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The Hidden Risks of Over-monitoring Kids Online

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Parents feel a heavy burden to protect their kids from online harm. Threats such as cyber-bullying, predators, and unwanted content are real, and it’s understandable to want to put tight restrictions in place. But what if the very tools we use to protect our children are creating unintended consequences? Over-monitoring can undermine trust, limit children’s development of independence and online resilience, and even expose privacy vulnerabilities. Here’s what the research shows and how parents can find the perfect balance.

Where did we go wrong?

66% of parents surveyed say that parenting is harder today than 20 years ago, and digital technology is to blame.[1] Parents monitor in a variety of ways, including limiting screen time, checking websites, requiring password access, using GPS tracking, and checking social media following/friending.[1] Yes, tighter supervision sounds like a necessary solution in a world full of endless apps, social networks, and online risks, but is it?

A study conducted by the University of Central Florida found that parental-control apps, which allow for deep monitoring of children’s online activities, were associated with more, not fewer, online risks for teens. More specifically, the study found that teens whose parents used these apps reported unwanted explicit content, online harassment, and sexual solicitations. This doesn’t mean monitoring caused the risks; instead, parents often turn to these apps because their teens are already encountering online issues. The researchers concluded that instead of building digital competence and trust, many of these apps fostered a control-heavy and distrusting family environment.[2] So, instead of turning to these apps for help, try Dr. Bennett’s Connected Family Course.

Another study of children’s apps found that even “family-friendly” apps often include trackers, location permissions, or mislabeling of age ratings.[4] Further, children and teens with over-monitoring parents saw their parents as intrusive and were more likely to hide, deceive, and intentionally misbehave.[4] All in all, when monitoring feels oppressive, kids may respond by hiding and lying rather than being open and honest.

What does that mean for parents?

If the goal is safety, forced online surveillance may undermine the trust between parent and child and may hinder the open and honest communication we should be working to establish. As we teach in our Screen Safety Essentials Course for families, just implementing controls isn’t enough. One of the most damaging costs of over-monitoring is to trust and self-regulation. When children know they are constantly being watched, they may feel that their parents don’t believe they are capable of making responsible choices. That can lead to secrecy, feelings of giving up on communicating openly, and a lack of connection or engagement with parents.

“Why tell mom and dad if they won’t believe me anyway?”

I found myself asking this exact question at 12 years old when I made my first Facebook account and kept it a secret. I didn’t want to get in trouble, and I wanted to connect with my friends outside of school. I felt left out. But, when I asked my mom if I could open my own account, she said no. When I asked her why, she had no answer. So, I took it upon myself to create an account anyway.

I lied about my age so that I could create the account without parental supervision, and I kept it a secret. I would use it when she was not paying attention. My intentions were pure, and I did use it to connect with friends. But, of course, like with all online platforms, creepy older men would try to befriend me or message me.

GetKidsInternetSafe’s mission is to improve parent-child relationships AND screen safety. Had my mom and I had access to the GKIS Social Media Readiness Course, we would have been able to find a safer middle ground for me to connect to my friends. Not only would I have learned more about screen safety and been better equipped to solve online problems independently, but my parents and I would have engaged in healthier conversations and maybe even gotten closer. Ultimately, I would have been prepared to protect myself from getting into a relationship with a 17-year-old. Read The Hidden Dangers of Online Grooming: I Was Only 13, to find out how my lack of preparation for having social media resulted in me forming a premature physical relationship with a young man who was four years older than me at that time.

How Can We Do Better?

One of the most effective ways to guide children safely online isn’t through hidden surveillance, but through connection, conversation, and shared agreements. When parents begin by listening to their children about what worries them, what they enjoy, and what feels out of control, they build a foundation of trust. That trust becomes the launch pad for screen-time guidelines, digital boundaries, and the kind of autonomy children need to develop resilience. GKIS emphasizes this approach through its Connected Family Screen Agreement, a free tool designed to invite open dialogue instead of enforcing silence. It helps kids understand why parents have concerns and utilize safety tools and techniques.

