Has your child been manipulated and exploited online? Influencing people to send nudes is an example of sexual coercion, and it happens more than you think.[1] A survey found that 36% of participants reported experiencing digital sexual coercion.[2] And too often, it happens to young teens. Statistics say one in 33 kids is approached online, but many don’t report it.[3] Too often when kids come forward, they lose their screen privileges as a result. This punishes kids for seeking help, so they learn to keep scary online problems to themselves. This is my story of being the victim of digital sexual coercion when I was only 13 years old.
He was 17, I was 13
When I was in seventh grade, my PE class overlapped with eleven graders, and that’s where I met Dale. Dale was 17 and new at our school. I was 13, friendly, outgoing, and happy to introduce myself. Dale added me on Facebook, and we began to get close. My mom didn’t even know I had Facebook because I hid it. But honestly, if she had a resource like the GKIS Screen Safety Essentials Course, I wouldn’t have been able to hide it from her. I could have skipped this whole trauma. Nothing like GKIS was around back then. I was a sitting duck.
How We Got Close
Within two weeks, Dale and I were Skyping for hours every night. It was awesome. He’d say things like, “You’re so mature for your age,” “You look a lot older than you are,” and “I wish you were older so we could hang out in public.” He made me feel desired and special. Now I know that using flattery to manipulate younger kids makes them more vulnerable to coercion.[4] But then, Dale hyping me up so much gave me a big head. I felt like I was older, more sophisticated, and smarter than kids my age. I loved the attention. I already felt like a little adult.
Over the next few months, we grew closer and closer and started making plans to hang out. He wanted to meet at a “secret” spot across the street from our school. It was at an outdoor bench in a parking lot surrounded by trees which hid us from the view. He made sure we met at different times so we couldn’t get caught. I felt like he was ashamed to be seen with me, and it hurt my feelings so much. During these hang-outs, I discovered what first and second base were. We even talked about what it would be like to have sex. It was exciting for me.
How It Took a Turn for the Worst
Eventually, Dale coached me on how to pose for provocative pictures and convinced me to email them to him. He promised not to show the pictures to anyone and even sent me some of his own. I thought it was safe because he cared about me, and we loved each other.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until I found out that he showed my pictures to the boys in my class because they teased me about the colors they saw me wearing in the pictures. It was absolutely horrifying! I was embarrassed. I felt betrayed. I was so sad and angry. I didn’t know what to do, so I just denied it and worked hard to keep my composure. One guy bullied me about it the whole rest of the year. It never got easy.
I was afraid to lose our relationship, so I did not make it a big deal. But I did ask him not to show the photos to anyone ever again. Some of his friends cautioned him, recognizing the age difference. Most of them were nice to me. They acted like they knew I was a little girl with an almost-man. I think some of them felt sorry for me. That was his wake-up call to how wrong it was to be with me.
When I started to feel him pulling away, I sent more pictures to earn his attention. I was completely attached and “in love.” Inevitably, he broke up with me because he was turning 18 soon and did not want to catch a case. I was shattered. I felt unworthy, unwanted, less-than, and like I was not enough. To make matters worse, he began dating a girl who was 15 years old a month after we separated. Watching him grow close to her broke my heart and left knots in my stomach. I was constantly comparing myself to her thinking I was too fat, ugly, and young. I felt used and discarded. I had a hard time focusing on school, friends, or extracurricular activities. For the next four years, I felt like I’d never be in love again. It took a toll on me and made me feel so self-conscious.
My Why
At the time, I felt so alone and misunderstood. Now I see I needed resources like GKIS. Thirteen years later, I researched “digital sexual coercion” and finally felt seen. I feel better after understanding how common this is and inspired to share my story to help other kids and parents avoid what happened to me.
After reflecting on my experience, I realized that open conversations about online interactions could have equipped me with the awareness to recognize red flags. Had I gone through the GKIS Social Media Readiness Course, I would have understood the risks of social media even among my friends. I encourage all parents to empower their children to navigate the digital world safely. This way, you can prevent your child from reliving my worst experience.
Thanks to CSUCI intern Elaha Q for writing this article. Her courage and vulnerability are so impressive. She said writing the article was a healing experience. And crazily, her older “boyfriend” recently reached out to her and apologized. But she also said that she now recognized who he was still phishing for her affection, and it felt “weird.” It made me wonder, do we ever stop feeling vulnerable after experiences like this? Thanks Elaha for being bold and brave and sharing your story.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
We were hunters and gatherers for 90% of human existence. That means our brains are still wired to prioritize the things that kept us alive when we were living on the land, before the domestication of animals and the construction of cities. One thing that kept us alive was living in a tribe and cooperating. Attracting a tribe and fitting in was a requirement of life. That is why kids and teens are hyper-focused on doing what their friends do and working to be cool and accepted. Online influencers count on this drive to maintain their income streams. One way to attract kids online is to be a kid doing what kids love to do, playing with toys and video games, opening new packages, and hanging out with friends acting goofy. Netflix’s Bad Influencer offers a glimpse of the kid influencer “scene,” and the lengths that some parents will go to attract and keep a following.
