During the age of lockdowns and quarantines, many children have discovered a new way of finding someone new to talk to. A website known as Omegle, and other websites like it, have filled this social gap in many people’s lives. Omegle is considered a ‘roulette’ style website, where users may set interests and get matched with people with the same interest. This can be only a text chat, or it can be a video chat. If you find screen safety issues overwhelming in your family, you’ll benefit from Dr. Bennett’s weekly parenting and coaching videos on our Screen Safety Essentials Course. The most important thing that parents can do is be aware of the potential risks and promote an environment of open communication with your children. In this program, Dr. B offers a comprehensive family program for fostering this kind of communication in her Screen Safety Essentials Course. With this course, your family will learn tons of information about how to create a safer screen home environment while also connecting and having fun as a family. Armed with the right tools, you and your family can learn how to better thrive in today’s digital era. In this GKIS Sensible Guide, we will explain what you should know before letting your child chat away with complete strangers.
How long has Omegle been around, and how popular is it?
Omegle was created in March 2009. Omegle has recently seen over 54 million daily visits.[2] According to Google, searches for the site began to increase during March 2020, with the number of searches quadrupling the week before Christmas.[1] This surge in users isn’t much of a surprise. People were stuck inside their homes for almost a year due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Much of that time was spent on the computer, so why wouldn’t a website that allows someone to meet a new person be appealing? Teenagers have also created a ritual of hanging out together in person and going on Omegle as a group.
Omegle does state that to use the website, one must be over the age of 13. This is done with a simple pop-up box that can be clicked away. No date verification is required, so this is easy for children to bypass. As explained in the book Screen Time in the Mean Time, parents should use their best judgment to determine whether or not their child is ready to use a website like this. This GKIS Sensible Guide aims to help inform the parents so they are able to make the best decision possible.
Features of Omegle
Text-Chat
Individuals are prompted to enter optional interests to help match them. There are two options for the text chat: Text or Spy Mode
Text: Users are randomly matched in pairs, either based on their interests or completely at random if no interests were entered. Users are completely anonymous so there is no way to get someone’s information unless they offer it. Even if they offer it, they can (and likely will) lie. Either user may end the chat at any time.
Spy: Three users are matched together, two regular chatters and a spy. The spy prompts the other two with a previously entered question. The spy is unable to contribute to the conversation at all, they may only watch. The chatters focus on answering the question presented. Any user can end the conversation at any time.
There is no option for a ‘filtered’ text option. The website warns against profanity, sexual harassment, or violent threats, but there is no way to filter those statements out. If the user gets matched with someone who does any of these, the website simply says to ‘end the chat’.
The website itself warns that predators have been known to use text/video chat to groom or lure victims. It claims that it cannot control human behavior, and only the person committing these actions should be held accountable.
Video-Chat
Similar to text chat, users are randomly matched based on interests if possible. This can be in pairs or in groups. All user’s webcams will turn on while searching for a match.
This section has an option to report nudity, violent threats, and sexual content in addition to numerous other things one might encounter during chatting. This section does not allow any of these.
This section is aimed at users under the age of 18.
These filters to protect users don’t always work. Even the website itself warns that some things of inappropriate nature might be encountered.
“Unmonitored” Video-Chat
This is a carbon copy of the video-chat section with one crucial difference. No filter is used to prevent users from showing nudity or sexual imagery on their webcam chat.
This section is aimed at users who want a more ‘mature’ chatting experience, as long as they are over the age of 18.
Benefits of Omegle
When used correctly, and age-appropriately, it allows for individuals to talk with someone who has similar interests.
It can help an individual feel less alone and more connected in a quarantined world.
Risks of Omegle
The filters in place for the monitored section have inconsistent results. Some users still report encountering things that they shouldn’t several times in a row.
Children are more susceptible to believing an individual who may be lying. This may result in them giving information they shouldn’t to a complete stranger.
