We all have million tasks to do in a day with little time to do them. But we can all agree that parenting is our most important and gratifying job. Have you ever heard the saying “parenting is all joy and no fun?” Today’s GetKidsInternetSafe article offers fresh tips about how to make it joyful and fun! What do exceptional parents do everyday?
They turn toward their kids when they walk into the room and allow their faces to *light* up with adoration.
Of course we are attached to our children, but the day’s endless tasks often get in the way of our showing it. When kids feel overlooked they seek attention in all the wrong ways on- and offline. Make sure they know they are numero uno in your home and that you will set things aside when they need you.
They are interested in their kids’ day-to-day happenings on- and off-line and ask follow-up questions about them (“So how did it go?”)
If you don’t ask, they won’t tell. The best way to really get to know your kids is hearing all about their thoughts, feelings, and daily interests. If they feel you are interested, they are more likely to come to you about the things that are important, both the fun and the scary. Nobody knows them as well as you do, but just like with marriage, profound connection takes consistent effort. And at every age your child transforms into a more complex being. Make them your most passionate hobby!
They have a sense of humor about their own screw-ups and are quick to accept and forgive their children’s mistakes as well.
If we want our children to work through their pain with self-compassion and wisdom, we must practice it ourselves. We are more likely to be our true selves in front of our kids than anybody else. In order for them to learn, we must show them the good, the bad, and the healing. Saying to them, “I’m sorry, I really could have handled that much better,” is a generous gift. They’ll love and respect you, and themselves, more if you teach them how to be compassionate and forgiving. Failure is going to happen if you are learning new things. Embrace it!
They plan fun family activities with happy sing-along music, cleansing outdoor activity, and hilarious light-hearted banter.
There is no better conduit to your inner child than playing whole-heartedly with your kids. Get away from your screen media, melt into the present, experience the wonder, belly laugh, and LIVE FULLY!
They understand that humor, slang, and interests are different for kids than adults on- and off-line and don’t get threatened or contemptuous about it.
Childhood may have been forever ago, but it’s worth your time to take a memory journey and get in touch with how it felt. Just like our offspring, we were impulsive, ridiculous, silly, and reckless. But now they have the World Wide Web to stumble around in, which each step forever recorded in a digital footprint. Filter their exposure to the damaging stuff along the way, and when they do run into trouble (and they will), gently coach them through it.
They refrain from lecturing because they realize that adult solutions don’t work within kid social culture.
Saying, “That hurt my feelings, please don’t do that,” honestly may not get them very far in the schoolyard. Kids are more expert than parents are when it comes to maneuvering through the brutal gauntlet of childhood friendships. Empower them with your trust and encouragement instead of annihilating their confidence with shaming lectures and demands. Encourage good choices but don’t pick their friends or make their decisions for them.
They put the effort in to have a working knowledge of screen media and show a genuine interest.
The ONLY way to stay a step ahead of your kids and protect them online is to study up and get proficient on the fourth literacy (reading, writing, arithmetic, digital). GetKidsInternetSafe 30 Days to Internet Safety was created to help you with that. It’s simple, easy, and comprehensive.
They expect their kids to sneak so they simply eliminate the opportunity rather than shame them when it happens.
In my psychology practice I celebrate when kids are successful and strategic. If their gray matter is firing, they will try some sneaky solutions to solve problems on occasion. Skilled parents accept that. Rather than providing them with opportunity to sneak and then punishing them for it, instead disable screen media during blackout times. Just because you say “no” doesn’t mean your kids will comply. Expect the best of them, but don’t freak out when they have immature judgment. The prefrontal regions of their brains (the part responsible for attention, concentration, organization, and decision making) won’t be done cooking until they are 23 years old. Be realistic in your expectations of them.
They initially limit access to inappropriate video games and social media and then gradually lighten up as it becomes developmentally appropriate.
Overdoing it by blindly blocking screen media may not only be upsetting to kids, but crippling to them as well. Like it or not, screen media is the way of the world and becoming digitally literate when they’re young may benefit your kids academically and socially. Are you being too restrictive or too permissive out of fear or laziness? These are definitely questions worth asking yourself.
They present family rules and regulation in a clear, honest way so kids don’t have to guess about what is or is not acceptable.
The GKIS Living Agreement is a brilliant tool for helping parents spell out screen media limits in a simple, comprehensive format that is flexible enough to change as your children’s needs change. Being proactive with your parenting is always better than being reactive.
