sexting

How Texting Can Turn To Sexting in the Blink of an Eye

December 14, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

With smartphones everywhere, it’s not a surprise that teens prefer texting to other types of communication. As with all new technologies, there are risks and benefits. The risks that come with new technologies is why GKIS created the Cybersecurity and Red Flags Supplement for in depth guidance on what to look out for in our kids’ online worlds. Texting offers a quick and efficient way to communicate, but it has also brought a new type of messaging with it; sexting. Sexting is a form of texting, but it includes sexually explicit pictures, videos, or text messages. Seventy-five percent of teens between the ages of twelve and seventeen own a smartphone, making sexting an all too convenient option (Judge, 2012).

As the mother of an eleven year-old daughter who has her own smartphone and mainly communicates via texting, the thought of her participating in sexting is gut wrenching. Surveys reveal that 20% of teens between the ages of thirteen and nineteen have sent some type of sexually explicit message, with 38% reported having received a sexually explicit message as the intended or unintended recipient. Those who sext are associated with a higher risk of unsafe sexual behavior including having more sexual partners, not using protection during sexual intercourse, and drinking alcohol or some other substance before sexting/sex than those who have not (Judge, 2012).

As a mom I NEED to know how my child may be influenced into sexting, what those consequences may be, and how to prevent it!

How sexting starts

If a teen has access to their smartphone in their bedroom and out of their parent’s sight, what starts off as innocent texting with their crush or friend, can slowly turn into something else. I was at a presentation given by Dr. Tracy Bennett, CEO of GetKidsInternetSafe, and she explained how texting could lead to sexting. She elaborated,

“One night your child may be texting at night with her crush. He asks, “What are you wearing?” Your child responds, “My jammies.” Her crush begs, “Let me see.” Innocent right? Well night after night, these pictures can start to show less and less of the jammies and more and more bare skin. Boom! Your child has just sent her first sext message.” Slowly manipulating a child’s online behavior this way is called grooming.

The social norm among the friends your teen hangs out with on-and off-line may also encourage sexting behavior. Recent surveys found that up to 40% of child pornography images (Dr. Bennett prefers to call these “images of child sexual assault”) are self-produced, partly due to the emergence of young teens viewing online pornography and gradually mimicking sexualized behavior. Not only are teens producing their own pornographic content, but it is also being shared widely on the World Wide Web by pedophiles.

It’s easy for teens to succumb to online peer pressure and sexual grooming, because their prefrontal cortexes are not fully developed yet. The prefrontal region of the brain does not finish developing until a person is about 25 years old. This is the part of the brain that is responsible for skills like decision making, impulse control, and understanding the consequences of one’s actions. With a poorly developed prefrontal region, sexual drives and interests peaking, and smartphones constantly in-hand, teens are well primed to sexually act out online (Judge, 2012 & Ouystel, et al, 2015).

What consequences are associated with sexting?

One consequence of sending a sext is that consensual sexting can turn into coercion and aggravated sexting, commonly called sextortion. Once a teen has sent a sext, it may be impossible to get back or deleted. The once-trusted recipient can turn on the sender by using it as blackmail for extorting more explicit pictures from the sender. Common blackmail threats include telling parents or authority figures or sharing or uploading the images online where virtually anyone can gain access to it. This kind of behavior is called revenge porn.

You may also find it shocking that there are many revenge porn sites up and running. Online 26 states have revenge porn laws in place, and 11 others have laws pending. However, each state’s protection is different. For instance, California’s revenge porn laws are only enforceable when somebody other than the victim captured the image.

As you can imagine, sextortion can cause extreme emotional distress to the victim by arousing feelings of fear and anxiety that the blackmailer will follow through with their threats, or feelings of guilt for sending the photo in the first place. Furthermore, imagine being a teenager walking the main hall of high school wondering who has seen your images or commented among friends. The opportunity for cyberbullying and public shaming raises exponentially with nude and semi-nude images for the sharing.

Researchers report that sexting is being associated with high-risk sexual behaviors such as having unprotected sex with more partners than those who do not sext. A theory as to why this happens is sexting is viewed by some as a new way to flirt and gives the illusion that you “know” someone intimately, therefore making it easier to engage in sexual activity sooner than intended. Sexting can also serve as an icebreaker within the dating scene (Ouytset, et al., 2015 & Benotsch, 2010)

Some states view sexting as child pornography and even minor violators (browsers, sharers, and producers) are prosecuted. Ultimately that means the potential that a sexting teen could be included on a public sex offender list. Can you imagine your thirteen year old in that kind of jeopardy?