Instead of solely relying on rigid controls, the path to healthier online habits includes tools, skill-building, and gradual transition. GKIS’s Screen Safety Toolkit isn’t a spy-kit; it’s a resource for families to use as practical checklists, conversational prompts, and strategies to empower children rather than just restricting them.

By investing in tools like this, parents can shift from pushing their kids to secrecy to creating a trusting relationship through honest communication. This way, your child knows that they are safe, supported, and ready to navigate the digital world with you by their side.

 

Thanks to CSUCI intern, Elaha Qudratulla, for researching and sharing an important story about how online safety is more important than online policing.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

[1] https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/07/28/parenting-children-in-the-age-of-screens/

[2] https://www.ucf.edu/news/apps-keep-children-safe-online-may-counterproductive/

[3] https://arxiv.org/pdf/2303.09008

[4] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0140197117302051

 

Photos Cited

[1] Rizki Kurniawan

[2] Marten Newhall

[3] Tasha Kostyuk

[4] Vitaly Gariev

https://unsplash.com/

Off the Phone and On the Soccer Field: My Cure for Digital Disconnection

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Kids crave connection. Face-to-face interaction and emotional closeness are vital for healthy development—particularly for adolescents.[1] Screen time offers shallow connections and distracts kids from those unpleasant cravings. It also keeps kids so busy that they don’t seek the connection they so desperately need. What if they didn’t have to be so lonely? What if there was a way they could be off their screens, doing something good for their health, and making friends at the same time?  For me, that was playing sports.

The Seed Was Planted

As a child, I was most excited to hang out with my friends, be on my phone, watch TV, or eat sweets, in that order. That was until I joined a team sport.

It all started when my mother asked me if I wanted to join the local soccer team. I was nine years old and against the idea because I didn’t want it to cut into cartoon time on the weekends, and had we gone through the Screen Safety Essentials Course, we wouldn’t have worried so much about the impact of screens on us. But she insisted. I only agreed because my favorite cousins were on the team.

I learned from the first practice that I loved the intense physical activity of soccer, and after a while, I began to really get the hang of it. I felt proud and accomplished. I made great friends on the team. We loved team bonding activities and even began to hang out outside of practice. I loved it so much, I gave it my all and looked forward to it all week.

By high school, I had won medals and genuinely felt like I was good at the sport. I received praise and encouragement for all of my efforts and hard work. It also inspired me to work hard in other aspects of my life. I tried harder in school, was friendlier with classmates, more obedient in class, and more eager to participate in the learning process. According to Project Play, high school athletes are more likely to further their education and even receive higher grades in college.[2] I started seeing everything in the world as a skill waiting to be attained, something that required courage, effort, and training.

Having that view of the world helped me when I sprained my ankle right before the start of my freshman season. While recovering, I could have easily scrolled through Snapchat and Instagram endlessly. But I wanted to make sure I continued to build the bond with my teammates for when I returned. It taught me to wait my turn, keep a positive attitude, remain patient, and support others as they shine. As soon as I recovered, my teammates were more than happy to catch me up to speed, and I rebuilt my strength.

Core Memories That Last

One of my most memorable moments taught me something I will never forget. It was my junior year; we were tied 0-0, with a minute left in the game. My team was exhausted, but as captain, I knew this is where my job was most important. I dribbled the ball up the center, dodging two midfielders and one defender, set it up for my left forward, and yelled, “SHOOT!” She shot and sent it straight into the upper right corner of the goal. Everyone who was there to support us was on their feet, our coaches were throwing their clipboards in the air and hugging each other, and our teammates ran to us for a celebratory hug and a jump around. We spent the last 15 seconds of that game with tears in our eyes and joy in our hearts. We had just beaten a 40-year record for our school!

This is when I realized this would have a lifelong impact on me. It was one of those moments that I’ll look back on happily. It was a lifetime of preparation to become someone people could rely on when things got tough and hope felt lost. It was the moment I truly understood what being a leader meant to me and the impact it had on others.