What is Bad Influence about?
The limited documentary series has gone viral for good reason. It’s definitely entertaining, but also deeply unsettling. It is a perfect way to raise awareness about how scary a life all about social media can be. Bad Influencer is a documentary that focuses on a tween who becomes an overnight social media star and brings her friends to stardom with her. What started out as a fun hobby quickly turned into a living nightmare. It may seem glamorous to be famous online, until you learn that the child influencers spent the majority of their childhoods working long hours acting out video ideas, risky stunts, and performing pranks that sometimes went too far—all under the pressure of adult producers/parents hungry for views. Check out Intimacy With Minors Encouraged at the Hype House for a similar story of underage exploitation.
SPOILER ALERT: The show takes a chilling turn when the mother of the main character is accused of, and videotaped, sexually exploiting these kids on set by positioning herself as one of the only adults supervising them to control them. Some survived the battle with only a few scars, while the main character is stuck living this nightmare over and over again. It may be funny, exaggerated, and attention-grabbing, but it also paints a dark picture of a digital world where clout matters more than character and children are left to pay the price.
Psychology Behind the Fame Obsession
From a psychological point of view, being an influencer is cool to children because they have a natural need for validation, attention, and social connection.[1] Although the minimum age on most social media platforms is 13, it is reported that children ranging from 8-17 are found scrolling through online platforms soaking up content too mature for their ages.[2] Sadly, unlike real-world relationships, social media platforms offer fast, unfiltered dopamine hits through likes, shares, and views. Without proper guidance, this can make kids tie their self-worth to online numbers, which can result in low self-esteem, fear of missing out (FOMO), performance anxiety, and digital addiction.[3] As a result of social unlimited social media usage, kids can also experience anxiety, depression, and even poor quality of sleep.[4] Counteract this monster and help your child build emotional resilience, red flag awareness, and digital literacy by taking our GKIS Social Media Readiness Training Course. Geared for teens or tweens, it’s the perfect giftbefore that new device or video game.
What You Can Do to Help
Bad Influencer is not just a show; it’s a cautionary tale that shares the pressures kids face online every day. It is easy to get off topic and want to pull the plug on all electronics just to protect your child from their dangers, but that is not always possible. Technology and online platforms are all around us, and it is better to set your child up for success than to try to keep them out of the loop. Connecting with your child over what they find interesting can help create a trusting relationship where you can notice if things start to become a little off. Our free Connected Family Screen Agreement can help you and your child co-create rules around how to safely navigate online platforms. This way your child can thrive in the digital age without losing themselves in it.
Thanks to CSUCI intern, Elaha Qudratulla for researching and co-writing this article.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe. Onward to More Awesome Parenting,
Like movies, video games have contributed to a massive and diverse industry. The video game market place Steam has over thirty-thousand games available for sale and only 47% of developers sell their games using steam. This article will teach you what you need to know about the diversity in the gaming market, the games that came out of home projects, and what you need to know for you young gamers. Here at GKIS we care about the internet safety of your young gamers and we want to protect them from digital injuries. Check out the GKIS Social Media Readiness Course to prepare your tweens and teens for the dangers they will face while playing games and interacting on social media.
What is an indie game?
A video game can be classified into one of two groups based on who produced the game, AAA games and Indie games. AAAgames are produced by a major company that can back the game’s production with money, personnel, and any other resources the production may need. Indie games are produced by either a small team or a single developer with minimal resources at their disposal. An indie game developer is typically a single person with a good idea and access to game developing software.
A video game is a large time investment for any developer. Large game developers have teams of experts who each work on the pieces of the game resulting in a short production time. Indie developers, on the other hand, typically have minimal resources. They often crowd-fund projects and make sacrifices to release games in a reasonable amount of time. Indie developers tend to rely on social media for brand awareness and marketing.
Well Known Indie Games
Indie games may start out as small passion projects, but well-made games can gain popularity and become just as popular as AAA games. When an Indie game becomes popular enough, AAA publishers may buy the game from the original developer. This allows the publisher to put their formidable resources behind the project and then reap the rewards of the new and improved game. Here at GKIS, we put the formidable resource of Dr. Bennett’s years of knowledge and experience as a licensed clinical psychologist to work to create the Screen Safety Essentials Course. The Screen Safety Essentials Course provides parents and children with access to a comprehensive program that will help families to create safer screen-home environments and foster open communication.
Here are some Indie games you may recognize:
Minecraft
Minecraft is an incredibly popular Indie title, having sold over 200 million copies to date, and was sold to Microsoft the company behind the Xbox game console in 2014. Microsoft has since updated Minecraft with new content, released two more games under the Minecraft title, and expanded the game into other profitable areas such as toys.
Undertale
Undertale is a game that was crowd-funded and released in 2015 with an estimated 5.8 million users. Created by a single developer, this game has reached a level of acclaim that Nintendo licensed one of the characters to appear in one of their own games. The game also has its own line of merchandise and a much-anticipated sequel currently in development.
