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YouTube Shaming Doesn’t Rehab the Cyberbully, But Kindness and Education Just Might

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BLOGBC9cyberbullydad

Did you see the YouTube video of the Minnesota dad defending his 14-year-old Black-American daughter from racist Snapchat cyberbullies? It went viral and gained over 7 million views! Instead of standing by, he took matters into his own hands. Read today’s GKIS article and see if you agree with the way he handled it. Also, find out what we at GKIS think the internet hates.

How a Dad Defended his Daughter Against Cyberbullies

Bradley K’s daughter and her friend were sending Snapchat selfies to friends when freshman twin boys viewed them at a party and responded with racist, sexist giggling comments. She showed her parents who were horrified and recorded the snaps. They then tried to contact the boys’ parents on several occasions, even knocking on their door.

When the boys’ parents didn’t respond, Mr. K went to the police. The police investigated and shared Deron P’s (the dad of the boys) cell number with Bradley K. Mr. K left a message for the boys’ parents, only to receive a series of verbally abusive responses. Mr. K was furious and threatened to post the voicemails on YouTube. Mr. P reportedly replied, “I don’t care.”

So, Mr. K posted them.

The Fallout

After the publication of the YouTube naming Mr. P and the high school his boys attend, news reports stated that Mr. P lost his job and was admitted for detox from prescription pills and alcohol. The P family also released the following statement:

“The P family is not racist, nor do we use the “N” word lightly in our household. What happened was very unfortunate for both families, and we hope each family can heal and move on from this. There is no excuse for how Deron P acted, and nothing can take back the words he said to Brad K.”

Isn’t this dad bullying back?

Due to my experiences as a mother, clinical psychologist, and professor at CSUCI, I created GetKidsInternetSafe to support kids and parents in exactly this kind of situation, which are increasingly epidemic in our unregulated online culture. As a result of my expertise, people come to me for my specialized GKIS parenting programs and informational support. In this capacity, I received an email from a good friend with this news report asking what I thought of Bradley K’s posting. She said, “Isn’t this dad bullying back?”

Upon watching the video my heart goes out to Bradley and his daughter. He is clearly hurt and angry and has every reason to be. I’m a mother and I know the almost-crippling rage that burns when somebody hurts my child. I TOTALLY GET IT.

And the racist and sexist verbal abuse that this beautiful teenage girl had to endure…my thoughts play like a slide show of the hundreds of cyberbully stories I have helped young people process in my clinical office. I ache with empathy for the pain kids experience at the hands of their impulsive peers; pain that becomes woven into the tapestry of how they view themselves, their bodies, and their very identities. Like Mr. K, I am angry at the permanent damage that is being inflicted on our kids over screen media.

But here’s the kicker; I also treat the cyberbullies. In fact, more times than not, the victims have retaliated or acted badly on social media themselves. Victims often respond by perpetrating back or passing the abuse to another peer. And so on, and so on, and so on. Each child becomes a desensitized and sometimes monstrous participant, usually under parents’ noses.

What do you think of Mr. K’s choice to publicly air this incident?

He stated his intent for the Ps to “own” their racism. Considering the content of the statement released by the P family, that ownership simply did not happen. The children involved are now held up for public scrutiny for the public to debate this very real, very painful, and very common issue. The victims and cyberbullies will be forever paired with this shameful, brutal, and highly publicized incident.

I don’t vilify Mr. K for making the decision he did. He tried civilized means of resolution only to be verbally assaulted himself. Furthermore, he had no way of knowing he would get 7 MILLION views.

And my opinions about Mr. P? Clearly the man has serious substance abuse issues and wrestles with hate. My father taught me it is never OK to kick those who are already wounded. Assert myself, yes, but brutalize back, no. I’d like to think I wouldn’t make Mr. K’s choice myself. But having addiction in my family has taught me the hard way that addicts can provoke the worst from us.

My passionate feelings about this incident have little to do with the parents actually and more to do with the children. These boys are 15 years old! They were at a party showing off for friends harassing girls they didn’t know. They were clearly raised with ignorance and hate and verbal abuse. They were likely taught that this behavior is what men do. And any 10-minute Internet surf session shows us that this revolting behavior is modeled to our kids hundreds of times a day online. These goofball boys’ split-second decision has resulted in the financial ruin and public humiliation of their entire family; a piercing punishment indeed for 30 seconds of poor judgment.

Here is what you and your kids need to know about the Internet:

THE INTERNET HATES

The Internet hates privilege. It hates poverty. It hates women. It hates men. It hates puppies. It hates children. It hates race. It hates culture. It hates anybody and everybody, everywhere and all of the time. The Internet spews all that is inside of us – all that is vile, ugly, and hurtful – all that is loving, beautiful, and nurturing.

And kids get mixed up. They can be TERRIBLE at determining what is funny and what is brutal. Kids need to be taught humanity, generosity, and assertiveness. They need to be taught by those who most love and understand them, their family. They need to fail and succeed, only to fail again before they get it right.

And sadly, some parents are TERRIBLE at parenting. These parents need to be taught humanity, generosity, and assertiveness themselves. So many of us get lost in our jobs, our relationships, our finances, and our addictions. We all sometimes lose our way to some degree or another. We all need support and love and understanding to find our way back. Like our children, we need to fail and succeed, only to fail again before we get it right.

Mr. K is clearly an intelligent and loving man. Was it his responsibility to teach Mr. P? Was it the police officer’s job? Perhaps the school staff should have intervened more effectively.

