parenting

Middle School Bomb Scare

February 11, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

I’ve just been through my first bomb scare. Thanks misguided middleschooler on Twitter and adult friend of a friend in Turkey who emailed the information back to responsible school personnel in California (at least that’s the mommy-rumor). Is the universe throwing me screen media crises just to keep me motivated or are they all happening to you guys too?

Mondays are the day I write from home. I’d just dropped off the kids and rushed through a quick walk with my best friend Nance when my phone rang. And by some miracle I actually picked it up to hear my thirteen year-old say with a mix of chirp and shake in her voice, “Mom, there’s a bomb scare at school. I’m fine. Please come pick me up. I’ve gotta go.” Then she hung up.

***

I pride myself in being calm, cool, and collected until all the information is in, but at that moment I was a few degrees left of totally freaked out. I’ve had a cold, I’m tired, and MY CHILD MAY BE IN DANGER. Reverse that for priority, but my point is I can’t sort through reason from emotion. While driving (sorry officer), I checked my messages. Sure enough, two minutes before my daughter called the principal of her school left a message saying:

“This morning at 7:13 am we were informed of a threat made against the school. We do not believe this is a credible threat, but we are taking precautionary measures to ensure the safety of students and staff. If you don’t feel comfortable with your child staying in school today, you can come to the back gate by the gymnasium and sign them out for the day. The children are safe with teachers on the blacktop. Again, these measures we are taking are precautionary, as we take all threats seriously. We will update you as more information is available. Thank you.”

I was nauseous. I just published an article titled Why Your Smartphone is a Nuclear Football, which details the ways lives get blown up with via text and social media. And now I sat gripping the steering wheel sorting out the degree of risk this Twitter-originating bomb threat had for my little girl. I was deadly calm outside with great potential for hysteria on the inside.

This has not been an easy three years for me. It started with my dad dying, the one witness to my life that was unconditionally loving and supportive. I managed his estate from 1,000 miles away amidst brutal family turmoil and a challenging lawsuit. Then my stepmother was diagnosed with cancer and underwent six months of horrific treatment before she died last summer. And while driving across the Mojave Desert to her deathbed, my mother was picked up by the police wandering demented and alone in a terrible neighborhood near the Mexican border four hours from home. I’d spent the past year desperately trying to convince her to let me get her treatment, only for her to refuse and being told by experts that I’d have to wait until she demonstrated true incapacity. It sucked in layers of suck. Not only was it a heartbreak to lose three parents at once, but to be responsible for tangles of legal and accounting nightmares. I can’t express how soul wrenchingly painfully exhausting it all was. Since then I’ve gone on to get conservatorship, secure her placement in memory care, and manage her estate, which included storing her belongings and selling her house. And that’s only half of it, but enough for you to get the picture. I was shouldering piles of emotional and time-consuming stressors with little opportunity for escape.

To make things more complicated, during this three-year drama my oldest daughter was struggling to cope with her involvement in the Isla Vista shooting and the loss of two young friends to freak violence. We have consistently worried about her safety away from home, because her privileged university neighborhood has been plagued by assaults, kidnappings, and burglaries.

In the midst of this personal turmoil, I continued my family and professional life while launching GetKidsInternetSafe.

You may be asking why in the world would I launch a business during such a difficult time? My answer is, “because I needed it.” I needed to be passionate about something that could make a big impact on a lot of lives. It simply made me feel better. While writing and setting up some impossibly complicated tech issue, I could shelf my pain and focus on something other than my emotional strain. It was the learning addiction I needed for true respite.

As my stressful projects are starting to wrap up, I’m grateful because I’m aware I need to heal from working too hard for too many. I’m getting my free time back and soaking in my blessings. And yet, life hasn’t gotten the memo. A bomb scare! Really? How many emotional and financial resources is Twitter costing us anyway?

After waiting in a long line to pick up my baby amongst tightly wound parents trying not to armchair quarterback about the school’s handling of the incident, I got her back. My blonde, gangly brilliant brown-eyed girl walked to me and giddily announced she and her friends want a beach day. Bomb scares come with perks it turns out.

Just like that, my fear evaporated. I brought her home and jealously watched as my oldest spontaneously planned a sisterly shopping and beach adventure, wishing I could go but knowing their bonding was bigger than my selfish need to join in the fun.