This website has the potential to expose children to sexual imagery, violent threats, phishing scams, and numerous other dangers.
None of the age checks are secure. Your child can easily access a section of the website that they shouldn’t with one simple click, no verification needed. This poses both a giant risk for the child and a giant temptation for them.
Throughout its lifetime Omegle has proven to be a constant source of controversy. This led GKIS to consider Omegle to be a red-light app, meaning that it is not recommended for anyone under the age of 18. The possible exposure to explicit material is too hard to control, and the fact that the website itself warns that predators do use this website to target victims were two of many factors that led us to this decision. If you think that your child may be using Omegle or other social media apps, consider our Social Media Readiness Course to help them stay safe.
Thanks to CSUCI intern, Dakota Byrne for researching Omegle and co-authoring this article.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
It seems everybody is on their screens all of the time. Whether you’re working on your computer or your kids are texting and walking back from school, screen use can take an unexpected toll on your body. Find out about “text neck” and what you can do to avoid damaging and even dangerous distractions and repetitive use injuries.
What is a repetitive strain injury?
According to the CDC, device use has contributed to a 10% increase in unintentional child injuries.[1] Overuse or repetitive strain injuries (RTI) refers to bodily injuries that result from reduced blood flow to the muscles, bones, and ligaments as a result of poor posture or repeated movement.[2]For kids, repetitive strain injuries can occur from repeated movements typical in sports play, video controller use, or from repeatedly swiping or texting on smartphones and from excessive screen use.
Preventable Repetitive Strain and Misuse Injuries
Tendonitis
Repetitive strain injuries from excessive screen use include tendonitis in the shoulder, elbow, forearm, wrist, and hand and back or neck strain.
Ocular Migraines
Migraine headaches, particularly ocular migraines, are also becoming increasingly common due to excessive screen use. Symptoms of ocular migraines include visual disturbances like temporary vision loss, blind spots, auras, flashing lights or seeing stars, and zigzag lines.
Tinnitus
Tinnitus refers to a hissing, buzzing, whistling, roaring, or ringing in the ears that result from exposure to excessive and loud noises. Not only can the tiny hairs in the inner ear be damaged by loud and excessive noises, but they can also occur due to aging, sudden impact noises, middle ear infections, stress, negative side effects from medications, neck or head injuries, and other untreated medical conditions. Currently, tinnitus is incurable, but symptoms can be relieved with techniques like sound therapy (listening to specially selected distracting sounds).
Postural Injuries
A postural injury refers to injuries that result from accumulated pressure due to poor posture while sitting, using your computer, driving, wearing high heels, or standing. If you’re not using good posture your bones don’t properly align and your muscles, joints, and ligaments can’t work as they are designed to.
The most common postural injuries include
lower back pain
neck pain
shoulder impingement
knee pain
carpal tunnel syndrome (numbness, tingling, and weakness in your hand and arm due to nerve impingement in your wrist)
piriformis syndrome(pain that radiates down the back of the legs when the piriformis muscle compresses the sciatic nerve when sitting or crossing your legs)[3]
Text Neck
Another common type of postural injury among kids and teens is text neck. Text neckrefers to premature degeneration and malformation of the neck and spine caused by looking down at the screen for texting.
In the past, these types of injuries were only seen among aging dentists and welders. Now physicians are seeing these injuries in teens.
Hanging your head at a sixty-degree angle while texting places sixty pounds of force on the neck. This is far beyond the ten pounds of force your neck is designed to support when your head is in the neutral position.
Kyphosis
Poor texting posture can be particularly problematic for young users whose spines are still developing and could lead to arthritic changes in the spine, bone spurs, or muscle deformities. Research findings indicated that kyphosis, which refers to an S-curve of the spine or rounded back, can be caused by the loosening of ligaments in the spine aggravated by screen use.
Prevention
Instead of taking away the screen device or video controller altogether, simply implement healthy screen practices in your family.
Here are some great injury prevention ideas
Balance off-screen and on-screen activities.