I don’t know an easy answer to this. But I do know that our kids saw us buy an 86-year-old stranger and his wife their dinner this week for his birthday. We didn’t know him, and we asked that the server not point us out. But what a gift to us to see the old man light up when he was told about the gift. And to our delight, we watched the 20-year-old server love all on him (“He’s a regular!”) and then witness no fewer than six other people from the restaurant come and shake his hand.

Our kids watch us love on our pets, talk kindly to our neighbors, hug and kiss each other, and validate them when they feel hurt, angry, or confused about the actions of others. When they act terribly toward each other or others, we patiently reprimand them, encourage better problem-solving, and reassure them that it’s ok to make mistakes if you learn from them. Anger, frustration, and remorse are normal and must be validated rather than shamed. We make sure they know our values and challenge them to develop opinions of their own. We are not perfect parents, but our kids absolutely know we are there to listen and support them through success and failure.

Please, in the wake of tragic news events like this one, do the world a favor and take the opportunity today to pay a little kindness forward to somebody in your life, stranger or kin. Love and education are how we spread kindness, not public shaming and humiliation. And please, most of all, protect and guide the children, cyberbullies and victims alike. Their prefrontal lobes are not done developing until they are 23 years old! We have to lovingly guide them knowing that perfection is not a reasonable expectation of anybody, especially of impulsive teens.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo credit:
Copy of old pictures 232, by Mighty mighty bigmac, CC by-ND 2.0

Did Your Baby Take His First Digital Footprint Before He Started Crawling? 9 GKIS Social Media Tips For Young Parents

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I just shared a post about face recognition technology that might have freaked you out a little. Maybe it got you wondering about your child’s digital footprint and if you want to be the one to start it?

Although some parents are concerned enough to not post ANY child pictures online, it is an unrealistic expectation for most families. The benefits of sharing your little one’s firsts with friends and family is just too awesome to pass up. Perhaps some thoughtful consideration prior to making social media decisions is a good starting point. Ultimately each family must determine online privacy rules of their own, and then communicate it to friends and family.

Here are some sensible GKIS tips on how to protect your child’s privacy online:

  1. Set your privacy settings to friends-only or tighter on any social media site where you’re posting child images.

     

  2. Don’t use your child’s image for social media profile pictures or cover photos. These are public regardless of your privacy settings.

     

  3. Only post your child’s online pictures with a nickname (e.g., “the boy” or “Teeny Tiny”).

     

  4. Never post nude shots or embarrassing activities. Consider how your child will feel about the image if it were shown at a middle school assembly when she is twelve years old.

     

  5. Be aware that face recognition technology can be used with even side profile pictures.

     

  6. Always ask permission from other parents before posting pictures of their children, like from parties or play-dates.

     

  7. Don’t use your child’s pictures for professional marketing purposes.

     

  8. Don’t give permission for schools and camps to use your child’s images for marketing purposes.

     

  9. Create a Google Alert with your child’s name so you’ll be alerted of an online mention.

     

For a vast majority of parents this ship has already sailed. However, online decisions should not be flip and uniformed. Finally don’t forget that friends and family can also tag or forward your posted images, so once posted the image will no longer be under your control. Please comment below and let me know what you think about the risk of digital footprints.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

“New” Pot and Why It’s Dangerous for Teens

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Teenager Offering Pot to Smoke Originally published by The Good Men Project

Is your child smoking pot? I hope not, but parents are the last to know. Within the last five years, kids are smoking pot sooner and at higher rates. As marijuana becomes increasingly available (and legal), kids perceive the drug to be less risky. With the increasing potency of this addictive drug, marijuana poses a significant risk to the developing brain. Educate your kids now before they try their first pot brownie. That means a heart-to-heart talk with the facts BEFORE middle school!

Marijuana use is UP and smokers are starting younger.

Just as I’m hearing in my suburban psychology practice, five-year trends reflect increasing marijuana use among tenth through twelfth graders, with kids starting to smoke at younger ages than ever before. We haven’t reached the peak use rates of the 1970s, but we may be getting there.

However, there is hope! Teaching kids the facts may hold off experimentation. For instance, when popular media covered the adverse effects of synthetic marijuana (spice, K2, or wax), use rates went down. Educating your kids about the easily available marijuana their friends are smoking optimizes the chance they’ll use good judgment. Here are the facts parents need to know!

Today’s pot is far more potent than pot from the 1970s-1980s.

The average marijuana today contains 20-30% THC versus 1980’s pot which averaged 4% THC. That means that old research conclusions barely apply to today’s pot. Furthermore, as THC potency increases the number of cannabinoids decrease. Cannabinoids are the chemical compounds in marijuana that is responsible for proposed medical benefits.

Cat Sitting Next to Pot Plant

Marijuana is physiologically and psychologically addicting.

Cannabinoids increase dopamine in the pleasure center of the brain. This is the same process that underlies the reinforcing effects of ALL addictive drugs. Because there is a high concentration of cannabinoid brain receptors in many different areas of the brain, marijuana has many effects on the user. This is why marijuana is in a drug class of its own with effects that qualify it as a hallucinogenic, sedative, or analgesic.

Similar to all drugs of abuse, there is clear and consistent evidence of tolerance, withdrawal, and craving resulting from marijuana use. For the benefit of three hours of a high, you have the cost of up to fourteen days of withdrawal. Withdrawal symptoms include irritability, stomach pain, anxiety, loss of appetite, and insomnia.

Starting young and smoking often makes you dumber.

Chronic marijuana smokers younger than 18 years old demonstrate an average IQ decline of eight points and other signs of impaired mental functioning by age 38 years.

Medical Marijuana Sign

Marijuana has legitimate applications for some medical conditions.

