Internet safety

From Safe to Extraordinary—5 Most Excellent GKIS Tips for Preschoolers

September 10, 2014 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

#3 of a 3-Part Series Sensible GetKidsInternetSafe Screen Media Guidelines for Children Ages 3 to 6 Years

In this GetKidsInternetSafe (GKIS) preschool series, we have covered setting the stage for safe use and launching smart and healthy use habits. Now it’s time to set a course for beginning brilliant technology mastery. Fun for the whole family, no matter what the ages!

OPTIMIZE THE POSITIVES:

Use technology to support and complement other avenues of creativity rather than as an isolated activity in and of itself.

For example, take pictures of Lego and block creations, sculpture, and drawings and share them with loved ones and teachers. Build stories with images and videotape of dramatic play and karaoke.
Be amazing and create with them! Help your children create digital stories incorporating video, pictures, and auditory files.

Encourage your children to explore lots of roles including screenwriter, director, producer, camera operator, set narrator, and the “talent.” Lights! Camera! Action! A friend of mine even made a pretend movie camera with a workable red light!Introducing your preschooler to movie-making software for beginners will set the stage for the creation of more sophisticated video compilations popular with school-age kids.
Screen media provides access to the world your child may otherwise not have.

Supplement discussion with images and video of new and historic places, people, animals, and objects. Multimodal learning has been well demonstrated to be more effective and more fun!
Encourage video conferencing with family and friends.

Your village no longer has to live in your town. The more humans delighted with everything your babies do, the better! Pair up with your child to create a family blog on a free site like http://www.blogger.com. And don’t forget to share their artwork and keep them in your personal folder. One day you’ll cherish them.

ASK DUMB QUESTIONS:

When in doubt, consult the experts.

Real-life and online experts, such as your child (ha-ha), early childhood educators, psychologists, and pediatricians, are available on- and off-line to help guide your technology decisions. Don’t be afraid to ask; you’re not alone. And please share what you’ve learned with other parents (like www.GetKidsInternetSafe.com)!

Trying out any of these tips qualifies you as a GKIS awesome parent. I thank you, your kids thank you, and the world thanks you.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

GO-TO RESOURCES:

American Academy of Pediatrics Policy Statement: Children, Adolescents, Obesity, and the Media.
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/128/1/201.full?sid=76ab%208514-4aef-4a0c-820f-5fc58436d50b

American Psychological Association Public Policy Update: Shaping Technology’s Impact.
http://www.apa.org/monitor

Commonsense Media Mission Statement: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/about-us/our-mission

Let’s Move.gov Let’s Move Child Care Initiative. 5 Simple Steps for Parents http://www.letsmove.gov/reduce-screen-time-and-get-active

National Association for the Education of Young Children and the Fred Rogers Center for Early Learning and Children’s Media at Saint Vincent College joint position statement: Technology and Interactive Media as Tools in Early Childhood Programs Serving Children from Birth through Age 8.
http://www.naeyc.org/content/technology-and-young-children

Scholastic: Home of Parent & Child Magazine
http://www.scholastic.com/parents/life-and-learning/what-to-know/ages-6-7

All kids deserve love from all directions. Treasure the teachers who give it and spread yours to the kids who aren’t so easy to love. They need it the most.

6 Awesome GKIS Habits for Preschoolers

September 3, 2014 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

2 of a 3-Part Series Sensible GetKidsInternetSafe Screen Media Guidelines for Children Ages 3 to 6 Years

Now that last week’s article helped you set the stage for smart GetKidsInternetSafe parenting, the following tips will help you create safe use habits. It’s all about filtering, monitoring, participating, and healthy balance.

6 AWESOME GKIS HABITS:

Children should not be allowed to view unfiltered content unmonitored.

Exposure to violent or sexualized images is harmful to children in ways that parents can’t imagine. It is our responsibility as parents to protect them just as we do with other environmental hazards. There is no replacement for supervision, although a child browser may be helpful.
Co-viewing and co-media engagement are excellent learning opportunities.

