social media

How to Create an Open, Honest Screen Media Family Conversation Like a Boss

July 27, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Teaching kids what they need to know to be best prepared for Internet safety isn’t an easy task for parents. To start with, parents need to form that super-charged connection with their kids so they have BIG influence. One way to connect AND influence is to sprinkle hot tech topics into everyday conversation. My GetKidsInternetSafe blog conveniently serves up weekly information to fuel connecting conversation. Worried about Internet predators, cyberbullying, and online porn? Teach them the assertiveness and problem-solving skills during your chats. Fueling that connection while implementing powerful parenting strategies like those offered in the GKIS Connected Family Online Course create an effortless GKIS family culture. Wondering how to get them jazzed and engaged? Here are some quick tips on how to get the conversation started:

Create an open, honest, and positive family environment.

If your kids have a different opinion than yours, have a sense of humor and go with it. Don’t scold or shame them. Encourage them to try out different perspectives.

Play HIGH-LOW.

Each person shares the HIGH part of their day and the LOW part of the day. This is a tried-and-true conversation starter!

Start young but recognize it’s never too late to get started.

Consider the age of your child and simplify your language accordingly, but don’t be afraid to talk to little ones about hot topics. Sharing your values, opinions, and problem solving style is an awesome opportunity to connect and teach.

Get out there and get tech-savvy.

Before your child gets a social media app, test it out first so you know the in’s and out’s. Be eager to let them teach you.

Seek them out to share funny memes and videos.

This will quickly become a fun two-way street, an awesome opportunity to engage and stay engaged!

Initiate the conversation with the intention to listen.

Don’t lecture, shame, or threaten. If you start with “kids these days…” you’re headed in the wrong direction. Connect rather draw lines between you.

Inform them about hot topics.

Get in the habit of collecting current event “stories” from on the GetKidsInternetSafe blog or in news media (“Did you hear about the Dad who posted a video on YouTube shaming another dad?”).

Structure conversations about complex situations as a series of legitimate options.

Stress that there is rarely one “right” way to respond and that you celebrate mistakes and failures. That’s how we all learn.

Recognize that, in fact, “everybody” IS doing it even if you won’t let them.

Have empathy for their dilemma but still stay firm.

Praise.

Look for demonstrations of good moral reasoning, assertiveness, and leadership and be generous with worthy compliments.

Don’t scare them but share that people are often inappropriate and unsafe to talk to online.

Role-play how to assertively manage these situations. For example, teach them how flattery is used as a manipulation technique.

Can’t figure out how to bring up an uncomfortable topic?

Let your kids “overhear” a conversation with your partner at dinnertime. Yes, the walls do have ears.

Be patient.

Be prepared to have many small conversations over time rather than one big one.

And there you have it! Some actionable, easy ideas for how to be awesome, even at the end of the day when you feel like an overworked, bedraggled turnip. Please don’t forget to say hi to me on Facebook. I’ve been a little social media lonely lately.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo Credit:

Mommy Sandwich by Theresa Martell, CC by-NC-ND 2.0

“She Shouldn’t Have Taken the Picture” Is No Longer the Acceptable Answer in Response to the Brutality of Revenge Porn. Bravo John Oliver!

June 24, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

June is turning out to be an extraordinary month for cyber civil rights. Not only did Google just announce a new protection policy (following Reddit, Twitter, Facebook, and Periscope last spring), but John Oliver, comedian host of HBO’s Last Week Tonight, gave a scathing monologue Sunday night addressing online attacks and abuse of women. And the big get, representatives Jackie Speier (D-CA) and Gregory Meeks (D-NY) are drafting the Intimate Privacy Protection Act, a federal bill that is rumored to be introduced in the near future. Finally real action is happening to hold cybercriminals accountable instead of brushing the issue off by blaming the victims!