I hugged and thanked my mother for signing me up for soccer at nine years old. She introduced me to the first love of my life, and I would forever be grateful for that. From then on, I never doubted my abilities to get something done, never lost confidence in myself, and never hurt someone without apologizing or broke something without trying to replace it.

The Impact of The Beautiful Game

Project Play reports that sports, in particular, can positively impact aspects of personal development among young people, keep them away from harmful substances, and encourage cognitive, educational, and mental health benefits.[2] I believe my experience of playing soccer was so much more than just a fun sport or a way to stay active, although both are tried and true. It was a refinement of my character, it was a positive shift in how I viewed the world and myself in it, it was what taught me that rejection was just redirection, and it was a way to build and maintain connections with people I am still close to, at 27 years old.

Why Everyone Should Play Sports

Participation in sports can protect against the development of mental health disorders.[4] These benefits include lowering stress levels, rates of anxiety and depression.[5]Lifelong participation in sports leads to improved mental health outcomes and even immediate psychological benefits which continue long after participation is over with. The improve self-confidence, encourage creativity, and nurture a higher self-esteem. Statistically, adolescents who play sports are eight times more likely to be physically active at age 24.[3]


Thanks to CSUCI intern, Elaha Qudratulla, for sharing an important story about how beneficial playing sports were for her then and how it still helps her today.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

 

Works Cited:

[1] https://www.uvpediatrics.com/topics/alone-together-how-smartphones-and-social-media-contribute-to-social-deprivation-in-youth

[2] https://projectplay.org/youth-sports/facts/benefits

[3] https://odphp.health.gov/sites/default/files/2020-09/YSS_Report_OnePager_2020-08-31_web.pdf

[4] https://baca.org/blog/does-playing-organized-youth-sports-have-an-impact-on-adult-mental-health/

[5] https://pce.sandiego.edu/child-development-through-sports/

Photos Cited:

[Header] Eva Wahyuni on UnSplash

[2] Olivia Hibbins on UnSplash

[3] Elaha Qudratulla

[4] Jeffrey F Lin on UnSplash

[5] Elaha Qudratulla

https://unsplash.com/

Netflix Documentary, Bad Influencer, Exposes Parent Producer Abusing Child Influencers

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We were hunters and gatherers for 90% of human existence. That means our brains are still wired to prioritize the things that kept us alive when we were living on the land, before the domestication of animals and the construction of cities. One thing that kept us alive was living in a tribe and cooperating. Attracting a tribe and fitting in was a requirement of life. That is why kids and teens are hyper-focused on doing what their friends do and working to be cool and accepted. Online influencers count on this drive to maintain their income streams. One way to attract kids online is to be a kid doing what kids love to do, playing with toys and video games, opening new packages, and hanging out with friends acting goofy. Netflix’s Bad Influencer offers a glimpse of the kid influencer “scene,” and the lengths that some parents will go to attract and keep a following.

What is Bad Influence about?

The limited documentary series has gone viral for good reason. It’s definitely entertaining, but also deeply unsettling. It is a perfect way to raise awareness about how scary a life all about social media can be. Bad Influencer is a documentary that focuses on a tween who becomes an overnight social media star and brings her friends to stardom with her. What started out as a fun hobby quickly turned into a living nightmare. It may seem glamorous to be famous online, until you learn that the child influencers spent the majority of their childhoods working long hours acting out video ideas, risky stunts, and performing pranks that sometimes went too far—all under the pressure of adult producers/parents hungry for views. Check out Intimacy With Minors Encouraged at the Hype House for a similar story of underage exploitation.

SPOILER ALERT: The show takes a chilling turn when the mother of the main character is accused of, and videotaped, sexually exploiting these kids on set by positioning herself as one of the only adults supervising them to control them. Some survived the battle with only a few scars, while the main character is stuck living this nightmare over and over again. It may be funny, exaggerated, and attention-grabbing, but it also paints a dark picture of a digital world where clout matters more than character and children are left to pay the price.