How can you prevent your child from sexting?

The most powerful methods of prevention continue to be a powerful collaborative and honest relationship between parents, educators, and kids and workaround- proof filtering and monitoring. Knowing what your children are viewing online, who they are talking to, and being aware of what they are sending and receiving is critical to decrease online risky behaviors. Not only must parents teach kids about online risk, but they must also teach problem solving and assertiveness skills to build the necessary resilience should online temptation arise. And most importantly, implement the kind of rules and regulations offered in the GKIS Connected Family Online Course. These suggestions are easy to implement and powerfully effective.

Thank you to Kathleen Gulden, CSUCI intern, for authoring this awesome GKIS article!

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works cited

Benotsch, E., Snipes. D., Martin, A., & Bull, S., (2013). Sexting, substance use, and sexual risk behavior is young adults. Journal of Adolescent Health, 52 (3), 307-313.

Judge, A., (2012).”Sexting” among US. Adolescents: Psychological and legal perspectives. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 20 (2), 86-96

Van Ouytsel, J., Walrave,M., Ponnet, K., & Heirman, W. (2015). The association between adolescent sexting, psychosocial difficulties, nd risk behavior: Intergrative review. The Journal of School Nursing,31(1), 54-69.

The GKIS Sensible Parent’s Guide to Kik

December 13, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

It’s every teen’s dream to have unmonitored texting through WiFi, without having to ask parent permission or use expensive data. With instant messaging apps like Kik, all you need is an Internet-connected screen device and, voila, there’s your private Internet portal. Kik is most commonly used among middle schoolers, which translates to online teen hijinks, some innocent and some not-so-innocent. Apps like these are why screen safety agreements among parents and their teens are so vital. My Screen Safety Toolkit is a great instrument for navigating how to monitor your child without hurting your relationship.

What is Kik?

Kik is a free mobile application that is used for instant messaging (IM). It is most commonly used on handheld screen media that connect to WiFi (like smartphones, iPods, and tablets). A Kik account allows the user to send and receive messages with other Kik users. It’s similar to texting, but instead of using “minutes” or a data plan, it sends messages through WiFi. Kik’s Terms of Service state that users must be 13 years or older.

What are Kik’s popular features?

Kik looks and acts like a basic SMS text messaging function.
You can invite friends or family to use Kik through text, social media, or email.
Just like regular text messaging, you will receive notifications when your messages were sent and delivered. Not only can you tell when someone has received your message, but you can also see when they have read it and are typing back.
You can send pictures, videos, and texts to peers or even strangers.
The main page when you open the app is a list of your Kik conversations.

What are the privacy options?

Kik has limited privacy settings.
I recommend that you only tell people you know your personal username. To keep it private, do NOT post it on any other social media sites where strangers may see it.
You have the ability to block users (searched by username or name) if you are being cyberbullied. Simply go to “Chat Settings,” then select “Block List.”

How long has it been around and how popular is it?

Kik became available to the public in October 2010. In just two weeks it had about one million users.
Popular among teenagers, most young adults don’t use this application, due to the fact that most of them already use texting that’s provided with data plans.

What are the risks for use?

Cyberbully potential:

Due to the fact that Kik messages do not show up on wireless plans like text messaging, it makes it easier for the kids to send hurtful messages.
Cyberbullying commonly occurs with Kik.

- If an enemy from school gets your username they may message you on Kik and send you insults or threats. For example, there are many reports about Kik users receiving messages telling them they should just die because no one cares about them.
- Rebecca Sedwick was a twelve year-old girl who was bullied on Kik. Her mother was unaware of the Kik app even though she would sometimes go through her phone. Rebecca had posted photos of herself cutting her arms. Peers responded asking her why she was even alive, calling her names. Before committing suicide she changed her Kik name to, “That Dead Girl.”

Making poor decisions:

It’s possible to have conversations with strangers on Kik, making connection with an online predator dangerously easy.
Sexting is a risk with this Kik.

Inappropriate content potential:

Due to sexting, Kik users may receive graphic photos from peers or strangers.
Drug deals and sex hookups are common on Kik.
Parental monitoring is difficult because chats can easily be deleted.

Due to the potential for unmonitorable interaction with peers and strangers and difficulty with monitoring, GetKidsInternetSafe classifies Kik as a red light app. The anonymity and easy delete potential can lead to dangerous conversations. To learn more about the social media applications your child may be using, check out a The GetKidsInternetSafe Sensible Parent’s Guide to Tumblr.

