Has your child been manipulated and exploited online? Influencing people to send nudes is an example of sexual coercion, and it happens more than you think.[1] A survey found that 36% of participants reported experiencing digital sexual coercion.[2] And too often, it happens to young teens. Statistics say one in 33 kids is approached online, but many don’t report it.[3] Too often when kids come forward, they lose their screen privileges as a result. This punishes kids for seeking help, so they learn to keep scary online problems to themselves. This is my story of being the victim of digital sexual coercion when I was only 13 years old.
He was 17, I was 13
When I was in seventh grade, my PE class overlapped with eleven graders, and that’s where I met Dale. Dale was 17 and new at our school. I was 13, friendly, outgoing, and happy to introduce myself. Dale added me on Facebook, and we began to get close. My mom didn’t even know I had Facebook because I hid it. But honestly, if she had a resource like the GKIS Screen Safety Essentials Course, I wouldn’t have been able to hide it from her. I could have skipped this whole trauma. Nothing like GKIS was around back then. I was a sitting duck.
How We Got Close
Within two weeks, Dale and I were Skyping for hours every night. It was awesome. He’d say things like, “You’re so mature for your age,” “You look a lot older than you are,” and “I wish you were older so we could hang out in public.” He made me feel desired and special. Now I know that using flattery to manipulate younger kids makes them more vulnerable to coercion.[4] But then, Dale hyping me up so much gave me a big head. I felt like I was older, more sophisticated, and smarter than kids my age. I loved the attention. I already felt like a little adult.
Over the next few months, we grew closer and closer and started making plans to hang out. He wanted to meet at a “secret” spot across the street from our school. It was at an outdoor bench in a parking lot surrounded by trees which hid us from the view. He made sure we met at different times so we couldn’t get caught. I felt like he was ashamed to be seen with me, and it hurt my feelings so much. During these hang-outs, I discovered what first and second base were. We even talked about what it would be like to have sex. It was exciting for me.
How It Took a Turn for the Worst
Eventually, Dale coached me on how to pose for provocative pictures and convinced me to email them to him. He promised not to show the pictures to anyone and even sent me some of his own. I thought it was safe because he cared about me, and we loved each other.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until I found out that he showed my pictures to the boys in my class because they teased me about the colors they saw me wearing in the pictures. It was absolutely horrifying! I was embarrassed. I felt betrayed. I was so sad and angry. I didn’t know what to do, so I just denied it and worked hard to keep my composure. One guy bullied me about it the whole rest of the year. It never got easy.
I was afraid to lose our relationship, so I did not make it a big deal. But I did ask him not to show the photos to anyone ever again. Some of his friends cautioned him, recognizing the age difference. Most of them were nice to me. They acted like they knew I was a little girl with an almost-man. I think some of them felt sorry for me. That was his wake-up call to how wrong it was to be with me.
When I started to feel him pulling away, I sent more pictures to earn his attention. I was completely attached and “in love.” Inevitably, he broke up with me because he was turning 18 soon and did not want to catch a case. I was shattered. I felt unworthy, unwanted, less-than, and like I was not enough. To make matters worse, he began dating a girl who was 15 years old a month after we separated. Watching him grow close to her broke my heart and left knots in my stomach. I was constantly comparing myself to her thinking I was too fat, ugly, and young. I felt used and discarded. I had a hard time focusing on school, friends, or extracurricular activities. For the next four years, I felt like I’d never be in love again. It took a toll on me and made me feel so self-conscious.
My Why
At the time, I felt so alone and misunderstood. Now I see I needed resources like GKIS. Thirteen years later, I researched “digital sexual coercion” and finally felt seen. I feel better after understanding how common this is and inspired to share my story to help other kids and parents avoid what happened to me.
After reflecting on my experience, I realized that open conversations about online interactions could have equipped me with the awareness to recognize red flags. Had I gone through the GKIS Social Media Readiness Course, I would have understood the risks of social media even among my friends. I encourage all parents to empower their children to navigate the digital world safely. This way, you can prevent your child from reliving my worst experience.
Thanks to CSUCI intern Elaha Q for writing this article. Her courage and vulnerability are so impressive. She said writing the article was a healing experience. And crazily, her older “boyfriend” recently reached out to her and apologized. But she also said that she now recognized who he was still phishing for her affection, and it felt “weird.” It made me wonder, do we ever stop feeling vulnerable after experiences like this? Thanks Elaha for being bold and brave and sharing your story.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
September 23rd, Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Phone-Free School Act (Assembly Bill 3216). This requires every school district, charter school, and county office of education in California to adopt a policy limiting or prohibiting child smartphone use in school by July 1, 2026. Authored by Assemblymembers Josh Hoover, David Alvarez, Josh Lowenthal, and Al Muratsuchi, this bipartisan legislation is intended to reduce the digital injuries resulting from in-school smartphone use, including harm to academic and social success and overall mental health.
