Socialization is a critical aspect to good health for kids and adults.[1][2] That’s why constant connection through social media, chatrooms, texting, and online gaming has become irresistible to us. For help managing in the online world and avoiding costly digital injuries, check out Dr. Bennett’s positive parenting and family coaching videos in our Screen Safety Essentials Course. We all need each other online and off. Afterall, the early people of our species were hunters and gatherers. Having a tribe was critical for our survival. In modern times, with many families living away from extended families and our lives as busy as ever, it’s often hard for adults to make friends. Today’s GKIS article covers the costly results of loneliness and offers suggestions for how to break out of our loneliness and enter the realm of meaningful connectedness.
The Prevalence of Loneliness
Higher rates of loneliness are found among young adults, seniors, those who are visually impaired, victims of abuse, and the unemployed.[3] Due to its prevalence, numerous outlets including Time, Forbes, US News, Cigna Insurance, and the Health Resources & Services Administration have referred to loneliness as an epidemic in the last decade.
Feelings of loneliness can result from a lack of friendships, intimacy, or emotional connection.[4] The long-term impacts of loneliness include poor sleep, depression, suicidal ideation, increases in cortisol (a stress hormone), compromised immune responses, and inflammation. Chronic loneliness has also been linked to the progression of Alzheimer’s, cardiovascular disease, and other chronic diseases. Further, loneliness is associated with poor lifestyle habits which include sedentariness and smoking.[5]
To avoid unfortunate outcomes, we must carve out the time to hang out with friends and family. For kids and teens, school is an easy resource to draw from. But for adults, social resources can be hard to find. To help you reach out and find more connection and community in your life, we’ve uncovered some novel ideas and resources!
Finding Community in Person
Volunteer
Volunteering is a fantastic way to meet friends, give back, and cultivate a sense of belonging. Research has found that volunteering is particularly helpful for those who have recently lost a loved one. In a study by Dawn Carr and colleagues observing over 5,000 recently widowed spouses, subjects who volunteered two or more hours per week had lower rates of loneliness than those who did not volunteer at all.[6]
Volunteering also has benefits for the whole family. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension notes that youth volunteerism can help with the development of identity, empathy, skill-building, self-esteem, and relationships with like-minded people.[7] A study by Sandi Nenga from Southwestern University notes similar improvements in youth volunteerism. But Nenga also emphasizes that volunteering can connect multiple, diverse communities, creating better outcomes in future civic roles for youth volunteers.[8]
Join a gym
Many gyms offer classes like Zumba, pilates, yoga, kickboxing, and barre. Attending exercise classes provides opportunities to talk with others and explore your workout journeys together!
Exercise is associated with decreases in stress hormones including cortisol and adrenaline, and promotes the production of mood-enhancing endorphins.[9] For those who have social anxiety, these feel-good-feelings can help you gain confidence in seeking and maintaining new relationships.
Join a club or team
Clubs and teams offer great opportunities to make new friends and work together. Bulletins for clubs and teams may be found at your local college campus or community recreation center. A study by Scott Graupensperger and colleagues notes that being on a club sports team results in greater prosocial behaviors. Additionally, being on a team creates a strong sense of community and bonds, thus enhancing identification with others. A greater sense of identification can improve one’s mental health, social life, and well-being.[10]
Find Community Online
Online resources have made meeting like-minded people easier than ever. Today’s platforms allow us to connect with a host of individuals and groups that offer various forms of entertainment whether it is sushi classes, book clubs, or family potlucks! Of course, proper cautions are necessary when meeting people online. To help tweens and teens prepare for the potential hazards that await them on social media, we recommend they take our Social Media Readiness Course. This online course not only offers the information they need to stay safe, Dr. Bennett also shares critical wellness strategies she’s developed in over 25 years of clinical practice! Here are 4 GKIS recommended online platforms to help you connect with others
Meetup
Meetup.com is a great website to start your search for like-minded people. The groups available are diverse and range from substance abuse support groups to groups for beginner hikers! Some groups are also geared towards entire families and may host events to bring families together. You can also create your own group, however, a monthly charge to Meetup is needed to keep your group active.
Hey! VINA
Hey! VINA is a free new app with a design similar to the dating app Tinder. Hey! Vina is geared toward women and nonbinary people looking to make friends with other women and nonbinary people. The VIP membership gives users special access to certain features including faster matches, seeing who swiped right on (liked) your profile, and more.
The Dinner Party
The Dinner Party is an organization founded in 2018. The purpose of this organization is to bring grieving individuals who are between the ages 20 to 39 together. The intent is to connect and provide support for each other over dinner. They also expanded to create dinner parties for a wider audience of individuals who may be dealing with a different type of issue and would like a companion to talk to. To accommodate the recent COVID-19 guidelines, individuals are currently hosting Zoom dinner parties as a safer way to get together.
Eventbrite
Eventbrite is a popular platform used to get tickets for live events ranging from stadium concerts to yoga meetups at the park. While the service is free, the organizer of the event may require a small fee to attend while others offer their events for free.
