Not everything you read online is real, nor is everyone you meet. You have been catfished when you meet someone online who created a fake profile to deceive you. Catfishing varies in severity, from posting younger pictures of oneself to stealing another’s identity. Most commonly experienced in dating websites or social media, catfishing provokes more skepticism and fear when it comes to meeting people online.
It started on Tinder…
Being a victim of catfishing can happen to anyone. With more teens joining social media, they are exposed to not only same-age peers but also adults with bad intentions.
For example, my friend Sam had been online dating since her sophomore year of high school. She recently met a guy on Tinder and fell head over heels for him. Soon after meeting each other online, they texted every day. At first, she suggested they FaceTime, but he always came up with some excuse to text only. Sam didn’t think much of it and continued to text with him. When she suggested they meet in person, he ghosted her and then messaged her randomly, ignoring her suggestion. She ignored the red flags.
While talking to a friend about her concerns, her friend shared that she was having a similar experience with her online boyfriend. When they compared notes and photos, they realized it was the same guy using different names and accounts. Since then, Sam has had difficulty trusting anybody online.
Adults and kids can be victims.
The popular MTV show “Catfish: The TV Show,” gives the audience a deeper look into the world of catfishing. During each episode, the host helps a victim uncover the truth behind a catfishing incident. Each episode illustrates the complex reasons people create deceptive online identities to make up for deficits in their non-virtual lives, such as:
insecurity about their looks, so they steal someone else’s identity who is better looking – like wearing a virtual mask.
pretending to be a different gender, perhaps experimenting before coming out of the closet.
cyberstalking or seeking revenge.
It’s not just adults that are deceived by catfishing. In the Lifetime TV show, “I Catfished My Kid,” parents try to teach their teens a lesson about the dangers of talking to strangers online. In the pilot, two Ventura County teens were duped by an adult producer into thinking they were interacting with a peer. When he asked each victim to meet him in the park to watch his band practice, one of the teens complied. On the show, we see her walk to the park and then be confronted by her parents and the host of the show.
Dr. Bennett received production credit on this pilot and helped with the emotional support on set. She describes feeling uncomfortable with the plot of deceiving a teen. However, to the benefit of millions of viewers, the show is an opportunity to teach kids how easy it is to be catfished.
Why do we fall for it?
Dr. Bennett believes that texting and online dating are some of the worst things to ever happen to singles. Although they offer immediate access to possible friends and dates, she says it also exposes our psychological vulnerabilities to exploitive others.
For instance, Dr. B describes a phenomenon she’s seen in practice where the screen between us and our new partner allows us to confabulate a false truth, that our new dating partner is better than they actually are. Confabulation is the act of unconsciously creating imaginary facts to fill in for a loss of memory.
In other words, with their dream dating profile in mind, online daters sometimes start by identifying a partner that loosely fits their criteria. Because they are so hopeful, they unconsciously convince themselves that their date is their dream partner. A simple “I look forward to meeting you” text becomes a sign of affection, romance, and fidelity. They create a dream person in their heads before the date has even revealed their true selves.
Dr. Bennett also believes that online dating can trigger our hunting and gathering instincts. Too often, she sees people “keep an eye out” for a better partner, even when they are committed to their current one. By always looking for the next best thing, singles sabotage the relationship they’re in. The thrill of the chase and the novelty of a new person can overshadow real partnership.
She also notes that healthy daters find partners and quickly move off dating sites, whereas predators stay. Dr. B theorizes that is the reason there are more creeps on dating sites than in the general population. Online dating can help you find love, but it can also open one up to exploitation, financial coercion, or online dating fraud. Although some dating sites verify users through other social media profiles and have safety tips, daters must beware.
If you visit websites, play video games, or are on social media, it may be helpful to you to know the red flags that. you may be being catfished.