They are respectful of their kids’ privacy and check screen media sparingly rather than being intrusive and creepy. Most importantly, great parents are honest and up-front rather than electronically spying and lying.
As a clinician, I see that some of the most damaged parent-child relationships got that way because parents were brutally over-controlling or too permissive with their children. The healthiest parenting strategies incorporate teaching, discussion, and opportunity for independent exploration and growth. It may feel good to you to be a critical decision-maker in your children’s lives, but it’s likely not in the best interest of your children. Child neglect and helicoptering won’t bring you closer to your kids, and will harm them in the long run. Great parents nurture rather than neglect or smother. Younger kids need stricter blocking and monitoring while older kids must be allowed to earn gradual independence. Allowing them some opportunity for failure is a healthy way to teach resilience. Just be there when they fall for wisdom and warmth.
They realize that their kids aren’t responsible for the online behavior of others. Viewing is not the same as creating the content.
No matter how tempted you are to freak out when your kids run across something inappropriate on- or offline, do your best not to freak out. Even though it is scary when your children find a gap in your safety net, it’s bound to happen. Keep your perspective and don’t be too hard on them. Curiosity and exploration is healthy and will lead them to scary places on occasion. It’s unavoidable. Don’t let your fear or guilt transfer into shaming them when it happens. It’s best to compassionately and gently guide them through.
If you like what you’ve read and want more free GKIS parenting tips, go to www.GetKidsInternetSafe.com/cyberbullyguide to hear about my most recent tip that will help you protect your kids from cyberbullying.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.
I was lucky enough to have a Dad who was “my person.” In other words, I always went to him when I was happy, upset, confused, angry, or just wanted to feel loved. He’s been gone for over two years now and I still miss him everyday. That kind of parent-child connection makes a profound impact for generations. How would your rate your connection with your kids?
As a clinical psychologist, one of the most important things I do is help repair relationships between parents and kids. Connection can be broken or strained by a variety of factors, including stressful circumstance, conflict, substance abuse, developmental stages, distraction, or even personality variables. Once strained, a parent-child connection is not always easy to repair. But with consistent effort, it can be done.
Below are three easy strategies for repairing a strained or broken parent-child connection:
Spend time:
I know this sounds obvious, but it isn’t always easy with competing schedules. It’s important to regularly carve out time to hang out and have fun. Sharing an activity like a meal or riding in the car is fine, but co-watching screen media isn’t ideal. Try to share activities where conversation and shared laughter is possible. Sitting together at the dinner table several times a week is the perfect scenario. Make sure however that ALL screen media is turned off at meal time.
Stay mindful:
This simply means stay in the present and don’t let yourself get distracted from the task at hand – connecting with your child. No stressing about what you just did or what you need to do. Notice and feel everything as though it’s your last play date for the next year. Nothing will be as rejuvenating as soaking in this precious time with your babies, so take advantage of it. They will be off to college before you know it!
Create mutually interesting conversation:
What should you talk about? Anything that your kid wants to talk about! The most powerful topics will be situations immediately present in your child’s world (e.g., friends, teachers, activities, events). Below are some conversation ideas to get you started:
Ask open ended questions to elicit light conversation. The more specific the questions, the better.
“So how was Tiffany today? Still difficult?”
“Was that history test as hard as you thought it would be?”
“Kick ball or hand ball today?”
Share a story or teach her about something you think she would like. The funnier the story the better.
“Once when I was 13 years old there was this kid…”
“Check out this hilarious cat video!”
“Watch this catchy dance move I made up!” (Eye-rolls are still attention!)
In the spirit of getting tech savvy, get involved in their digital worlds (remember to keep it light-hearted).
“Which penguin are you?”
“Show me this lava castle you’ve been working so hard on.”
“Honey, I can’t figure out my privacy settings, can you help?”
Thanks for staying connected to GKIS and cheers to being the most awesome parent you can be! Share your last favorite memory of connecting time in the comment section below!
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
I work with children, teenagers, and families everyday as a clinical psychologist. One privilege this role affords me is hearing the truth from kids. The truth is children love their parents. They long for their parents’ approval, and when children are hit by the people who are supposed to protect them, it builds hurt and resentment. The complexity of these emotions is impossible for children to express and communicate openly to their parents. After all, kids love and protect their parents, even when they’re hurt and angry. In my opinion, it’s our job as parents to do the same for them.
