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How Parents Balance Privacy and Safety for Kids Online: A WBEZ Morning Shift Conversation

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This morning I was invited to participate in the discussion, “How Parents Balance Privacy and Safety for Kids Online” on NPR WBEZ Morning Shift, Chicago. Host, Jen White, chose this topic based on a conversation she had when her best friend intervened with her 13-year-old son who took it upon himself to defend a peer against an Internet predator. Along with the other expert guest, Susan Tran from Depaul University, we discussed important issues that impact parents and families due to child smartphone use. Here are the highlights from the show, as well as a very personal story about my daughter just this weekend that shook me to my core.

Jen first asked about the challenges parents are facing in today’s digital age. Susan started the conversation saying that parents are concerned about risks like cyberbullying, access to unwanted content, and privacy issues like sharing too much personal information. I added that I’m seeing a spike in anxiety and mood disorders resulting from digital injuries. The danger is real, and parents need to do more, sooner, with better efficacy. Of course, if you are a frequent reader of the GetKidsInternetSafe blog, you are also aware of risks like health issues from screens like distraction from healthy relationships and activities (sleep, exercise, mindful eating), repetitive use injuries, and brain impacts (multitasking, mental brownout, addiction); interpersonal exploitation like cyberbullying, online predators, deceptive relationships (catfishing and hate groups and cults), and the encouragement of dangerous behaviors with pranks, online forums, and sexting; and exploitation for profit by selling violent or sexual content, product marketing, and cybersecurity issues. So many to talk about, so little time!

But there are also benefits. One benefit is the ability to monitor our kids for location and communication, real-time. This provides us with safety but also risks overparenting. In other words, parents can become too intrusive. I compared online access to a child wandering an airport. Of course, parents would want to know who kids were talking to and what they were talking about with strangers at the airport. It would dangerous for them to be wandering around alone, unsupervised. They face the same risks online. I believe we need to monitor most certainly, but we also need to let kids make their own mistakes and expand their independence by building resilience over time. We need to be there, slowly offering more opportunities for growth over time.

Jen stated that, according to a Pew Research report from 2016, about 48 percent of parents go through their kids’ text messages and call histories. Is it ever okay for parents to cyber-spy on their kids? My answer is yes to monitoring, no to spying. It’s difficult to know how to monitor, especially when kids push back with “I deserve my privacy” and “You’re the only mom who does that.” We give in to pester power too often. We don’t trust our gut and give them too much credit as digital natives. The truth is, with their immature brains and not a lot of experience yet, they can’t anticipate consequence and don’t realize how dangerous the world can be. They need us. Susan added that the conversation about child privacy changes with every generation. The key is having strong communication between parents and teens to navigate challenges as they arrive.

Jen’s friend called in and told her story about how she implemented strategies with her son, eloquently explaining the same process I experience with kids and teens in session. That is that kids will actually accept and even welcome reasonable limits, as long as the parent takes the time to explain their justifications and calmly negotiates the details. In fact, parent rules and supervision often calm kids down. Teens in particular often get too confident in their abilities to manage difficult online situations and get in over their heads. Having parent limits in place often provides them with an excuse to not get involved and even ask for help when they need it. This is the very dynamic that keeps kids devoted to therapy. Instead of firing me when I suggest limits, they are actually quite grateful. Setting fair limits is the first step to building an honest, open alliance.

Caller Kyle then expressed that he is totally lost and needs help finding software and apps for filtering and monitoring his kids’ phones. I shared some specific ideas, like setting parental controls on devices and through Internet service providers as well as setting privacy settings. Also buying third party services like Teensafe, Disney’s Circle, and OurPact can help. But the bottom line is, once your kids are instant messaging on social media platforms like Instagram and Snapchat, there is no third party software that monitors them. Instead, all you can do is collect usernames and passwords and check their phones regularly. Look out for secret profiles, as many kids have several in one platform (e.g., private and ultraprivate accounts on Instagram). Asking them to dock their screens at night, in your room to avoid sneaking, offers a regular opportunity to spot check. Please be honest about it. You don’t want to violate their trust. Besides, it gets them into the habit of realizing that other adults will see their posts and texts too, like other parents and school administrators. They may think before they post more if they see this as a possibility. If you want to monitor everything on smartphones, don’t allow social media.