So now I’m doing what we psychologists call “emotionally debriefing” and writing to you, meaning I’m reflecting on my feelings and the situation that surrounded them wondering if I’m alone in the world or if others can relate. And I have to share with you guys that I’m still a little scared. Despite my optimism about people and our amazing kids, I have real concern that the power of screen media is taking us to places we’ve never been before, like middle school bomb scares. And maybe we are not doing enough.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo credits:

Time bomb by Dirk Knight, CC By-NC-2.0

12 Things Exceptional Parents Do Everyday

January 28, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published by The Good Men Project

We all have million tasks to do in a day with little time to do them. But we can all agree that parenting is our most important and gratifying job. Have you ever heard the saying “parenting is all joy and no fun?” Today’s GetKidsInternetSafe article offers fresh tips about how to make it joyful and fun! What do exceptional parents do everyday?

They turn toward their kids when they walk into the room and allow their faces to *light* up with adoration.

Of course we are attached to our children, but the day’s endless tasks often get in the way of our showing it. When kids feel overlooked they seek attention in all the wrong ways on- and offline. Make sure they know they are numero uno in your home and that you will set things aside when they need you.

They are interested in their kids’ day-to-day happenings on- and off-line and ask follow-up questions about them (“So how did it go?”)

If you don’t ask, they won’t tell. The best way to really get to know your kids is hearing all about their thoughts, feelings, and daily interests. If they feel you are interested, they are more likely to come to you about the things that are important, both the fun and the scary. Nobody knows them as well as you do, but just like with marriage, profound connection takes consistent effort. And at every age your child transforms into a more complex being. Make them your most passionate hobby!

They have a sense of humor about their own screw-ups and are quick to accept and forgive their children’s mistakes as well.

If we want our children to work through their pain with self-compassion and wisdom, we must practice it ourselves. We are more likely to be our true selves in front of our kids than anybody else. In order for them to learn, we must show them the good, the bad, and the healing. Saying to them, “I’m sorry, I really could have handled that much better,” is a generous gift. They’ll love and respect you, and themselves, more if you teach them how to be compassionate and forgiving. Failure is going to happen if you are learning new things. Embrace it!

They plan fun family activities with happy sing-along music, cleansing outdoor activity, and hilarious light-hearted banter.

There is no better conduit to your inner child than playing whole-heartedly with your kids. Get away from your screen media, melt into the present, experience the wonder, belly laugh, and LIVE FULLY!

They understand that humor, slang, and interests are different for kids than adults on- and off-line and don’t get threatened or contemptuous about it.

Childhood may have been forever ago, but it’s worth your time to take a memory journey and get in touch with how it felt. Just like our offspring, we were impulsive, ridiculous, silly, and reckless. But now they have the World Wide Web to stumble around in, which each step forever recorded in a digital footprint. Filter their exposure to the damaging stuff along the way, and when they do run into trouble (and they will), gently coach them through it.

They refrain from lecturing because they realize that adult solutions don’t work within kid social culture.

Saying, “That hurt my feelings, please don’t do that,” honestly may not get them very far in the schoolyard. Kids are more expert than parents are when it comes to maneuvering through the brutal gauntlet of childhood friendships. Empower them with your trust and encouragement instead of annihilating their confidence with shaming lectures and demands. Encourage good choices but don’t pick their friends or make their decisions for them.

They put the effort in to have a working knowledge of screen media and show a genuine interest.

The ONLY way to stay a step ahead of your kids and protect them online is to study up and get proficient on the fourth literacy (reading, writing, arithmetic, digital). GetKidsInternetSafe 30 Days to Internet Safety was created to help you with that. It’s simple, easy, and comprehensive.

They expect their kids to sneak so they simply eliminate the opportunity rather than shame them when it happens.

In my psychology practice I celebrate when kids are successful and strategic. If their gray matter is firing, they will try some sneaky solutions to solve problems on occasion. Skilled parents accept that. Rather than providing them with opportunity to sneak and then punishing them for it, instead disable screen media during blackout times. Just because you say “no” doesn’t mean your kids will comply. Expect the best of them, but don’t freak out when they have immature judgment. The prefrontal regions of their brains (the part responsible for attention, concentration, organization, and decision making) won’t be done cooking until they are 23 years old. Be realistic in your expectations of them.