Download an app, use parental controls like those we offer in our Screen Safety Toolkit, or provide a simple kitchen timer for time limit compliance and body-healthy rest and stretch breaks. Suggested break times are fifteen-minute for every forty-five minutes of play.
Encourage your kids to refocus their eyes for twenty seconds after every twenty minutes of screen time
Set up kids’ yoga, which helps with strength, stabilization, balance, and range of motion. Plus, kids learn more about their physiology and how to optimize healthy posture and avoid painful injuries. We recommend watching Youtuber AloYoga’s video “Yoga for Kids with Alissa Kepas.”
Implement ergonomics, the study of people, and their efficiency when interacting in different environments. The primary goal of ergonomics is to arrange a workplace so that it fits the individual working there.
Ergonomic computer setups include:
Eyes leveled with the top of the screen
Head and neck balanced and in line with the torso
Shoulders relaxed
Elbows supported and close to the body
Wrists and hands in-line with forearms
Feet flat on the floor
Overhead lighting dim to prevent glare
Curious to learn more helpful tips on RTI prevention? More information can be found in Dr. Bennett’s book, Screen Time in the Mean Time.
Distraction Injuries
We’ve all seen this form of injury in headlines about car accidents due to texting while driving. We’ve even had a laugh at trips and falls while texting in programs such as America’s Homes Funniest Videos where a person may trip and fall while texting. A distraction injury is an injury resulting from one’s attention being taken by screen use (texting, viewing, talking, or video conferencing).
While Walking
On CBS News you can find an article where a woman was texting and so distracted, she fell into a mall fountain.4 Or maybe you saw the viral video of a guy who literally ran into a bear while walking and staring into his phone. The Internet is alive with videos of injuries that have resulted from distracted walking or bicycle riding. The possibility of bringing harm to yourself has become such an issue that New Jersey has proposed a ban on walking and texting.5 Remind your child that there is a time and place to be sure you are being extra cautious towards your surroundings, such as walking in the streets.
While Driving
Distracted driving accounts for 60% of all teen accidents.6 Teens are more reliant on their phones and lack experience behind the wheel. According to CNN Health, texting is the most distracting form of device use and has been proven to limit the number of times an individual will look up and look both ways before crossing.7
TheCDC Youth Behavior Surveillance System (YRBSS) reports that 39.2% of teens will use devices while driving.8 While you may assume that your teen knows better, it’s always a smart choice to play it safe. This can be as easy as putting devices out of sight while driving or adopting helpful tech.
Tech Tools That Can Help
Use the “Do Not Disturb” mode on their smartphone to ensure safety practices when you’re not around.
On iPhones:
Go to settings
At the very top, there will be a search bar, type “driving”
Press “Do Not Disturb While Driving”
Activate the Feature at the bottom
If your phone doesn’t already have the Do Not Disturb feature, the following are GKIS-approved apps that can assist in distracting free driving!9
The AT&T Drive Mode App silences incoming alerts and calls. The application automatically activates once you’ve reached a speed of 15 mph or higher. If you’re concerned about not calling your kid and being left on voicemail with no notice, the app has customizable automatic responses that will let the parent know they are driving and will answer them afterward.
The OMW (On My Way) app works similarly to the AT&T app, but rather than activating at 15 mph it starts at 10 and higher. Aside from this you could earn points and win discounts for being a safe driver.
The Safe 2 Save app also allows you to earn points for being a safe driver by giving discounts to local businesses. The app also encourages users to include pictures of loved ones as a reminder of who they’re driving safely for.
Think you’ll need a helping hand in implementing all these tips? Contact ourscreen safety expert and founder of GKIS Dr. Tracy Bennett for a telehealth coaching session to discuss specific outside-the-box screen safety tips! In a quick, fun, and customized family workshop, you’ll feel more at ease knowing you have the tools to continue to have important safety conversations with your kids.