Psychology Behind the Fame Obsession

From a psychological point of view, being an influencer is cool to children because they have a natural need for validation, attention, and social connection.[1] Although the minimum age on most social media platforms is 13, it is reported that children ranging from 8-17 are found scrolling through online platforms soaking up content too mature for their ages.[2] Sadly, unlike real-world relationships, social media platforms offer fast, unfiltered dopamine hits through likes, shares, and views. Without proper guidance, this can make kids tie their self-worth to online numbers, which can result in low self-esteem, fear of missing out (FOMO), performance anxiety, and digital addiction.[3] As a result of social unlimited social media usage, kids can also experience anxiety, depression, and even poor quality of sleep.[4] Counteract this monster and help your child build emotional resilience, red flag awareness, and digital literacy by taking our GKIS Social Media Readiness Training Course. Geared for teens or tweens, it’s the perfect giftbefore that new device or video game.

What You Can Do to Help

Bad Influencer is not just a show; it’s a cautionary tale that shares the pressures kids face online every day. It is easy to get off topic and want to pull the plug on all electronics just to protect your child from their dangers, but that is not always possible. Technology and online platforms are all around us, and it is better to set your child up for success than to try to keep them out of the loop. Connecting with your child over what they find interesting can help create a trusting relationship where you can notice if things start to become a little off. Our free Connected Family Screen Agreement can help you and your child co-create rules around how to safely navigate online platforms. This way your child can thrive in the digital age without losing themselves in it.

 

Thanks to CSUCI intern, Elaha Qudratulla for researching and co-writing this article.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe. Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

[1] https://genomind.com/patients/the-social-media-dilemma-how-childrens-mental-health-may-be-affected/
[2] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37721985/
[3] https://startmywellness.com/2025/02/how-social-media-affects-mental-health/
[4] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11641642/

Photo Credits

[Header] freestock on Unsplash
[2] Leonardo David on Unsplash
[3] Sanket Mishra on Unsplash
[4] Cande Westh on Unsplash
https://unsplash.com/

A Teen’s Addicts Confessions About Online Workarounds

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Imagine discovering that the “innocent” cartoon emoji pinging on your teen’s phone is not harmless fun, but instead a secret drug deal? To help you recognize dangerous dealings, I interviewed a recovering addict whose parents had no idea what he was up to until it was too late. With our Screen Safety Toolkit, you can get a head start with screen safety and prevention. The Screen Safety Toolkit is a resource guide that includes our best recommendations, how-to information, and easy links to our favorite easy-to-onboard parental control systems. Today’s GKIS article shares the true story of a young addict’s emoji workarounds, how to spot dangerous online dealings, and offers great tips to maintain your children’s safety when interacting online.

What are emojis?

Emojis are small digital icons that are readily available on screen devices. Emojis range from facial expressions to common objects, places, animals, and more. According to a report from the emotional marketing platform Emogi, about 92% of online users use emojis.[1,2]

The Pros and Cons of Emoji use

Pros

Emojis add fun and excitement to conversations and social media posts- help convey emotions in online chats. They are particularly helpful because of the lack of nonverbal cues online, such as body language or facial expressions. For example, testing “sure.” suggests annoyance, while “sure 😊” suggests happy agreement.[3]

Cons

Although emojis were originally intended to represent simple concepts, teenagers also use these symbols for encrypted messages about drugs and other illicit activities. Encrypted emoji messages enable life-threatening drugs to reach communities faster, easier, and cheaper.

 

At a glance, a conversation on your child’s phone may appear to be about being at the gas station but instead is about buying marijuana laced with fentanyl, a synthetic opioid that is 80-100 times stronger than morphine.[4,5,7,8]

How to Tell if Emojis are Indicative of Illicit Drug Use

According to the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA), the use of emojis alone should not be indicative of illegal activity. Concerns should be raised if the use of emojis is simultaneously accompanied by changes in behavior or appearance or a significant loss or increase in income. The DEA has even published drug decoding sheets for the public’s awareness.[4,6]

A Young Addicts Story

To better understand the workarounds of encrypted messaging, I  interviewed a recovering addict. He reported that when he first started his drug use, he would use specific social media platforms to help keep his drug addiction a secret from family and friends.