They initially limit access to inappropriate video games and social media and then gradually lighten up as it becomes developmentally appropriate.

Overdoing it by blindly blocking screen media may not only be upsetting to kids, but crippling to them as well. Like it or not, screen media is the way of the world and becoming digitally literate when they’re young may benefit your kids academically and socially. Are you being too restrictive or too permissive out of fear or laziness? These are definitely questions worth asking yourself.

They present family rules and regulation in a clear, honest way so kids don’t have to guess about what is or is not acceptable.

The GKIS Living Agreement is a brilliant tool for helping parents spell out screen media limits in a simple, comprehensive format that is flexible enough to change as your children’s needs change. Being proactive with your parenting is always better than being reactive.

They are respectful of their kids’ privacy and check screen media sparingly rather than being intrusive and creepy. Most importantly, great parents are honest and up-front rather than electronically spying and lying.

As a clinician, I see that some of the most damaged parent-child relationships got that way because parents were brutally over-controlling or too permissive with their children. The healthiest parenting strategies incorporate teaching, discussion, and opportunity for independent exploration and growth. It may feel good to you to be a critical decision-maker in your children’s lives, but it’s likely not in the best interest of your children. Child neglect and helicoptering won’t bring you closer to your kids, and will harm them in the long run. Great parents nurture rather than neglect or smother. Younger kids need stricter blocking and monitoring while older kids must be allowed to earn gradual independence. Allowing them some opportunity for failure is a healthy way to teach resilience. Just be there when they fall for wisdom and warmth.

They realize that their kids aren’t responsible for the online behavior of others. Viewing is not the same as creating the content.

No matter how tempted you are to freak out when your kids run across something inappropriate on- or offline, do your best not to freak out. Even though it is scary when your children find a gap in your safety net, it’s bound to happen. Keep your perspective and don’t be too hard on them. Curiosity and exploration is healthy and will lead them to scary places on occasion. It’s unavoidable. Don’t let your fear or guilt transfer into shaming them when it happens. It’s best to compassionately and gently guide them through.

If you like what you’ve read and want more free GKIS parenting tips, go to www.GetKidsInternetSafe.com/cyberbullyguide to hear about my most recent tip that will help you protect your kids from cyberbullying.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Hey Mom, Your Fifteen Year-Old Boy is Acting Like an Internet Predator

January 21, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published by The Good Men Project

Earlier this week The Good Men Project published my article, “Hey Dad, Your Twelve Year-Old Daughter Has a “Nude Out,” and it’s getting some justified attention (over 20,000 views and 8,000 FB shares). As I watched the FaceBook share number rise, I realized that my title made the victim (the younger girl) the active agent instead of the predator (the older boy). Isn’t that kind of blaming the victim? Shouldn’t the boy be the agent in my title considering he is older, being coercive, and has intent to deceive in this scenario? But then again, predator is probably a harsh word for a goofy impulsive teenage boy, or is it? To make it more complicated, sometimes the girls are more willing to pose and distribute their “sexy” image than the boys are willing to receive it. Ultimately, both the boy and the girl may suffer serious moral and legal consequences. Join me in tackling this issue by considering what you want for your kids and how we might facilitate their delicate and important journey toward good judgment, compassionate morality, and sexual power.

Last week’s article detailed a spooky teen “trend” that I learned from teen clients in my private practice. This trend involves a well-traveled digital bridge between middle school girls and high school boys where high school boys deliberately plot and groom middle school girls to send sexy pictures via text. The boys then assign point values, share, and trade with their friends a la human Pokémon cards. Seriously, this topic makes me rant, and for good reason.

Admittedly, I’m somewhat conflicted in my feelings. On the one hand, I’m angry that a boy grooming a girl to expose herself on screen media at such a painfully tender age is manipulative, selfish, and potentially very damaging to both of them. And for the boy to share it without her consent is frankly criminal and makes him (and the girl) vulnerable to child pornography and revenge porn charges. But is it predatory? After all, let’s face it, teenage boys are pretty much drunk from a brain newly flooded with testosterone and their frontal lobe won’t be done developing until they’re around 23 years old. What’s more, the thousands of sexualized images of women, and to a lesser degree men, that bombard our kids on screen media everyday fuels this objectification. Even our adult culture has a long way to go to responsibly and sensibly deal with issues like intimacy and sexuality. The multi-billion dollar porn industry and lecherous sexual trolling on adult dating sites are testament to that.