Technology can provide an adaptive scaffold for your children’s learning and initiative. And, as an awesome parent, you can provide an adaptive scaffold for learning technology.
Observe your children’s use of the media for a probationary period before your mind is made up.

Don’t forget to let your kids know “you’re just trying it out.” And don’t be afraid to make adaptations or discontinue use if you see something you don’t like (e.g., frustration, fatigue, or over-stimulation). Even if they have you convinced that disappointment is permanently disabling, it isn’t. Learning to cope with an unexpected change of plans is a critical life lesson. Remember, your GKIS plan is a living agreement. That means it changes as your family’s needs change.
An enriching, sensible balance between active play, interactive engagement with others, and time-limited, age-appropriate technology use is essential for healthy development.

Say no to violent content, background television, and mature themes.
Media material that includes slower-paced narratives with less intensity and novelty is better for the young brain.

Opt for interactive and problem-solving games when possible.

Don’t cave when your kids say “but everybody else is doing it.”

Good parenting needs to start within your home and once you cave to pester power it’s a slippery slope. Kids learn quickly what will make you cave and will escalate to impressive heights when challenged. Don’t let them control the parenting playbook.

Children 3 to 6 years old still have immature judgment and are incapable of complex reasoning. Therefore it’s still too soon for them to own a smart phone or open their own social media accounts.
No more than 2 hours/day of screen media on weekdays.

How does it feel to be on the road to mastery rather than burying your head and crossing your fingers? Believe me, you are giving your kids a warm and brilliant start in a landscape fraught with peril! Thanks for being incredible.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

So cute AND a great lesson. Enjoy!

7 GetKidsInternetSafe Tips for Summer

June 22, 2014 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Summer has arrived and parents everywhere are alight with anticipation and dread. It’s your job to be a good-enough parent, not a perfect one. Here are 7 GetKidsInternetSafe guidelines to help.

We are a week into summer at our house, and it has started already; that nagging guilt I feel to keep my kids happy while juggling my job, marriage, friendships, and sanity. The dreaded “bored” word hangs over my head like a dead tree limb ready to snap. Help!

There are always the über moms who had it together two months ago and scheduled Cantonese class, violin lessons, and sailing camp. Having a twenty year-old and being in session with the übers, I am over the fantasy that I am that mom. And frankly, I’m happy to say so, because that impossible expectation leads these beautiful, ambitious souls to have two gigantic glasses of wine every night and chases their husbands into the garage, as her resentment poisons the room. The sadly ironic fact is that a mother’s love for her children inspires her intensity. One or two activities at a time, please. Unscheduled time is valuable for healthy development.

And please know, writing these pieces makes me gag a little. Because I am the first to say I’m a good-enough mom, but far from perfect. I do and say things often that I have to apologize for and wish I could take back. But there are other times when I grin at myself because my babies are giddy little souls who wrestle puppies, build sky castles of hot lava on their computers, and climb trees.

My GetKidsInternetSafe guidelines should be read as they are intended; to give you permission to be happy outside of your parenting role while being proud and delighted with what you do pull off. And know that these are guidelines. Adopt what you want, how you want. Nothing is more valuable than your organic parenting instinct.

Practice mindfulness.

Stop, attend to the present, breathe from your diaphragm with a 6-second exhale, and fill your heart with the love of your children. This will help you set your priorities and keep you from becoming a screeching, bossy lunatic.

DJ.

Nothing gets the house rockin’ like some Elton John and a parent who sings badly. A little Earth, Wind, and Fire also inspires the spirit to soar through clumsy interpretive dance. As my dad used to say while we happily hustled around his knees, “It isn’t dancin’ unless your shoulders are movin!”

12:00-3:00 no screen time.

