Has your child been manipulated and exploited online? Influencing people to send nudes is an example of sexual coercion, and it happens more than you think.[1] A survey found that 36% of participants reported experiencing digital sexual coercion.[2] And too often, it happens to young teens. Statistics say one in 33 kids is approached online, but many don’t report it.[3] Too often when kids come forward, they lose their screen privileges as a result. This punishes kids for seeking help, so they learn to keep scary online problems to themselves. This is my story of being the victim of digital sexual coercion when I was only 13 years old.
He was 17, I was 13
When I was in seventh grade, my PE class overlapped with eleven graders, and that’s where I met Dale. Dale was 17 and new at our school. I was 13, friendly, outgoing, and happy to introduce myself. Dale added me on Facebook, and we began to get close. My mom didn’t even know I had Facebook because I hid it. But honestly, if she had a resource like the GKIS Screen Safety Essentials Course, I wouldn’t have been able to hide it from her. I could have skipped this whole trauma. Nothing like GKIS was around back then. I was a sitting duck.
How We Got Close
Within two weeks, Dale and I were Skyping for hours every night. It was awesome. He’d say things like, “You’re so mature for your age,” “You look a lot older than you are,” and “I wish you were older so we could hang out in public.” He made me feel desired and special. Now I know that using flattery to manipulate younger kids makes them more vulnerable to coercion.[4] But then, Dale hyping me up so much gave me a big head. I felt like I was older, more sophisticated, and smarter than kids my age. I loved the attention. I already felt like a little adult.
Over the next few months, we grew closer and closer and started making plans to hang out. He wanted to meet at a “secret” spot across the street from our school. It was at an outdoor bench in a parking lot surrounded by trees which hid us from the view. He made sure we met at different times so we couldn’t get caught. I felt like he was ashamed to be seen with me, and it hurt my feelings so much. During these hang-outs, I discovered what first and second base were. We even talked about what it would be like to have sex. It was exciting for me.
How It Took a Turn for the Worst
Eventually, Dale coached me on how to pose for provocative pictures and convinced me to email them to him. He promised not to show the pictures to anyone and even sent me some of his own. I thought it was safe because he cared about me, and we loved each other.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until I found out that he showed my pictures to the boys in my class because they teased me about the colors they saw me wearing in the pictures. It was absolutely horrifying! I was embarrassed. I felt betrayed. I was so sad and angry. I didn’t know what to do, so I just denied it and worked hard to keep my composure. One guy bullied me about it the whole rest of the year. It never got easy.
I was afraid to lose our relationship, so I did not make it a big deal. But I did ask him not to show the photos to anyone ever again. Some of his friends cautioned him, recognizing the age difference. Most of them were nice to me. They acted like they knew I was a little girl with an almost-man. I think some of them felt sorry for me. That was his wake-up call to how wrong it was to be with me.
When I started to feel him pulling away, I sent more pictures to earn his attention. I was completely attached and “in love.” Inevitably, he broke up with me because he was turning 18 soon and did not want to catch a case. I was shattered. I felt unworthy, unwanted, less-than, and like I was not enough. To make matters worse, he began dating a girl who was 15 years old a month after we separated. Watching him grow close to her broke my heart and left knots in my stomach. I was constantly comparing myself to her thinking I was too fat, ugly, and young. I felt used and discarded. I had a hard time focusing on school, friends, or extracurricular activities. For the next four years, I felt like I’d never be in love again. It took a toll on me and made me feel so self-conscious.
My Why
At the time, I felt so alone and misunderstood. Now I see I needed resources like GKIS. Thirteen years later, I researched “digital sexual coercion” and finally felt seen. I feel better after understanding how common this is and inspired to share my story to help other kids and parents avoid what happened to me.
After reflecting on my experience, I realized that open conversations about online interactions could have equipped me with the awareness to recognize red flags. Had I gone through the GKIS Social Media Readiness Course, I would have understood the risks of social media even among my friends. I encourage all parents to empower their children to navigate the digital world safely. This way, you can prevent your child from reliving my worst experience.