I’m also angry with the girls for participating. What does it mean that so many young women willingly release images of their blossoming sexuality for praise, status, and attention? (Insert snarky comment about the queen of all sheep-wolves, Kim Kardashian, and her new bajillion-dollar-earning book of selfies here). Ugh. As parents, we want them to value all that they are, but not by posing languidly for the lecherous consumption of strangers. And unlike any time in history, it’s too easy to turn a confusingly sexy impulse into a consequence that may be in play for years to come. With this enormous technological power comes enormous risk. In such a complex digital landscape, kids need our involvement in their day to day decisions more than ever.

As a psychologist, I notice two glaring mistakes that parents make when dealing with these issues. First, they start too late. If you’re waiting until your kids are teens before you talk about gender, sexuality, and personal privacy rights, you are starting too late.

The second mistake parents make is they only challenge their daughters with discussion and leave their sons out of it. The digital bridge observation illuminates that we must teach girls AND boys to be respectful, nurturing, and responsible. Sexual education and social problem solving must happen with both genders. You’d be shocked how few boys raise their hands in my university class when we discuss who received sexual education in their homes. And the girls admit that most of their parents were only willing to awkwardly mutter quick comments about menstruation. There’s soooo much more to it than that!

In an effort to “walk the walk,” my husband and I staged a discussion about some of these issues over dinner last night. Although it admittedly deteriorated into goofy comments and sticky marshmallow spills on occasion, some awesome insights emerged.

My kids asked that I use discretion and not discuss their comments in a public article, but I loved the concept my Navy veteran husband used to help illuminate the issue of assertiveness and social responsibility. The quote comes from Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Stephanie Rogish’s book, Sheepdog Meet Our Nation’s Warriors A Children’s and Educator’s Book:

If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen: a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath—a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? Then you are a sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero’s path.

A little heavy for our thirteen year-old daughter and eleven year-old son perhaps? Initially, yes! In fact, at one point in the discussion my son looked at me and pleaded, “But I love wolves! Why can’t I be a wolf?” clearly missing the metaphorical value of Grossman’s insights. But we persevered in explaining to him what being a “good man” and a “good woman” means to us. We didn’t lecture. We listened and encouraged knowing that this discussion would happen over and over for years to come in many different forms. We taught them that “wrong” happens the moment you’ve hurt yourself or another human being, not just when you’re caught. Most of all, we reassured them that we will be there for them every step along the way, when they do things they are proud of and when they make mistakes. We reminded them that nobody can do this alone, and we are in it together.

Here are some of the points we considered that might facilitate your discussion with your family around the dinner table tonight:

People are far more than a body part. Behind every text, image, and idea is a human being with thoughts, feelings, and value. Treating yourself or others as an object instead of a person is demeaning.
Screen media is a powerful tool. Once your hit “send,” that text, image, or video can never be taken back. Consider if it would be OK to show it on the screen in a school assembly before you send it to anybody. And parents, if you need help don’t hesitate to reach out to the school administration or the police. They are well versed in these issues and have specially-trained personnel. It’s rarely a good idea to approach the other children involved or their parents for that matter.
Save private interactions for face-to-face relationships. If it’s on screen media, it’s unlikely to stay private.
Collecting “likes” is not love. Sometimes it’s even the opposite.
Represent yourself online just as you would offline. Character matters.

Although parents don’t want to admit it, romance and sex titillates people of all ages, even children. As adolescent hormones come online those pressures increase. The world gets all that much more overwhelming and confusing as teens learn to drive their new brains. A middle school girl recently told me that a boy came up to her and said, “I can’t decide if you’re a slut or a nerd.” This disclosure launched an important discussion about what those words mean and what he was trying to accomplish by demeaning her with them. From this discussion she insisted she would not cower like a sheep, and I promised to encourage boys not to be wolves. What do you want for your sons and daughters?

