Has your child been manipulated and exploited online? Influencing people to send nudes is an example of sexual coercion, and it happens more than you think.[1] A survey found that 36% of participants reported experiencing digital sexual coercion.[2] And too often, it happens to young teens. Statistics say one in 33 kids is approached online, but many don’t report it.[3] Too often when kids come forward, they lose their screen privileges as a result. This punishes kids for seeking help, so they learn to keep scary online problems to themselves. This is my story of being the victim of digital sexual coercion when I was only 13 years old.
He was 17, I was 13
When I was in seventh grade, my PE class overlapped with eleven graders, and that’s where I met Dale. Dale was 17 and new at our school. I was 13, friendly, outgoing, and happy to introduce myself. Dale added me on Facebook, and we began to get close. My mom didn’t even know I had Facebook because I hid it. But honestly, if she had a resource like the GKIS Screen Safety Essentials Course, I wouldn’t have been able to hide it from her. I could have skipped this whole trauma. Nothing like GKIS was around back then. I was a sitting duck.
How We Got Close
Within two weeks, Dale and I were Skyping for hours every night. It was awesome. He’d say things like, “You’re so mature for your age,” “You look a lot older than you are,” and “I wish you were older so we could hang out in public.” He made me feel desired and special. Now I know that using flattery to manipulate younger kids makes them more vulnerable to coercion.[4] But then, Dale hyping me up so much gave me a big head. I felt like I was older, more sophisticated, and smarter than kids my age. I loved the attention. I already felt like a little adult.
Over the next few months, we grew closer and closer and started making plans to hang out. He wanted to meet at a “secret” spot across the street from our school. It was at an outdoor bench in a parking lot surrounded by trees which hid us from the view. He made sure we met at different times so we couldn’t get caught. I felt like he was ashamed to be seen with me, and it hurt my feelings so much. During these hang-outs, I discovered what first and second base were. We even talked about what it would be like to have sex. It was exciting for me.
How It Took a Turn for the Worst
Eventually, Dale coached me on how to pose for provocative pictures and convinced me to email them to him. He promised not to show the pictures to anyone and even sent me some of his own. I thought it was safe because he cared about me, and we loved each other.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until I found out that he showed my pictures to the boys in my class because they teased me about the colors they saw me wearing in the pictures. It was absolutely horrifying! I was embarrassed. I felt betrayed. I was so sad and angry. I didn’t know what to do, so I just denied it and worked hard to keep my composure. One guy bullied me about it the whole rest of the year. It never got easy.
I was afraid to lose our relationship, so I did not make it a big deal. But I did ask him not to show the photos to anyone ever again. Some of his friends cautioned him, recognizing the age difference. Most of them were nice to me. They acted like they knew I was a little girl with an almost-man. I think some of them felt sorry for me. That was his wake-up call to how wrong it was to be with me.
When I started to feel him pulling away, I sent more pictures to earn his attention. I was completely attached and “in love.” Inevitably, he broke up with me because he was turning 18 soon and did not want to catch a case. I was shattered. I felt unworthy, unwanted, less-than, and like I was not enough. To make matters worse, he began dating a girl who was 15 years old a month after we separated. Watching him grow close to her broke my heart and left knots in my stomach. I was constantly comparing myself to her thinking I was too fat, ugly, and young. I felt used and discarded. I had a hard time focusing on school, friends, or extracurricular activities. For the next four years, I felt like I’d never be in love again. It took a toll on me and made me feel so self-conscious.
My Why
At the time, I felt so alone and misunderstood. Now I see I needed resources like GKIS. Thirteen years later, I researched “digital sexual coercion” and finally felt seen. I feel better after understanding how common this is and inspired to share my story to help other kids and parents avoid what happened to me.
After reflecting on my experience, I realized that open conversations about online interactions could have equipped me with the awareness to recognize red flags. Had I gone through the GKIS Social Media Readiness Course, I would have understood the risks of social media even among my friends. I encourage all parents to empower their children to navigate the digital world safely. This way, you can prevent your child from reliving my worst experience.
Thanks to CSUCI intern Elaha Q for writing this article. Her courage and vulnerability are so impressive. She said writing the article was a healing experience. And crazily, her older “boyfriend” recently reached out to her and apologized. But she also said that she now recognized who he was still phishing for her affection, and it felt “weird.” It made me wonder, do we ever stop feeling vulnerable after experiences like this? Thanks Elaha for being bold and brave and sharing your story.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
In 2019, YouTube was fined 170 million dollars for illegally advertising to kids. In this article, we’ll cover how YouTube broke the law designed to offer protection for children online, what they did to fix it, and the gap that still puts kids at risk.