Among Us
Among Us is a more recent success story of a small social deception game that rocketed into the public eye, and boasted 60 million active users a day at the peak of its popularity. The game was very popular amongst YouTube and Twitch creators, which acted as a very successful marketing campaign. The game has become so popular that, during Halloween, kids were running around in inflatable costumes of the Among Us space suits.
The Benefits of Indie Games
Without a big corporation behind them forcing big decisions, indie developers can make any game they want. For example, Cup Head is an extremely difficult game with an art style designed to be an homage to the early era of hand-drawn cartoons. Some games are designed off of a single weird concept or a specific labor of love based upon an obscure passion.
Most indie developers try to get the funding they need to produce a game using crowd-funding. Crowd-funding is when a designer puts out a concept of a project online and gets funding from the potential fanbase to make the game through a mixture of donations, pre-purchasing the game before development begins, and additional benefits for backers of the game. Benefits can include anything from your name in the credits of the game as a backer to having input into a part of the game or a character in the game being named for the backer. Crowd-funding allows a developer to pool money for a passion project from people who are excited about the game. Crowd-funding success helps to attract investors because it reflects customer interest.
The Dangers of Indie Games
Indie games have been a source of some of the greatest titles of the last two decades, but that doesn’t mean that every Indie game is going to be like Minecraft. Indie games can be whatever the creator wants, and that’s not always a good thing. For example, some developers push the boundary of horror games and explore themes AAA horror would never touch. For example, The Binding of Isaac is one of the most popular Indie games of all time. The game explores themes of child abuse, religious extremism, and child suicide.
Indie games can explore any theme no matter how dark or twisted and the limit to what can be made is limited only by human imagination. That doesn’t mean all Indie games are horror games. But the range of themes available is significantly more diverse than the AAA scene for games.
What does this mean for your young gamers?
Within the gaming industry, Indie games are incredibly diverse. The diversity of genres and topics can create games that range from poorly made first attempts to truly frightening horror games and all the way to amazing successes like Minecraft.
So, what can you do for your young gamers online?
Read the summary.
If your child wants to get an Indie game it will often come from a website that allows developers to post and sell their games. There is a store page on Steam associated with a game that will give you a description of the plot, gameplay, pictures of the game, and reviews from people who have played the game. This will allow you to make an informed decision if this game is right for your child.
Our family course is designed to bring your family closer and get your kids working with you to stay safe on the internet. Our connected family course is outcome-based and will help you close screen risk gaps and increase family closeness and cooperation.
YouTube
You can often find YouTube creators that have recorded gameplay of popular new Indie games. If your child wants to play the new game their favorite YouTuber is playing, watch one of their videos with them. It’ll show you what kind of game your child is looking at, and you’ll get to hang out with your kid while you do it.
Thanks to CSUCI intern, Jason T. Stewart for researching advances in the video game industry and co-authoring this article.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Coble, V. (2021, September 30). 10 most disturbing psychological horror indie games. CBR. Retrieved November 20, 2021, from https://www.cbr.com/indie-games-disturbing-psychological-horror/.
Curry, D. (2021, November 11). Among us revenue and usage statistics (2021). Business of Apps. Retrieved December 4, 2021, from https://www.businessofapps.com/data/among-us-statistics/.
Curry, D. (2021, November 11). Minecraft revenue and Usage Statistics (2021). Business of Apps. Retrieved December 4, 2021, from https://www.businessofapps.com/data/minecraft-statistics/.
Donnellan, J. (2021, June 8). 50 best indie games of all time. Cultured Vultures. Retrieved November 20, 2021, from https://culturedvultures.com/best-indie-games-all-time/.
G., D. (2021, November 1). 45+ video games industry statistics, facts, and trends for 2021. TechJury. Retrieved December 4, 2021, from https://techjury.net/blog/video-games-industry-statistics/.
Lowry, B. (2017, November 29). This is what sets ‘indie’ and ‘AAA’ video games apart. Windows Central. Retrieved November 20, 2021, from https://www.windowscentral.com/indie-vs-aaa-which-type-game-you.
Mikolić, M. (n.d.). Undertale stats by Playtracker Insight. stats by Playtracker Insight. Retrieved December 4, 2021, from https://playtracker.net/insight/game/1122.
Oddo, M. V. (2021, August 2). What’s an indie game anyway? Collider. Retrieved November 20, 2021, from https://collider.com/what-makes-an-indie-game/.
On November 11, 2016 I was invited to participate in a panel discussion and present in a breakout session at the Safe Smart Social Conference at the Microsoft Corporate Headquarters in Los Angeles, CA. Here is a link to the panel presentation with thought leaders in child screen safety. My favorite takeaway?
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How can we collaborate with technology to build a connection with our kids?
Strive to have a strong, fun, connection with your children that includes an ongoing dialogue; one of the best ways to achieve that connection is with tech. If children see us as a partner in tech, then we can keep the conversation open. Remember that the partnership between tech and your connection with your child is the most important. –Dr. Tracy Bennett, GetKidsInternetSafe
How We Got Close