Special thanks to Aroni Garcia for researching and co-writing this article. If you liked the article, you’re interested in learning more tips on how to manage device time to avoid distracted driving and repetitive tech use, look at What Age Should We Allow Smartphones?
The summer is coming to a close, which means students and parents are preparing for the back to school mayhem. I don’t know about you, but the first day of school always manages to sneak up too suddenly at our house. We at GKIS are all about making family life easier so there’s more time for joyful rejuvenation. Here are a few helpful screen-help parenting hacks that can get you prepared for the madness.
Virtual Shopping for Back to School
I’m already after my kids to make their linked wish list for school clothes to avoid crowded school shopping that leaves us all haggard. The Giftster app is what I was looking for! The app allows for family members to share a wish list for the next upcoming event such as birthday, holiday, and back-to-school.
Super Deals
It’s not just the time shopping that can leave us depleted, so can the spending! To get the best coupon discounts, download RetailMeNot.
Not only can you browse for sales, coupons, cash back, and gift card savings, but I often search store names once I’ve collected my purchases. The online coupon can then be scanned at the register. I’m also in the habit of asking for AAA, education, or military discounts in the counter. Our local retail mall often offers up to 20% off every purchase if you qualify.
Staying Within the Budget
Beyond discounts, many of us need to stay within a budget. Intuit’s Mint app links to your bank card for close budget tracking. Spending is laid out on an easy-to-read graph to help you tracking spending in real time.It also gives spending suggestions, allows you to track and pay bills, and gives tips on how to improve your credit score.
Quick and Easy Money Transfers
Another money app that can alleviate stress is the Venmo app. This app allows users to send money to each other with a click of a button.
If your teen is eager to earn independence, a quick money transfer can be the difference between a fun trip with their friends and a stressful tug of war with a parent. Handy notations help parents track how much and when money was offered. This is far easier than handing over money or your credit card.
Location Sharing
Location sharing is a where one person can locate the other via their phone signal. For teens this may be a fun way to see where your friends are; however for parents, this is the perfect way to see what your kids are up to.
Wondering if your youngest made it home safely on the bus? Look up his location, and you’ll be put to ease knowing they’re safe. Wondering why your oldest isn’t picking up your calls? Look them up and see that they’re at the movies, so there’s no need to worry.
As a parent, keeping track of your kids may sound easy, but life can get crazy and sharing your location with your family is a great tool to put little worries to rest and reduce stress.
For android users with a Google account, simply add their Gmail address to your Google Contacts, open the Google Maps app and sign in, tap Menu> Location sharing> Add people.
For iPhones, simply go to the contact that you wish to share your location with, then select Share Location, and select the amount of time you wish to share your location. I often track my kids from messages simply by tapping the little i in the circle in the upper right-hand corner on your texting screen.
Life360 is a free location app that is amazing! You can set up alerts for when family members make it to a specific location (like kids home from school), view route information for distracted driving details, give at-a-glance information and easy access to check in messaging requests, and offers private and group chats as well as group circles and flexible location sharing. Now that my 16 year-old is driving, this is a MUST HAVE at our house.
Thank you to GKIS intern, Adam Ramos, for helping us get the most useful time-and money-saving apps. Also, because teens can be sneaky, make sure and read The GKIS Sensible Parent’s Guide to Venmo so you know every work-around. Have time-saving apps you love? Share them with us in the comments.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
You’re reading with the hopes that this is one of those bait-and-switch sensational articles, right? Oh how I wish that was true. Unfortunately, I have run across a phenomenon that few parents know about, and those that do are too ashamed to tell anybody. The ugly truth is that middle school girls, with their immature frontal lobes and tender insecurities, are trying to attract high school boys by texting them sexy images of their blossoming private parts. It’s like they’ve invented an unregulated child porn matchmaking profile that doesn’t even have privacy settings, terms of agreement, or the option to delete the profile. Just a CLICK and SEND and your daughter’s catastrophically nude profile image is available to everybody everywhere forever, no take-backs. Thirty seconds of bad judgment at twelve years old launches a nightmare digital footprint and sullied online reputation. Ouch!