Thank you to CSUCI intern Adrienne Roy-Gasper for co-authoring this article.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo Credit:

Informal Gluttony by Kat Northern Lights Man, CC BY-NC 2.0

Cyberbullying, would you do it? by kid-josh, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Pro Juventute Aufklärungskampagne ‚Sexting’ Themenbild_04, CC BY 2.0

Cañon City Kids Say Sexting “Is Just Nudity!” Well Mom and Dad, Is It?

November 11, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Did you see the headlines about Cañon City, Colorado that flooded the press this weekend about a sexting scandal that involved over a hundred middle school and high school students and 300-400 nude sexting images? I honestly hate to say it, but I told you so.

I founded GetKidsInternetSafe.com because I was worried about my kids. I was hearing the secrets and seeing the sad fallout from sketchy screen use from kids in my psychology office. And I’m not just talking about a semi-nude selfie here and there. I’m talking about incidents that leave kids shattered, humiliated, and sexually assaulted. Of course not every kid using screen media will experience tragedy. But as we are seeing from this incident, there are smoking guns everywhere and parents are unable or unwilling to protect their kids adequately.

Here is the true sexting story that I released in April (which got over 17.2k FaceBook shares thanks to The Good Men Project), because I felt such urgency that somebody needed to let parents know they had a problem. Sound familiar?

I have run across a phenomenon that few parents know about, and those that do are too ashamed to tell anybody. The ugly truth is that middle school girls are trying to attract high school boys by texting them sexy images of their blossoming private parts. It’s like Tinder for Teens but worse, no app needed and fewer safety features. Just a CLICK and SEND and your child’s nude image is available to everybody everywhere forever, no take-backs. Thirty seconds of bad judgment at eleven years old launches a nightmare digital footprint and sullied online reputation. Take five seconds and imagine that. Ouch!

It’s not just the girls in jeopardy. The boys enthusiastically log in to this mess too. Some become expert at grooming the girls to send the sexy photos, which they then share with their “boyz” for quickly growing “<city name> nudes exposed!” collections. And to make things more horrifying, the boldest of the boys proudly share their name lists of the virginity prizes personally collected from girls they intentionally targeted who were too young to know any better. Fifteen minutes and these young women have exposed their vulnerabilities, their reputations, and the essence of their true potential. It’s like these teens lost their minds and logged in for an on- and off-line pimp-prostitute internship program. All that was needed was a mobile phone with texting ability and a misguided sense of sexy adventure.

How do I know this? Because I’m a psychologist and the teens I see tell me the shameful truth, all of it; the truths that trigger titillation, pride, shame, sadness, and desperation. They tell me all about how they “released their nude” when they were 12 years old in order to attract attention from the older boys. Or how they were duped into it by promises from entrepreneurial Romeos, only to find out that they’d been conned and the photo was group texted to the high school football team. There’s also the confessions from the boys that get their, “ah-ha! I was being a dirt bag” moment when their frontal lobes come online later in high school and they’re stewing in shame and regret in my office. Believe it or not, both genders are capable of being predatory on the other. I hear what most parents don’t know.

I remember the first session when I realized this was a thing. I was seeing a beautiful eighth grade girl who was starting to get it and was lamenting about her best friend who purposely “put a nude out” when she was 11 year old. At 15 years old, the friend was bizarrely proud of it being re-released via text to “everyone in the county” four years later. My client guessed it was the fourth mass texting of the image. I sat there, horrified and dumbfounded, assessing my ethical requirements to the teens involved and my community in general. As a mother, I began visualizing the creation of a blueprint for Rapunzel’s tower in our backyard for my kids, no nudity and screen-free.

So much of my young client’s disclosure made me deeply upset for everybody involved. I was saddened that children this young had already learned how to use and exploit sexuality as a cheap commodity. I was saddened that these kids broker power through contemptuous attention catamount to social media “likes.” I was saddened that there was an army of teenagers willing to receive these tragic misperceptions of self worth. And I was furious that some actively groomed their victims to build a sick collection of lost innocence with no more thought than they gave to their Pokémon collections six months earlier. Keep in mind that in many cases these releases are consensual, while in others coerced.

I imagine you’re thinking, “What kind of amoral community does this writer live in anyway? My kids would NEVER do that!” Right? I’m sorry to tell you that I live in the same community you do. This is not an isolated phenomenon. Participants come from all types of families, families of all income levels and religions with great parents and slack parents. Short of raising your child in a stone tower, there is no family situation where your parenting supervision cannot be breached.