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Link to Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Stephanie Rogish’s book, Sheepdog Meet Our Nation’s Warriors A Children’s and Educator’s Book

Hey Dad, Your Twelve Year-Old Daughter Has a “Nude Out”

January 14, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published by The Good Men Project

You’re reading with the hopes that this is one of those bait-and-switch sensational articles, right? Oh how I wish that was true. Unfortunately, I have run across a phenomenon that few parents know about, and those that do are too ashamed to tell anybody. The ugly truth is that middle school girls, with their immature frontal lobes and tender insecurities, are trying to attract high school boys by texting them sexy images of their blossoming private parts. It’s like they’ve invented an unregulated child porn matchmaking profile that doesn’t even have privacy settings, terms of agreement, or the option to delete the profile. Just a CLICK and SEND and your daughter’s catastrophically nude profile image is available to everybody everywhere forever, no take-backs. Thirty seconds of bad judgment at twelve years old launches a nightmare digital footprint and sullied online reputation. Ouch!

And what about the boys? They enthusiastically log in to this mess too. Some become expert at grooming the girls to send the sexy photos which they then share with their “boyz” on the wrestling team for quickly growing “<city name> nudes exposed!” collections. And to make things more horrifying, the boldest of the boys proudly share their name lists of the virginity prizes personally collected from girls they intentionally targeted who were too young to know any better. Fifteen minutes and these young women have exposed their vulnerabilities, their reputations, and the essence of their true potential. It’s like these teens lost their minds and logged in for an on- and off-line pimp-prostitute internship program. All that was needed was a mobile phone with texting ability and a misguided sense of adventure.

How do I know this? Because I’m a psychologist and the teens I see tell me the shameful truth, all of it; the truths that trigger pride, shame, sadness, and desperation. They tell me all about how they “released their nude” when they turned 12 years old in order to attract attention from the older boys. Or how they were duped into it by the soothing promises from entrepreneurial Romeos, only to find out later that they were lied to and it had been shared over text to the high school football team. There’s also the confessions from the boys that get their “ah-ha! I was being a dirt bag” moment when their frontal lobes come online later in high school. And believe it or not, both genders are capable of being predatory on the other. I hear what most parents don’t know.

I remember the first session when I realized this was a thing. I was seeing a beautiful eighth grade girl who was starting to get it and was lamenting about her best friend who purposely “put a nude out” when she was 11 year old. At 15 years old, the friend was bizarrely proud of it being re-released via text to “everyone in the county” four years later. My client guessed it was the fourth mass texting of the image. I sat there, horrified and dumbfounded, assessing my ethical requirements to the teens involved and my community in general. As a mother, I began visualizing the creation of a blueprint for Rapunzel’s tower in our backyard for my kids, screen-media-free.

So much of my young client’s disclosure made me deeply upset for everybody involved. I was saddened that children this young had already learned how to use and exploit sexuality as a cheap commodity. I was saddened that these kids broker power through contemptuous attention catamount to social media “likes.” I was saddened that there was an army of teenagers willing to receive these tragic misperceptions of self worth. And I was furious that some actively groomed their victims to build a sick collection of lost innocence with no more thought than they gave to their Pokémon collections six months earlier. Keep in mind that in many cases these releases are consensual, while in others coerced.

I imagine you’re thinking, “What kind of amoral community does this writer live in anyway? My kids would NEVER do that!” Right? I’m sorry to tell you that I live in the same community you do. This is not an isolated phenomenon. Participants come from all types of families, families of all income levels and religions with great parents and slack parents. Short of raising your child in a stone tower, there is no family situation where your parenting supervision cannot be breached.

Of course there are situations where children tend to be the most vulnerable. But the temptation is there for even the most well adjusted kids. And to make things even more concerning, this pimp-prostitute culture does not always end by college age. The media is rampant with stories of fraternity houses that have private Facebook pages littered with nude photos of non-consenting women and blatant drug deals, not to mention social media and hookup dating sites flooded with sexual trolling. Like it or not, the young have their own culture of sexuality that is different from their parents.

What has led us here? Is it the unregulated Wild West atmosphere of the Internet? Perhaps it is the moral decay of the Western culture? Perhaps it is the accumulation of sexualization and objectification of women splashed throughout popular culture over decades? Are permissive parents to blame or the rapid technological developments we simply cannot keep up with? And more importantly, what is going to lead us out?