Thanks to CSUCI intern, Avery Flower for researching ways to battle loneliness, and for co-authoring this article.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
[1] Williams, C. Y. K., Townson, A. T., Kapur, M., Ferreira, A. F., Nunn, R., Galante, J., Phillips, V., Gentry, S., & Usher-Smith, J. A. (2021). Interventions to reduce social isolation and loneliness during COVID-19 physical distancing measures: A rapid systematic review. PLoS ONE, 16(2). https://doi-org.ezproxy.csuci.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0247139
[2] Lun, V. M.-C., & Bond, M. H. (2016). Achieving subjective well-being around the world: The moderating influence of gender, age and national goals for socializing children. Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being, 17(2), 587–608. https://doi-org.ezproxy.csuci.edu/10.1007/s10902-015-9614-z
[3]Brunes, A., Hansen, M. B., & Heir, T. (2019). Loneliness among adults with visual impairment: Prevalence, associated factors, and relationship to life satisfaction. Health and Quality of Life Outcomes, 17. https://doi-org.ezproxy.csuci.edu/10.1186/s12955-019-1096-y
[4] Tiwari, S. (2013). Loneliness: A disease? Indian Journal of Psychiatry,55(4), 320. doi:10.4103/0019-5545.120536
[5] Beutel, M. E., Klein, E. M., Brähler, E., Reiner, I., Jünger, C., Michal, M., Wiltink, J., Wild, P. S., Münzel, T., Lackner, K. J., & Tibubos, A. N. (2017). Loneliness in the general population: Prevalence, determinants and relations to mental health. BMC Psychiatry, 17.
[6]Carr, D. C., Kail, B. L., Matz-Costa, C., & Shavit, Y. Z. (2018). Does becoming a volunteer attenuate loneliness among recently widowed older adults? The Journals of Gerontology: Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 73(3), 501–510. https://doi-org.ezproxy.csuci.edu/10.1093/geronb/gbx092
[10]Graupensperger, S., Panza, M., & Evans, M. B. (2020). Network centrality, group density, and strength of social identification in college club sport teams. Group Dynamics: Theory, Research, and Practice, 24(2), 59–73. https://doi-org.ezproxy.csuci.edu/10.1037/gdn0000106
Ancestry.com launched their genealogy company in 1983, allowing millions of people to research their family history.[1] Since that time, Ancestry.com and similar companies like 23andMe have added additional features. You can find out your entire genetic code by simply taking their saliva swab test. Within a few short weeks, you will receive your genealogical makeup and access to their social media account. This allows you to “match” with previous individuals who have taken the test to find your genetic connection. Although these tests seem intriguing, they leave out one crucial aspect: unexpected matches. Here’s my story on how my unexpected match changed my life.
How does it work?
For $99 you can mail in a saliva sample and, six weeks later, receive your 99.9% accurate DNA report.[2] Features of Ancestry.com and 23andMe saliva swab test include:
An ethnicity estimate
Updates of new DNA matchups as new information comes out
Social media connection to members who have already taken the test
Estimated relationship to matches (sister, aunt, great-grandma, etc.)
Regions in which your DNA is predominant
It Can Happen to Anyone
Here is a personal experience from my GKIS intern, Kaitlin. In December 2018 I got a phone call from my father. He was happier than usual, and I could tell he had important news to share. He told me he had taken the Ancestry DNA swab test and received a notification stating an estimated relationship – his previously unknown twenty-seven-year-old daughter!
At first, I felt devastated for a woman who had missed out on a relationship with her biological father. I realized how lucky I was to have had my father in my life. My father was really sick and at the end of his life. Meeting this new person meant incorporating her into one of the hardest moments of my family’s life.
The timeline of when she was born and when my parents got married was extremely close. The family was shocked. The news created problems between my parents at the end of his life.
My newly discovered sister had reached out to someone she thought was her father years prior to the discovery of my father and was brutally rejected. She was traumatized from his reaction. Once Ancestry DNA became popular, she decided to take the test to find the answer to this life-long identity question.
Upon learning the news, I felt obligated to encourage their relationship while also comforting my mom. I was confused and didn’t know how to react. I reached out to my new sister, but she seemed more interested in getting to know her biological father than getting involved with me.
That didn’t bother me as much as how she reacted when my dad passed away this year. After not talking to each other, despite several attempts to get to know her, she said some extremely hurtful things about what my father would’ve wanted and how I wasn’t fulfilling his final wishes. It seemed she thought her six months with my father meant more than my twenty-four years. It broke my heart and left me feeling resentful towards my biological sister. Now that my father is gone, I honestly just wish he never took the test.
That’s what they don’t warn you about before taking these tests. The possibility of finding the information you might not be ready for.
Why don’t they warn us?
Both 23andMe and Ancestry craft their advertising to intrigue and draw customers in. Their entire marketing strategy is solely focused on finding your genetic makeup and finding yourself. Ironically, you might find an entirely new person as well.
Absolutely nothing is said about the risky possibilities.
I couldn’t even find a warning in the “What to expect from AncestryDNA” post on Ancestry.com.[3] Identity can be fragile, and learning something as life altering and traumatic as an unexpected connection can change your entire life[4] One can only imagine how hard it must be for people to find out the parent that raised them isn’t actually their biological parent. There is also a possibility of finding out about infidelity or sexual assault. There was even a news story about a woman finding out that her biological father was her mother’s infertility specialist!
We at GKIS believe that these companies owe their customers more than they’re giving. Customers would be better served if there was a warning about the serious and potentially unintended psychological consequences of the information provided. Preparing customers for the unexpected at least offers an opportunity for making an informed opinion.
Online Support Groups
If you’ve had a psychological trauma resulting from DNA testing, you don’t have to go through it alone. There are several Facebook support groups available. For example, the NPE Friends Fellowship is an organization dedicated to people who have received answers they weren’t expecting.[5] The goals of these groups include receiving recognition and validation and finding a supportive community of people who understand and help each other heal. These groups allow the option of anonymity, along with a vulnerability backed by trust amongst peers who have experienced similar stories.
Families are complicated and so are the reasons behind family secrets. My family decided to handle this with open arms and offer support for my new sister. If something like this has happened to you or a friend, here are some options for you:
Stay calm and supportive.
Talk it out with your family members.
Join a Facebook support group.
Consult with a clinical psychologist like Dr. Bennett!
Thanks to CSUCI intern, Avery Flower for researching ways to battle loneliness, and for co-authoring this article.