Of course there are situations where children tend to be the most vulnerable. But the temptation is there for even the most well adjusted kids. And to make things even more concerning, this pimp-prostitute culture does not always end by college age. The media is rampant with stories of fraternity houses that have private Facebook pages littered with nude photos of non-consenting women and blatant drug deals, not to mention social media and hookup dating sites flooded with sexual trolling. Like it or not, the young have their own culture of sexuality that is different from their parents.

What has led us here? Is it the unregulated Wild West atmosphere of the Internet? The moral decay of Western culture? The accumulation of sexualization and objectification of women splashed throughout popular culture over decades? Porn? Are permissive parents to blame? Unresponsive school administrators? The rapid technological developments we simply cannot keep up with? And more importantly, what will lead us out?

My CSUCI students and I discuss this often. You may be surprised how many advocate for mass regulation and filtering while I wonder about the sincerity of their self-righteousness. Because like them, I am conflicted about what makes up our “rights” for online liberties balanced with personal vulgarity and decency standards. Some of my readers argue that I’m being too conservative stressing about sexting. That teen sexuality is healthy, sexting is a “normal” expression of intimacy, and our concern is shaming and unwarranted. But I, for one, become alarmed considering that my son or daughter may face felony charges, which may result in a lifetime listing on a public sexual predators list.

I don’t agree that this is dismissible, because it’s “normal sexual experimentation.” I understand that we are all sexual beings as soon as we leave the womb. I “get” that experimenting with intimacy is a healthy aspect of adolescence. But I cannot be persuaded that releasing nudes in middle and high school so the images can be assigned “points” and traded for titillating collections is healthy sexuality. It’s exploitation. It’s objectification. It’s child pornography. Children and teens are simply not equipped to anticipate how nude images may affect their permanent digital footprints and opportunities in the future.

If you don’t buy that, how would you feel if your child’s nude photo had been exchanged among online adult pedophilic groups or posted on revenge porn websites?

Seriously folks, it’s time we at least face the facts and start dealing directly with screen safety issues. That means taking an honest, hard look at your children’s screen use and making a sensible plan. Perhaps that means following a free blog like GetKidsInternetSafe so you’re aware of the secret collections the vault apps that look like innocent folders or calculators on your teen’s smartphone harbor. Or maybe you’re ready for some simple home staging that can reduce risk significantly, like the one I offer in my GKIS Connected Family Online Course. Or maybe it’s sex-tech education that needs to get sprinkled in family conversation every day. Most importantly, today is the day to reboot your connection with you kids and start an idiot-proof dialogue to teach them the resiliency skills they need to stay Internet safe!

Do me a favor. Scroll down and let me know what you think and what you are doing to protect your family.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

The GKIS Sensible Parent’s Guide to Snapchat

September 24, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

I have mixed feelings about red-lighting the popular self-destructing messaging app, Snapchat, and I’ll tell you why. I Snapchat with my daughter and the other twenty-somethings and its fun! Like all social media apps, Snapchat can be used for good or evil. They say it’s not guns that kill people, it’s people that kill people. The same applies for social media. So here’s the deal; if the individual using Snapchat has a mature frontal lobe and life experience, this app is way cool. But if the user is young and impulsive, Snapchat provides an effective forum for bad behavior in the form of pictures, videos, and texts. Unfortunately, there are no monitoring apps that I know of that work with Snapchat. However, there are many apps that that let recipients sneakily save chats from unsuspecting senders. Keep in mind, social media apps post risks for viewing, posting, and private messaging. Here is your GetKidsInternetSafe Sensible Parent’s Guide to Snapchat so you can make your most informed parenting decision. To help your tween or teen demonstrate they have the knowledge, problem solving ability, and judgment for social media, check out our Social Media Readiness Course. It’s an online course for tweens and teens that offers information about the risks of digital injury due to social media and psychological wellness tools. With a quiz for each module, they work their way through independently so their graduation certification demonstrates mastery of content. Of course, you can take it too if you’d like. It’s like driver’s training but for the internet!

What is Snapchat?

Snapchat is a free mobile messaging app for sharing moments with family or friends. Photos or videos are taken on the application and the user may draw and add a “caption” to their picture and send it to anyone on their “friends” list. Snapchat also contains a “story” (a saved video on static page for 24 hours) where friends can view your photo and/or video series. The photos or videos last up to ten seconds or it can last up to infinite amount of time and then it disappears after the user clicks their screen. The photos can be saved if the other person viewing it takes a screen shot; however it will notify the sender. Also, the sender may save their photos anytime if they are on their “story.” You can also instant message with Snapchat. Snapchat’s Terms of Use states, “Snapchat is intended for people who are at least 13 years old. Persons under the age of 13 are prohibited from creating Snapchat accounts.”