As an illustration that it takes lots of tools and teamwork to keep our kids safe. I shared an incident that just happened to our family yesterday. We were at a volleyball tournament in Vegas with my 15-year-old daughter. When she was stretching and warming up with her team, a man snapped her photo without permission. The girls were aware enough (awesome) that my daughter’s teammate told the team mom. The team mom courageously approached the man and required that he delete the photo from his phone and in the deleted photos file as well. She also assured my daughter that she did nothing wrong. She had great concern that she would feel humiliation or blame and took efforts to reassure her. We were very grateful, wondering if he was a clueless grandpa like he said, or one of the 1:100 men out there that was a pedophile. Three hours later this same man was courtside with a telephoto lense during a game. We called security and asked him to stop taking photos of the girls. He apologized with suspicious insincerity and refused to wait for security. Security ultimately came and escorted him out for investigation, assuring us they have handled many cases like this before. Disturbing, yes. I was literally shaking I was so angry. It took awareness and trust for the girls and parents to work together for protection. For that I was proud and grateful. Another caller on the show reminded us to always keep digital evidence (videos, screenshots, and text strings) for law enforcement investigations.

How do we get past teen hesitation to talk to adults? Parents must get empowered and digitally literate by reading articles like those offered on the GetKidsInternetSafe blog. Around the dinner table (with devices in the basket), tell stories and ask their opinions. They will tell you stories in response. Viola! The cooperative dialogue has begun. Bidirectional learning overtime strengthens relationships and creates lots of learning opportunities.

When should kids get a smartphone? Susan said it’s different for every family, but be sure to be gradual. Start with a phone that’s not connected to the Internet. I added that parents are slipping. We need to get tougher. Don’t allow kids smartphones until after they’ve earned good grades the first semester of middle school. This will require gradual evidence of the judgement and initiative they need to manage a very powerful communication tool. For some kids, even middle school is too soon.

We ended with caller, Lucy, reminding us that parents need to model limits and set the example. Show kids that they are the priority, not screens. Set the message young that face-to-face interaction and nonvirtual relationships are the priority.

Thank you to WBEZ Morning Shift for such an important conversation to build closer relationships and safer screen use! To listen to the whole radio segment, CLICK HERE

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Yes, Your Kids Can Buy Drugs Online

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The United States is in an opioid crisis. No longer are illegal drugs like heroin, or its synthetic, more powerful cousin Fentanyl, only used by inner city addicts and rock stars like Michael Jackson and Tom Petty. Thanks to chronic pain and an overuse of prescription painkillers, Americans from all walks of life are addicted and turning to cheaper and illegal options on the street and online. After two thirteen-year-olds overdosed on fentanyl recently in Utah, the US sought its first indictment of Chinese drug traffickers.

The Opioid Crisis in Perspective

Highly addictive opioids include legally-available prescription pain medicine like Percoset and Oxycontin, as well as the more powerful, illegal drugs heroin and fentanyl. Opioids impact the brain stem, which regulates life-supportive functions like heart rate and breathing. There is little difference between the amount of the drug necessary to get high and the amount that results in overdose. As a result, overdose is common and results from gradual asphyxiation due to suppression of breathing. There has been a seven-fold increase in US overdose from opioids since 1999. In 2014, there were 30,000 opioid related deaths in America. By 2015 that number had increased to 55,000, rising to a staggering 64,000 in 2016. This is almost eight times more American deaths than the post-9/11 wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. 

What is fentanyl?                                        

Fentanyl is an extremely powerful opioid that was responsible for the death of Prince and, more recently, Tom Petty. It is far more addictive than heroin. It induces euphoria and relaxation by affecting the areas of the brain that regulate emotions and pain. Up to 100 times stronger than morphine and 50 times stronger than heroin, just coming into skin contact can result in overdose. It can be taken as a tablet, lozenge, lollipop, transdermal patch, nasal spray, powder that can be smoked, or injected. Although available by prescription, fentanyl is also being made in illegal labs in Mexico. Raw materials are commonly smuggled in from China.

Fentanyl is commonly diluted with other substances like heroin, rat poison, or baking soda for increased profit, thus purity varies from batch to batch. Fentanyl has experienced a growing popularity among heroin users who crave more purity. Only two milligrams of fentanyl (the size of four grains of salt) is enough to kill an average adult.