Here are the tips he revealed:

Snapchat

The DEA reports that Snapchat is the number one social media platform for online drug activity, and my contact confirms that he and his dealers used it too. He explained that Snapchat is an application where people can keep conversations hidden. Snapchat has specific settings that allow users to quickly view pictures, videos, or messages that will disappear after viewing.

Privacy settings on Snapchat also allow users to ensure that only specific people can view what they refer to as “stories.” The young addict remembers his drug dealers adding him as a friend on Snapchat. From there he would track emoji-coded advertisements on their “stories” that revealed which drugs were available for sale.[6]

Venmo

Venmo was another platform that was used by the young addict. Venmo is an application that allows money transfers between users. LendEDU revealed that nearly 1/3 of their survey participants admitted to using this app to pay for drugs.

My interviewee admitted that this was not initially the way he paid for his drug transactions. Instead, before gaining the trust of his drug dealers, they’d come to his home to drop off the drugs and receive payment in only cash after sending an emoji encrypted text that they were outside. His mother reports being very scared to find out that her son’s drug dealers knew where their family lived, which made her reluctant to report the drug dealer to law enforcement officials despite figuring out his identity.[9]

Encoded Texts

The mother I interviewed confirmed that encrypted text messages are a useful way to suppress adult suspicion. She explained that, if it were not for other indicative factors like his drastic weight loss, mood swings, and incomes loss she would have never expected phrases such as, “Do you have kitty cat?” to be an encrypted message referring to the drug ketamine. She remembers seeing other emoji codes and “cute names” for drugs, but not giving them much attention initially. She said she was overwhelmed trying to research on how to stop dangerous online conversations and seek the help he needed.

If you worry things are getting by you, let go of the guilt and let us do the research for you! Researching digital safety tools is overwhelming! But lucky for you, we’ve made it easy. Our GKIS Screen Safety Toolkit is a resource guide perfect for those that need smart tech tools for filtering, monitoring, and management plus some time to find workarounds.

Steps to Protect Teens from the Online Drug World

GKIS Connected Family Course

Dr. Bennett recognizes that it’s no longer possible to live a screen-free lifestyle or monitor 100% of the time. And it can be terrifying to know that kids can become victims of online predators and drug dealers. Our family-tested and outcome-based course helps you close screen risk gaps and improve family cooperation and closeness. Check it out to minimize risks and have easier dialogues for better parent-child relationships.

GKIS Social Media Readiness Training

Teen curiosity online can be dangerous and teens don’t always make sound decisions due to lack of experience and poor impulse control. Our GKIS Social Media Readiness Course allows teens an opportunity to start taking accountability for their actions online and become proactive instead of reactive.

GKIS Online Safety Red Flags For Parents

The story of the young addict demonstrates how parents can easily miss indications of digital injury and serious problems. Teenagers are becoming more innovative on how to keep their parents in the dark, such as emoji encrypted messages. With our GKIS Online Safety Red Flags For Parents, parents will learn what behavioral red flags they should be on the lookout for that may signal that a child is suffering from a digital injury.


Thanks to CSUCI intern Ashley Salazar for researching and co-authoring this article. If you suspect your loved one is struggling with substance abuse, please reach out for help. Contact your health insurance carrier or call SAMHSA’s National helpline for more resources and advice.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

 

Works Cited

[1] Da Costa, A. (2021). What are Emojis How and When to Use Them. G Post.https://www.groovypost.com/howto/what-are-emojis-how-and-when-to-use-them/

[2]Shaul, B. (2015) Report 92% of Online Consumers Use Emoji (Infographic). Social Pro Daily. https://www.adweek.com/performance-marketing/report-92-of-online-consumers-use-emoji-infographic/

[3]Richards, M. (2019) The Importance of Emojis. Eternity. https://eternitymarketing.com/blog/the-importance-of-emojis