What are Snapchat’s popular features?

Snapchat is highly intriguing to users because the messaging is photo/video based. This is a step-by-step description of how to use it:

Take a photo
Tap screen to add caption; tap the “T” in the right hand corner to change font size and color. Tap the pencil under the “T” to draw on the picture with color or draw with emoji’s, tap the square under the pencil to add emoji’s or bitmojis.
Under the square is a pair of scissors that allows you to clear a blemish, erase a part of the photo, put an entire background, or put hues of color in designated spots.
After the scissors, there is a paper click symbol. This allows for the user to attach a URL to any post they make.
Apply a filter by swiping right on the photo; includes four different tints for pictures, a “mph” to show friends how “fast” you’re going if in a moving vehicle, the time photo or video was taken, the altitude, and the temperature of where you are. You can only choose one of these filters at a time or you can hold the screen and apply numerous filters to the post.
At the bottom of the list of symbols on the left top corner is the clock where, you can choose how long you want your picture to appear when sent to friends from 1-10 seconds or for infinite. You can also click the arrow pointing down (on the bottom of the screen) if you want to download the picture you just took onto your device. Lastly next to the arrow there is the square with a plus sign to “add to your story,” the picture will remain on your story for 24 hours.
At the bottom right corner of the screen, you click the arrow pointing to the right to send the photo to your friends. When clicking here you can choose what friends you want to send it to.
Check the box of the friends you want it sent to; on the bottom the friends you chose will show up in a blue link with an arrow pointing to the right. You click the arrow once your friends are chosen.
The list of friends include, “Your Story,” “Best Friends,” “Recents,” “Groups,” and “Needs Love.” Your story was previously mentioned before; you just have another option to add the photo to your story a different way. Your best friends consist of those you send Snapchats to the most. Recents are those who recently sent you a Snapchat or those you recently sent a Snapchat to. Groups are people who you have grouped together and if you send a snap to them all of the recipients will receive the same snapchat and can respond to the group (like group messaging but with pictures). Lastly those on the needs love list are those who are on your Snapchat list of friends but you don’t Snapchat them often nor sent them a Snapchat recently.
Recently added on Snapchat is group chatting. Now, once you are on your main screen (swipe to the right), you’ll see at the top for the option of “Groups”, “Stories”, or “Chats”. Pressing each of these tabs looks fairly similar but it is a new way of organizing your feed. The New Group Video Chat allows groups of up to sixteen people to instantly start video chatting. To create a video call, you simply create a new group of friends (or use a group already created) and tap the video icon to send an automatic notification to those users, as an invitation to join the call. During your video chat you can use the famous Snapchat filters. You read that right, you can video call your friends and family while you have a dog filter on your face.

What is included in the personal profile?

There is not a “personal profile” per se, but there are ways to find your friends who are on Snapchat. From the main snapchat screen, the middle section, you can press the top left corner, which is either a picture of a ghost of your bitmoji you created. From there you can view your name, user name, your astrological sign, and your “score.” There’s a link with a smiley face that says “Added Me” to see those that have recently added you on Snapchat. Then there’s a link that says “Add Friends” and you can search by username, address book, snapcode, or nearby or add from your contacts list. The last link is My Friends, which shows who you have already added.

Those who are not your friends can see the pictures you post on your story, unless you go to settings – view my stor y- and make sure its pressed on “My Friends.” There is an option for Everyone or Custom, which you can block certain people from seeing your story. People can find you using any of the things stated above, but most commonly people will add through “contact” list, snapcode or user name. Your personal snapcode is the unique pattern of dots around your bitmoji. It can be scanned by other users to easily and quickly add you as a friend.

What are the privacy options?

From the screen with your bimoji, click the settings gear icon on the top right hand corner. When you click it you can see the information you entered when signing up for Snapchat.

When you scroll down there is a Manage section with “Who Can…” Contact Me, View My Story, See My Location, and See Me in Quick Add. (Quick add is so you won’t come up on random people’s snapchats saying they might know you and to easily add you as a friend). From there you can select Everyone, My Friends, Only Me, or Custom settings.

How long has it been around and how popular is it?