What is online drug trafficking?

People not only buy drugs on the street, they also buy it on the dark net. The dark net is a hidden underground network where sellers and buyers can evade law enforcement with anonymity and clever encryption. They pay with digital currency, called bitcoin, and the drugs are delivered in their mailbox.

  • There are currently over 20,000 listings for opioids and more than 4,000 for fentanyl being sold on just one of the leading dark net drug markets.

  • From 2004 – 2010, emergency room visits resulting from prescription opioid abuse in children younger than 20 years old rose by 45%.

  • In 2015, 55% of people who died from an overdose of fentanyl additionally tested positive for heroin or cocaine, compared to 42% between 2013 and 2014.

  • A supervised injection site in Canada found that 90% of the heroin used there tested positive for fentanyl. Drug users have become more tolerant to stronger substances, reinforcing demand and raising death rates.

Two Utah Teens Overdose

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grant Seaver and Ryan Ainsworth were 13-year-old best friends from Park City, Utah. They overdosed after older local teens ordered fentanyl from the Internet, also called U-47700, “pink,” or “pinky.” Investigators uncovered conversations about the drug through their social media accounts.

Grant’s father spoke out after the devastating incident saying, “It’s unimaginable that Grant could gain access to a drug like Pinky so easily and be gone so quickly, poof. The pain and brutality of this tragedy is crippling.” A 15-year-old teenager from their community has been identified and charged with distribution of a controlled substance and reckless endangerment in connection with the deaths of Grant and Ryan.

Chinese Drug Traffickers Charged with Criminal Indictments

In a precedent-setting move, the U.S. Justice Department held a press conference stating that two major Chinese drug traffickers have been identified and are up for indictment. The two men identified are Xiabing Yan, 40 and Jian Zhang, 38. Tracing the whereabouts and identifying men like Yan and Zhang is challenging because, like most online drug traffickers, they use multiple identities to conceal their activities, shipments, and profits. They take advantage of the fact that the fentanyl molecule can be distorted in a multitude of ways to create an analogue that is not listed as illegal under US and Chinese law. When regulators are able to identify the new drug and illegalize it, the manufacturers swiftly switch to a new unlisted fentanyl analogue.

The U.S. and China have no formal extradition treaty, thus getting the men here is difficult. Yan was previously charged in a Mississippi federal court with producing and selling illicit substances. The case was brought about by a routine traffic stop, which resulted in the unearthing of a “domestic drug ring that sold various synthetic cannabinoids, called “spice” or “bath salts.” According to Rosenstein, federal authorities “identified more than 100 distributors of synthetic opioids involved with Yan’s manufacturing and distribution networks.”

What You Can Do to Protect Your Kids from Online Drug Sales:

  • Educate: There are many educational programs such as Teen Challenge of California that provide youth with knowledge and skills to help them avoid drug misuse and abuse. Research what programs are available in your area and get your teen Volunteer opportunities can be a great addition to college or job applications.

  • Talk to your children about drugs: Teens who have talked to their parents about drug abuse are half as likely to abuse them as those who do not. Make sure they understand that prescription drugs are not considered safer than any other drug. Be accurate about benefits and dangers. Discuss reasons people choose or are tempted to abuse drugs and offer healthy alternatives.

  • Get specific about fentanyl: Do not leave out the details, be specific about the drug fentanyl and its associated risks. Let them know that it’s being sold as counterfeit OxyContin, Xanax, and other prescription drugs.

  • Set a good example: If you’re using prescription drugs, do so responsibly and explain the purpose for your prescription(s), as well as the risks.

  • Don’t keep your prescriptions easily accessible:

  • Be proactive: Ask your children questions. Know who their friends are, where your child is going, and what kind of activities they are participating in. Ask specifics like, if they have ever been around any drug use. Show sincere interest without being judgmental or overly protective.

  • Keep your teen active: Facilitate hobbies and extracurricular activities for your child that interests them and keeps them engaged.

  • Get them treatment sooner than later if needed & have all member of your family participate in the process.

Our hearts ache for the families of the victims. Dr. Bennett attended Tom Petty’s last concert and is still heartbroken over his death. We need to do better!