Red flags that you are being catfished if the person:
is too good to be true
demands too much contact or acts possessive
is overly elaborative
attempts to pull you in with dramatic stories of victimhood or emotional distress
makes too many promises
is only available to talk during certain days and times
-gets too affectionate too fast
Thank you to GKIS intern, Nubia Bandek, for telling us all about catfishing. The hookup culture, which makes teens vulnerable to catfishing, is more prominent among teens than parents realize. Check out the GKIS article, Is Your Teen Hooking Up? for tips on how to have important conversations with your tweens and teens.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
[1.] Couch, D., Liamputtong, P., & Pitts, M. (2012). What are the real and perceived risks and dangers of online dating? Perspectives from online daters. Health, Risk & Society,14(7–8), 697–714.https://doi-org.summit.csuci.edu/10.1080/13698575.2012.720964
[2.] Menkin, J. A., Robles, T. F., Wiley, J. F., & Gonzaga, G. C. (2015). Online dating across the life span: Users’relationship goals. Psychology and Aging, 30(4), 987–993. https://doi-org.summit.csuci.edu/10.1037/a0039722.supp (Supplemental)
Did you know that Instagram has become a popular dating app?[10] As Tinder users transition to Instagram, child profiles may be increasingly viewed in a sexualized way by strangers. Unlike traditional dating apps, Instagram doesn’t have the stringent age restrictions. Find out what you need to know if your kids or teens have Instagram. Haven’t implement social media rules yet? Dr. Bennett’s Connected Family Online Course is a MUST have for families with school-age kids.
Instagram partners with Tinder.
Tinder is a dating app that allows users to peruse the profile of a potential hookup or dating partner. Swipe left if you’re not interested and right you are. Mutual right swipes opens opportunity for private messaging.[7]
Instagram, on the other hand, is a social media profile that allows users to share images and create a profile displaying their posts. Users can upload to their story, which lets others see what they are doing without posting to their profile. Stories disappear within 24 hours. Public profiles can be viewed by anyone, not just friends; while users must send a friend request before gaining access to posts on private accounts. Other features include direct messaging and live streaming.
In 2015, Instagram partnered with Tinder in response to users increasingly recognizing its advantages for dating and sex, providing more communication features and access to a larger user population.[20]Linking the two social media platforms allows other Tinder users to view your most recent Instagram posts.[9][11]
Previously Tinder accounts provided only basic information (first name, employment, education level, and bio), only allowing you access to other profiles when both users have swiped right.[13] In contrast, on Instagram users can choose what and how much they share about themselves on their profile, allowing all users to view your profile, unless the account is private.
Tinder profiles now include:
user’s location
multiple photos
city
gender
age (optional)
connection to Instagram profile (optional)
top Spotify artists (optional)
boomerangs (optional)
Tinder Gold (in-app purchase)
Are teens using dating apps?
60% of dating app users are between the ages of 18-24.[32]
The largest demographic on Instagram is males between 18-24 years old.[33]
US college students are turning to dating apps when bored or in need of a confidence boost.[2]
By the year 2040, an estimated 70% of coupleswill meet online.[3]
Dating App Fatigue
Why not just stick with Tinder? Experts posit that the change may be in response to dating app fatigue.[2] Studies have found that 32.9% of Tinder users delete the app within a day of downloading it.[3] Also, other dating apps do not provide the same amount of discretion and mystery as Instagram dating. Instagram allows its users to look for a romantic partner without everyone knowing they are on the market.[8]
Instagram Features that Facilitate Dating
Instagram is one of the main sources of social interactions for young people due to the following intuitive and useful features:
Stories feature (disappear in 24 hours):
Allows users to know who views their stories daily[2]
Remarkably low-risk ability to engage with a stranger or someone you’ve previously met in a seemingly spontaneous way (manner)[3]
Allows control over who can view your stories[4]
Offers a place to engage in a new form of casual stalking[6]
Direct Message (DM):
Messages come from people that the user knows, not a stranger.[6]
Provides a false sense of security, especially for kids
Profile:
The shift from viewing only those who have swiped right to seeing all profiles that are not private, provides users with a larger pool of dating options.
Explore Tab:
Caters to what you are used to seeing by showing users similar profiles to the ones they are viewing regularly.
Makes it easier for strangers to approach strangers.