Snapchat was created by Stanford University students, Evan Spiegel, Bobby Murphy, and Reggie Brow. It was first launched in July, 2011, under the name “Picaboo.” Later it was renamed and relaunched September, 2011.

What are the risks for use?

Cyberbully potential:

Friends sending threatening/cruel messages or offensive pictures
Fake accounts and impersonation.
Mostly used with friends or people the individual knows; so if there is an argument they may say or do hurtful things through the app.

Inappropriate content potential:

Sexualized images
Instant messaging inappropriately
Some consider it the “sexting app;” may receive inappropriate pictures or messages; may send them to others as well.
Often times, people feel as if they are safe to use this as a “sexting app” due to the fact that the app will notify you if someone has taken a screenshot. They may think that no one will screenshot their inappropriate photo because it notifies the sender. Or if they get notified that someone took a screenshot they may feel that they can take action.

However, it’s important to note that there are apps that a user can download that allow them to screenshot the sender’s photos without it sending a notification. Some of these apps are called, “SnapKeep,” “SnapBox,” “SnapSpy,” and “KeepSnap.” This is important to know, because people get too comfortable with pictures when they believe that after 10 seconds it’s magically gone; this may not be case.

Making poor decisions:

Bragging about substance use to friends by taking photos of alcohol use, drug use, or pictures at a party
Using device while driving to use the “mph” filter to brag about the speed of the vehicle you are in. This also can lead to driving over speed limit.

What are the protection features?

You can change your privacy settings to where only friends can send you Snapchats or see your story (view privacy settings).
If a user is sending inappropriate images you can block them by going to your friend’s list, tap the name of the friend, click the settings link, and click “block.” Or if they recently snapped you, you can just hold their name and press settings and then block. You will no longer be able to receive or send Snapchats to that user; they also will no longer be allowed to see your story.

Because of the capacity to post images and video unmonitored and instant message, GKIS considers Snapchat a red light app, generally meaning no use prior to age 17. But realistically speaking, most high schoolers actively use and text on Snapchat, so use your best parenting judgment for your child. Also be cautious of similar apps like BurnNote, Slingshot, and Yik Yak. These days, popular social media apps tend to add each other’s most popular features (like Snapchat stories now on Instagram and Facebook). No longer is there a “safer” social media app for middle schoolers.

Thank you to CSUCI student Adrienne Roy-Gasper for co-authoring this article. Check out my blog article about how this dad responded to Snapchatters who were cyberbullying his daughter, and how it caused the bully’s dad to lose his job. What are your experiences with Snapchat? Have you run across problems, or do you consider this a reasonable app for your kids? Please let me know what you think in the comments below.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Why Your Smartphone Is a Nuclear Football

February 4, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

I’m a child of the ‘80’s. This essentially means six things shaped my understanding of the world: The Love Boat, Atari (Frogger!), Fast Times at Ridgemont High, being a latchkey kid, the birth of MTV, and the fear of nuclear holocaust. (And yes, as an Internet safety expert, it has not escaped me that four of those six things involved screen media).

Now back to nuclear bombing . . . It sucked being a kid and learning that I had an omnipotent and invisible enemy powerful enough to eradicate Earth. Thanks Cold War for ruining my childhood security.

And OMG, remember the television show The Day After? This lovely little drama depicted a full-scale nuclear war between the United States and the Soviet Union. Nearly 100 million Americans watched the first broadcast, the content of which reportedly inspired then President Reagan to note in his diary that the show was “very effective and left me greatly depressed.” This from the guy in charge of THE BUTTON, also known as THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL^*. Nuclear war made the 1980s super scary.

Flash forward. For research, and to get an idea of the current blood curdling fear tantamount to 1980s nuclear war, I just walked into the playroom and asked my 11 and 13 year olds, “What is your biggest fear?” Now keep in mind, my 13 year-old got second in her school on the super quiz test on ecology without even studying. In other words, I was all giddy for them to say global warming or Internet predators or some such so I could hop back to my computer and develop today’s nuclear football argument…

But true to form, messing up all of my pie-in-the-sky expectations, my children could only come up with was, and I quote, 1) “You” and 2) “Your dancing.” Seriously, that’s what they said.

So besides the fact that my kids are hilarious and wrong about many things (my reverse trailer dance move is unrivaled), I posit our smartphones have personal nuclear football capability. Not for blowing up the planet or whatever, but definitely for blowing up your life.