Thanks to CSUCI intern Elaha Q for writing this article. Her courage and vulnerability are so impressive. She said writing the article was a healing experience. And crazily, her older “boyfriend” recently reached out to her and apologized. But she also said that she now recognized who he was still phishing for her affection, and it felt “weird.” It made me wonder, do we ever stop feeling vulnerable after experiences like this? Thanks Elaha for being bold and brave and sharing your story.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Imagine that you’re running late to a new class where everyone has yet to meet each other. You sit down and note that the class is already full. But something else is weird with so many people in the room…the silence. This silence has become surprisingly normal due to our generation’s favorite accessory, headphones. These days it’s common to see most people out and about plugged in and tuned out. Is this a cool convenience or a problematic habit? Check out today’s GKIS article and see what you decide.
Excessive Headphone Use
In the university that I attend, most students have headphones in place until the moment the instructor says their first word of the lecture. The only people that are talking before that are the few people who’ve already established a friend group. The truth is, I’m so in the habit of wearing my headphones the idea of joining in on a conversation is stressful. My headphones are a sort of safety blanket that saves me from feeling awkward in new social situations.
My friends agree with me. We even admit that sometimes our headphones aren’t even on when we have them in! We keep them in to discourage people from talking to us or expecting us to respond. Sometimes it’s also a cover while we listen in on other people’s conversations. Headphone use is commonly a tool to socially distance.
We at GKIS aren’t the only ones who’ve noticed this phenomenon. BloggerClaire Hubble shared her story of being a self-proclaimed “headphone addict” in a blog post. In her post, she mentions the dangers of constantly keeping your headphones in, such as not being able to hear an oncoming vehicle or people calling for you. Hubble also brings up an important guilty pleasure we’re familiar with here at GKIS, podcasts.
For those of you who are not yet addicted, podcasts are like radio shows with multiple episodes that usually follow a theme or tell a story. Fans can subscribe to a podcast and follow their favorite podcaster personalities. Hubble said she loves podcasts as a way to avoid forced small talk. She goes on to share that without her headphones, she feels anxiously disconnected and even bored. She posits that headphone may be and up-and-coming addiction.1
Dangers of Excessive Headphone Use
Psychological
In a 1994 study on the psychological effects of Walkman use, researchers predicted that portable listening devices could potentially grow to be silencing technology. Silencing technology is the social and psychological separation of individuals. This study interviewed 36 individuals and concluded an impaired ability to interact socially with prolonged device use.2
A later 2005 study measured the use of headphones and portable audio use on college students using several self-administered scales and surveys. The 2005 study also found that frequent headphones use leads to social isolation and feelings of loneliness.3
Physical
Physical damage from increased headphone use has also become a growing concern. Potential health risks include:
Ear infections
Hearing loss
Tinnitus (ringing in the ear)
Headaches
Dizziness
Pain in ear
Hyperacusis
Excessive ear wax 4
Recommended Headphone Use
How much headphone use is excessive? According to the World Health Organization (WHO), anything over an hour a day is excessive for all listening devices.[5] Rather than eliminating the accessory altogether, steps can be taken to implement safe and healthy listening for your kid on-the-go.
How to Manage Headphone Use
In her book, Screen Time in the Meantime, Dr. B offers the following recommendations to help your family unplug:
Teach netiquette skills.
Introduce screen-free zones at the dinner table and other areas where a family conversation is common.
Decide on tech blackout times, like mornings before school and bedtime.
Start a conversation on safety with our free Connected Family Screen Agreement.
Safe Kid-Friendly Alternatives
Have you heard of noise limiting headphones? Noise limiting headphones are headphones that can be set to a specific volume the consumer decides.6 Researchers have concluded that noise-limiting headphones pass the “safe” listening range set by the World Health Organization (85 decibels) and were the favorite among the kids and teens in the study who tried them out.5 This is a quick solution if you know you won’t always be able to monitor headphone use but want to limit possible hearing or distraction injuries.
Special thanks to Aroni Garcia for researching and co-writing this article. If you liked the article, and you’re interested in learning more tips on how to break this trending habit, go over to 5 Back to School Tips for the Digitally Overtasked and Disorganized Parent to learn more about how you can keep on track with managing device and media time.
How We Got Close