[4] Department of Justice Drug Enforcement Administration. (n.d.) Emoji Drug Code Decoded. One Pill Can Kill. https://www.dea.gov/sites/default/files/2021-12/Emoji%20Drug%20Code%20PDF_Final.pdf

[5] Alabama News Network Staff. (2020). What the Tech? The Secret Sex and Drug Messages Behind Some Emoji. https://www.alabamanews.net/2020/09/04/what-the-tech-the-secret-sex-and-drug-messages-behind-some-emoji/

[6] Jaeger, K. (2021) DEA Wants To Help Parents Decode The Emojis Young People Use To Discuss Marijuana And Other “Bomb Ass” Drugs. https://www.marijuanamoment.net/dea-wants-to-help-parents-decode-the-emojis-young-people-use-to-discuss-marijuana-and-other-bomb-ass-drugs/

[7] DEA United States Drug Enforcement Administration. (n.d.) Fentanyl. https://www.dea.gov/factsheets/fentanyl

[8]Department of Justice/Drug Enforcement Administration. (n.d.) Counterfeit Pills. https://www.dea.gov/sites/default/files/2021-05/Counterfeit%20Pills%20fact%20SHEET-5-13-21-FINAL.pdf

[9] One-Third of Millenials Are Using Venmo to Buy Drugs (2017) Mountainside.

https://mountainside.com/blog/drug-addiction/one-third-of-millennials-are-using-venmo-to-buy-drugs/

Photo Credits

Photo by Domingo Alvarez E (https://unsplash.com/photos/Cs3y8Mn6-Gk)

Photo by Sam Williams (https://unsplash.com/photos/H0nmXTsrxE0)

Photo by Collin Davis (https://unsplash.com/photos/c3m56pq0J1M)http://https://unsplash.com/photos/Cs3y8Mn6-Gk

5 Myths About Internet Safety

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bigstock-child-using-laptop-16872

Originally published by AdmireMoms

I’m a psychologist, a university lecturer, and a mom. Guess which job is the hardest? I’m not going to say that establishing screen safety in your home is easy. But I will say that, with support like GetKidsInternetSafe and plans like those in my Screen Safety Toolkit it’s totally doable and mega important. The fallout I see in my clinical office from poor safety planning is truly tragic. If you’re telling yourself one of these 5 myths, I encourage you to take some time and flush out an effective screen safety plan. You will rest so much easier once you do. On to the 5 myths I too often hear about Internet safety.

 

I SURVIVED IT, SO WILL THEY

When I think back about my childhood I grimace about the seven shades of peril I was often in. As latch key kids roaming the neighborhood in hoards, we were mostly in danger of falling out of trees and talking to strangers. Yes abduction was a concern, but neighbors were ever watchful and quick to reprimand us and tell our parents when we stepped out of line. (Sorry about the ding-dong ditching and prank calls Mr. and Mrs. Wong).

As an Internet safety expert and clinical psychologist, the online peril kids face today is far more insidious than that of yesteryear. Online predators don’t drive up and grab kids off the street. Instead they stalk them virtually on social media and chat rooms. With slow, steady contact they can gather a shocking amount of personal information that they utilize to form a relationship. They don’t need to grab them, the kids are coerced to come to them. Sprinkle in other risks like cybersecurity, exposure to inappropriate violent and sexual content, and cyberbullying and one can easily see online risks are real. This isn’t falling out of trees and reading your cousin’s Playboy magazine anymore.

 

WE TALKED ABOUT IT, SO NOW THEY KNOW BETTER

Education is an awesome first step to good online problem solving and resilience. But it isn’t enough. Kids may seem wise with their bravado and impressive technology expertise, but they’re not great at recognizing future consequence.

There’s a good reason for that. In the first 25 years of life the brain is undergoing massive remodeling. Brain cells that aren’t being used are dying off while others grow in synchronized and preplanned patterns among various brain regions. As a result, specialized skills emerge with each developmental phase.