The marijuana effects of increased hunger and happiness have been found to be helpful for the nausea, anorexia, and wasting experienced by people with HIV (Bedi et al. 2005; Haney et al. 2007; Lutge et. al. 2013) and chronic neuropathic pain related to HIV, multiple sclerosis, and peripheral neuropathy (Lynch et al. 2011; Ware et al 2010). However, marijuana is rarely recommended as first-line treatment due to side effects. Most studies evaluate the oral forms of marijuana rather than smokable forms.

Marijuana obscures psychiatric presentation and generally makes mental illnesses worse rather than better.

  • Anxiety Disorders: Self-medicating with pot leads to cyclic withdrawal and heightened anxiety that is harder to treat with traditional therapies. Marijuana lowers GABA, natures calming neurotransmitter.
  • Mood Disorders & ADHD: Marijuana dysregulates serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, the neurotransmitters related to mood and attention disorders. In other words, pot makes mood and ADHD symptoms worse.
  • Schizophrenia: Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder characterized by hallucinations, delusions, and a lack of initiative. It is typically incurable and progressive, often seen among our homeless population.

Here is the most disturbing research outcome I have read in my twenty-year career. The use of marijuana increases the chances of developing schizophrenia by 600% for heavy smokers, 400% for regular smokers, and 200% for any smoking (Andréasson et al. 1987; Stefanis et al. 2013)! This does not mean marijuana causes schizophrenia, but it certainly increases the chances that it will occur. I caution my patients often, why take that kind of risk with your life and brain health just to get high?

Hello Marijuana, Good-bye Prozac button

You can’t be sure all you’re smoking is marijuana.

Marijuana is often laced with more addictive drugs like cocaine, heroin, or PCP to keep buyers buying. Although adulteration if far less of a risk for marijuana than other drugs, the heavier the drug the higher its price. As a result, adulterants like lead, silicone, Mountain dew, and Windex have been commonly discovered in pot samples. Marijuana is also often treated with pesticides to optimize profitable quantities. So much for organic.

Chronic marijuana use is particularly harmful to the developing brain, because it decreases Brain Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF).

BDNF is a chemical that regulates the birth, survival, and repair of the cells that make up the brain. BDNF is responsible for what scientists call neuroplasticity, the adaptive processes underlying learning and memory.

Pot lowers BDNF levels. So if an adolescent’s brain is not developing normally, pot may make it worse (D’Souza et al. 2009; Zammit 2003). Clinically we have found that if we can get our client clean from marijuana after their first psychotic symptoms, they have a far better chance of recovery rather than suffering a progressive course.

Teen Smoking Pot from Glass Pipe

Chronic marijuana use has been found to have various negative health effects, including:

  • a suppressant effect on immune system (long-term unknown);
  • an adverse effect on the reproductive systems of men and women (lower testosterone and lower sperm count in males and lower LH secretion in females), but there is no evidence of a change in fertility;
  • no identified increase in birth defects, but may contribute to low birth rate and less maternal milk production;
  • problematic behavioral syndromes including lower GPA, more truancy, higher drop out rate, and more delinquency.
    Money and Drugs on Table

  • Marijuana has become BIG BUSINESS.

    Big tobacco money is investing in the marijuana industry. As a result, I anticipate the “mom and pop” head shops will be going bankrupt while even more slick marketing comes on the scene. There’s big money to be made at the expense of the public’s health…again (remember tobacco?).

    As marijuana gets more addictive and capable of generating profit, we are seeing a more diverse product line of smokables and edibles, some of which are packaged to be attractive to children. Although there are no reported cases of death by marijuana overdose, there are increasing numbers of emergency room visits due to marijuana use. Safety groups are advocating for potency limits, better labeling, bans of products packaged to appeal to children, and a regulatory structure for marijuana similar to those that exist with tobacco and alcohol.

    Regardless of your opinions about adult use of marijuana, I think we can all agree that marijuana is harmful for children and teens. I hope these facts inspire you to have a factual discussion with your kids. Although education isn’t all kids need to stay safe from drugs, I am frequently pleased to see my clients alter their course after a factual and reasonable discussion about the risks of marijuana on the developing brain.

    I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

    Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

    Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
    Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
    GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

Andréasson, Sven, Ann Engström, Peter Allebeck, and Ulf Rydberg. “CANNABIS AND SCHIZOPHRENIA A Longitudinal Study of Swedish Conscripts.” The Lancet 330.8574 (1987): 1483-486. Web.

Bedi, Gillinder, Richard W. Foltin, Erik W. Gunderson, Judith Rabkin, Carl L. Hart, Sandra D. Comer, Suzanne K. Vosburg, and Margaret Haney. “Efficacy and Tolerability of High-dose Dronabinol Maintenance in HIV-positive Marijuana Smokers: A Controlled Laboratory Study.” Psychopharmacology 212.4 (2010): 675-86. Web.

D’Souza, Deepak Cyril, Brian Pittman, Edward Perry, and Arthur Simen. “Preliminary Evidence of Cannabinoid Effects on Brain-derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF) Levels in Humans.” Psychopharmacology 202.4 (2009): 569-78. Web.

Haney M, Gunderson EW, Rabkin J, Hart CL, Vosburg SK, Comer SD, Foltin RW. “Dronabinol and Marijuana in HIV-Positive Marijuana Smokers: Caloric Intake, Mood and Sleep.” JAIDS 45 (2007): 545–554. [PubMed]

Lutge, Elizabeth E, Andy Gray, and Nandi Siegfied. “The Medical Use of Cannabis For Reducing Morbidity and Mortality in Patients With HIV/AIDS.” Database of Systematic Reviews (2013):4. Web. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/14651858.CD005175.pub3/abstract

Lynch, Mary E., and Fiona Campbell. “Cannabinoids for Treatment of Chronic Non-cancer Pain; a Systematic Review of Randomized Trials.” British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology 72.5 (2011): 735-44. Web.