Be warned, the first couple days they will sit on the couch moaning in agony and run through every manipulative strategy they have in their brilliant cognitive toolboxes. Don’t cave! Eventually they will climb trees, read books, and wrestle until lamps break, as kids should. <note Brady Bunch reference>

One educational lesson a day.

It doesn’t have to be a kill and drill workbook though. Maybe 10 minutes on an educational or exploratory app like Google Earth or a TED talk. My kids like TED talks, and they give us something to discuss other than “kid stuff” that makes my eyes glaze over.

Kids need sun and run.

Schedule a nature event at least once a week, if not every day. Maybe you can’t pull off the beach or the mountains, but you certainly can take a walk around the block or visit a park to have a picnic.

When they beg not to go with, make them anyway.

We went to a concert in the park last night with our kids sulking in tow, and heck if they didn’t have a wildly fabulous time sitting on the blanket, playing tag, and eating chicken tostada salads and popcorn. Glow sticks, not to mention the horror of your parents dancing with a clumsy herd of friends in front of EVERYBODY, were a bonus. By the end they were spinning and hopping with us as well. My heart burst a bunch of times and my soul paid rapt attention and soaked it in. These moments are precious, but they sometimes have to be staged.

Treat the word “bored” as a cuss word.

It’s not allowed in our house and will immediately result in a consequence. Because first of all, that’s not MY problem. And secondly, the stinkin’ thinkin’ will make them miserable. So nip it in the bud.

Make sure you’ve subscribed to www.GetKidsInternetSafe.com for your free copy of “The Top 10 Mistakes Parents Make With Internet Safety (and How to Recover!). And please share your summer ideas with the GetKidsInternetSafe village. Cheers to making sunbaked, juicy life memories with your babies. (That tree pic is my son in the tree before school. I took it from my bedroom window). 🙂

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Love this one:

And let this be your inspiration (it totally cracks me up):

If Your Child Has Internet Access, There’s Risk. Are You Avoiding the Topic of Internet Pornography?

May 14, 2014 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

As a woman, a mother, and a psychologist who treats teens and teaches about addiction and eating disorders, I am profoundly aware of how our media-saturated sexualized world is affecting our kids and teens. From print ads to television to Internet browsing and social media, kids are bombarded with a range of sexualized images and videos that pose real danger to healthy emotional development. The question many parents ask me is “how big of an impact does sexualized media images have on kids?”

Research regarding impact remains unclear and controversial. However, it is clear that parents have a reason to be concerned. In graduate school I watched Jean Kilbourne’s groundbreaking Killing Us Softly series and learned how women’s bodies are objectified in ads. How marketers choose images of vacant-eyed models in need of a roast beef sandwich with extra mayo (and an IQ) posed in powerless positions, body parts lit, made up, and digitally manipulated to achieve an inaccessible fantasy. These images exploit sexuality for profit and strongly impact how we view others and ourselves. As empowered women, we want to be both intelligent and sexy, not somebody’s mindless object.

My proudest work has been mentoring young women to empower themselves and helping young men become insightful, strong partners. This blog is about our responsibility as parents to keep our children emotionally safe, which translates to educating, protecting, and supporting them along the way rather than abandoning them to be exposed to material they are not ready for or that is violent or frightening.

Keeping our kids safe sounds like an easy concept. And it kind of was when our homes provided sanctuary from dangerous others. But now with the Internet and sophisticated hand held devices, dangerous others can be seen and can view and converse with us at the click of a button. The sheer exposure from hours of daily screen time has more impact than ever. The Internet is a portal to real risk. There is no longer a doubt that this generation of children is viewing more explicit sexualized material at greater frequency than any generation before. Raising a child to 20 years old and still having two younger ones at home provides shocking illustration to us! Pretending this is not happening is not a solution. It is our obligation as parents to tackle the issue on several fronts.