The prefrontal region of the brain, the seat of judgment and problem solving, is among the last to mature. That means that kids don’t have the brain wiring to reason through complex online social situations, even if they’ve been told of the risks. Parents need to be present and alert every day to make up for those deficits and help them build resiliency skills throughout childhood. It’s a process rather than a one-time intervention.

 

IF I DON’T ALLOW IT, THEY’LL SNEAK IT ANYWAY

Let’s be honest, that’s a cop out. Yes it’s intimidating to program parental controls on screen devices and set up screen safety rules and structure, but the risk of letting this go is simply too high. I treat middle schoolers addicted to porn and high schoolers flunking out due to sleep deprivation from gaming and social media, among other serious problems. GetKidsInternetSafeis my way of supporting families preventively rather than treating issues after the fact. If done right, sneaking and hacking won’t undo the benefits. Parents need to do their jobs well to protect kids effectively. With support, screen safety is not as hard as most parents think.

 

EVERYBODY’S DOING IT, IT’S JUST THE TIMES

It does seem like everybody’s doing it, but that doesn’t mean your kids should. Overly restricting technology will interfere with your children’s academic and social well being, and so will being too permissive with screen media. It’s worth being that parentwho commits to a strategy and negotiates it actively as your children grow. That kind of active, warm, fun engagement also strengthens the parent-child relationship. When they see how awesome your kids are doing, other parents will follow your lead. That means your children’s friends will also be less likely to browse into trouble.

 

PARENTAL CONTROLS FILTER ADEQUATELY, PLUS I CHECK THEIR BROWSER HISTORY. I’M GOOD ON SCREEN SAFETY.

Of man . . . if only. Tech is getting more sophisticated and user friendly for sure, but nothing beats old-fashioned human ingenuity to come up with work arounds. The truth is, inappropriate content will show up on your children’s screens. It just will. Recently a teacher friend told me a story that she was looking up “big mouth bass” with a bunch of first graders, and by some horrifying stroke of the key an explicit body part filled the screen. She mimed what it was like to slap at the keyboard while launching her body in front of the screen, all while trying not to scream hysterically. This followed by several uncomfortable telephone conversations with, thankfully, understanding parents.

So what can we do? Build a powerful parent-child relationship, set up filtering and monitoring tech, and develop innovative parenting strategies to keep screen use moderate and safe. No need to be overly restrictive or overly permissive. And as a mom and psychologist, I urge honesty and transparency. Don’t risk losing your credibility by spying and ambushing your kids with online discoveries. Let them know from the beginning that you love them enough to be engaged with their nonvirtual AND virtual selves.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Hey Dad, Your Twelve Year-Old Daughter Has a “Nude Out”

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blogbc11-sadteen Originally published by The Good Men Project

You’re reading with the hopes that this is one of those bait-and-switch sensational articles, right? Oh how I wish that was true. Unfortunately, I have run across a phenomenon that few parents know about, and those that do are too ashamed to tell anybody. The ugly truth is that middle school girls, with their immature frontal lobes and tender insecurities, are trying to attract high school boys by texting them sexy images of their blossoming private parts. It’s like they’ve invented an unregulated child porn matchmaking profile that doesn’t even have privacy settings, terms of agreement, or the option to delete the profile. Just a CLICK and SEND and your daughter’s catastrophically nude profile image is available to everybody everywhere forever, no take-backs. Thirty seconds of bad judgment at twelve years old launches a nightmare digital footprint and sullied online reputation. Ouch!

And what about the boys? They enthusiastically log in to this mess too. Some become expert at grooming the girls to send the sexy photos which they then share with their “boyz” on the wrestling team for quickly growing “<city name> nudes exposed!” collections. And to make things more horrifying, the boldest of the boys proudly share their name lists of the virginity prizes personally collected from girls they intentionally targeted who were too young to know any better. Fifteen minutes and these young women have exposed their vulnerabilities, their reputations, and the essence of their true potential. It’s like these teens lost their minds and logged in for an on- and off-line pimp-prostitute internship program. All that was needed was a mobile phone with texting ability and a misguided sense of adventure.