Thank you to CSUCI Intern, Katherine Bryan for informing parents about online drug trafficking and the threat it poses to young people. For those who are not familiar with the dark net or the underground drug trafficking site called the Silk Road, please read our previous article, GKIS Sheds Light on the Dark Net: Drug Traffickers, Child Pornographers and Nude Selfies.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

Deputy Attorney General Rod J. Rosenstein Delivers Remarks on Enforcement Actions to Stop Deadly Fentanyl and Other Opiate Substances from Entering the United States.

Fentanyl, Teens, and the Deadly Consequences by Brittany Tackett, MA.

Increases in Drug and Opioid Overdose Deaths in the US from 2000-2014— CDC Report United States, 2000–2014 by Rose A. Rudd, MSPH, Noah Aleshire, JD, Jon E. Zibbell, PhD and R. Matthew Gladden, PhD.

Opioid Dealers Embrace the Dark Web to Send Deadly Drugs by Mail by Nathaniel Popper.

Photo Credits

Photo by The Oily Guru on Flckr.

The Google Effect. Because Memorizing is So Yesterday

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child using google

Do you suffer from digital amnesia? How many phone numbers can you recite offhand? Can you name three movies that are out? Does anybody have paper maps in their cars anymore? Most of us, particularly the digital natives, Google to search out random facts and figures rather than relying on memory. Researchers call this the Google effect, meaning that fewer of us bother to memorize things if we believe they are online.

Google was introduced to the Internet in 1998. It is a search engine that calculates and ranks the web pages that receive the most attention. Google not only serves up delicious content, but it also determines what we see first on our search list. Google works to filter out useless, scam-like, or explicit information and images from our search list.

Websites that rank the highest load quickly, do not use flashy animation, and have a coherent list of relevant search terms. Google weeds through the bad web pages to provide us with the best, which makes the scary world of the Internet a lot safer and easier to navigate. Google provides users with convenience, comfort, and trust.

What is the Google effect?

As Albert Einstein said, “Never memorize what you can look up in books.” Did I remember this line? No, I opened my Google Chrome web browser, proceeded to Google.com, and searched “famous quotes about memory.” We are moving to a future of memory decline and an over-reliance on technology that’s always at our fingertips.

Dr. Maria Wimber, Professor at the University of Birmingham’s School of Psychology, said the Google effect “makes us good at remembering where to find a given bit of information but not necessarily what the information was. It is likely to be true that we don’t attempt to store information in our memory to the same degree that we used to because we know the Internet knows everything.”

Betsy Sparrow from Columbia University explained, “Our brains rely on the Internet for memory in much the same way they rely on the memory of a friend, family member, or co-worker. We remember less through knowing information itself than by knowing where the information can be found.” We are more likely to commit keywords to memory than the facts they lead us to.

toddlers using a smartphone

How powerful is the Google effect?

It’s been estimated that 90% of us have undergone digital amnesia. Over 70% of parents have not memorized their children’s phone numbers.[3] We are even less likely to remember an experience if we snapped a photo of it.

In her study, Dr. Maria Wimber assigned one group to go around the museum taking pictures, while the other group was told not to take pictures and just to enjoy the experience. Those who took pictures were found to remember significantly fewer details than those who did not use their smartphone.[3] Dr. Wimber elaborated, “One could speculate that this extends to personal memories, as constantly looking at the world through the lens of our smartphone camera may result in us trusting our smartphones to store our memories for us. This way, we pay less attention to life itself and become worse at remembering events from our own lives.”

As a millennial accustomed to heavy smartphone use, I would go as far as to say we rely on the “likes” from our social media posts to determine the worth of an event. If we get lots of likes, we must have had a great time; fewer likes and it was a bust.

Is the Google effect bettering us for the future?

Anthropologist Genevieve Bell thinks that the Google effect is not as detrimental as others think. She reports that technology “helps us live smarter.” Creating good search words is how knowledge is conforming to the technological future. There is such a thing as a good or bad question. If you type in a random mess of words into Google’s search bar, it’s likely you won’t find an answer that fits your needs. But being able to write a short, competent question that produces a concrete answer is a form of intelligence.

Bell gave an example of new parents worried that their child is not sleeping well. Her theory is that a smart parent would be able to comprise all the symptoms into a great Google search, while others might rely on others’ feedback. Google can find legitimate websites to back up the diagnosis of the child, while feedback from friends is just a matter of opinion.

baby sitting at laptop

What can you do to optimize Google’s benefits and minimize the risks?