Imagine being at work when your boss whispers to you that he didn’t know how to tell you, but your nude image was anonymously posted on his Facebook page. He is placing you on leave until an investigation can be completed. You immediately Google yourself and are horrified to find that not only has somebody posted your nude image on the social media profiles of several colleagues and family members, but your image, tagged with your name, address, social media links, and workplace is uploaded to a revenge porn website. Perhaps you took the photo for your intimate partner, or it was taken without your knowledge in the locker room of the gym, or maybe your face was digitally placed on another person’s body? Maybe you know the perpertrator or maybe not. Either way, everybody you think may help laments there is nothing you can do to remove the image, not do you legal rights against the dirtbag who posted it. What if you feel so helpless, humiliated, and scared by this horrifying ordeal that you get deeply depressed or suicidal?

This very thing has happened to thousands of (mostly) women all over the world, each facing the grim reality that their father, colleagues, or children may view this most intimate moment. Revenge porn is the act of posting nude or sexually explicit images, video, or private information of another person online, without their consent, in an effort to humiliate, harass, or extort them. Perpetrators are typically ex-lovers or hackers seeking notoriety, and victims are typically women. Consider for a moment the irreversible harm that has resulted from these brutal acts to ruin a victim, including damaged relationships, loss of community, lost jobs, expulsions from school, harassment, stalking, sexual assaults, extortion, anxiety and depression, PTSD, and suicide.

Mind-blowingly, revenge porn is legal in most states and countries, leaving victims with little recourse for protection. In response to increasing pressure by advocacy groups such as the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative and Without My Consent, 23 states have enacted revenge porn initiatives (with 17 more in the works), as well as many countries including Israel, France, Germany, Japan, and Brazil. Unfortunately, however, state laws vary in regard to protection. For example, many consider revenge porn acts harassment rather than violation of privacy, while others require that the perpetrator be shown to have “intent to harm or harass” without a reasonable doubt. California’s revenge porn law only applies if the perpetrator was also the photographer. Such discrepant standards often leave victims helpless to protect themselves or seek justice.

Despite recent prosecutions against revenge porn under invasion of privacy, extortion, identify theft, copyright, anti-hacking statutes, and conspiracy, thousands of revenge porn websites still exist. Free speech advocates argue that legislation risks going too far and may violate the First Amendment. In other words, we have a way to go to combat viciously destructive scumbaggery online.

Google’s announcement on June 15, 2015 reads, “We’ll honor requests from people to remove nude or sexually explicit images shared without their consent from Google Search results. This is a narrow and limited policy, similar to how we treat removal requests for other highly sensitive personal information, such as bank account numbers and signatures, that may surface in our search results.” If the complaint is verified, the content will reportedly be hidden from public view and the offender’s account will be locked until he/she agrees to remove the content or the offender’s account may be suspended. This is the biggest tech industry move to date, particularly considering Google’s tradition of hard line First Amendment issues.

As a clinical psychologist I see first-hand how devastating online cyberbully, harassment, and revenge porn can be on its victim. Mental health responses are similar to what clinical psychologists see with sexual molestation and rape. And to make it even more frightening, it’s not just adults that are having their worlds turned upside down by cruel online attacks. Children and teens are regularly being pummeled with piercing attacks at their vulnerable developing self-identities. Has it really come to people writing up prenuptual agreements to protect themselves against revenge porn? It has…

I’ve been calling for a GetKidsInternetSafe revolution to help to parents teach morality, values, and kindness as well as digital citizenship, encouraging boys and girls to develop a healthy online reputation from the very start. To get loads of free tips and information to prepare for regular cyber issue teaching moments in your family, please join me at GetKidsInternetSafe.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Bravo John Oliver! (bad language alert)

The Britt McHenry video: Public Shaming and Reality TV Entitlement Are Modern Day Viruses

April 20, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published by The Good Men Project

Have you seen the Britt McHenry video? It’s gone viral, and like the millions of shares and comments suggest, this young woman’s poised and piercing delivery of cruel insults has made our collective blood boil. I’m angry that Ms. McHenry stooped to this level annihilating another person. On the other hand, as a human being with emotions myself, I’ve left my loved ones in tatters due to my sharp tongue on shameful occasion. Most importantly, what this video speaks to is two modern day phenomena gone viral, using social media as a weapon for public shaming and how reality TV is shaping entitled and ruthless behavior.