And what about the boys? They enthusiastically log in to this mess too. Some become expert at grooming the girls to send the sexy photos which they then share with their “boyz” on the wrestling team for quickly growing “<city name> nudes exposed!” collections. And to make things more horrifying, the boldest of the boys proudly share their name lists of the virginity prizes personally collected from girls they intentionally targeted who were too young to know any better. Fifteen minutes and these young women have exposed their vulnerabilities, their reputations, and the essence of their true potential. It’s like these teens lost their minds and logged in for an on- and off-line pimp-prostitute internship program. All that was needed was a mobile phone with texting ability and a misguided sense of adventure.
How do I know this? Because I’m a psychologist and the teens I see tell me the shameful truth, all of it; the truths that trigger pride, shame, sadness, and desperation. They tell me all about how they “released their nude” when they turned 12 years old in order to attract attention from the older boys. Or how they were duped into it by the soothing promises from entrepreneurial Romeos, only to find out later that they were lied to and it had been shared over text to the high school football team. There’s also the confessions from the boys that get their “ah-ha! I was being a dirt bag” moment when their frontal lobes come online later in high school. And believe it or not, both genders are capable of being predatory on the other. I hear what most parents don’t know.
I remember the first session when I realized this was a thing. I was seeing a beautiful eighth grade girl who was starting to get it and was lamenting about her best friend who purposely “put a nude out” when she was 11 year old. At 15 years old, the friend was bizarrely proud of it being re-released via text to “everyone in the county” four years later. My client guessed it was the fourth mass texting of the image. I sat there, horrified and dumbfounded, assessing my ethical requirements to the teens involved and my community in general. As a mother, I began visualizing the creation of a blueprint for Rapunzel’s tower in our backyard for my kids, screen-media-free.
So much of my young client’s disclosure made me deeply upset for everybody involved. I was saddened that children this young had already learned how to use and exploit sexuality as a cheap commodity. I was saddened that these kids broker power through contemptuous attention catamount to social media “likes.” I was saddened that there was an army of teenagers willing to receive these tragic misperceptions of self worth. And I was furious that some actively groomed their victims to build a sick collection of lost innocence with no more thought than they gave to their Pokémon collections six months earlier. Keep in mind that in many cases these releases are consensual, while in others coerced.
I imagine you’re thinking, “What kind of amoral community does this writer live in anyway? My kids would NEVER do that!” Right? I’m sorry to tell you that I live in the same community you do. This is not an isolated phenomenon. Participants come from all types of families, families of all income levels and religions with great parents and slack parents. Short of raising your child in a stone tower, there is no family situation where your parenting supervision cannot be breached.
Of course there are situations where children tend to be the most vulnerable. But the temptation is there for even the most well adjusted kids. And to make things even more concerning, this pimp-prostitute culture does not always end by college age. The media is rampant with stories of fraternity houses that have private Facebook pages littered with nude photos of non-consenting women and blatant drug deals, not to mention social media and hookup dating sites flooded with sexual trolling. Like it or not, the young have their own culture of sexuality that is different from their parents.
What has led us here? Is it the unregulated Wild West atmosphere of the Internet? Perhaps it is the moral decay of the Western culture? Perhaps it is the accumulation of sexualization and objectification of women splashed throughout popular culture over decades? Are permissive parents to blame or the rapid technological developments we simply cannot keep up with? And more importantly, what is going to lead us out?
My university students and I discuss this often, and I think you would be surprised how many advocate for mass regulation and filtering while I wonder about the sincerity of their self-righteousness. Because like them, I am conflicted about what makes up our “rights” for online liberties balanced with personal vulgarity and decency standards. Until our legislators are able to fully secure online child pornography portals, some which apparently begin in our own unsuspecting homes, parents must get serious about becoming informed and taking real action. And believe it or not, waiting until your child reaches the teen years to do this is simply too late.