  • Decide if you’re pro-integrated technology or if the commitment to technology has a negative impact on our future.

  • Emphasize to your kids that worth is more than skin deep. Provide opportunities for intellectual, spiritual, and character growth. Value substance.

  • Be a good role model. Watch your GTS ratio.

  • Educate your children about the risks and benefits of trusting the Internet.

  • Monitor and limit how often your teens use the Internet when studying with screen time management apps. Encourage them to build the scaffolding for memory with less reliance on Google.

  • Teach how to balance healthy and fun activities like interacting often with family members face-to-face, riding bikes, or reading books.

Wendy Goolsby, CSUCI Intern Thanks, Wendy Goolsby, CSUCI Intern, for this great article about Google’s effect on our learning. It is because of these factors that I have changed my teaching style at CSUCI. No longer do I give in-class exams that cover several factors at once. I found that my students just procrastinated and crammed, which didn’t lead to quality learning. Now I offer an online timed multiple-choice quiz after each lecture.  They are telling me that this forces them to keep current and they’re remembering and applying material better. Even we digital immigrants must adapt. 🙂 For more parenting support on educating about the effects of the Internet, check out the GKIS article Youtube Beauty Gurus Suck Money and Teen Confidence.

Works Cited

[1]Albert Einstein Quote

[2]The Googlization of Everything (And Why We Should Worry)

[3]Google Effect: Is Technology Making Us Stupid?

Photo Credits

Andrew Lines, CC BY 2.0

Courtney Warren, CC BY 2.0

Baby boy using a laptop computer, CC BY 2.0

You Spied and Caught Your Teen Sexting, Now What?

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  teen couple

Parents often sneak onto their teen’s phone and see something explicit, upsetting, or dangerous. Then they’re in the hard spot of telling their teen they were spying without permission and intervening appropriately. I believe screen monitoring is necessary with young, impulsive teens, but I also believe parents should tell their kids they are monitoring and filtering. It provides practice for thinking before posting, demonstrates that other parents and adults are also viewing, and reveals a willingness to work together about online choices. Security and parenting experts have disagreed with me, saying that if a parent reveals intent they will miss out on secret plans and sneaky behaviors. The controversy is real.

A GKIS subscriber asked what do when she saw inappropriate content on her teen’s phone after secretly monitoring. Here’s my response:

Parent honesty is important, because we lose credibility if we punish for sneaking and lying while we are sneaking and lying. The trust was breached when you saw that content without discussing the rules ahead of time. If not handled delicately, this could damage your relationship. For that reason, I suggest you put your ego at the door and get out a knife and fork, because you are going to have to eat crow and apologize. Where is it written that parents can’t make mistakes? Let’s face it. We are new at parenting teens just as kids are new at being teens. This adds up to a rocky road of successes, failures, stops, and starts.

First, schedule a time to have a private discussion with your teen when you will not be interrupted. Tell him the truth. Admit that you were concerned, and you screwed up. In hindsight you realized you should have had more safety parameters in place before you got to this point, and you should have told him that his screen use would be monitored. Express your concerns while validating that his loving and sexual feelings towards his girlfriend are normal and natural (assuming there were no safety or legal violations here). Explain your philosophy about what you think is appropriate regarding intimacy and relationships at his age. Assure him that you will keep his confidence. Don’t go telling grandma and Aunt Linda about the intimate details you uncovered. Let him know that these are his facts to share if he chooses to, not yours.

Second, ask him what suggestions he has to resolve the very real conflict of privacy versus safety. Actively negotiate screen safety parameters. Some of my GKIS Staging Tips apply, such as no screens in bedrooms, bathrooms, or behind closed doors and GKIS blackout times to optimize judgment and supervision. Also, consider if monitoring and filtering programs and apps apply in this situation. Keep in mind it is best not to tell him which specific programs you will be implementing. If your son is a young teen, then monitor more closely. If he is older, you may just want to set a lighter monitoring option. Most importantly, let him know what you plan and why. And absolutely consider his input. By the time he’s an adult, he should be mostly on his own off-screen and on.