How do I know this? Because I’m a psychologist and the teens I see tell me the shameful truth, all of it; the truths that trigger pride, shame, sadness, and desperation. They tell me all about how they “released their nude” when they turned 12 years old in order to attract attention from the older boys. Or how they were duped into it by the soothing promises from entrepreneurial Romeos, only to find out later that they were lied to and it had been shared over text to the high school football team. There’s also the confessions from the boys that get their “ah-ha! I was being a dirt bag” moment when their frontal lobes come online later in high school. And believe it or not, both genders are capable of being predatory on the other. I hear what most parents don’t know.

I remember the first session when I realized this was a thing. I was seeing a beautiful eighth grade girl who was starting to get it and was lamenting about her best friend who purposely “put a nude out” when she was 11 year old. At 15 years old, the friend was bizarrely proud of it being re-released via text to “everyone in the county” four years later. My client guessed it was the fourth mass texting of the image. I sat there, horrified and dumbfounded, assessing my ethical requirements to the teens involved and my community in general. As a mother, I began visualizing the creation of a blueprint for Rapunzel’s tower in our backyard for my kids, screen-media-free.

So much of my young client’s disclosure made me deeply upset for everybody involved. I was saddened that children this young had already learned how to use and exploit sexuality as a cheap commodity. I was saddened that these kids broker power through contemptuous attention catamount to social media “likes.” I was saddened that there was an army of teenagers willing to receive these tragic misperceptions of self worth. And I was furious that some actively groomed their victims to build a sick collection of lost innocence with no more thought than they gave to their Pokémon collections six months earlier. Keep in mind that in many cases these releases are consensual, while in others coerced.

I imagine you’re thinking, “What kind of amoral community does this writer live in anyway? My kids would NEVER do that!” Right? I’m sorry to tell you that I live in the same community you do. This is not an isolated phenomenon. Participants come from all types of families, families of all income levels and religions with great parents and slack parents. Short of raising your child in a stone tower, there is no family situation where your parenting supervision cannot be breached.

Of course there are situations where children tend to be the most vulnerable. But the temptation is there for even the most well adjusted kids. And to make things even more concerning, this pimp-prostitute culture does not always end by college age. The media is rampant with stories of fraternity houses that have private Facebook pages littered with nude photos of non-consenting women and blatant drug deals, not to mention social media and hookup dating sites flooded with sexual trolling. Like it or not, the young have their own culture of sexuality that is different from their parents.

What has led us here? Is it the unregulated Wild West atmosphere of the Internet? Perhaps it is the moral decay of the Western culture? Perhaps it is the accumulation of sexualization and objectification of women splashed throughout popular culture over decades? Are permissive parents to blame or the rapid technological developments we simply cannot keep up with? And more importantly, what is going to lead us out?

My university students and I discuss this often, and I think you would be surprised how many advocate for mass regulation and filtering while I wonder about the sincerity of their self-righteousness. Because like them, I am conflicted about what makes up our “rights” for online liberties balanced with personal vulgarity and decency standards. Until our legislators are able to fully secure online child pornography portals, some which apparently begin in our own unsuspecting homes, parents must get serious about becoming informed and taking real action. And believe it or not, waiting until your child reaches the teen years to do this is simply too late.

I created GetKidsInternetSafe (GKIS) to provide sensible support and easy-to-implement guides for parents at all stages of the game. After all, the fantasy of locking your child out of technology is simply not realistic. Whether you have a toddler just starting to clamor for her tablet, an elementary schooler playing his first video game, a middle schooler begging for social media, or a high schooler who’s already technologically fluent, it is imperative that you become fluent in screen media activities.

With the help of GKIS, you can become informed, educate your children and set expectations about digital citizenship and online reputation, create a family dialogue about GKIS screen smarts, stage your home, filter and block online portals, set up sensible GKIS family rules and regulations, and most important of all, become your child’s trusted ally and guide should they stumble into an on or offline tangle. Too busy or overwhelmed by the task? Let GKIS be your guide.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

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