To help protect your kids from inappropriate content on the internet, check out our Screen Safety Essential Course. This program offers access to weekly parent and family-oriented coaching videos that will help you to create safer screen home environments and foster open communication all while connecting and having fun as a family. Dr. Bennett’s coaching helps parents make more informed decisions about internet safety and educates families so they can use good judgment when encountering risks online.
What is COPPA?
The Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) requires websites to get parent’s permission before collecting identifying data (like a kid’s name or address) or the cookies from the computer the child is using for children 13 and under. Cookies is a term for a type of data packet sent from a website to a computer and the computer returns the packet to the website. These data packets are a way for websites to track a user and record their actions on the site. Any company caught violating COPPA may be fined up to a maximum of $42,530 per violation.
COPPA applies to any website that is aimed at children or has an audience that can include children such as:
PBS Kids
Sesame Street
Nickelodeon
Cartoon Network
How did YouTube break the law?
In 2015 YouTube created a secondary website and app called YouTube Kids dedicated to content for children ages 12 and under. YouTube makes the bulk of their revenue by selling ads and gathering customer data. Customer data is valuable to marketers because it helps them better target advertisements. YouTube Kids gathered child customer data using cookies without parent permission. This was a violation of COPPA. As a result, YouTube received a fine of 170 million dollars.
YouTube marketed itself to advertisers on its popularity with children and made millions of dollars on the subsequent revenue. This led to a surge in kid-oriented content creators who made quick and easy-to-produce videos to capitalize on the profitability of these new advertisers. For example, toy unboxing videos became popular because it was an easy to produce video that generated a lot of views. These content creators are also violators of COPPA because they capitalized on YouTube’s violation for profit.
What has YouTube changed?
The good news is that YouTube no longer collects your children’s personal identifiers and will not allow advertisements that attempt to collect them either. YouTube along with the FTC have also cracked down on content creators who intentionally abused the ad revenue system by mass producing content while YouTube was still collecting kid’s data. Those channels were reported by YouTube, reviewed by the FTC, and channels found guilty were then fined for their own COPPA violation.
YouTube also has guidelines to limit what can be advertised to children. For example, YouTube does not allow advertising of any kind of food or beverage to children. YouTube has also added content filters that are meant to catch content that is oriented at kids and ensure that any advertisement that can collect your data can’t show up on those videos.
But kids are still viewing inappropriate content
The bad news is that the YouTube advertisement system isn’t perfect. YouTube may not be able to target advertisements at your child specifically anymore, but they can still target advertisements at children using videos marked as for children on their main site, or using their secondary site YouTube Kids. YouTube has extra guidelines for kid-oriented advertisements. However, YouTube does not regulate video content in the same way they regulate advertisements. For example, YouTube won’t allow a thirty second ad about Kool-Aid on their platform if it’s aimed at kids, but Kool-Aid can make a channel and post videos that are essentially an advertisement dressed up like an entertaining video for children. If you’d like to learn more about how advertising affects your children, GKIS already has an article detailing just that linked here.
What does this mean for your child on YouTube?
YouTube has put better practices into place after the COPPA fine. That doesn’t mean that their business model is any different. YouTube is still a website that makes the majority of its money off of advertisements. The website may not be collecting your child’s data but their attention is still a commodity being sold. Content on YouTube can be fun and even educational for children, but you have to be careful of what content your kids are watching.
What can you do to protect your kids on YouTube?
Check what your kids are watching
If you check in on what your child is watching every few videos then you can be sure that they haven’t slipped into watching advertisements dressed up as videos.
Familiarize yourself with your child’s favorite creators
Check a couple of their videos and make sure their content is something you want your child to watch. It will also allow you to be sure this content creator isn’t advertising anything to your children in their videos.
GKIS how to spot marketing supplement
Here at GKIS our how to spot marketing supplement will help teach your kids about the strategies marketers use, and will help them identify when a video is really an advertisement in disguise.
GKIS social media readiness course
Bennett’s social media readiness course helps to teach your kids how to be safe online and recognize the risks on social media sites and found in gaming.
Thanks to CSUCI intern, Jason T. Stewart for researching YouTube’s COPPA fine and co-authoring this article.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
How We Got Close