Finally, plan relationship-building opportunities with your son to repair the damage done. Perhaps this means getting to know his girlfriend better so they understand that he has a family to take into consideration when it comes to friendship and love. Of course, they deserve privacy, but you may choose to set stricter limits for now. Keep in mind that not every mistake requires traditional discipline, like taking screens away. The humiliation of you reading his texts and the face-to-face conversation about it is probably consequence enough. The truth is, his best resource for keeping intimate relationships healthy is the support and competition for his time from his friends. He needs his friends right now.

Cheers to you for reaching out for help. Teen-parent negotiations can be difficult. To learn more answers to parent questions, get my book Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe. If you like what you read, please leave an Amazon review. <3

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo Credits

Photo by Morgan Sessions on Unsplash

Teens Intimidate and Parents Slack: How to Stop the Guilt

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Teen Resisting a Limit on Screentime Parents know that screen use carries risk, whether it’s sleep deprivation, texting while driving, online sexuality and aggression, or addiction. But what can we do about it? Pandora’s box has been opened. Yes, there are powerful parenting strategies that should be happening to limit risk, but who wants to deal with toxic teen fallout? Tweens and teens can put up a fight and workaround most rules anyway. And what if you have been monitoring on the sly and see something alarming, then what? If they find out you’ve been spying, it will damage an already difficult relationship. What can parents do to kick in and do a better job without starting World War III?

I work with teens every day in practice and have two at home. I agree they can be pretty scary. But I also know that without us, they’re capable of getting into real danger. There are sensible techniques you can use to implement real change without damaging your relationship. Believe it or not, teens even welcome limits sometimes, as long as they’re justified and introduced with a sincere offer for respectful negotiation. If that wasn’t the case, I’d be getting fired by session three most of the time by my teen clients. Instead, I often have to push them to graduate from therapy. Like us, they love fun connection and will accept adult influence more than you think.

Here are some parenting hacks for managing screen use even with the most independent teens:

DON’T AMBUSH

Sprinkle in your intent and justification over time rather than in one aggressive attack. Intervention doesn’t have to happen all at once (even though you may be anxious to get it over with). Introduce your ideas over time to give teens a chance to digest the information. Start with a discussion, then a meeting, then the implementation in doable steps. It’s unlikely you’ll ever get their full buy-in, but gradual tweaks will be accepted far better than a hostile takeover. For example, rather than take away Instagram due to a transgression, talk to them with warmth and acceptance acknowledging that ALL teens make mistakes online. No big deal. Just fix this one and maybe pare back to Dunbar’s number on their friends list. This is the number of friends our brains seem to have slots for, 150. By paring back, they reduce risk and still get to keep connecting with friends. All-or-nothing interventions can drive a wedge, but gradual and reasonable tweaks provide learning opportunity and you get cred for being reasonable.

PREPARE FOR PUSH-BACK

When I work with families, I often start with coping skills long before I suggest parenting strategies. Listening, assertiveness, negotiation, and relaxation skills are key. It also helps if you are prepared. These push-back possibilities are offered so you won’t be surprised when they arise and will stay calm and strategic and avoid getting pulled in and manipulated. If it gets too heated, walk away (eyes off the behavior you don’t want) and return to the issue another time (eyes on the behavior you want). Most important, don’t let them see you sweat. Maintain your credibility with calm authority.

Teenager Pushing Back About Screentime Limit Typical teen push-backs:

Act like they don’t care with plans to sneak later

 Justify, lie, or make excuses

“I didn’t do it”

 “Everybody does it”

 “My teacher says I have to”

“You don’t know what it’s like now [I know everything about everything]””

Deflect and distract

By triggering you with real-time bad behavior, you may forget to follow through (“Look squirrel!”). I call this “throwing a fireball into the room.” While the parent is running around putting out fires, the issue at hand gets lost and the kid wins. Fireballs can be:

Eye-rolling

Talking back or cussing

Pulling out a list of grievances with absolutes (“You never let me” “This always happens”)

Tantrum

Name calling (“You suck”)

Self-deprecation (“I’m a terrible kid”)

Emotional extortion: Threaten to hurt you or themselves

Physically aggress (throwing, slamming, hitting)

Defy you and do it anyway

LISTEN AND VALIDATE

Although maddening, it’s healthy for teens to push back and manipulate. You want your kids to test things out on you, their safe person. Don’t take oppositionality personally. Manipulative kids are simply smart, strategic kids. Your job isn’t to squash their spirits, it’s to manage it and coach them to success.