Pops up random profiles that you would be interested in but may not have found on your own.
Gives people the opportunity to approach others that wouldn’t have had the opportunity to on other less popular dating apps.
Tindstagramming
“Sliding into someone’s DM” is the result of Instagram becoming a combo social media/dating app.[6]This refers to reaching out through someone’s direct message when romantically interested. DMs allow the user to hide behind their carefully crafted virtual identity.[9]
Engaging in tindstagramming is becoming more popular. Once-refused users on Tinder now have another shot at potentials on Instagram.[6]Some Tindstagrammers ignore the consensual component that comes with dating in real life.[7]This annoying trend was made easier when the two platforms partnered.
InstaDating
If you like someone, why bother with the complications of real-life flirting? Simply pressing a “like” button on Instagram is equivalent to giving someone a compliment. But it gets pretty subtle. For instance, if you “like” multiple photos it tells that person you are interested in more than friendship. Want to walk up to someone you think is cute and say hello? Now all you have to do is post a comment. The biggest telltale factor of dating on Instagram is when you start DMing. This is where the real flirting starts, and you know that the person is trying to make a move.[4]
Instagram is now our very own advertisement for our dating life.[4] The problem lies in the curation of our personalities online. If we form a connection with someone, they will only know the parts of us that we have shared (or falsely fabricated). So many features, so many options for your perfected virtual identity.
Statistics reveal that tinstagramming is catching on. A 2018 survey of men ages 18-35 found:
14% claimed to use the site to find dates
30% said they use photos from the site to masturbate
7% have paid for nude photos/videos on Instagram
5% have paid for sex on Instagram[20]
Hashtags are used to let others know you are looking to date:
#hookup
#sex
#davido
#chefchi
#lagos[30]
Instagram Dating Lingo
I have found it shockingly common for people to admit they met their partner on Instagram. Now that Instagram is so highly associated with dating, terms have been coined to describe different things couples do.
Here are new terms every parent should know:
Thirst Traps: A thirst trapis either a seductive video or image that’s posted to draw attention from people and receive approval.[4] When dating online, this could be the equivalent of dressing very promiscuously and going out to dance.
Sub-gramming (subgram):Subgrammingoccurs when someone posts photos on their profile that they have talked about with the person they are dating. They have not experienced it together, but it is in some way personal to them.[29]
Twinstagramming:Twinstagframmingis when both people in a relationship post the same (or practically identical) images. This allows others to insinuate that the two are dating.[29]
Orbiting: Orbitingis in a sense the opposite of ghosting. It takes place when, even after communication has ceased, someone continues to watch your stories daily. This is done when someone is still somewhat interested and wants to keep you as an option. However, they choose not to pursue you.[26]
Changes Seen in Real Life Dating
The social acceptance of online dating is a far cry from the negative stigma that used to be associated with it. Flirting also has less pressure associated with it. If you get rejected or ignored, simply try again. So many profiles to choose from…
Since 2017, posting a photo and becoming “Instagram official” has become a common practice for monogamous relationships.[29] Our children’s idea of chivalry is turning into whether their significant other watches their Instagram stories.[24]
It is also changing the way people show their affection in relationships. Users know their relationship is ill-fated when their companion stops viewing their stories.[24]
What to Teach our Kids
A new potential problem with Instagram becoming a dating site is the risk of more sexualized content and predatory people kids may encounter. If your child is at an age that you think dating is appropriate, there is more to teach them than there has been in the past. It’s better to have you teach your children these things than have them turn to outside sources for possibly misguided information.
What you can do:
Establish with your child what it looks like when someone cares for you.Make sure they have a firm grasp on reality. Explain to them how they should be treated in a relationship.
Help them create and maintain confidence and feelings of self-worth.Help them by facilitating engagement in tasks that are creative and fuel the soul.
Offer healthy off-screen hobbies when boredom strikes
Remind them you’re there.Avoid soul-killing lectures. Instead engage in fun, mutual conversations and encourage mutual story-telling. Challenge them to form their own opinions and encourage assertiveness. If they speak up to you, they’re more likely to speak up to dangerous others. Most of all, never let them forget that your love for them is unconditional.