GetKidsInternetSafe.com addresses safety in three ways:

CONNECTING with your kids to provide ongoing education through factual, honest dialogue and a fun, trusting relationship,
FILTERING unsafe material from reaching your kids in the first place, and
PROTECTING your awesome, hard-earned connection and filtering throughout their development by transparently and consistently employing a safe and informed strategy that allows Internet exposure in responsible ways at the appropriate developmental stages.

*********

Let’s start the CONNECTION phase with a factual discussion about sex education. Parents get particularly fearful about how to manage sex education. They ask me: when should I start? What should I say? How much should I tell them? This is particularly challenging because as a society, we are chronically conflicted about female sexuality and power. With the simultaneous purity of youth and the seductiveness of Lolita, it is sometimes frightening to know how to talk to our daughters about their sexuality and its effect on others. And frankly we are not much better with our sons. How we can best lead them to healthy maturity?

In regard to formal sexual education, schools vary tremendously on what they teach, and some teach absolutely nothing at all! You may be shocked to know, for example, that only 19 states require sexual education that is medically and technically accurate. Teacher’s hands are tied; parents must provide the formal education (NCSL, par. 4).

Beyond school intervention, how do our kids get information outside the home about sexuality? The Internet.

87.5% of Americans under the age of 25 years old have access to the Internet (US Census Bureau 11).

And news for the naïve, a 2006 college survey of 563 students revealed that 93% reported exposure to Internet pornography before the age of 18, with the first exposure being on average 14 years old (Sabina, Wolak, Finkelhor 2).

That means kids are being exposed to factual information that may be helpful, but also sexual images and video that will leave them with powerful emotions including excitement, embarrassment, disgust, shock, surprise, guilt, or shame (Sabina, Wolak, Finkelhor 3). These feelings can lay an emotional foundation that could shape them in unwanted ways for years to come.

HOW DANGEROUS IS IT FOR MY CHILD TO VIEW PORNOGRAPHY?

Unfortunately, as a treating clinician I have insider information that clearly demonstrates that viewing pornography can be dangerous on many levels. In my experience, this very real risk is reaching epidemic proportions and, despite being a passionate advocate about the resiliency of kids. I’m worried about how this dynamic is affecting the future generations.

In order to inform you in a factual way, I dug deep at the university library on this topic. Because triple-A Internet use (accessible, affordable, anonymous) is a relatively new phenomenon, research is in its infancy on this topic. However, in the upcoming weeks I will cover specific findings about what we do know and how to avoid the following effects from child/teen viewing of Internet pornography:

Self-identity
Relationship with one’s body
Relationship with one’s brain & ability
Emotional well being & safety
Relationship with the other gender
Relationship with intimate partners
Relationship with the community

I will make a deliberate effort to discuss Internet safety in a credible and balanced way. However, when it comes to viewing explicit material prior to sexual maturity, there is no way to think about this without valid alarm. This is a topic that screams for in-home, immediate intervention that starts with supervision and calm, supportive dialogue. Not only must parents filter inappropriate content from young children, but they must also acknowledge that older children will be exposed to this content and must have the education and resources to deal with it before and when they do. GetKidsInternetSafe.com was created to help.

This week I invite you to assess two things: your child’s current Internet access and your feelings about pornography and how you would begin to educate your children about its role in society.

It’s important to be calmly aware of your opinions about Internet pornography BEFORE you approach your child with an age-appropriate, non-shaming discussion. Start by being thoughtful about your own feelings and opinions now.

In the next blog, I will give you specific ideas about how you can broach the topic of sexuality with your child in a way that’s developmentally appropriate. The goal is to empower them! Avoid shame and fear.

As I was writing this, my twelve year-old daughter wandered into the kitchen to ask what I was writing about. I told her I was concerned about the sexualized images young girls are exposed to in the media, and I asked her how she thinks it is affecting her. She responded, “It makes me want to better than that. To be stronger.” And then she flounced back out of the kitchen. Haha! That’s my girl!

Share your concerns and special knowledge and don’t forget to forward GetKidsInternetSafe.com to friends and family. I’d also love to hear from you on the social media links below!