I created GetKidsInternetSafe (GKIS) to provide sensible support and easy-to-implement guides for parents at all stages of the game. After all, the fantasy of locking your child out of technology is simply not realistic. Whether you have a toddler just starting to clamor for her tablet, an elementary schooler playing his first video game, a middle schooler begging for social media, or a high schooler who’s already technologically fluent, it is imperative that you become fluent in screen media activities.
With the help of GKIS, you can become informed, educate your children and set expectations about digital citizenship and online reputation, create a family dialogue about GKIS screen smarts, stage your home, filter and block online portals, set up sensible GKIS family rules and regulations, and most important of all, become your child’s trusted ally and guide should they stumble into an on or offline tangle. Too busy or overwhelmed by the task? Let GKIS be your guide.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.
I intended for today’s blog to be a quick one until I myself became confused about the differences between texting and instant messaging. Then I started wondering if my iPhone could contract a virus from texting! And the rest is included in today’s GKIS beginners guide to texting and instant messaging.
WHAT IS TEXTING?
Texting = brief, electronic messages sent between individuals or groups of people through portable screen media devices over a phone network. Your text contact handle is your mobile phone number.
Texting typically also allows transmission of images, videos, and sound content, also called MMS messages (multimedia messaging service).
You can text from your computer by installing an short message service (SMS) app.
The first commercial texting was offered in 1994. Today, 91% of adult Americans own a cell phone and 81% of those users text (Pew Research, 2013).
Currently, mobile phone viruses are rare (but on the rise) and occur almost exclusively from phones running the Symbian operating system.
Technically, a mobile phone can be infected by accepting maliciously baited texts, through Bluetooth connections, or from downloading from the Internet or connecting to a computer. Infected files are typically disguised as applications like games, security patches, and pornography.
Currently there are no reported viruses that auto-install, meaning you must agree to install program to be infected. Keep in mind they are disguised to be something you want!
To be safe, it’s best to only download apps from reputable sources. If you are concerned that you downloaded malware, there are antivirus scanning programs on the market.
Apple, Microsoft, and Research in Motion smartphones are less targeted.
Advertisers have figured out how to use bulk texting to attract buyers.
Medical offices now use texting to send reminders.
Texting can also be used to remotely control appliances.
Texting issues of concern include texting while driving or walking, sexting, cyberbullying, distraction, security, misrepresentation, and spamming.
WHAT IS INSTANT MESSAGING?
Instant Messaging (IM) = a service that allows real-time text-based messages (chatting) between an individual or groups of people over the Internet. Simply type and SEND. To send an instant message, you typically need a username and password.
Using “push technology”, advanced IMing allows a user to also transfer files (like images and videos), hyperlinks (links you click on to take you to a website), voice over Internet protocol using microphones (IP) (like Skype and Google Talk), video chat (using microphones and webcams), and web conferencing (video calling and instant messaging).
Instant messaging is different from email because both users are usually “logged on” to the instant messaging service. However, many systems allow users to communicate even when they are not logged on, making them very similar to email.
Developed in the 1980s, instant messaging became popular in the 1990s through America Online (AOL). In 2010 various social media (FaceBook chat, Twitter) started offering IM capability.
Most popular social media have IM capacity (e.g., FaceBook, Instagram, Snapchat, Google+, LinkedIn).
The most popular instant messaging apps are WhatsApp, China’s WeChat, Viber, and Japan’s LINE. Many of these have privacy protection concerns because they don’t offer end-to-end encryption.
Black hat hackers have often used IM networks for phishing and delivering malware like viruses, computer worms, Trojan horses, and spyware.
A typical ploy used by malicious hackers is to send a socially engineered text (from a friend on your contact list) that directs the recipient to a poisonous URL. Once the recipient arrives to at that site, the cycle begins again when the same text is sent to everybody in their contact list to claim more victims.
