Has your child been manipulated and exploited online? Influencing people to send nudes is an example of sexual coercion, and it happens more than you think.[1] A survey found that 36% of participants reported experiencing digital sexual coercion.[2] And too often, it happens to young teens. Statistics say one in 33 kids is approached online, but many don’t report it.[3] Too often when kids come forward, they lose their screen privileges as a result. This punishes kids for seeking help, so they learn to keep scary online problems to themselves. This is my story of being the victim of digital sexual coercion when I was only 13 years old.
He was 17, I was 13
When I was in seventh grade, my PE class overlapped with eleven graders, and that’s where I met Dale. Dale was 17 and new at our school. I was 13, friendly, outgoing, and happy to introduce myself. Dale added me on Facebook, and we began to get close. My mom didn’t even know I had Facebook because I hid it. But honestly, if she had a resource like the GKIS Screen Safety Essentials Course, I wouldn’t have been able to hide it from her. I could have skipped this whole trauma. Nothing like GKIS was around back then. I was a sitting duck.
How We Got Close
Within two weeks, Dale and I were Skyping for hours every night. It was awesome. He’d say things like, “You’re so mature for your age,” “You look a lot older than you are,” and “I wish you were older so we could hang out in public.” He made me feel desired and special. Now I know that using flattery to manipulate younger kids makes them more vulnerable to coercion.[4] But then, Dale hyping me up so much gave me a big head. I felt like I was older, more sophisticated, and smarter than kids my age. I loved the attention. I already felt like a little adult.
Over the next few months, we grew closer and closer and started making plans to hang out. He wanted to meet at a “secret” spot across the street from our school. It was at an outdoor bench in a parking lot surrounded by trees which hid us from the view. He made sure we met at different times so we couldn’t get caught. I felt like he was ashamed to be seen with me, and it hurt my feelings so much. During these hang-outs, I discovered what first and second base were. We even talked about what it would be like to have sex. It was exciting for me.
How It Took a Turn for the Worst
Eventually, Dale coached me on how to pose for provocative pictures and convinced me to email them to him. He promised not to show the pictures to anyone and even sent me some of his own. I thought it was safe because he cared about me, and we loved each other.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until I found out that he showed my pictures to the boys in my class because they teased me about the colors they saw me wearing in the pictures. It was absolutely horrifying! I was embarrassed. I felt betrayed. I was so sad and angry. I didn’t know what to do, so I just denied it and worked hard to keep my composure. One guy bullied me about it the whole rest of the year. It never got easy.
I was afraid to lose our relationship, so I did not make it a big deal. But I did ask him not to show the photos to anyone ever again. Some of his friends cautioned him, recognizing the age difference. Most of them were nice to me. They acted like they knew I was a little girl with an almost-man. I think some of them felt sorry for me. That was his wake-up call to how wrong it was to be with me.
When I started to feel him pulling away, I sent more pictures to earn his attention. I was completely attached and “in love.” Inevitably, he broke up with me because he was turning 18 soon and did not want to catch a case. I was shattered. I felt unworthy, unwanted, less-than, and like I was not enough. To make matters worse, he began dating a girl who was 15 years old a month after we separated. Watching him grow close to her broke my heart and left knots in my stomach. I was constantly comparing myself to her thinking I was too fat, ugly, and young. I felt used and discarded. I had a hard time focusing on school, friends, or extracurricular activities. For the next four years, I felt like I’d never be in love again. It took a toll on me and made me feel so self-conscious.
My Why
At the time, I felt so alone and misunderstood. Now I see I needed resources like GKIS. Thirteen years later, I researched “digital sexual coercion” and finally felt seen. I feel better after understanding how common this is and inspired to share my story to help other kids and parents avoid what happened to me.
After reflecting on my experience, I realized that open conversations about online interactions could have equipped me with the awareness to recognize red flags. Had I gone through the GKIS Social Media Readiness Course, I would have understood the risks of social media even among my friends. I encourage all parents to empower their children to navigate the digital world safely. This way, you can prevent your child from reliving my worst experience.
