I work with children, teenagers, and families everyday as a clinical psychologist. One privilege this role affords me is hearing the truth from kids. The truth is children love their parents. They long for their parents’ approval, and when children are hit by the people who are supposed to protect them, it builds hurt and resentment. The complexity of these emotions is impossible for children to express and communicate openly to their parents. After all, kids love and protect their parents, even when they’re hurt and angry. In my opinion, it’s our job as parents to do the same for them.
While at UCLA in 1990, I wrote an honors thesis titled, “Inconsistent Maternal Discipline and It’s Effect on Child Behavior.” I designed a study and trained and supervised nine undergraduates to analyze and code hours of video tape footage of mothers playing with and instructing their children. After a thorough literature review and after crunching data, my conclusions were clear. It isn’t spanking that motivates good behavior in children, it’s clear communication, warmth, and consistency.
I invite you to reflect on the last time you disciplined your child. What inspired your technique? Was it a desperate, rushed attempt to get immediate compliance? Was it an execution of a well thought-out strategy? Or was it a parent temper tantrum?
If you chose option one or three, then you’re very likely a spanker. If you’re tempted to stop reading already and write me off as a self-righteous academic who doesn’t know squat about the real world, you’re only partly right. When it comes to child advocacy, I am admittedly self-righteous. I’m also somewhat academic. But I’m also the mother of three and, believe me, I’m not immune to the impulse to spank, scream, or otherwise act like a raving lunatic. I “get” how hard parenting is. I also work with families in the most challenging of circumstances everyday and have a true depth of compassion for how hard parents work to raise great kids.
But my objective here is not to judge or lecture. It’s to offer a perspective parents may not have had the opportunity to hear. And I’ll say it like I feel it, bluntly and passionately.
5 Things We Know About Spanking
REWARD WORKS BETTER THAN PUNISHMENT
Do you make your best decisions as an adult due to fear of punishment or because it makes you feel good to do the right thing? Kids are no different. Make your children feel good about putting thought and effort into something, and that’s exactly what they’ll do. Spank them, and they’ll simply take their bad behavior where you can’t see it. The research on this fact has been clear for more than 25 years. My clinical and personal observations demonstrate the same. And when I teach parents discipline strategies using reward, they work! Even with the most difficult children in the most challenging circumstances.
SCARING AND HURTING KIDS IS NO LONGER HOW WE TREAT CHILDREN
Do you subscribe to the “it’s how I was raised as well as my grandparents before me” rule of parenting? Throughout the centuries, children were beaten to death for infractions, mutilated to deny them sexuality, and worked 12-hour days to bring income to the family. This is the modern era. We don’t do that anymore. Modern families consider children developing human beings that deserve our respect and protection. There is no sense in spanking those we are charged to “love and protect.” Continuing a cycle of violence in the face of decades of data that demonstrate spanking simply doesn’t work is laziness. If you work hard to consistently implement parenting strategies that require forethought and anger management, you’ll realize that hitting your child because you’re angry isn’t really a strategy at all.
YOU WILL GET FAR MORE OUT OF BUILDING A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD THAN TEARING DOWN TRUST BY HURTING AND SCARING THEM
Do you subscribe to the Golden Rule (“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets”)? When’s the last time you were hit to encourage your compliance? And, more importantly, would it work? Of course not! As adults in the workplace, we are inspired by the promise of reward and the threat of losing reward; not by being hit. And we exhaustively labor for our family because of our love for them. Kids are no different. They long to please you and will work to avoid your disappointment.
THE BEHAVIOR YOU’RE BEATING OUT OF YOUR CHILD SIMPLY GOES WHERE THE SPANKER ISN’T; AND IT OFTEN ESCALATES IN FREQUENCY
Have you seen that spanking gets immediate compliance? Well you’re right, it does. But it turns out that spanking doesn’t extinguish the behavior like you’d like. Instead, spanking sends the unwanted behavior underground and damages your relationship with your child in the process. A damaged parent-child relationship is not as inspiring. And frankly, it feels terrible to everybody involved.
FOLLOW YOUR CONSCIENCE
Do you think spanking will improve your parent-child alliance? Is it your best, well-reasoned discipline strategy? I’ve found that when the parents’ anger and shame is taken out of the picture, innovative and effective parenting strategies emerge. Providing affection and praise for the behavior you want and time-out/withdrawing privileges for the behavior you don’t want, are parenting strategies that work without harmful side effects. The truth is that good parenting is mostly about compassion, instruction, and love; it’s about taking the time to think things through before responding. Ignoring your children until it’s time to freak out on them isn’t your best use of time. These days time is a precious commodity. Make your child more precious than your time.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Onward to More Awesome Parenting,
Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com
photo credit: Joey Marasek, CC BY-ND 2.0
Here’s a perfect example of how children seek parent attention in any way they can. If a tantrum is the way to do it, they’ll make it happen. Gotta admire this little guy’s tenacity. “Eyes on me? Then check out how upset I am!”
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