Corporations typically have log-in and security features installed in their IM systems that allow tracking, archiving, and content scanning.
Media has reported that the National Security Agency (NSA) is tracking and archiving email and instant messaging content using metadata collection methods.
Chat rooms= online sites where users who are typically unknown to each other communicate via multicast (one-to-many) transmission. Often chat rooms offer IMing between users on a “buddy list” so they can instant message privately as well. Instant messaging from chat rooms is either transmitted peer-to-peer or client-server (messages go to a central server which then re-transmits the message to the client).
HOW ARE TEXTING AND IM THE SAME?
Both allow you to type messages to an individual or group of people in real time on handheld screen media devices and your computer
Internet slang or textspeak is commonly used when texting and instant messaging (e.g., LOL, BRB)
HOW ARE TEXTING AND IM DIFFERENT?
Texting is typically done on smartphones using cellular data. You can also text through the computer by downloading an app that allows the use of short message service (SMS) data.
You can text anyone who has service. However, you can only IM people who have that IM service.
You pay your phone provider for texting, whereas most instant messaging services are free. However, you do pay for the data use with instant messaging.
I hope that quick tutorial helps you become the tech expert in your home and furthers your journey to get your kids Internet safe.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.
Parenting will probably be the hardest thing we ever do. If you don’t think that yet … buckle in it’s probably coming. With screens, parenting has gotten even harder. I also think it’s gotten more difficult to be a teen. Normal developmental mistakes are broadcast and shared among too many immediately and the sharing of dangerous “coping” methods happen too often. This article is about my oldest daughter, who graduated in 2012. This was even before the scary social media platforms came on-scene. Here’s a story about a road trip with a teen, texting, and a perimenopausal mother; what could possibly go wrong?
My oldest daughter, Carly, is amazing. She has always had the kind of vibrancy that makes everybody in her presence buzz. She’s smart, funny, and beautiful, and I’m beyond smitten with her. (I know, duh, I’m her mom). She and I have a close and complex relationship. She was my only for eight years and my mini-mom for her younger brother and sister after that. We complete each other’s sentences, yet have totally different ideas of “clean.” Nobody knows me better or gets to me quicker. Just as she puts sparkle in my soul, she can make me simmer with frustration.
During the summer between her sophomore and junior years, I panicked that she was not intending to pursue the future of my dreams. Yes, I said MY dreams. Since I loved her so much, I dreamed her future would be pre-paved by my hard-earned experience. No failures and frustrations for my child. She’d accept my wisdom and effortlessly make her way.
You’d think I’d know better being a shrink. Of course kids don’t accept parent influence like that. Once they become teens, it’s the healthy course for them to be hell-bent on stumbling into their own mistakes. As they hitch their own wagons, we can only look on wide-eyed and trembling. It is then that parents must grieve the children they expected (fantasy) and accept the children they got (reality).
Lucky for me, Carly’s true self is way better than my fantasy of who she would be. I had to learn that by coursing through many parenting challenges along the way. Don’t judge, you will too. 🙂
One of those challenges happened with my brilliant idea to inspire Carly’s academic goals with a college visit road trip. Well, technically it wasn’t all my idea. At the time, we were hanging with the coolest parents we know, at the coolest backstage concert venue we’ve ever been, when we were treated with the story of how their college road trip inspired their son into four-year university. Convinced at that moment I was failing to inspire as a parent, I rushed home and frantically mapped out a last minute, end-of-the-summer college road trip throughout Central and Northern California. Just Carly and I on a life adventure! It’s an understatement to say that Carly was NOT happy with my impulsive announcement. It was honestly nothing less than a cultish abduction inspired by maternal enthusiasm. I dismissed her pleas to let her spend the remaining two weeks of summer hanging with her friends and packed us up to go, snacks and sodas in the cooler, playlists on the iPod. Carly affectionately calls me BOSS LADY for a reason.