California is not alone. As of October 3, 2024, eight states, including California, Florida, Indiana, Louisiana, Minnesota, Ohio, South Carolina, and Virginia, have passed policies to ban or limit child smartphone use in schools. Many of these policies also call for schools to implement content blocking, social media readiness training, and a digital literacy curriculum that specifically addresses issues like spreading misinformation. Most also allow for exceptions due to emergency, medical, or educational necessity (e.g., learning accommodations) or with teacher permission.
Bipartisan Support & Health Advisory Recommendations
Screen safety policies have received widespread bipartisan support, with the Biden-Harris administration continuing to promote child online safety. The U.S. Surgeon General has also been outspoken in response to America’s youth mental crisis, illustrated by the CDC’s 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey. UNESCO has called for limits on cellphone use in schools globally, and the American Psychological Association released a health advisory on social media use in adolescence in April of 2023 with specific recommendations based on the psychological evidence.
What Schools Are Saying About Their Initial Efforts
Many California schools are already embracing change by adopting smartphone-free classrooms. For example, Nordhoff Junior High and High School recently invited Dr. Tracy Bennett, Psychologist, Screen Safety Expert, and Founder of GetKidsInternetSafe, to speak to their students in preparation for these changes. We interviewed Beth Burke, LCSW Mental Health Clinician/Clinical Supervisor at Nordhoff about their experience implementing the new policy.
What was your final policy?
7th and 8th graders are not allowed smartphones at any time, even during lunch and breaks. Cell phone hotels hold phones during class and in backpacks outside of class. Use is only allowed for pickups and in case of emergency.
9th through 12th graders put their phones in a cell phone hotel during class. This is a big change. They can have them out during snack time and lunch.
There’s some discipline on the junior high level here and there. We have a first through fourth offence system. 1) take it away, 2) take away and parent contact and lose citizenship points. 3) has to be picked up by the parent. 4) need a behavior contract.
What factors led you to this policy?
Our teachers approached the administration for help with the cell phone use in and out of class. Research is also showing more and more that smartphones are very distracting. We read about other schools doing this and how it was doing well. As a faculty, we discussed the policy specifics and gained consensus that we wanted to implement this schoolwide. Last year was our first year with 7th and 8th graders on campus, and it was even more distracting for them. Parents in the community were glad about it. When it was announced at the parent orientation there were cheers.
What preparations did you make?
Our principal sent out parent square messaging during the summer citing some research so they could get ahead of it.
What opposition did you face?
A few parents expressed concern about emergencies. They were afraid in case of mass shootings. One or two students with IEPs due to anxiety wanted to keep their phones to text when they became anxious. We offered to let them keep it in their backpack because they will need it if they leave the classroom. That was in line with the policy so that was ok.
What are your first impressions?
I want to do a survey. Anecdotally, the kids are saying that they’re feeling less distracted and like being able to focus. I’m not hearing a lot of negatives, especially for the 7th and 8th graders. They all want to be the same. An overall policy is like a school uniform. It works! They don’t want to be the one and only kid calling mom. Teachers like it better. At first, they were like, “Do we have to do one more thing?” But they’re noticing less distraction. There is definitely more positive than negative.
Any tips on how to do this successfully?
It’s gone better than we expected. We expected more parent and student pushback and drama. Having all teachers enforce the policy made it easier since the old policy was not uniformly enforced or supported. But it’s good! It’s good for them to not have that distraction in the classroom and on campus for the 7th and 8thgraders. It can be a true addiction, and the more they can focus on school and interactions with one another the better. School is hopefully one place they can come to focus on learning and interacting with one another face-to-face.
GetKidsInternetSafe Offers Screen Safety Tools for Kids, Families, and Professionals
In partnership with Tarzana Treatment Centers, we are also launching our Screen Safety Certification Course. This online course offers 20 continuing education units and helps prepare paraprofessionals and professionals to expertly work with families and youth for better screen safety. Thanks to input from Caitlin McCranie, Honors English Teacher at Oak Park High School, we offer a student survey to GKIS certification students to help them get their youth ready for smartphone-free classrooms.
A special thank you to our hard-working mental health professionals and teachers who are on the front lines fighting for child wellness. We are especially grateful to Beth Burke and Caitlin McCranie for helping us with the information included in this article.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
How We Got Close