The tow truck company’s bullying video pulls for an old lady rant complete with “kids these days.” But rather than jump on the indignant public shaming band wagon of “I’d never,” I think it’s more productive to reflect on how did she get to that point and what does this mean for the rest of us? Is Britt showing us the behavior of a uniquely entitled celebrity who has lost her social skills due to too much pampering and exaggerated accolades? Or is she mimicking a practiced script too frequently performed by reality TV stars, deliciously sprinkled with venom for the greedy consumption of a morally lazy viewing audience?

First I feel compelled to confess that, like all of us, I am not a perfect person. I still joke about the day I lost my s$%t and uttered the arrogant words, “I’ll sue you’re a$$” to a moving company owner. I swear I actually said that. And to this day I blush at the memory, a blush that squeezes my heart in shame and resulted in a valuable personal lesson about crisis management.

The short story is that on a stressful day in my privileged life a moving company had a truck full of our worldly belongings parked at the bottom of our steep driveway, unable to proceed due to inadequate bumper clearance. With a baby on my hip and the exhaustion of a mother spearheading a big move with not enough help, I was on the phone with the owner. With an almost amused voice, the guy was telling me that, despite his personal recommendation his trucks could clear the driveway and a written quote, I was going to have to pay more money for more trucks and time-and-a-half for his guys in order to complete the move. If I refused to cough up the cash immediately they were going to park the full truck in a warehouse until I ponied up the cash. Believe me, I was outraged. I pleaded then I threatened. Ultimately, after my totally impotent sue threat, I hung up in tears and my husband tag-teamed the event and worked it through to a resolution.

Even ten years later I think I was justified for being enraged. The poor moving guys walking on eggshells in my living room sheepishly apologized, saying, “Mam I’m so sorry. I don’t blame you a bit.” And thank goodness I was kind to them. Ultimately we paid the extra money and our stuff got delivered and that was the end of that. But my point is not to tell you my story of woe, but rather to say that we all know what it’s like to feel helpless and trapped. And these moments test us like no others. These moments offer us the opportunity to rise to our best or dive into to our worst.

Perhaps that is where Ms. McHenry was that day. Or, maybe she’s a monster on frequent occasion. But at what point does our bandwagon shaming go too far? I think what we are all responding to is the Kim Kardassian-like poise with which she lands her demeaning elitist insults. It reeks of practice and shamelessness. Please somebody tell me that she was mortified by herself the second she walked out that door. That her apology had personal substance rather than the flippant result of hired PR. As a champion of the victimized and, on occasion, the predators in my psychology practice, I can tell you that anything’s possible. But what can each of us take from this?

I personally intend to have a discussion with my little ones at home. I’m going to tell them about Ms. McHenry and ask my kids what they think about the incident. Should we compassionately forgive her for being a venomous bully or should we carry on like an unraveled lynch mob? Like most life lessons, I suppose moderation is in order. Perhaps we should consider that she was in a terribly stressful situation where she felt trapped and out of control. That she probably has little experience with true hardship, and she has a ton of learning to do before she is capable of Martin Luther King-level understanding and kindness. That humbling experiences like these are the foundation of true wisdom, and that usually only comes with maturity and experience. One day Britt will realize that it wasn’t her brain, teeth, or college degree that is responsible for her success, it was the kindness of others.

Last weekend my 13 year old got her first treat to a nice hotel and room service alone with her Mom for a volleyball tournament. I was super excited to give this gift to her and asked, “Honey, anything else you want from the menu.” My feisty, bright, clever daughter looked at me with mischief in her eye and with her best arrogant accent she drawled, “Mummy, I want a pony.” We both burst into giggles at her clever observation and per her usual, she astounded me with her insight.