Thanks to CSUCI intern Elaha Q for writing this article. Her courage and vulnerability are so impressive. She said writing the article was a healing experience. And crazily, her older “boyfriend” recently reached out to her and apologized. But she also said that she now recognized who he was still phishing for her affection, and it felt “weird.” It made me wonder, do we ever stop feeling vulnerable after experiences like this? Thanks Elaha for being bold and brave and sharing your story.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
When children use online search engines, their search results can contain anything one can imagine – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Social media platforms like TikTok, YouTube, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and Twitter pose a particular threat, offering potentially dangerous data-sharing and location information to cyberbullies and predators. In 2022, the California Age Appropriate Design Code Bill (AB 2273) passed. This bill aims to protect our children’s online activity by requiring platforms to make changes.[1] With online activity dangers and increasing rates of digital injuries, psychologist Dr. Tracy Bennett saw the need to educate tweens and teens about social media in a fun and engaging way. To help, she created the GKIS Social Media Readiness Course. She also created the GKIS Screen Safety Toolkit for parents to be able to filter, monitor, and manage their kid’s internet activity. Check them out for help with your family’s online safety. Today’s GKIS article discusses California’s newest online child privacy protections bill.
Recent Child Safety Bills
The California Age Appropriate Design Code Bill
The California Age Appropriate Design Code Bill was introduced by California State Assembly members Buffy Wicks and Jordan Cunningham and unanimously approved by a 33-0 vote in 2022.[1] It’s modeled after the United Kingdom’s age-appropriate design code. It is the first legislation in the United States to impose restrictions and data protection obligations on businesses providing services to users under the age of 18. It also includes requirements that online sites conduct a data protection impact assessment before new services are offered.[3]
The Kids Online Safety Act of 2022
The Kids Online Safety Act of 2022 (KOSA) is a kid’s online safety act that aims to empower both parents and children to have control over their online activity.[5] It would provide children and parents with the right tools and safeguards by requiring that social media platforms have protective options regarding algorithms, product features, and information.[5] KOSA would require social media platforms to have a duty to prevent harm to minors in its many forms.[5] The KOSA bill requires that non-profit organizations and academic researchers get access to data from social media platforms to conduct research regarding harm to the well-being and safety of minors.[5]
The Children and Teens Online Privacy Protection Act
The Children and Teens Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA 2.0) is legislation that also aims to strengthen minors’ online protections.[6] It would amend the original 1998 act and strengthen the online collection and disclosure of information of children up to the age of 16.[6]
Enforcing The California Age Appropriate Design Code Bill
This act could have significant consequences when businesses must amend data management starting July 1, 2024.[3] Enforcement of this act will be taken seriously as violations can result in the California Attorney General seeking an injunction and a civil penalty of up to $2,500.00 per affected child per each negligent violation or $7,500.00 per child for each intentional violation.[3]
It applies to for-profit organizations that do business in California and meet one of the following three requirements
they must have annual gross revenue of over $25 million
they must buy, receive, sell, or share the personal information of over 50,000 consumers, devices, and households
they must derive 50% or more of annual revenues from selling consumers’ personal information.[4]
Who will be impacted?
California is the only state implementing the act currently. Thus, only children in California will be protected. This act is a big deal because businesses subject to it are prohibited from taking actions like using the personal information of a child in a way that is materially detrimental to their well-being, using dark patterns to lead or encourage children to provide personal information, or profiling children by default.[3]
This act will ensure the highest possible privacy settings by default for users under 18. It will also bar data collection on precise locations of children under 18.
The creation of rules will be subjected to future rounds of rulemaking, and the Attorney General may look for recommendations from the Children’s Data Protection Working Group on issues addressing rulemaking.[4] The act will establish the Children’s Data Protection Working Group tasked with developing recommendations and best practices to address critical uncertainties of the bill.[4]
Predators can easily prey on children with social media geo-location features. The code would require that companies make the safety and privacy of children a priority in the design of all digital services and products that children will have access to.[2] The code will restrict the detrimental profiling of kids and data collection, minimizing the risk of risky connections and harmful content.[2]
The bill will also require that children get the highest privacy settings by default. The use of nudge techniques that encourage kids to weaken privacy protections will be prohibited, and geolocation will be switched off.[2] It is no secret that children’s data is often used to create algorithms and features that harm children.[3] This code would stop this by making the companies stop using data that will prevent potentially harmful content from reaching your child.[3]
Helping Parents Better Protect Their Children
Children now more than ever face the most sophisticated online social media platforms and search engines. As the ever-evolving internet platforms have changed, psychologist Dr. Tracy Bennett has seen firsthand the devastating effects of digital injuries on children and their families. To help parents and families prevent digital injuries, we created several online courses like the GKIS Screen Safety Toolkit for parents of kids of all ages, the GKIS Connected Family Course for parents with children of elementary school age, and the GKIS Social Media Readiness Training for tweens, teens, and their parents. She also offers private personal Coaching and Workshops to parents who have more questions or looking for additional help tailored for their unique child.
Thanks to CSUCI intern, Janette Jimenez for researching California’s Newest Child Online Privacy Protections and authoring this article.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
How We Got Close