For kids to engage in a discussion, you’ll need to listen as much as you talk. Lectures turn them off immediately. No engagement means you’ve lost any hope of influence. Once your child has responded and you’ve confirmed that you understand their position (whether you disagree with it or not, their position is legitimate), firmly state your intent to establish sensible rules. Remember that screen use is their lifeline to learning and socialization. Compulsive screen use happens, because it has real meaning and benefit. If you tell them to “turn it off,” they get anxious. Anxious kids are the most defiant, because they will endure almost anything to avoid the feelings from anxious rebound. Making a non-negotiable announcement will make for hard-going later and interfere with the opportunity for teens to take accountability for positive change. There’s big payoff for giving in a little rather than demanding full obedience. Modeling, mentorship, and teamwork are keys to success.

NEGOTIATE THE RULES

How does one negotiate without losing authority? Let’s take the example of trying to get your child off their phone during homework time, called multitasking. First, keep in mind this is not a black and white issue. Sometimes multitasking contributes to learning, other times it interferes.

Multitasking is beneficial when generating ideas, acculturating oneself to vocabulary and ideas around a particular topic, identifying experts and networking with community, enriching understanding using multimodal formats (reading, listening, viewing video), and when browsing for entertainment. Multitasking activities that have performance costs include screen activities that interrupt demanding cognitive learning tasks like reading, homework, or studying. Perhaps pulling back on bad habits rather than eradicating them entirely is a good start for now. For best success, outline goals, commit to honest learning objectives, and download time management and tracking apps. Let them try out their ideas, then swing around later to discuss outcome. Tweak, repeat.

There you have it, a plan! Remember to set an expectation for success and prepare for follow-through. If you capitulate to teen freak outs, it will be far harder next time because you’ve taught them you’ll cave in the face of tantrums. If you follow through, they’ll eventually respect your authority. Staying firm, consistent, and emotionally neutral is also important. You’re empowered and so are they. Small consequences (one night when devices are docked early) are usually just as impactful as big ones (taking their phone for a week), and you are less likely to cave because it’s doable. Don’t forget to remind them that you will lighten up as they get close to graduating. High school seniors need more independence to build resilience and prep them for success in college.

Check out my article, You Spied and Caught Your Teen Sexting, Now What? for more parenting advice about screens and teens. If these tips are useful, find more in my book Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe. If you like what you read, please leave an Amazon review. <3

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo Credits

Photo by Adrian Sava on Unsplash

Photo by  Timothy Eberly Unsplash

Virtual Kidnapping, A Parent’s Worst Nightmare. How to Protect Yourself and Your Family.

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Virtual kidnapping scams are on the rise and, since it is difficult to identify the perpetrator, they are unlikely to go away. Last week a Facebook friend posted about a terrifying telephone scam. She encouraged me to share her story. Be warned, it’s really upsetting, and it’s a true story! It’s worth the read so you won’t fall emotional and financial victim to scammers, phishers, and extortionists.

“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! He’s got me! He’s got me!”

A mother’s WORST NIGHTMARE, and it happened to me Saturday morning.

I was at home working in my office when my cell phone rang. I picked it up and heard a girl screaming and crying, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! He’s got me! He’s got me!” Then a male voice saying, “Shut the f__ up b___!” The girl’s voice sounded like my daughter who is living away for graduate school.

The world beneath me fell away. I can’t tell you the fear I felt. This VILE man spoke to me in a thick accent telling me what he is going to do to her, and after he’s finished with her he will send her home to me in pieces if I don’t give him money right now.

I kept talking to him on speaker while dialing 911. The dispatcher said, “Stay on the phone, police have been dispatched.” Within minutes a special crime unit arrived.

For the next twenty minutes, I spoke to the “kidnapper” while the police coached my questions and traced the call. I demanded he put her on the phone and text me her picture. He continued to threaten terrible things. Meanwhile, our calls to my daughter went to voicemail, so they sent Arizona police her work.

My husband and other daughter could see my texts, CALL HOME NOW!!!! URGENT!!! and were freaking out. Neighbors told them the police were everywhere, and they couldn’t get through.