In conclusion, it turns out that learning can only take place through hardship and effort. Failure rather than achievement is when we start to grow. I propose to the reader that we each thoughtfully reflect upon our willingness to gleefully join the shame mob. Instead, perhaps we could each take a sacred moment out everyday to be grateful for what we have and try to share that bounty with those whom are the easiest to ignore. Because causing a joy riot from connection at a stressful moment will feed the soul, while a hurtful tantrum will kill it slowly.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo:

Video screen capture

Having Difficulties Teaching Your Teen Social Media Safety?

March 18, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published on Mamapedia

I’ve had a successful private psychology practice for almost twenty years. Half of my clients are adults and half children and teens. It is not uncommon on the first visit to encounter a motivated parent and a resistant teen. And by “resistant” I mean sullen, unfriendly, and sometimes outright hostile.

My first goal is to ensure that both parents and teens open up and engage with the therapeutic process. Imagine how difficult this is. Each party in the room has different and often opposing agendas. But essentially each wants me to tell the other how wrong they are while assuring them they are right. It’s impossible really.

The teens assume that they are at a serious disadvantage. After all, I’m old and a mother myself. How can I possibly relate to the plight of teens? And consider that they have already accrued some painful experiences with adults in the community who often treat teens unfairly with self-righteous contempt about the “entitlement of kids these days.”

Please join me in a virtual representation of a typical psychotherapy session in my office. Of course this representation is not of an actual client due to confidentiality concerns. Janie is fictional. She is a mosaic of many clients I have seen over the years.

Janie is a 14 year-old girl who was referred for treatment by her pediatrician after her parents checked her texts and discovered that she had a new best friend. The friend is a same-aged girl who lives in another state. The friendship consists of hundreds of texts, images, and videos shared every day for the last two months. Sally, the new bestie, seems like a nice enough girl, except she struggles with some painful psychological issues including anorexia, depression, anxiety, and cutting.

Janie is a compassionate caretaker for Sally and has shared her own secrets over the two-month-long friendship. Janie’s secrets include how angry she is with her stupid parents, how she got drunk last Friday night, how much she wants to lose her virginity . . . and . . . and . . . and . . .

Janie’s parents are devastated. They’d noticed she had become sullen, lost weight, and was being uncharacteristically cruel to them and her little brother over the last month. As a result, they decided to check her texts for the first time, elaborating that they had never had reason to be concerned before. In desperation, they yanked all screen media from Janie immediately and demanded that Janie never speak to Sally again.

Now, they sit across from me pleading with me to tell them what to do.

Parent demand for directive advice often puts me in a rough spot. Unlike popular public perception (thanks Dr. Phil), good psychotherapy is less about advice and more about facilitation and empowerment. Furthermore, when a family presents with an issue like this, there are five potential clients in the room: the daughter, the mother, the father, the marriage, and the family. Everybody needs something from the session, and desperately.

Not only do they all need reassurance and understanding, but they also need strategies, tried and true research-based strategies that are sensible and immediately actionable. They also need hope and healing from shame and guilt.

Prior to creating GetKidsInternetSafe(GKIS), I sometimes found myself blinking at distraught families asking for screen media advice like a well-intentioned, but dense jersey cow. I mean I was fully loaded to help with the relationships, but screen media rules? Yikes!

Ultimately, epidemic screen media issues in my practice and the need for support with my own kids propelled me to launch GetKidsInternetSafe. I worked for a year and a half to develop a state-of-the-art screen media toolkit; a toolkit that my families sorely needed, just like yours might, if not today then definitely tomorrow.

You might still be dying to know, what is the one thing that will destroy your parent-child relationship? One of the most common mistakes parents are making today with their kids is allowing screen media without putting a screen media living agreement in place.

What is a screen media living agreement? It is a written contract that comprehensively addresses any issues that may arise as the result of screen media, including family values, netiquette, rules, and regulations. And it’s a living agreement, because it is designed to be renegotiated and altered over time as issues come up and kids get older.

But how is this possible to develop a contract early enough, since even infants are allowed screen media? Educating yourself BEFORE your children use their first screen is essential. Recognize the risks and benefits of screen media and lay out a plan that allows enrichment but minimizes danger. GetKidsInternetSafe provides lots of free material to get you started, but parents must initiate the process.