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Jean Kilbourne tells us the Internet is a powerful vehicle for dehumanizing women in this Killing Us Softly trailer

Works Cited

“Computer and Internet Use in the United States.” United States Census Bureau, May 2013. Web.

Sabina, Chiara, Janis Wolak, and David Finkelhor. “The Nature and Dynamic of Internet Pornography Exposure for Youth.” Cyber Psychology and Behavior (2008): n. pag. Web.

“State Policies on Sex Education in Schools.” State Policies on Sex Education in Schools. National Conference of State Legislators, 14 Feb. 2014. Web. 20 Mar. 2014.

For an excellent summary of the research, click on this link for the Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls (http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report.aspx?item=1).

Texting, Hip Hop, and Too Many Cheeseburgers

January 7, 2014 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Parenting will probably be the hardest thing we ever do. If you don’t think that yet … buckle in it’s probably coming. With screens, parenting has gotten even harder. I also think it’s gotten more difficult to be a teen. Normal developmental mistakes are broadcast and shared among too many immediately and the sharing of dangerous “coping” methods happen too often. This article is about my oldest daughter, who graduated in 2012. This was even before the scary social media platforms came on-scene. Here’s a story about a road trip with a teen, texting, and a perimenopausal mother; what could possibly go wrong?

My oldest daughter, Carly, is amazing. She has always had the kind of vibrancy that makes everybody in her presence buzz. She’s smart, funny, and beautiful, and I’m beyond smitten with her. (I know, duh, I’m her mom). She and I have a close and complex relationship. She was my only for eight years and my mini-mom for her younger brother and sister after that. We complete each other’s sentences, yet have totally different ideas of “clean.” Nobody knows me better or gets to me quicker. Just as she puts sparkle in my soul, she can make me simmer with frustration.

During the summer between her sophomore and junior years, I panicked that she was not intending to pursue the future of my dreams. Yes, I said MY dreams. Since I loved her so much, I dreamed her future would be pre-paved by my hard-earned experience. No failures and frustrations for my child. She’d accept my wisdom and effortlessly make her way.

You’d think I’d know better being a shrink. Of course kids don’t accept parent influence like that. Once they become teens, it’s the healthy course for them to be hell-bent on stumbling into their own mistakes. As they hitch their own wagons, we can only look on wide-eyed and trembling. It is then that parents must grieve the children they expected (fantasy) and accept the children they got (reality).

Lucky for me, Carly’s true self is way better than my fantasy of who she would be. I had to learn that by coursing through many parenting challenges along the way. Don’t judge, you will too. 🙂

One of those challenges happened with my brilliant idea to inspire Carly’s academic goals with a college visit road trip. Well, technically it wasn’t all my idea. At the time, we were hanging with the coolest parents we know, at the coolest backstage concert venue we’ve ever been, when we were treated with the story of how their college road trip inspired their son into four-year university. Convinced at that moment I was failing to inspire as a parent, I rushed home and frantically mapped out a last minute, end-of-the-summer college road trip throughout Central and Northern California. Just Carly and I on a life adventure! It’s an understatement to say that Carly was NOT happy with my impulsive announcement. It was honestly nothing less than a cultish abduction inspired by maternal enthusiasm. I dismissed her pleas to let her spend the remaining two weeks of summer hanging with her friends and packed us up to go, snacks and sodas in the cooler, playlists on the iPod. Carly affectionately calls me BOSS LADY for a reason.

We launched on a beautiful sunny day; me at the wheel chirping excitedly with agenda in hand, Carly beside me rolling her eyes wearing a hoodie, earphones, and scowling contempt. At 15 years old, her love-hate for me ran deep and boiling, just as mine did for my mother when I was 15. I understood it completely and considered myself impervious, saintly if you will. After all, in my panic it was evident I had few opportunities left to land amazing feats of perfect mothering. And damn it we were going to go down ablaze tryin’!