“Marijuana.” Marijuana. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 Jan. 2015.

Meier, M. H., A. Caspi, A. Ambler, H. Harrington, R. Houts, R. S. E. Keefe, K. Mcdonald, A. Ward, R. Poulton, and T. E. Moffitt. “Persistent Cannabis Users Show Neuropsychological Decline from Childhood to Midlife.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 109.40 (2012): E2657-2664. Web.

Stefanis, N. C., M. Dragovic, B. D. Power, A. Jablensky, D. Castle, and V. A. Morgan. “Age at Initiation of Cannabis Use Predicts Age at Onset of Psychosis: The 7- to 8-Year Trend.” Schizophrenia Bulletin 39.2 (2013): 251-54. Web. http://schizophreniabulletin.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2013/01/10/schbul.sbs188.abstra ct

Ware, M. A., T. Wang, S. Shapiro, A. Robinson, T. Ducruet, T. Huynh, A. Gamsa, G. J. Bennett, and J.-P. Collet. “Smoked Cannabis for Chronic Neuropathic Pain: A Randomized Controlled Trial.” Canadian Medical Association Journal 182.14 (2010): E694-701. Web.

Zammit, S. “Self Reported Cannabis Use as a Risk Factor for Schizophrenia in Swedish Conscripts of 1969: Historical Cohort Study.” Bmj 325.7374 (2002): 1199. Web.

Photo credits

Paff, paff, pass it! By Jon Richter, CC by-NC-SA 2.0

So Young. By Will Bryson, CC by-NC-SA 2.0

Medical Marijuana. By Chuck Coker, CC by-ND 2.0

Prozac Makes Better Christians But Marijuana Makes Better Brownies. By wackystuff, CC by-SA 2.0)

Denver 4/20 Marijuana Rally 2013. By Jonathan Piccolo, CC by-NC-SA 2.0

Money Money Money. By Filipe Garcia, CC by-NC-ND 2.0

Dr. Bennett’s Developmental Psychology Crash Course (Ages 7-11 Years)

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Child Playing with Father

From 7 to 11 years old, children are starting to function on their own in a variety of settings. They are running with friends, completing their classwork, and even doing simple household chores. As a result, adults expect more independence and responsibility from them than ever before. Yet even with their rapidly developing skills, school age kids need warm, supportive, and engaged parents in order to develop sophisticated information processing skills, an independent work ethic, secure emotional attachments, high self esteem, and a strong sense of morality. No longer do parents need to chase school-age kids for physical safety, we now must transition to coaching psychological safety. As you read this crash course, keep in mind how your family’s technology use guidelines may interfere with, or enhance, blossoming developmental skills.

As school age kids become more sophisticated in their cognitive and language skills, adults may be inclined to view them as “little adults.” This is a mistake. Seven to 11 year old kids are still in a stage of rapid development and need active parental supervision and guidance.

Developing Brain

Brain Development

These facts provide a sophisticated understanding of anatomical brain development that allow new developmental abilities. Perhaps this will help you keep your perspective as you customize your parenting genius:

  • In general, brain development is less like building and more like “remodeling.” It involves both neuronal growth AND demolition. As a result, we often see brain volume increases and decreases in particular areas as children age and reach increasing brain specialization. Just because parts of the brain reach maximal volume does not mean the brain is finished developing.
    • For example, as children’s executive functioning becomes increasingly sophisticated (attention, concentration, and organization), frontal lobe gray matter reaches its maximal volume in girls at 11 years old and in boys at 12.1 years old (Lenroot, 2006).
  • In regard to brain cell demolition, by the age of 10 some cortical regions begin to show decreases in volume, especially within occipital and superior parietal lobes (Brown, 2012). This is called regulatory pruning and follows the “use it or lose it” principal.
    • Brain lateralization means that certain mental processes specialize in either the left or the right hemisphere. This specialization continues to occur during this age, allowing more subtle and coordinated motor activity and complex thought (Lenroot, 2006).
    • The efficiency of thinking improves as myelination continues during infancy and throughout adolescence (Brown, 2012). Myelination is the process of sheathing axons (brain cells) with white matter to insulate them and allow them to conduct the electrical impulses that create “thinking.”
  • The caudate nucleus is a brain structure found in the area of the brain called the basal ganglia, which plays a role in the control of movement and muscle tone and is involved in circuits mediating higher cognitive functions, attention, and emotional states. The caudate nucleus reaches its largest size at age 7 years old in girls and 10 years old in boys before it declines in volume (Lenroot, 2006).
    • White matter and corpus collosum volumes continue to increase as well (Lenroot, 2006). The most prominent white matter structure is the corpus callosum, consisting of approximately 200 million myelinated fibers. The corpus callosum integrates the activities of the left and right cerebral hemispheres, including functions related to the unification of sensory fields (Berlucchi, 1981; Shanks et al., 1975), memory storage and retrieval (Zaidel and Sperry, 1974), attention and arousal (Levy, 1985), and enhancing language and auditory functions (Cook, 1986).