What if you blew it and your kids have already been using screen media for awhile, like Janie’s family? Here’s the quick version of the plan I offered for Janie’s family.

In order to untangle screen media risk, a family like Janie’s must cleanse the screen media environment and start over. Lucky for me, most families already come in having already stripped screen media from their teens because if they haven’t, then it’s my job to suggest it. I have to justify it to the teens and quick, or I’ll lose their “like” forever.

From there, I lead the family through a psychoeducation process about how to:

reconnect as a family,
setup appropriate tech for cybersecurity, filtering, and monitoring,
make a workable and comprehensive GKIS Living Agreement,
implement sound parenting strategies for maintenance, and
slowly re-introduce screen media privileges while isolating and containing risk factors, monitoring and filtering as appropriate for the child’s age and the family’s beliefs.

You’d think the teens would despise me for suggesting this lockdown of their screen media, right? To the contrary, I am frequently shocked and impressed with the teenagers’ abilities to accept reasonable limits and embrace a more honest, up-front screen media plan. No more fearing parental spying and ambush, no more guessing at rules, and no more disappointing the people they love the most. Teens typically love the cooperative negotiation process and the opportunity to use their screen media without constant threats and withdrawal of privileges. I am not exaggerating when I say it delights me to see families transform from utter estrangement and desperation to cooperation, kindness, and compassion.

Just as parents must recognize that teens need their privacy, teens must recognize that screen media is not the appropriate medium for private content. There are countless interception and reproduction points in screen media communication. The illusion of screen media privacy is a trap.

Teens have to learn (hopefully the easy way) that it’s a trap, because one is lured into thinking that the conversations they are having will stay private. It’s a trap because it’s so easy to carry your friend with you 24/7, constantly sharing every activity, feeling, and venti frappuccino. It’s a trap because constant contact leads to dependent, intimate friendships. It’s a trap because, once shared, you lose control over that content, not only in regard to who sees it but also how it may be shared. A text, post, or image now becomes a physical entity that represents who you are – the good, the bad, and the ugly; an entity that can be edited and reshared with unknown numbers of people without consent.

If you’re a parent or know one, please avoid family crisis by taking an hour and sketching out a screen media living agreement for your family. GetKidsInternetSafe is here to help. And heads up, I’ve seen these screen media traps snare even young children and their parents. Don’t wait.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Do Your Kids Vamp? A GKIS Parent’s Guide to Good Sleep Hygiene

March 4, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published in Empowering Parents

I’m a psychologist married to a psychiatrist. Yes, I know how many of us it takes to screw in a light bulb . . . Between us, we treat people ages 2 to 92 and attempt to raise three of our own offspring. Ask us what we worry the most about with our clients (and offspring), and we’ll say sleep deprivation. Hands down, sleep deprivation is the most common and insidious threat to mental health in our practices.

With teens, we call staying up all night vamping, like a vampire but on screen media. And kids who stay up all night tend to sleep all day. Anybody who’s parented a teen during the summer knows this is a common state of being when a teen is left to their own devices. Then, when it’s time for school or other daytime activities it can be very difficult to reset a more reasonable sleep-wake schedule. I often see teens fall into anxious avoidance and depression as they try to make the switch.

Tips for How to Avoid the Slippery Slope of Vamping

NO SCREENS IN THE BEDROOM

Screens wake up our brains! Screen media stimulates the photosensors in the retina that signal the brain to suppress melatonin production (our sleep-regulating hormone). Less melatonin disrupts our natural circadian rhythms.

Screens in the bedroom also train us to be awake in bed. If we are often awake in bed, our bodies will automatically believe that the bed is an awake-only zone. If we only rest and sleep in bed, our bodies will be cued that the bed is a sleep-only zone. Although it is a challenge to stop teens from living their full life cycle on their beds, this habit can create sleep problems with the principles of conditioned behavioral response (awake paired with bed and screen time is a hard conditioning to overcome).