Carly and I were no strangers to mother-daughter togetherness. As cheer mom of her high school cheer squad, I drove her and her friends to every home and away game for all football, basketball, and volleyball seasons for two years running; her little brother and sister clutching their Nintendo DS’s in tow. She and I were like a well-oiled machine fueled by smoothies and silver hair bows.

Upon pulling out of the driveway, Carly immediately hijacked the stereo for hip-hop, knowing that in an hour I’d pull rank to soak in my achingly sad singer-songwriter dirges. I was afire with anticipation.

It was as soon as the second hour of driving when my eager delight began to wane. At this point, I had exhausted my most inspired questions to entice her into conversation. She occasionally placated me with a forced nod or two-word response, most the time texting madly to her army of fascinating friends. When she did talk to me, she would give me that dead-eyed stare only teenage girls can give their mothers, then look with adoration at her iPhone, throwing her head back giggling at times with true delight. It was beyond annoying.

By the fifteenth dead-eyed stare, I was sulking and angry, or more accurately, self-righteously furious. How could she be so entitled when I had given up EVERYTHING to pave this path of college educational awesomeness? Kids these days and their entitlement…my head abuzz with indignation.

Now I could drag you through some entertaining tales about this road trip that would make you LOL and recoil in empathy for us both, but I won’t. Let’s just say she had little interest in navigating, and I had little interest in being compassionate. Overall, we rescued a pretty good trip.

Reflecting Back . . .

A credit to Carly’s innate kindness, she somehow forgave my epic tantrum stemming from my perceived rejection the first three hours. And over the next ten days we braved a historical B&B full of rose-colored wallpaper and creepy staring dolls, had a whirl through San Francisco with my two best college buddies in a convertible Mini Cooper, and hobnobbed with drag queens in the Castro district. We drove along beautiful pine mountain roads, ate lots of cheeseburgers, and splashed our feet in a gurgling stream. I even backed into a pole in a parking lot, which was awesome modeling in crisis management considering she was logging driving permit hours.

Oh and the college tours! Despite my efforts to entice her into the campus of my dreams, Carly soundly vetoed every campus visited, ultimately choosing what turned out to be the perfect local alternative. No pine woods and darling river guide co-eds for Carly. She opted for a slower academic transition closer to home with beaches and frat boys. True to our special connection, we ultimately negotiated a choice that honored her individuality while soothing my fears of academic slacking. She even saved us loads of cash along the way, while kicking tail to a bachelor’s degree earned in only four years! Unheard of in today’s impacted college campuses. She had an awesome college experience…and I learned that I should have listened to her better…and sooner.

On this riot of a road trip, I learned more from Carly than she will ever know. Not only did I recognize that she is worthy of profound trust, but also that my fears that she would no longer need me were only partly true. And that army of texters that kept her distracted from my neediness? They wanted what was best for her too. Ultimately I had to learn to trust them as well.

From the proud heartbreak of watching my little girl become her own woman, I gathered the serenity I needed to help other families negotiate the loaded landscape of adolescence. The truth is, no matter how much we want to rescue them from life’s tragedies, they must experience their own failures to find success.

As we hide our faces in fear, we must not forget to peek through and be impressed by their gritty adolescent ferocity, because that is exactly what is necessary to carve adult resilience. To preserve sanity during your occasionally terrifying parenting journey, keep your sense of humor and remember that each challenging phase passes. But the special memories live forever…especially those that involve hiphop, mountain passes, and too many cheeseburgers. Enjoy your frantic, panic-inspired road trips.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo Credits

Golden Country by Greg Westfall, CC by 2.0
Happy by Greg Westfall, CC by 2.0

Tavi Gevinson demonstrates teen empowerment in this inspiring TED talk

GKIS Prevents Digital Injuries Like This: Brandon’s Story

January 1, 2014 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

In twenty years of clinical practice and parenting my own children, I’ve seen more and more families in crisis due to Internet safety issues. Parenting in the Digital Age can be so overwhelming! I created GetKidsInternetSafe.com to give parents sensible Internet safety parenting tips that work.