Cognitive & Motor Development

  • By now children have lost their first baby tooth and continue increase in size and strength. The average American 7 year old is 50 lbs., 48 inches tall and by 12 years old is 90 lbs., 59 inches tall (CDC.gov). Around ten years old, the onset of puberty begins for many kids, with girls starting slightly ahead of the boys.
  • Due to increased size, strength, and coordination, school age kids often become involved in team and individual sports. With these activities, parental roles shift from being caretakers to providers of transportation, coaches, and cheerleaders. These role changes significantly impact family dynamics and can strengthen or strain the parent-child connection.
    • Watch out! I’ve found in clinical practice that parents must surrender the fantasy of who they thought their child would become and accept the child they’ve actually got. Engineers learn to embrace their cheerleaders and football coaches support their chess players. The ease of this transition can profoundly impact ongoing attachment. Lucky for us all, by the time children are school age most parents have fallen madly in love and, with this burgeoning new chapter of acceptance, comes a celebration that the real child is preferable to the fantasy child anyway. Accepting the unique qualities of your child may be more challenging for some parents than it is for others. The key is to have fun in your parenting role rather than becoming a drill instructor.

Skiing to Symbolize Cognitive and Motor Development

  • With increased memory capacity and knowledge stores, children ages 7 to 11 years can now follow instruction without as much supervision. Therefore, they can now spend time and be productive on their own with tasks like chores, homework, and play-dates. Erikson (1964) called this stage industry versus inferiority, meaning that as kids master skills, they develop a sense of pride.
    • Watch out! School age, technology native kids can now read and have a working knowledge of technology (often even better than their parents). They are able to seek new activities without adult help and can employ sophisticated work-arounds to parent monitoring, filtering, and blocking efforts. Study up Moms and Dads! With so much to know and changes occurring every day, you need GetKidsInternetSafe (GKIS) support more than ever!
    • Piaget (1952) considered middle childhood the period of concrete operations, meaning that mental operations (ideas held in memory) can better structure thought process. Now children can think flexibly and solve problems, organize ideas, understand social and moral rules, and interpret people’s intentions.
  • Kids this age are also developing metacognitive skills, meaning they gain a more abstract and complex idea of who they are, what they like, and what they want. We also see children’s interests swaying away from parental influence.
      • Watch out! Pester power becomes more difficult to dissuade as your child’s arguments and strategies get more sophisticated. Internet marketers are experts at developmental psychology and use these concepts to imbed neuromarketing strategies into child screen media activities. As a result, I am seeing kids wearing down their parents to purchase games, apps, and devices that are outside of their appropriate age rating. GKIS was developed to help parents recognize and better manage child screen media choices, despite the pressures of marketers and your unrelentingly pestering kids.

Child Speaking

Language Development

  • As egocentrism wanes, school age children are rapidly gaining metalinguistic awareness: the ability to think about language and to comment on its properties (Cole, 1993). Now kids can adjust the content of their communications to the listeners’ needs with more sophisticated detail.
    • Watch out! With these new abilities kids are increasingly able to form complex relationships with adults outside of the family and better able to manipulate caretakers. This is the age that sexual predators often target, because kids are highly vulnerable for Internet grooming. GKIS was developed to help parents block online portals to danger and teach kids resiliency skills so they don’t fall victim. The GKIS Home QuickStart Kit is an excellent tool to be preventative rather than reactive.

Social-Emotional Development

  • As they get better at incorporating social comparison, school age kids begin to develop a complex, but relatively stable, sense of self based on increasing cognitive, social, and physical competence (Cole, 1993).
    • As school age kids recognize that effort and ability contribute to academic performance, they become more firmly at risk for developing negative academic self-concepts. GKIS’s efforts to support the parent-child connection and best access technological enrichment can help buffer them from this risk.
  • Kids within this developmental phase spend increasingly more time with peers than parents, both on- and off-line. Socializing with other children is essential for learning to assertively negotiate conflict. The closer the friend, the more effort your child will put forth to reach a solution (Shaffer, 1989). It is important for parents to provide their children the time and opportunity to develop healthy peer relationships so they can develop social resiliency. The challenge is that kids this age will now choose friends outside of their parents’ influence for personality reasons, rather than simply proximity. As a result, they are exposing, and being exposed to ideas that parents are unaware of and may not approve of.
    • Watch out! As a clinician, it is glaringly evident that socialization and guidance during this period is critical to learning the skills necessary for social and partnering success later in life. Based on the problems families bring to my office, I am seeing more and more situations that interfere with unstructured peer group play time like excessive screen time, overload of academic tasks, online relationships that compete with face-to-face friend time, and misguided attempts to protect that instead isolate. These obstacles often cause developmental delay that is difficult, if not impossible, to remedy later. It is more important than ever for parents to spend time with their kids AND their kids’ buddies. Your influence will not only have an impact on your child’s decision-making, but also on the judgment of their friends. Keep a balance between allowing your child social privacy while also staying engaged in the process. GKIS is an excellent forum to discuss “how much is too much?”

Children Playing

    • Watch out! As kids become more socially competitive, they often experiment with cyber bullying strategies. As more social media platforms pop up, parents have to be more on-the-ball than ever before. Staying plugged in to breaking tech news is a big part of keeping your kids Internet safe.
  • Kids move from playing imaginary roles with social scripts to rule-based games. The objective now is not just play to have fun, but play to win. This progression bumps kids directly in the path of conflict negotiation and management of aggression. Girl play is typically more intimate with less direct competition, whereas boy play is in larger groups with more direct competition. Parental encouragement and support of a variety of social activities, including team sports, is awesome for social development.
  • School age kids start to segregate by gender during school age, become more interested in gaining popularity, and play often takes on sexual overtones (e.g., kiss tag and teasing). As kids near middle school age and puberty, they may also start being interested in experimenting with intimate partnerships.
    • Watch out! Research surveys demonstrate that sexting and posting sexually provocative pictures are common, even among healthy, educated kids and teens. It starts earlier than people think and parents are typically the last to catch on. GKIS will assist you in setting up an honest, transparent system that will help your child avoid scary pitfalls.
  • Young children have a difficult time imagining anything outside of their own perspective. Psychologists call this egocentrism. However, during the 7 to 11 year old phase of development, children become less egocentric and are better able to recognize that others have different perspectives, opinions, and intentions than they have. With this new insight, kids can now anticipate how others may react to what they say or do and better “get” potential dangers posed by strangers on the Internet. More specifically, at school age children can imagine that others may have malicious intent and that we all must protect ourselves by not disclosing personal information or unflattering images or actions online.
    • Watch out! It’s time to teach your children about the consequences of digital footprints, digital citizenship, and online posting.