You’d be shocked, or maybe not, to hear all the ways my patients have ignited their lives with a push of the send button. I know that sounds hyperbolic, but it isn’t. And I’m not just talking about teenagers. I’m talking about sound-minded, responsible adults.

What kind of screen media bombs have I seen detonated?

I’ve seen every type of pathological relationship birthed and every type of secure attachment detonated. I’ve seen wives lose their husbands, husbands lose their wives, best friends betrayed, kids groomed, daters deceived, reputations ruined, jobs lost, car accidents triggered, parents infuriated, and drug deals executed. I even heard of a woman who fell on the escalator while she was texting, resulting in her hair getting tangled in the landing mechanism. I know, arrrggg! I’ve seen an epidemic of powerful destruction facilitated by an impulsive text, a compulsive iChat exchange, or a traumatic video.

Take a second and run a slide show in your imagination of the horrors you have witnessed online. I, for example, still cringe at the memory of videos I’ve seen of people jumping to their deaths from tall buildings, innocent people getting knocked unconscious by malicious pranksters, and spider babies crawling out of its unfortunate victim’s flesh. Shiver. Now imagine a six year-old enduring these images. Nightmare material, indeed!

As a clinical psychologist, we are taught how to nurture our emotional health despite being a daily witness to the ravage of our patient’s emotional safety. Like you, we strive to maintain a healthy lifestyle with solid supportive relationships. And in order to help us work through the pain that we carry as a result, we set up regular consults with our colleagues. During these lunch meetings we speak of our sadness, disgust, anger, fear, and other leftover ashes from the hardest psychotherapy sessions. In order to not burn out or become deeply cynical, we work to deliberately preserve our emotional fitness.

My challenge to you today is to consider what type of emotional fitness strategies do you engage in? Do you take steps to protect yourself from destructive messages, images, and videos? Do you enrich your inner world with healthy relationships and self-care strategies like imagery, mindfulness, and a heart full of compassion? And more specific to GetKidsInternetSafe, have you taught your kids just what they need to do in order to protect themselves and then heal if they take a misstep?

In addition to blocking, filtering, and setting screen media limits, I challenge you to take that extra step and teach them powerful health strategies like good nutrition, sleep hygiene, and exercise. And certainly don’t leave out psychological strategies like mindfulness, imagery, diaphragmatic breathing, and positive thinking. But most importantly, we all must be willing to filter out content that drains our hope, while feeding in content that inspires us like enriching passions and loving friendships.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

^*What is the nuclear football? It is reported to be black briefcase carried by the president’s aid that contains everything necessary to launch a nuclear attack in minutes. According to Bill Gulley, former director of the White House Military Office, the briefcase contains two black books (one with retaliatory nuclear strike options and another classified shelter sites), a manila folder with instructions on how to operate the emergency broadcast system, and an index card with authentication codes. The nuclear football is always within reach of the acting president. Is your smartphone really much different?

Hey Mom, Your Fifteen Year-Old Boy is Acting Like an Internet Predator

January 21, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published by The Good Men Project

Earlier this week The Good Men Project published my article, “Hey Dad, Your Twelve Year-Old Daughter Has a “Nude Out,” and it’s getting some justified attention (over 20,000 views and 8,000 FB shares). As I watched the FaceBook share number rise, I realized that my title made the victim (the younger girl) the active agent instead of the predator (the older boy). Isn’t that kind of blaming the victim? Shouldn’t the boy be the agent in my title considering he is older, being coercive, and has intent to deceive in this scenario? But then again, predator is probably a harsh word for a goofy impulsive teenage boy, or is it? To make it more complicated, sometimes the girls are more willing to pose and distribute their “sexy” image than the boys are willing to receive it. Ultimately, both the boy and the girl may suffer serious moral and legal consequences. Join me in tackling this issue by considering what you want for your kids and how we might facilitate their delicate and important journey toward good judgment, compassionate morality, and sexual power.

Last week’s article detailed a spooky teen “trend” that I learned from teen clients in my private practice. This trend involves a well-traveled digital bridge between middle school girls and high school boys where high school boys deliberately plot and groom middle school girls to send sexy pictures via text. The boys then assign point values, share, and trade with their friends a la human Pokémon cards. Seriously, this topic makes me rant, and for good reason.