How to Keep Your Child Safe on Instagram
Set account to private.
Use two-factor authentication. This offers more security upon login by requiring a password and your mobile device to access.[16]
No last name, identifying information or sexualized photos.
Control who views posts. Block anyone that you do not want to see your child’s posts (additional precaution to a private account).
Turn off location settings.[15]
Require that your child only friends people they know.
Report anything that makes you feel that your child’s safety is at risk.
Check your child’s account regularly. Remember, kids commonly have more than one Instagram profile (public, private, and finstagram).
Onward to More Awesome Parenting,
Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
Works Cited
[10] NZ Herald. “Lee Suckling: Why Instagram is the new Tinder” Lee Suckling, 2018.
[20] Mirror Techology. “Insta-bang? One in 20 men has PAID for sex on Instagram, survey reveals.” Shivali Best, 2018.
[3] Google. “Instagram is the only dating app we’re all using.” Dane Maximov, 2018.
[2] The Future Laboratory. “With real-life encounters still considered an unreliable means to instigate romance, Instagram makes sense as a more practical tool for match-making.” Holly Friend, 2018.
[32] Recode “Tinder and Instagram are ‘crippling’ relationships, sex therapist.” Eric Johnson, 2018.
[33] Google. “47 Incredible Instagram Statistics.” Kit Smith, 2019.
[6] Mashable. “Sliding into Instagram DMs is the new way of digitally flirting,” Rachel Thompson, 2017.
[7] Independent. “‘Tindstagramming’ is a new dating trend – and it needs to stop.” Olivia Petter, 2017.
[9] New York. “The Scourge of the Tindstagrammer: Tinder Rejects Who Creep on Instagram.” Paris Martineau, 2017.
[13] Refinery 29. “Tindstagramming Is The Creepy New Dating Trend You Need To Know.” Natalie Gil, 2017.
[11] VIDA Select. “How To Link And Disconnect Tinder From Instagram”
[8] Digital Trends. “First comes Instagram, then comes love: Why Instagram is displacing dating apps.” Molly McHugh, 2013.
[4] The New York Times. “Instagram Is Now a Dating Platform, Too. Here’s How It Works.” Valeriya Safronova, 2017.
[30] Google. “Hashtags for #hookup” 2017.
[29] Medium. “Going “Instagram official” is the new way to declare your relationship status.” Taylor Lorenz, 2017.
[26] HuffPost. “I Gave Up Dating Apps And Caught The Man Of My Dreams In A Thirst Trap On Instagram” Emily McCombs, 2018.
[24] “The New Dating Requirement: Consuming All of Your Partner’s #Content” Taylor Lorenz, 2018.
[16] Instagram Press. “Tips for Staying Safe on Instagram by Instagram Info Center.” Instagram Press, 2017.
[15] Mothers Circle. “5 Instagram Safety Tips for Teens.” Ali DeCesare, 2013.
Dr. Bennett recently told me a story about her friend Abby’s first experience using the dating app Tinder. Her first date sounded perfect for a middle-aged woman new to the dating scene. Like her friends told her, she met her “match” for a quick drink. She knew better than to get into his car or reveal where she lived. They had a few drinks and then walked to a nearby restaurant for dinner. He was a gentleman, handsome and professional. She couldn’t wait to get home to tell her friends about him.
When she called my professor that night, Abby was beside herself excited about this guy. Dr. Bennett, quietly wondering if it was too good to be true, suggested that she Google him. A person’s digital footprint can reveal a lot. So, Abby Googled. You will never believe what she found out…
It turns out that the man of her dreams was everything he said he was. He was recently overseas as a military officer and had gotten out of a serious relationship several years before. But she also found out that the relationship ended with stalking, an attempted kidnapping, and years in federal prison. Her night went from fantasy to nightmare in a few keystrokes.
Today’s GKIS article reveals what every parent needs to know about the famous hook-up app recently turned dating app, Tinder.