7 Year Old Child with Mother

  • Parents expect more of elementary school children and tend to change their discipline strategies from spanking or time out to withdrawal of privileges and reward.
    • Maccoby (1984) described parent-child cooperation in managing behavior “coregulation.”
    • This increased self-regulation is consistent with Freud’s (1940) assertion that middle childhood is when the superego (attending to community values and standards) becomes dominant.
  • Middle childhood marks the development of conventional morality. Kids this age tend to choose “the right” in order to or do what they think is fair or to fulfill the role of a “good person” (Kohlberg, 1984).
    • Piaget (1952) posited that kids ages 5 to 10 years develop a strong respect for rules and enter a stage called heteronomous morality. In this stage kids make decisions based on if there’s a consequence rather than considering the intent of the transgressor. By 10 years old, kids enter the stage of autonomous morality. This means they come to understand that rules can be challenged and even changed if there’s good reason to do so, like intent.

Phew! That’s a lot of developing right there. I tried to keep it short and simple, but that’s difficult due to the massive skill-building that school age kids are developing everyday. Most importantly, it’s critical for parents to recognize that their kids are no longer babies, but not yet adults. They need us now more than ever before!

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo Credits

Scream and Shout, Mindaugas Danys, CC by 2.0
Playing in MUND West, ubarchives, CC by 2.0

Works Cited

Brown, Timothy T., and Terry L. Jernigan. “Brain Development During the Preschool Years.” Neuropsychology Review 22.4 (2012): 313-33. Web.

CDC, http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_11/sr11_246.pdf

Christakis, D. A., F. J. Zimmerman, D. L. Digiuseppe, and C. A. Mccarty. “Early Television Exposure and Subsequent Attentional Problems in Children.” Pediatrics 113.4 (2004): 708-13. Web.

Cole, Michael, and Sheila Cole. The Development of Children. New York, NY: Scientific American, 1993. Print.

Erikson, Erik H. Childhood and Society. New York: Norton, 1964. Print.

Freud, S. “An Outline of Psychoanalysis.” The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud. London: Hogarth, 1940. Vol 23. Print.

Hesketh, Kylie D., Trina Hinkley, and Karen J. Campbell. “Children′s Physical Activity and Screen Time: Qualitative Comparison of Views of Parents of Infants and Preschool Children.” International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity 9.1 (2012): 152. Web.

Kohlberg, Lawrence. The Psychology of Moral Development: The Nature and Validity of Moral Stages. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1984. Print.

Lenroot, Rhoshel K., and Jay N. Giedd. “Brain Development in Children and Adolescents: Insights from Anatomical Magnetic Resonance Imaging.” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews 30.6 (2006): 718-29. Web.

Maccoby, E. E. “Middle Childhood in the Context of Family.” Development during Middle Childhood: The Years from Six to Twelve. Washington D.C.: National Academy, 1984. Print.

Perry, David G., Louise C. Perry, Kay Bussey, David English, and Gail Arnold. “Processes of Attribution and Children’s Self-Punishment Following Misbehavior.” Child Development 51.2 (1980): 545-51. Web.Piaget, Jean. The Child’s Conception of Number. London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1952. Print.

Piaget, Jean. The Child’s Conception of Number. London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1952. Print.

Robinson, T. N. “Reducing Childrens Television Viewing to Prevent Obesity: A Randomized Controlled.” JAMA 282 (1999): 1561-567. Web.

Shaffer, David R. Developmental Psychology: Childhood and Adolescence. 9th ed. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole, 1989. Print.

Schmidt, Marie Evans, Jess Haines, Ashley O’brien, Julia Mcdonald, Sarah Price, Bettylou Sherry, and Elsie M. Taveras. “Systematic Review of Effective Strategies for Reducing Screen Time Among Young Children.” Obesity (2012). Web.

Sigman, A. “Time for a View on Screen Time.” Archives of Disease in Childhood 97.11 (2012): 935-42. Web.

Swing, E. L., D. A. Gentile, C. A. Anderson, and D. A. Walsh. “Television and Video Game Exposure and the Development of Attention Problems.” Pediatrics 126.2 (2010): 214-21. Web.

Walker, Lawrence J., Karl H. Hennig, and Tobias Krettenauer. “Parent and Peer Contexts for Children’s Moral Reasoning Development.” Child Development 71.4 (2000): 1033-048. Web.

Rules and Regs: Sensible GetKidsInternetSafe Screen Media Guidelines for Children Ages 7-11 Years

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Home staging is complete, now for some rules and regulations! As your children develop complex reasoning abilities, you may begin to educate them about the intricacies of Internet safety. Of course, you will want to customize the information based on your individual child. The important thing to remember is that empowerment and education is the goal rather than issuing threats or inspiring fear. Most importantly, weave your GKIS dialogue into low-key fun conversations rather than serious lectures. The more thought you put into your approach, the more credibility and respect you’ll gain as a parent. The most important goal is to become the person they go to for information and help.