Admittedly, I’m somewhat conflicted in my feelings. On the one hand, I’m angry that a boy grooming a girl to expose herself on screen media at such a painfully tender age is manipulative, selfish, and potentially very damaging to both of them. And for the boy to share it without her consent is frankly criminal and makes him (and the girl) vulnerable to child pornography and revenge porn charges. But is it predatory? After all, let’s face it, teenage boys are pretty much drunk from a brain newly flooded with testosterone and their frontal lobe won’t be done developing until they’re around 23 years old. What’s more, the thousands of sexualized images of women, and to a lesser degree men, that bombard our kids on screen media everyday fuels this objectification. Even our adult culture has a long way to go to responsibly and sensibly deal with issues like intimacy and sexuality. The multi-billion dollar porn industry and lecherous sexual trolling on adult dating sites are testament to that.

I’m also angry with the girls for participating. What does it mean that so many young women willingly release images of their blossoming sexuality for praise, status, and attention? (Insert snarky comment about the queen of all sheep-wolves, Kim Kardashian, and her new bajillion-dollar-earning book of selfies here). Ugh. As parents, we want them to value all that they are, but not by posing languidly for the lecherous consumption of strangers. And unlike any time in history, it’s too easy to turn a confusingly sexy impulse into a consequence that may be in play for years to come. With this enormous technological power comes enormous risk. In such a complex digital landscape, kids need our involvement in their day to day decisions more than ever.

As a psychologist, I notice two glaring mistakes that parents make when dealing with these issues. First, they start too late. If you’re waiting until your kids are teens before you talk about gender, sexuality, and personal privacy rights, you are starting too late.

The second mistake parents make is they only challenge their daughters with discussion and leave their sons out of it. The digital bridge observation illuminates that we must teach girls AND boys to be respectful, nurturing, and responsible. Sexual education and social problem solving must happen with both genders. You’d be shocked how few boys raise their hands in my university class when we discuss who received sexual education in their homes. And the girls admit that most of their parents were only willing to awkwardly mutter quick comments about menstruation. There’s soooo much more to it than that!

In an effort to “walk the walk,” my husband and I staged a discussion about some of these issues over dinner last night. Although it admittedly deteriorated into goofy comments and sticky marshmallow spills on occasion, some awesome insights emerged.

My kids asked that I use discretion and not discuss their comments in a public article, but I loved the concept my Navy veteran husband used to help illuminate the issue of assertiveness and social responsibility. The quote comes from Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Stephanie Rogish’s book, Sheepdog Meet Our Nation’s Warriors A Children’s and Educator’s Book:

If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen: a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath—a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? Then you are a sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero’s path.

A little heavy for our thirteen year-old daughter and eleven year-old son perhaps? Initially, yes! In fact, at one point in the discussion my son looked at me and pleaded, “But I love wolves! Why can’t I be a wolf?” clearly missing the metaphorical value of Grossman’s insights. But we persevered in explaining to him what being a “good man” and a “good woman” means to us. We didn’t lecture. We listened and encouraged knowing that this discussion would happen over and over for years to come in many different forms. We taught them that “wrong” happens the moment you’ve hurt yourself or another human being, not just when you’re caught. Most of all, we reassured them that we will be there for them every step along the way, when they do things they are proud of and when they make mistakes. We reminded them that nobody can do this alone, and we are in it together.
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Here are some of the points we considered that might facilitate your discussion with your family around the dinner table tonight:

People are far more than a body part. Behind every text, image, and idea is a human being with thoughts, feelings, and value. Treating yourself or others as an object instead of a person is demeaning.
Screen media is a powerful tool. Once your hit “send,” that text, image, or video can never be taken back. Consider if it would be OK to show it on the screen in a school assembly before you send it to anybody. And parents, if you need help don’t hesitate to reach out to the school administration or the police. They are well versed in these issues and have specially-trained personnel. It’s rarely a good idea to approach the other children involved or their parents for that matter.
Save private interactions for face-to-face relationships. If it’s on screen media, it’s unlikely to stay private.
Collecting “likes” is not love. Sometimes it’s even the opposite.
Represent yourself online just as you would offline. Character matters.

Although parents don’t want to admit it, romance and sex titillates people of all ages, even children. As adolescent hormones come online those pressures increase. The world gets all that much more overwhelming and confusing as teens learn to drive their new brains. A middle school girl recently told me that a boy came up to her and said, “I can’t decide if you’re a slut or a nerd.” This disclosure launched an important discussion about what those words mean and what he was trying to accomplish by demeaning her with them. From this discussion she insisted she would not cower like a sheep, and I promised to encourage boys not to be wolves. What do you want for your sons and daughters?

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Link to Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Stephanie Rogish’s book, Sheepdog Meet Our Nation’s Warriors A Children’s and Educator’s Book