Make the No Screens in the Bedroom Rule BEFORE it’s necessary. I know it’s asking a lot to say no TV, video games, tablets, or smartphones in the bedroom. But, believe me, intimate spaces eventually lead to intimate gestures like sexting and the viewing of inappropriate online content. Too late for you because you’ve already allowed it? Stage a discussion and go slow. Yanking their freedom abruptly may trigger a backlash that may damage your hard-earned parent-child connection. The best-case scenario is starting with this rule from the very beginning.

SCREENS OFF 30 MINUTES BEFORE LIGHTS OUT

Psychologists have discovered that one of the most disabling features of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), an impairing anxiety disorder that results from trauma, is sleep deprivation that results from nightmares. While sleeping, the brain tends to prioritize and loop on frightening memories as it sorts through its memory cache for sorting and storage. As it loops, frightening content will appear in our dreams.

Just like the response to fright when we’re awake, stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline dump into our bloodstream when we have nightmares. If we are troubled upon falling asleep, poor sleep quality may result and we will be unable to awaken feeling refreshed or rejuvenated. This can seriously impair mental health.

Although emotionally triggering screen media activities like gaming, texting, or viewing activating content aren’t as troubling as real-life trauma, they still stimulate the same brain regions. Limiting activating screen media activities at night and giving your children time to soothe before bedtime will likely result in better quality sleep overall.

ENCOURAGE A SOOTHING NIGHTTIME RITUAL

We are creatures of habit. Habitual activity during the 30-minute bedtime wind-down signals the body to anticipate rest. Components of a soothing ritual may include soft lighting, quiet repetitive sounds, and comforting activities. Avoid eating, triggering discussions, and intense exercise. Sticking to a consistent bedtime schedule is also important.

STAGE THE ROOM TO BE RESTFUL

I know it’s nearly impossible to motivate teens to unclutter their dens. However, research is clear that a soothing environment contributes to a soothed mind. Offer your support in creating a more grown-up environment with a fresh bedroom makeover that reflects rest and relaxation. Light paint colors, organized closets and bedside tables, subtle lighting, and crisp, cleansing smells can turn a chaotic hovel into a relaxing paradise.

TEACH SOPHISTICATED SELF-SOOTHING STRATEGIES

As a psychologist, I can attest by first-hand experience that cognitive-behavioral exercises like diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness, yoga, imagery, and cognitive restructuring can fend off even the most severe anxiety and mood disorders.

There’s preliminary evidence that screen media delays the onset of sleep, negatively affects sleep quality, and results in difficulty awakening and feeling refreshed. It also decreases REM (rapid eye movement) and sleep time.

Children and adolescents who use screen media at night go to bed later, get fewer hours of sleep, and report more daytime sleepiness. Sending texts or e-mails after initially going to bed increases daytime sleepiness among teens (even if it’s only once/week).

A full cycle of sleep takes 90 minutes. (A full cycle provides cognitive rejuvenation that improves procedural memory and creativity with no sleep inertia.) 10-20 minute power naps are shown to increase alertness and energy. 30 minutes will result in sleep inertia (grogginess). And 60 min is good for slow-wave sleep (helps remember facts but some grogginess).

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Middle School Bomb Scare

February 11, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

I’ve just been through my first bomb scare. Thanks misguided middleschooler on Twitter and adult friend of a friend in Turkey who emailed the information back to responsible school personnel in California (at least that’s the mommy-rumor). Is the universe throwing me screen media crises just to keep me motivated or are they all happening to you guys too?

Mondays are the day I write from home. I’d just dropped off the kids and rushed through a quick walk with my best friend Nance when my phone rang. And by some miracle I actually picked it up to hear my thirteen year-old say with a mix of chirp and shake in her voice, “Mom, there’s a bomb scare at school. I’m fine. Please come pick me up. I’ve gotta go.” Then she hung up.