GKIS Internet Safety Checklist (Rules & Regs):

  • Schedule a fun and informal GKIS family meeting every week to reinforce rules like time limits.

Family celebration

  • I recommend no more than 2 hours/weekday & 3 hours/day weekends of screen time with blackout times. For example, reasonable blackout screen media times include in the morning before school, 90 minutes after school, and 30 minutes before bedtime.
  • Don’t cave to pester power and allow your children access to inappropriate screen media content, including movies or television programs. Young children have poorer television literacy than older children. In other words, they are less able to understand and interpret television programming accurately. Because of their inability to maintain consistent attention or interpret abstract connections, children younger than ten years old are unable to follow a storyline and instead may instead only remember a series of disconnected scenes. Unlike older kids and adults, younger children do not follow the arc of the story or the changing motivations of the characters and often accept situations portrayed on television as factual rather than fictional (Schaffer, 583). Research suggests that poor television literacy (i.e., the inability to recognize prosocial elements) accounts for children’s increased aggression when they watch aggressive programming.

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  • Take some time to co-view what your kids want to watch. You may be shocked at the ever-increasing portrayal of sex, aggression, and social aggression that is weaved in even children’s programming. If you watch with a proactive eye and form a new awareness, you can make informed decisions about what is allowed in your home and what isn’t.
  • It is no longer controversial whether aggression on television is bad for children. Research over many years has clearly demonstrated that watching aggressive television increases aggression and children. Furthermore, kids become desensitized to violence over time and seek more and more aggressive content. They become more accepting of violence in others and more aggressive themselves. Increased aggression continues well into adulthood (Shaffer, 585).
  • Keep an eye out for the presence of gender and racial stereotypes in programming that may negatively affect your child’s view of the world and themselves. Body image is of particular concern for young women. If your daughter is watching actors who reinforce an unrealistic, thin ideal, her self-image may suffer.
  • Lead with screen media privileges and content; don’t follow. Set up a structure and dole out opportunities as they become appropriate rather than caving to your children’s begging, impulsively allowing access to inappropriate material, and then taking it away when you figured out it’s inappropriate. When parents are proactive and informed, kids better develop critical skills and learn problem-solving strategies. Furthermore, calmly giving justifiable consequences rather than abruptly yanking privileges avoids unfortunate damage to the parent-child alliance. By being informed and strategic, your kids won’t get the opportunity to develop dangerous habits like sneaking, deleting, and developing dishonest workarounds.
  • When you are choosing content, insist on a balanced media diet. Require that your children regularly use educational media to provide the foundational nutrition of the media diet. Then encourage the fun media for snacks and dessert. For example, e-books for children are an excellent entrée with complimentary videos as the fun and enriching treat.
  • While co-viewing screen media, educate your child about the superficiality of images and how they are used to sell products. Even in children’s television programming, profit drives airing decisions. Remember, children do not have an innate cognitive ability for television literacy, it must be taught to them. (Search with the term “marketing” on the GetKidsInternetSafe.com/blog/ to read more about specific marketing strategies).

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  • Give your kids the opportunity to earn trust with screen media over time. It’s a great idea to be emotionally neutral, patient, and nurturing the first time your children make a mistake on their screen media. Don’t sweat it when your child makes a first-time mistake; instead use it as a teaching opportunity. If they make the same mistake again, then it’s appropriate to turn up to volume on your disapproval and determine reasonable consequences. The primary goal is to help your children shape a self-perception of being honest, smart, and capable and working to maintain your children’s trust and respect. Joining in your children’s digital lives in a low-key, positive way helps with these strategies.
  • Make sure you praise and reward compliance along the way! Then they’ll work to please you rather than to avoid you.
    • In a study that illustrates how important it is to help shape your children’s self perception, Perry and colleagues (p 547) found that when children are told that they were clearly “the kind of child who both wanted to and were capable of doing a good job,” they were more likely to feel remorse and censure themselves for their mistake. This finding suggests it’s important to take the time to build your children up by stating your expectations that they will manage their screen media responsibly. Your kids won’t become arrogant; instead they’ll work to maintain a positive self image.

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  • Awesomely active parenting characterized by reasoning in a warm, supportive way with gentle probing questions has been demonstrated to be a positive contributor to moral growth (Walker, Hennig, & Kettenauer).
  • When your child does make a mistake, avoid the question, “Why did you do that?” Usually children aged 7-11 years don’t know how to answer and their attempts only lead to mutual frustration. A more productive question to ask is, “What could you have done instead?” This leads the child to generate solutions and sets you up as a helpful facilitator rather than a harsh interrogator.
  • Plan enriching activities outside of screen media time, like sports, clubs, play dates, and family adventures. We blackout screen media on “activity days,” which teaches restraint, prioritizing, and balance. Plus, it makes limit setting justifiable, simple, and straightforward.

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Please join us on the GetKidsInternet Facebook page to share your comments and stories. I look forward to hearing from you!

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

Perry, David G., Louise C. Perry, Kay Bussey, David English, and Gail Arnold. “Processes of Attribution and Children’s Self-Punishment Following Misbehavior.” Child Development 51.2 (1980): 545-51. Web.Piaget, Jean. The Child’s Conception of Number. London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1952. Print.

Shaffer, David R. Developmental Psychology: Childhood and Adolescence. 9th ed. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole, 1989. Print.

Walker, Lawrence J., Karl H. Hennig, and Tobias Krettenauer. “Parent and Peer Contexts for Children’s Moral Reasoning Development.” Child Development 71.4 (2000): 1033-048. Web.

