment.
Targeting Their Audience
The Gabbie show (6.4 million subscribers) is one of many YouTubers who have targeted everyday people with no regard to how the fan base would react to it. When a young girl in her audience made a negative comment on one of Gabbie’s tweets, Gabbie screenshotted it along with the girl’s account and posted it on her Twitter (2.7 million followers). This led fans to spam and harass the girl, flooding her inbox with hateful messages.
Are there legal consequences?
Too often, when malicious or unethical online behavior is identified, the scandal is fleeting. For example, in the case of TmarTns and ProSyndicate’s gambling scam, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) filed a case for lying about ownership of a product. Yet somehow, both influencers avoided legal prosecution, only suffering a mild loss in subscribers and yearly income due to a damaged reputation. They still have a net worth of around $5 million.
For Jake Paul and RiceGum, absolutely nothing happened. RiceGum created a video justifying his behavior as the same as what others do. Jake Paul made a joke about the situation. When asked, “You loved being called out for selling a gambling scam to underage kids?” He responded, “Yes, love it.”
Of the influencers covered in this article, Tana Monogue probably received the biggest consequences. After months of backlash and hate from fans and YouTubers, Tana made multiple apologies. But she still suffered no legal consequences. And as for what Jackie Aina and Gabby Shows did, many just see it as insignificant errors in judgment.
What can be learned?
Influencers are not your friends and most often cannot be trusted.
Fanning follower anger is often fake and staged.
On the internet, bad behavior makes influencers money and often goes unpunished.
If you believe the hype, you’re gullible. It’s probably not worth the drama. Think for yourself instead of following blindly.
Thanks to GKIS intern Jack Riley for researching and writing this article. If you learned from this article, stay tuned for part 2, which details the irresponsibility and scams that YouTube influencers continue to feed their audience as well as the marketing and social manipulations used to make sure viewers keep coming back.
Onward to More Awesome Parenting,
Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
Works Cited
YouTube Influencers Encourage Gambling
Fluff, TMARTN GAMBLING ON CSGO LOTTO & DECEIVING OWNERSHIP (Full Video Reupload), YouTube.com
(2016, July) YouTube gamers caught in gambling row, bbc.com