Finally she texted after the police located her at work. They checked her apartment and verified it was safe. I broke down crying.

I don’t want ANYONE, EVER to go through what we did!  The fear and possible reality were there for me for what seemed like hours! All I have thought about ALL weekend is “These VILE people are putting someone else through this!” Please share this story about the new horrible scam out there.

Source of the Theft

A few days after my friend posted this story, I followed up with her. She informed me that another family from the same university was scammed by the same man minutes after he hung up on her. They were about to wire $7000 before they were able to contact their daughter. This incident made her wonder if the information was gathered from hacked university data. A few weeks later, another Facebook friend posted this one:

Today my parents got a phone call from someone pretending to be my son. He told my dad that he went to the store to get cold medicine with a friend from school who was driving, they got pulled over, and his friend had pot in the car, so he was arrested and now was in jail. He begged my dad not to tell “my mom.”

My dad asked a few questions and was thinking it may be a scam, but he said the person on the phone sounded young, so he wasn’t quite sure. After a few questions, the kid hung up. We’re pretty sure that he would have asked for money to wire or something. My son is safe at school (I checked). But wanted to pass this on to you guys. Maybe this scam has been going around? Obviously, they are targeting older people, and I can see some people falling for it. My dad is pretty sharp, and it still tricked him at first.

Other Scams to Look Out For

Other types of extortion scams involve the perpetrator posing as the IRS or a crime cartel framing you for a false crime that will result in a suspension of your bank accounts, criminal charges, or a threat to you or your family’s safety if you do not send money. For instance, there have been reports of victims on vacation receiving a call in their hotel room stating that they are being targeted by a drug cartel and should turn off their phones to remain safe. While the victim is out of communication, the virtual kidnappers demand money from friends and family.

Another type of scam involves ransomware, which is a virus that infects your computer and encrypts the data. The scammer sends a message threatening to keep your hijacked computer data unless a ransom is received.

To avoid this kind of virus:

  • learn how to identify typical phishing strategies,
  • do not click on unknown email links or websites,
  • install premium security software, and
  • keep your software updated.
  • It is also important to backup computer data on a secure cloud-based backup service with revision history. Even legitimate websites can be hacked to spread malware, so awareness and preparation are key.

Here are GetKidsInternetSafe tips to avoid being a victim of virtual kidnapping:

  • Stay up to date about the scams popular in your area.
  • Set your social media profiles to private and avoid giving out personal information. Teach your kids to do the same with GetKidsInternetSafe techniques.
  • Occasionally cleanse your social media profile of photos. A backlog of photos tells a detailed blueprint of your family’s activities and personalities. When viewed by a perpetrator, those details can be used against you.
  • Keep your telephone landline.
  • Download GPS location-sharing apps to family member phones, such as Find My iPhone, Find Friends, or Life360.
  • Create an emergency plan, which includes a list sharing of names and phone numbers of workplace landlines, friends, and extended family. Create and include family nicknames to use in case of a need for emergency telephone identification.
  • If you get a suspicious call, assess its authenticity. For example, if the call is not from the victim’s telephone and they want you to stay on the phone until the money is delivered, be suspect.
  • If they are on the victim’s phone, recognize that the phone may have been hacked and forwarded to another phone or lost or stolen. Just because the number shows up as your child’s phone doesn’t necessarily mean the scammer has possession of the phone or the phone’s owner.
  • Recognize that scammers often ask for money to be wired through services like Western Union or online currency like Bitcoin, as these methods of payment are untraceable.
  • Stay calm, slow the caller down, and do not share any personal information. Ask them to answer a question only the victim would know. Don’t challenge or argue with the caller. Buy time by saying you are writing down the demand and need time to comply.
  • Use another device to call the police while on the phone.
  • Ask questions and, if feasible, demand a call from the victim’s phone or a picture of the victim.
  • Get to a safe place as soon as possible.

These tips do not constitute legal advice from GetKidsInternetSafe. Although many of these suggestions are offered by the Federal Bureau of Investigation website, recognize that nothing outweighs your instincts. Err on the side of caution and seek expert help from your local police department or the FBI.

Worried about child identity theft? Check out this GKIS article to learn how to protect your child’s financial security. To learn about other scams effecting the elderly, read Scammers Target the Elderly: How to Avoid Being Scammed.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

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