Wright, J. C., Huston, A. C., Reitz, A. L., & Piemyat, S. (1994). Young children’s perception of television reality: Determinants and developmental differences. Developmental Psychology, 30, 229–239.

Wright, J. C., Huston, A. C., Truglio, R., Fitch, M., Smith, E., & Piemyat, S. (1995). Occupational portrayals on television: Children’s role schemata, career aspirations, and perceptions of reality. Child Development, 66, 1706–1718.

 Photo Credits:

Is Your Child a Bystander or a Cyberbully? A GKIS Guide to Empowerment.

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We’ve all read about cyberbullying and know it’s a bad thing. But do you know that recent surveys report that more than half of teens have been cyberbullying victims? This week’s GKIS article is an awesome start to an important conversation – what should parents do to help their kids avoid being the victim of cyberbullying?

THE BYSTANDER EFFECT

blog31bystander The bystander effect refers to the phenomenon of how people are less likely to respond to a person in distress if others are present. The larger the number of bystanders, the less likely anybody will get involved. In other words, people tend to look to others for action instead of acting themselves. Another word for this psychological principle is the diffusion of responsibility,

The most common illustration of the bystander effect is the case of Catherine “Kitty” Geovese. Kitty was a young woman who was attacked and robbed in New York City in 1964. Although as many as 37 people witnessed the crime from their windows and heard Kitty screaming for help, nobody helped. One man, however, did yell, “Let that girl alone!” causing her attacker to flee and Kitty to crawl to her apartment.

Kitty’s attacker, Winston Moseley, then returned ten minutes later to kill her and steal $50. The attack took 30 minutes. A neighbor finally called the police after the final attack, resulting in an ambulance arriving 75 minutes after the first assault. This event suggests that if the neighbors weren’t aware of other onlookers, maybe somebody would have done more to help or intervened sooner.

How does this relate to cyberbullying?

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For any single cyberbullying incident, there are various levels of participation. Many incidents involve an assessment of other online bystanders.

These include:

  • The perpetrator who posts the harmful content (with varying levels of malicious intent)
  • Those who encouragingly “like” or publicly comment on the post
  • Those who encouragingly comment via backchannel chat
  • Those who share or “favorite” the post
  • Those who repeatedly bring the content back via online sharing or in the form of gossip or face-to-face bullying. (Repeat sharing sometimes goes on for years!)
  • Those who view and “friend” or remain “friends” with the cyberbully online or offline
  • Those who copy the cyberbully’s technique
  • Those who view the cyberbullying incident without further action
  • Those who view the cyberbullying incident and comment their protest via backchannel chat
  • Those who view the cyberbullying incident and publicly comment their protest
  • Those who flag the content as inappropriate or request Web mediation
  • Those who request adult intervention through parents, academic staff, or law enforcement

Why do kids choose not to intervene?

So many possible responses! And it gets even more complicated from here. Not only are there many options to choose from about WHAT kind of response to make, but there are several reasons kids give WHY they make their decisions.

Robert Thornberg (2007) cites the following seven concepts associated with passive or non-intervention bystander behavior:

  • Trivialization: The child doesn’t consider the incident serious (often because cyberbullying is so common children are desensitized).
  • Dissociation: The child feels they are not involved in the situation or is not a friend of the cyberbully or the victim.
  • Embarrassment association: The child doesn’t want to make the victim more embarrassed or doesn’t want to get embarrassed themselves (stage fright).
  • Audience modeling: The child looks to bystanders for the social norm.
  • Busy working priority: The child considers doing other things that are a higher priority than helping.
  • Compliance with the competitive norm: The child considers social media etiquette or politeness more important than helping behavior.
  • Responsibility transfer: The child ascribes more responsibility to other bystanders than themselves (e.g., online peers who are more involved with the bully or victim or online viewers with more authority).

What should a parent do?

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Children need engaged parents to help them sort through these options to choose what’s right. That doesn’t mean parents should lecture about what’s right and what’s wrong, punish them, or take over. Kids need parents to help them work through complex problems to find the best solution. If the first choice doesn’t make a difference, try the second, the third, and so on. The important thing is to help each other through it.

What should parents encourage kids to do in a cyberbully situation?

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  • Assess their influence potential on the cyberbully. If they are allies at school, it may be worth it to reach out and ask the friend to remove the post or lay off the negativity.
  • Assess their influence potential on the victim. Reaching out to help somebody who is hurting is a powerful maneuver. Even if the victim is not a friend, it helps to hear that you’re not alone.
  • Reach out for expert support. Simply flagging the content online may be enough. Reaching out to offline authorities is also an option. Educate your child about the opportunity for anonymous reports and making a real difference.
  • Never bully the bully or escalate the situation. Sometimes that’s just what the bully is looking for and then your child may become the victim.
  • Do SOMETHING. Being observant, knowledgeable, and willing to think through your options is powerful.

And most importantly of all…parents please remember, what works in your adult world does not always work in your children’s worlds. Ultimately, they are the experts on what may make a positive difference, you are simply the facilitator.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited:

Thornberg, Robert. “A Classmate in Distress: Schoolchildren as Bystanders and Their Reasons for How They Act.” Social Psychology of Education 10.1 (2007): 5-28. Web.

Photo Credits:

Tween Cell Phone Texting, Carissa Rogers. CC by 2.0Tiles by José Sáez, CC by 2.0
Working Word, CC by 2.0
J.K. Califf, CC by 2.0
Smartphone Teen by Pabak Sakar, CC by 2.0

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