While at UCLA in 1990, I wrote an honors thesis titled, “Inconsistent Maternal Discipline and It’s Effect on Child Behavior.” I designed a study and trained and supervised nine undergraduates to analyze and code hours of video tape footage of mothers playing with and instructing their children. After a thorough literature review and after crunching data, my conclusions were clear. It isn’t spanking that motivates good behavior in children, it’s clear communication, warmth, and consistency.
I invite you to reflect on the last time you disciplined your child. What inspired your technique? Was it a desperate, rushed attempt to get immediate compliance? Was it an execution of a well thought-out strategy? Or was it a parent temper tantrum?
If you chose option one or three, then you’re very likely a spanker. If you’re tempted to stop reading already and write me off as a self-righteous academic who doesn’t know squat about the real world, you’re only partly right. When it comes to child advocacy, I am admittedly self-righteous. I’m also somewhat academic. But I’m also the mother of three and, believe me, I’m not immune to the impulse to spank, scream, or otherwise act like a raving lunatic. I “get” how hard parenting is. I also work with families in the most challenging of circumstances everyday and have a true depth of compassion for how hard parents work to raise great kids.
But my objective here is not to judge or lecture. It’s to offer a perspective parents may not have had the opportunity to hear. And I’ll say it like I feel it, bluntly and passionately.
5 Things We Know About Spanking
REWARD WORKS BETTER THAN PUNISHMENT
Do you make your best decisions as an adult due to fear of punishment or because it makes you feel good to do the right thing? Kids are no different. Make your children feel good about putting thought and effort into something, and that’s exactly what they’ll do. Spank them, and they’ll simply take their bad behavior where you can’t see it. The research on this fact has been clear for more than 25 years. My clinical and personal observations demonstrate the same. And when I teach parents discipline strategies using reward, they work! Even with the most difficult children in the most challenging circumstances.
SCARING AND HURTING KIDS IS NO LONGER HOW WE TREAT CHILDREN
Do you subscribe to the “it’s how I was raised as well as my grandparents before me” rule of parenting? Throughout the centuries, children were beaten to death for infractions, mutilated to deny them sexuality, and worked 12-hour days to bring income to the family. This is the modern era. We don’t do that anymore. Modern families consider children developing human beings that deserve our respect and protection. There is no sense in spanking those we are charged to “love and protect.” Continuing a cycle of violence in the face of decades of data that demonstrate spanking simply doesn’t work is laziness. If you work hard to consistently implement parenting strategies that require forethought and anger management, you’ll realize that hitting your child because you’re angry isn’t really a strategy at all.
YOU WILL GET FAR MORE OUT OF BUILDING A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD THAN TEARING DOWN TRUST BY HURTING AND SCARING THEM
Do you subscribe to the Golden Rule (“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets”)? When’s the last time you were hit to encourage your compliance? And, more importantly, would it work? Of course not! As adults in the workplace, we are inspired by the promise of reward and the threat of losing reward; not by being hit. And we exhaustively labor for our family because of our love for them. Kids are no different. They long to please you and will work to avoid your disappointment.
THE BEHAVIOR YOU’RE BEATING OUT OF YOUR CHILD SIMPLY GOES WHERE THE SPANKER ISN’T; AND IT OFTEN ESCALATES IN FREQUENCY
Have you seen that spanking gets immediate compliance? Well you’re right, it does. But it turns out that spanking doesn’t extinguish the behavior like you’d like. Instead, spanking sends the unwanted behavior underground and damages your relationship with your child in the process. A damaged parent-child relationship is not as inspiring. And frankly, it feels terrible to everybody involved.
FOLLOW YOUR CONSCIENCE
Do you think spanking will improve your parent-child alliance? Is it your best, well-reasoned discipline strategy? I’ve found that when the parents’ anger and shame is taken out of the picture, innovative and effective parenting strategies emerge. Providing affection and praise for the behavior you want and time-out/withdrawing privileges for the behavior you don’t want, are parenting strategies that work without harmful side effects. The truth is that good parenting is mostly about compassion, instruction, and love; it’s about taking the time to think things through before responding. Ignoring your children until it’s time to freak out on them isn’t your best use of time. These days time is a precious commodity. Make your child more precious than your time.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Here’s a perfect example of how children seek parent attention in any way they can. If a tantrum is the way to do it, they’ll make it happen. Gotta admire this little guy’s tenacity. “Eyes on me? Then check out how upset I am!”