My university students and I discuss this often, and I think you would be surprised how many advocate for mass regulation and filtering while I wonder about the sincerity of their self-righteousness. Because like them, I am conflicted about what makes up our “rights” for online liberties balanced with personal vulgarity and decency standards. Until our legislators are able to fully secure online child pornography portals, some which apparently begin in our own unsuspecting homes, parents must get serious about becoming informed and taking real action. And believe it or not, waiting until your child reaches the teen years to do this is simply too late.

I created GetKidsInternetSafe (GKIS) to provide sensible support and easy-to-implement guides for parents at all stages of the game. After all, the fantasy of locking your child out of technology is simply not realistic. Whether you have a toddler just starting to clamor for her tablet, an elementary schooler playing his first video game, a middle schooler begging for social media, or a high schooler who’s already technologically fluent, it is imperative that you become fluent in screen media activities.

With the help of GKIS, you can become informed, educate your children and set expectations about digital citizenship and online reputation, create a family dialogue about GKIS screen smarts, stage your home, filter and block online portals, set up sensible GKIS family rules and regulations, and most important of all, become your child’s trusted ally and guide should they stumble into an on or offline tangle. Too busy or overwhelmed by the task? Let GKIS be your guide.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Confession of an Internet Expert: This Week’s Embarrassing Parenting Fail With Internet Safety

January 7, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

I’m sitting outside shivering under three fleece layers while seven noisy boys experiment with new ways to get a head injury while screaming like Scottish chieftains in the pool. I’m exhausted. My son is at the tail end of his slumber party.

Last night my husband shuffled out at 2 am to deliver his best threats to get them to surrender to sleep, only to be followed by my award-winning stomping performance at 3 am. Then we heard nothing until 6 am, probably because my brain simply ran out of juice.

You heard me say 6 am right? It’s 10 am now. Thirty minutes till pickup. Thank all that is holy because I’m kinda miserable except that my 21 year old, Morgan, came to hang out with us last night to be part of the chaos that was our son’s birthday happiness.

She just announced she’s going back to her apartment to study in a town an hour away. She has reminded us with piercing clarity that these miserable parenting moments go away too quickly. And then we weirdly long for them. The older kids long for them too, it turns out. Last night Morgan sat with me around the fire pit reminiscing about her fourth grade slumber parties in vivid, grinning detail. It was a precious moment for sure.

Have you ever heard the saying “parenting is full of joy and no fun”? At this moment that dynamic applies in spades. It is during these “no fun” moments when we make our worst parenting mistakes.

This week I’m going to share mine from Tuesday. Of course I risk falling off the expert pedestal that some may put me on, but that’s exactly why I’m doing it. I may have expert parenting advice to share, however the truth is PARENTING IS HARD FOR ALL OF US. We all make stupid mistakes that we flinch to remember. We all get tired and confused and stuck. We all need fresh ideas and rejuvenating experiences to be the “good enough” parent psychologists encourage us to be.

This week is a story about how I failed to practice what I preach with parenting and Internet safety.

My 13-year-old daughter, Sidney, is bright, unflappable, and feisty. When I created www.GetKidsInternetSafe, she announced that she too was going to start a business, on YouTube giving MineCraft advice. I told her she should and that it sounded great, thinking it would be a fun creative venture for her.

Flash forward several months later. I’m checking her computer and find that she has created her own YouTube profile and there are several favorite videos already featured…and one is not appropriate for public profiling. Not terribly bad, but not terribly good either. Very middle school funny, if you know what I mean.

In my 30 Days to Internet Safety video parenting course, I stress how important it is to not rant, shame, or abruptly yank away privileges when you find that your child has not used good screen media judgment. Instead, use it as a learning opportunity. If you must consequate, be sensible. Don’t overdo or take away screen media by habit or your kids will learn that it’s a bad idea to come to mom or dad when Internet issues arise. And arise they will, for all of our kids, regardless of how careful and brilliant we may be in our strategies.

You hear where this is going?

Well, in this situation it didn’t take me long to rant and shame as I deleted everything; scolding her for proceeding without my permission and using poor judgment. Lecturing her about her online reputation and the risks of the digital footprints. All of it. It was kind of ugly and my bold, brilliant child started to cry.