Searched “Dragon”

“Brandon” is a ten-year-old, gifted student. He loves fantasy books and has a few good friends at school. Team sports are not “his thing,” but he is in Tae Kwon Do in the winter and swim team in the summer with his parents’ insistence. Although brilliant, his grades usually slip mid-semester until his parents get after him to better track his homework and limit screen time. Recently, between his usual video games and YouTube surfing, Brandon decided to Google “DRAGON” for sketch ideas. This led him to a sadomasochistic chat room that he compulsively visited for the next two weeks until his parents discovered it. During that time, he made several “friends” with creepy adults who solicited sexual text exchanges and nude photos.

When his parents discovered what was happening they called the police, who then contacted the FBI. By the time they called me for help, they were hoping Brandon wouldn’t be charged with child pornography charges. More importantly, they worried this experience might change his thoughts and feelings about trust and sexuality forever. Brandon’s Internet compulsions left him titillated, ashamed, and confused.

Despite weeks of psychotherapy and increased supervision, Brandon is still distressed and can’t concentrate on his regular activities. He struggles with intrusive images and thoughts about violent sex, feels like he is forever different from his peers, and is worried about how this experience may affect his ability to have “normal” relationships. His symptoms are similar to what I see with children who’ve been molested.

Brandon’s parents, who are excellent parents honestly, are burdened with feeling alone, frightened, and saddened by the loss of their child’s normal pre-adolescent development. Tragedies like these are not often shared outside the walls of therapy, which is why I am sharing it. Brandon’s situation ended better than many other clients I see. In twenty years of clinical practice, I’ve never seen a more epidemic and distressing danger to child psychological health as unfiltered access to the Internet.*

Cognitive Dissonance

The psychological concept, cognitive dissonance, refers to a state of discomfort when one holds beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors that conflict with one another. When we feel this discomfort, we are driven to act in order to return to a state of cognitive consistency or harmony.

Out of my own cognitive dissonance about parenting and technology came GetKidsInternetSafe.com. Simply stated, parenting in the digital age is a difficult and confusing task. It’s time we get busy creating effective solutions rather than reacting AFTER our kids stumble into trouble; trouble that may stick with them forever. Although there are a lot of parents already doing a great job, it’s simply not enough. We need more effective education, intervention, and support on a massive scale. As a mother of three with a large age span in between them, I’m very aware of the dramatic changes in technology just in the last ten years. And just as I had to overhaul my parenting skills and house rules in regard to digital media, you likely do too.

Technology is an excellent tool, and our kids need to be proficient with it to thrive. And proficient they are, resulting in a digital generational divide and shift in power within the home never seen before in history, with our children’s impulsive frontal lobes at the wheel and parents running haphazardly behind trying to put out fires.

What are your fears about online play? How can I help?

Please comment on your concerns below. What are your top three fears? What’s worked for you? What hasn’t worked?

GetKidsInternetSafe.com is designed to help parents get control in an easy, educated, reasonable, effective way, BEFORE the fires are lit. Over the next several weeks, you will receive factual information about screen media and the Internet that will help you make better decisions about child technology use. In addition, I will provide you with tried-and-true parenting techniques to build more positive and cooperative relationships with your kids; no shaming lectures, no expensive and complex systems, just common sense ideas that work. Not only will you be better able to protect your children from inappropriate content, but they will be better prepared and more resilient for the content that leaks past the protective barriers.

I’m Dr. Tracy Bennett, the mom psychologist who will help you get smart about Internet safety. Tell your friends!

Onward to more awesome parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

*details and names are changed to preserve client confidentiality.

I love Ken Robinson’s take on creatively thinking outside of the box to help kids. Watch his TED talk.