***

I pride myself in being calm, cool, and collected until all the information is in, but at that moment I was a few degrees left of totally freaked out. I’ve had a cold, I’m tired, and MY CHILD MAY BE IN DANGER. Reverse that for priority, but my point is I can’t sort through reason from emotion. While driving (sorry officer), I checked my messages. Sure enough, two minutes before my daughter called the principal of her school left a message saying:

“This morning at 7:13 am we were informed of a threat made against the school. We do not believe this is a credible threat, but we are taking precautionary measures to ensure the safety of students and staff. If you don’t feel comfortable with your child staying in school today, you can come to the back gate by the gymnasium and sign them out for the day. The children are safe with teachers on the blacktop. Again, these measures we are taking are precautionary, as we take all threats seriously. We will update you as more information is available. Thank you.”

I was nauseous. I just published an article titled Why Your Smartphone is a Nuclear Football, which details the ways lives get blown up with via text and social media. And now I sat gripping the steering wheel sorting out the degree of risk this Twitter-originating bomb threat had for my little girl. I was deadly calm outside with great potential for hysteria on the inside.

This has not been an easy three years for me. It started with my dad dying, the one witness to my life that was unconditionally loving and supportive. I managed his estate from 1,000 miles away amidst brutal family turmoil and a challenging lawsuit. Then my stepmother was diagnosed with cancer and underwent six months of horrific treatment before she died last summer. And while driving across the Mojave Desert to her deathbed, my mother was picked up by the police wandering demented and alone in a terrible neighborhood near the Mexican border four hours from home. I’d spent the past year desperately trying to convince her to let me get her treatment, only for her to refuse and being told by experts that I’d have to wait until she demonstrated true incapacity. It sucked in layers of suck. Not only was it a heartbreak to lose three parents at once, but to be responsible for tangles of legal and accounting nightmares. I can’t express how soul wrenchingly painfully exhausting it all was. Since then I’ve gone on to get conservatorship, secure her placement in memory care, and manage her estate, which included storing her belongings and selling her house. And that’s only half of it, but enough for you to get the picture. I was shouldering piles of emotional and time-consuming stressors with little opportunity for escape.

To make things more complicated, during this three-year drama my oldest daughter was struggling to cope with her involvement in the Isla Vista shooting and the loss of two young friends to freak violence. We have consistently worried about her safety away from home, because her privileged university neighborhood has been plagued by assaults, kidnappings, and burglaries.

In the midst of this personal turmoil, I continued my family and professional life while launching GetKidsInternetSafe.

You may be asking why in the world would I launch a business during such a difficult time? My answer is, “because I needed it.” I needed to be passionate about something that could make a big impact on a lot of lives. It simply made me feel better. While writing and setting up some impossibly complicated tech issue, I could shelf my pain and focus on something other than my emotional strain. It was the learning addiction I needed for true respite.

As my stressful projects are starting to wrap up, I’m grateful because I’m aware I need to heal from working too hard for too many. I’m getting my free time back and soaking in my blessings. And yet, life hasn’t gotten the memo. A bomb scare! Really? How many emotional and financial resources is Twitter costing us anyway?

After waiting in a long line to pick up my baby amongst tightly wound parents trying not to armchair quarterback about the school’s handling of the incident, I got her back. My blonde, gangly brilliant brown-eyed girl walked to me and giddily announced she and her friends want a beach day. Bomb scares come with perks it turns out.

Just like that, my fear evaporated. I brought her home and jealously watched as my oldest spontaneously planned a sisterly shopping and beach adventure, wishing I could go but knowing their bonding was bigger than my selfish need to join in the fun.

So now I’m doing what we psychologists call “emotionally debriefing” and writing to you, meaning I’m reflecting on my feelings and the situation that surrounded them wondering if I’m alone in the world or if others can relate. And I have to share with you guys that I’m still a little scared. Despite my optimism about people and our amazing kids, I have real concern that the power of screen media is taking us to places we’ve never been before, like middle school bomb scares. And maybe we are not doing enough.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo credits:

Time bomb by Dirk Knight, CC By-NC-2.0