I realized I’d kind of blown it, but didn’t want to crumble fully in that my message was important and some impact resulting from the situation was important as a reality check.

The next day I apologized for my overreaction. It became evident to me that I was partly worried about my credibility being ruined as an online expert if the YouTube channel were to be discovered. And I felt ashamed. I let my emotions override my empathy. It was the next day when she told me that she thought she had my permission. That the borderline inappropriate video she’d watched was super funny to middle schoolers. And that she thought those videos were only viewable to the user, not to the public. And the truth was, I wasn’t sure. I was too busy having a shame spiral spasm of my own to effectively hold Sidney’s emotional well being securely in the forefront of my mind. I was in a selfish panic really.

I’m not telling this story to administer a masochistic flogging, but to acknowledge that parenting is impossible to get right at every opportunity.

We all screw up, we all rant, and we all get selfish. But when we fill our hearts with compassion for our kids AND OURSELVES, we are more likely to stay on course. We are more likely to consider their developmental perspective, allow them the freedom to explore, and to validate their experience as we provide them with wise and gentle guidance (and if you live in our chaotic but loving home, to laugh at ourselves later among those we love, kids included). Because there’s really no better gift you can give your kids than a loving acknowledgement that failure is a part of life. If you are living a full one, those failures never go away, whether you’re 13 or 47 years old.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.
Onward to More Awesome Parenting,
Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo credit:

Birthday cake by Omer Wazir CC by-SA 2.0

YouTube Shaming Doesn’t Rehab the Cyberbully, But Kindness and Education Just Might

January 3, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Did you see the YouTube video of the Minnesota dad defending his 14-year-old Black-American daughter from racist Snapchat cyberbullies? It went viral and gained over 7 million views! Instead of standing by, he took matters into his own hands. Read today’s GKIS article and see if you agree with the way he handled it. Also, find out what we at GKIS think the internet hates.

How a Dad Defended his Daughter Against Cyberbullies

Bradley K’s daughter and her friend were sending Snapchat selfies to friends when freshman twin boys viewed them at a party and responded with racist, sexist giggling comments. She showed her parents who were horrified and recorded the snaps. They then tried to contact the boys’ parents on several occasions, even knocking on their door.

When the boys’ parents didn’t respond, Mr. K went to the police. The police investigated and shared Deron P’s (the dad of the boys) cell number with Bradley K. Mr. K left a message for the boys’ parents, only to receive a series of verbally abusive responses. Mr. K was furious and threatened to post the voicemails on YouTube. Mr. P reportedly replied, “I don’t care.”

So, Mr. K posted them.

The Fallout

After the publication of the YouTube naming Mr. P and the high school his boys attend, news reports stated that Mr. P lost his job and was admitted for detox from prescription pills and alcohol. The P family also released the following statement:

“The P family is not racist, nor do we use the “N” word lightly in our household. What happened was very unfortunate for both families, and we hope each family can heal and move on from this. There is no excuse for how Deron P acted, and nothing can take back the words he said to Brad K.”

Isn’t this dad bullying back?

Due to my experiences as a mother, clinical psychologist, and professor at CSUCI, I created GetKidsInternetSafe to support kids and parents in exactly this kind of situation, which are increasingly epidemic in our unregulated online culture. As a result of my expertise, people come to me for my specialized GKIS parenting programs and informational support. In this capacity, I received an email from a good friend with this news report asking what I thought of Bradley K’s posting. She said, “Isn’t this dad bullying back?”

Upon watching the video my heart goes out to Bradley and his daughter. He is clearly hurt and angry and has every reason to be. I’m a mother and I know the almost-crippling rage that burns when somebody hurts my child. I TOTALLY GET IT.

And the racist and sexist verbal abuse that this beautiful teenage girl had to endure…my thoughts play like a slide show of the hundreds of cyberbully stories I have helped young people process in my clinical office. I ache with empathy for the pain kids experience at the hands of their impulsive peers; pain that becomes woven into the tapestry of how they view themselves, their bodies, and their very identities. Like Mr. K, I am angry at the permanent damage that is being inflicted on our kids over screen media.