With the rise of screen technology in full effect, the dating game has changed forever. Instead of going out to meet people, many teens and adults rely on dating apps to potentially meet their future soul mates. Or are they just looking for a casual hook up? This new hook up culture revolves heavily around the dating app, Tinder.
What is Tinder?
Tinder is a free dating app that you can use either on your mobile device or home computer. After signing up, you can connect with Facebook to merge your mutual friends, interests, and pictures with the Tinder app. There is a new feature to simply log in with a phone number. Tinder uses your location to match with other user’s close in proximity. If interested in one’s profile, users have the option to either “swipe right” which is a “go” or “swipe left” which indicates a “no.” In other words, play or pass. Once users are matched, meaning they both swiped right on each other’s profile, they can begin a conversation – whether it’s gifs (animated or static images) or messages.
What are Tinder’s popular features?
When linking Facebook to Tinder, you have access to a network of friends whom can potentially share similar interests.
The app works off of your geographic location, giving you an option to find matches within a specific radius. The user can match with people as close to 1 mile away and as far as 100 miles away. There is a setting where you can choose the maximum distance you prefer to swipe from.
Users can edit their profile and select certain photos, create a personal bio, and insert personal demographic information they would like to share.
In order to search for matches, users swipe through profiles until they are matched with another user. Once matched, users have the option to message or keep swiping through other profiles.
Users can exchange messages, reactions, and gif’s which disappear after 24 hours. Users also have the ability to like a message sent from another user. Sending a reaction to one of your matches is a new feature on snapchat. Reactions look like a bigger emoji that moves and takes up most of the screen. The reactions include sending a shooting heart, a constant laughing face, clapping hands, a jumping cocktail drink, and an eye roll. (They do add new reactions randomly).
What is included in the personal profile?
The first thing that appears on one’s personal profile is your photo. It also gives an option to swipe through the other photos posted on the account.
Underneath the photo, it shows the user’s name and age. Depending on the user’s privacy preferences, it may also show one’s gender, interests, photos from Instagram, education and job details, a chosen anthem from Spotify, and one’s distance from your location.
What are the privacy options?
Although Tinder is connected to Facebook, Tinder does not have authorization to post anything to one’s Facebook page.
The information entered to sign up for Tinder can be hidden from other users. This includes e-mail address, home address, phone number, and birthday.
When managing privacy options, users can opt to upgrade to Tinder Plus in order to hide their age and location to others.
How long has it been around and how popular is it?
Tinder was launched in 2012 by developer Sean Rad, Jonathan Badeen Justin Mateen, Joe Munoz, Whitney Wolfe and Chris Gylczynski. The app has been growing in numbers ever since. “Research shows there are 50 million active users who check their Tinder accounts up to 11 times per day (Claire, 2017).”
What are the risks for use?
Cyberbully potential:
Other Tinder users can send threatening/cruel messages or offensive pictures
Fake accounts and impersonation.
Users can become desperate for likes and matches, potentially affecting self-perception and self-esteem.
Making poor decisions:
There is a temptation to participate in casual hookups that can potentially lead to a unsafe sex and victimization.
Since location plays a huge role in this app, it is easy for online predators to target Tinder users.
What are the protection features?
If a user is sending inappropriate messages or images, there is an option to un-match with them and this disallows them to contact you.
You have the option to upgrade to Tinder Plus, which allows you to hide location and age.
There is also an option to turn-off the option to show your profile on Tinder.
Thank you to CSUCI student Nicole Hunnicutt for co-authoring this article. One thing no parent wants to think about is how predators use social media to target victims for sex trafficking. Most of us think this is the kind of thing that only happens to vulnerable youth in poor countries. Unfortunately, children and teens are victimized in most American towns with families in every income level. All it takes is a cunning predator and a kid with a screen. To take safety measures today to Get(your)KidsInternetSafe, check out this article on how sex traffickers use social media to recruit victims.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Claire, M. (2017, February 21). Tinder: The Online Dating App Everyone’s Talking About. Retrieved March 02, 2017, from http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/sex-and-relationships/tinder-the-online-dating-app-that-everyone-s-talking-about-112522