We launched on a beautiful sunny day; me at the wheel chirping excitedly with agenda in hand, Carly beside me rolling her eyes wearing a hoodie, earphones, and scowling contempt. At 15 years old, her love-hate for me ran deep and boiling, just as mine did for my mother when I was 15. I understood it completely and considered myself impervious, saintly if you will. After all, in my panic it was evident I had few opportunities left to land amazing feats of perfect mothering. And damn it we were going to go down ablaze tryin’!
Carly and I were no strangers to mother-daughter togetherness. As cheer mom of her high school cheer squad, I drove her and her friends to every home and away game for all football, basketball, and volleyball seasons for two years running; her little brother and sister clutching their Nintendo DS’s in tow. She and I were like a well-oiled machine fueled by smoothies and silver hair bows.
Upon pulling out of the driveway, Carly immediately hijacked the stereo for hip-hop, knowing that in an hour I’d pull rank to soak in my achingly sad singer-songwriter dirges. I was afire with anticipation.
It was as soon as the second hour of driving when my eager delight began to wane. At this point, I had exhausted my most inspired questions to entice her into conversation. She occasionally placated me with a forced nod or two-word response, most the time texting madly to her army of fascinating friends. When she did talk to me, she would give me that dead-eyed stare only teenage girls can give their mothers, then look with adoration at her iPhone, throwing her head back giggling at times with true delight. It was beyond annoying.
By the fifteenth dead-eyed stare, I was sulking and angry, or more accurately, self-righteously furious. How could she be so entitled when I had given up EVERYTHING to pave this path of college educational awesomeness? Kids these days and their entitlement…my head abuzz with indignation.
Now I could drag you through some entertaining tales about this road trip that would make you LOL and recoil in empathy for us both, but I won’t. Let’s just say she had little interest in navigating, and I had little interest in being compassionate. Overall, we rescued a pretty good trip.
Reflecting Back . . .
A credit to Carly’s innate kindness, she somehow forgave my epic tantrum stemming from my perceived rejection the first three hours. And over the next ten days we braved a historical B&B full of rose-colored wallpaper and creepy staring dolls, had a whirl through San Francisco with my two best college buddies in a convertible Mini Cooper, and hobnobbed with drag queens in the Castro district. We drove along beautiful pine mountain roads, ate lots of cheeseburgers, and splashed our feet in a gurgling stream. I even backed into a pole in a parking lot, which was awesome modeling in crisis management considering she was logging driving permit hours.
Oh and the college tours! Despite my efforts to entice her into the campus of my dreams, Carly soundly vetoed every campus visited, ultimately choosing what turned out to be the perfect local alternative. No pine woods and darling river guide co-eds for Carly. She opted for a slower academic transition closer to home with beaches and frat boys. True to our special connection, we ultimately negotiated a choice that honored her individuality while soothing my fears of academic slacking. She even saved us loads of cash along the way, while kicking tail to a bachelor’s degree earned in only four years! Unheard of in today’s impacted college campuses. She had an awesome college experience…and I learned that I should have listened to her better…and sooner.
On this riot of a road trip, I learned more from Carly than she will ever know. Not only did I recognize that she is worthy of profound trust, but also that my fears that she would no longer need me were only partly true. And that army of texters that kept her distracted from my neediness? They wanted what was best for her too. Ultimately I had to learn to trust them as well.
From the proud heartbreak of watching my little girl become her own woman, I gathered the serenity I needed to help other families negotiate the loaded landscape of adolescence. The truth is, no matter how much we want to rescue them from life’s tragedies, they must experience their own failures to find success.
As we hide our faces in fear, we must not forget to peek through and be impressed by their gritty adolescent ferocity, because that is exactly what is necessary to carve adult resilience. To preserve sanity during your occasionally terrifying parenting journey, keep your sense of humor and remember that each challenging phase passes. But the special memories live forever…especially those that involve hiphop, mountain passes, and too many cheeseburgers. Enjoy your frantic, panic-inspired road trips.