But here’s the kicker; I also treat the cyberbullies. In fact, more times than not, the victims have retaliated or acted badly on social media themselves. Victims often respond by perpetrating back or passing the abuse to another peer. And so on, and so on, and so on. Each child becomes a desensitized and sometimes monstrous participant, usually under parents’ noses.

What do you think of Mr. K’s choice to publicly air this incident?

He stated his intent for the Ps to “own” their racism. Considering the content of the statement released by the P family, that ownership simply did not happen. The children involved are now held up for public scrutiny for the public to debate this very real, very painful, and very common issue. The victims and cyberbullies will be forever paired with this shameful, brutal, and highly publicized incident.

I don’t vilify Mr. K for making the decision he did. He tried civilized means of resolution only to be verbally assaulted himself. Furthermore, he had no way of knowing he would get 7 MILLION views.

And my opinions about Mr. P? Clearly the man has serious substance abuse issues and wrestles with hate. My father taught me it is never OK to kick those who are already wounded. Assert myself, yes, but brutalize back, no. I’d like to think I wouldn’t make Mr. K’s choice myself. But having addiction in my family has taught me the hard way that addicts can provoke the worst from us.

My passionate feelings about this incident have little to do with the parents actually and more to do with the children. These boys are 15 years old! They were at a party showing off for friends harassing girls they didn’t know. They were clearly raised with ignorance and hate and verbal abuse. They were likely taught that this behavior is what men do. And any 10-minute Internet surf session shows us that this revolting behavior is modeled to our kids hundreds of times a day online. These goofball boys’ split-second decision has resulted in the financial ruin and public humiliation of their entire family; a piercing punishment indeed for 30 seconds of poor judgment.

Here is what you and your kids need to know about the Internet:

THE INTERNET HATES

The Internet hates privilege. It hates poverty. It hates women. It hates men. It hates puppies. It hates children. It hates race. It hates culture. It hates anybody and everybody, everywhere and all of the time. The Internet spews all that is inside of us – all that is vile, ugly, and hurtful – all that is loving, beautiful, and nurturing.

And kids get mixed up. They can be TERRIBLE at determining what is funny and what is brutal. Kids need to be taught humanity, generosity, and assertiveness. They need to be taught by those who most love and understand them, their family. They need to fail and succeed, only to fail again before they get it right.

And sadly, some parents are TERRIBLE at parenting. These parents need to be taught humanity, generosity, and assertiveness themselves. So many of us get lost in our jobs, our relationships, our finances, and our addictions. We all sometimes lose our way to some degree or another. We all need support and love and understanding to find our way back. Like our children, we need to fail and succeed, only to fail again before we get it right.

Mr. K is clearly an intelligent and loving man. Was it his responsibility to teach Mr. P? Was it the police officer’s job? Perhaps the school staff should have intervened more effectively.

I don’t know an easy answer to this. But I do know that our kids saw us buy an 86-year-old stranger and his wife their dinner this week for his birthday. We didn’t know him, and we asked that the server not point us out. But what a gift to us to see the old man light up when he was told about the gift. And to our delight, we watched the 20-year-old server love all on him (“He’s a regular!”) and then witness no fewer than six other people from the restaurant come and shake his hand.

Our kids watch us love on our pets, talk kindly to our neighbors, hug and kiss each other, and validate them when they feel hurt, angry, or confused about the actions of others. When they act terribly toward each other or others, we patiently reprimand them, encourage better problem-solving, and reassure them that it’s ok to make mistakes if you learn from them. Anger, frustration, and remorse are normal and must be validated rather than shamed. We make sure they know our values and challenge them to develop opinions of their own. We are not perfect parents, but our kids absolutely know we are there to listen and support them through success and failure.

Please, in the wake of tragic news events like this one, do the world a favor and take the opportunity today to pay a little kindness forward to somebody in your life, stranger or kin. Love and education are how we spread kindness, not public shaming and humiliation. And please, most of all, protect and guide the children, cyberbullies and victims alike. Their prefrontal lobes are not done developing until they are 23 years old! We have to lovingly guide them knowing that perfection is not a reasonable expectation of anybody, especially of impulsive teens.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo credit:
Copy of old pictures 232, by Mighty mighty bigmac, CC by-ND 2.0