As a clinical psychologist who works with kids and teens, I’ve seen the landscape of their lives change in a rainbow of ways. These changes provide opportunities for growth and connection with self and others but can also lead them into unhealthy relationships in online and offline communities. For parents to educate and connect (rather than disconnect) with their kids over these issues, we need to know the basics. Today’s GKIS articles allows us to take a look into what sociologists predict to be a “genderless future,” where we will no longer be defining ourselves as “female” or “male.”[9] Newly created identifiers and the generic “they” will replace pronouns “she” and “he.”[9] And major businesses like Amazon, Target, Walmart, and Disney will remove gender from the labels of their products.[12]
Gender Fluidity
Welcome to 2019, where millennials and generation Zers have created “Gender Fluidity.”[3] Being “gender fluid” means that the individual exists on a spectrum between male and female and may shift gender several times a day or throughout their lives with different intensities.[8] A millennial poll of 1,000 people revealed that half believe that gender exists on a fluid spectrum or “outside conventional categories.”[14]
Celebrities like Will Smith’s son Jaden Smith, rapper Young Thug, actress Ruby Rose, and superstar Miley Cyrus have identified themselves as gender fluid.[10] Young Thug and Jaden Smith are known for pushing the boundaries of fashion with crop tops and skirts.[10] Ruby Rose varies in masculinity in photoshoots and TV shows like “Orange Is The New Black.”[10] Miley Cyrus has explained her gender fluidity during interviews, “It’s weird that I’m a girl, because I just don’t feel like a girl, and I don’t feel like a boy.”[4]
The Break Down
Gender and sexuality concepts are difficult to understand. They seem muddled in some way or another. Here’s some clarification:
Gender is biological sex and its cultural associations: male, female, transgender.[1]
Gender Identity is what someone perceives their gender to be: biologically a female but identifies as male.[1]
Gender Expression is how someone shows their gender whether it be through clothing choices, hair style, makeup, and the like.[1]
Sexual Orientation explains what gender someone is attracted to and would like to have sexual relations with (differs from gender identity).[1]
Romantic Orientation explains what gender someone would like to be emotionally and romantically involved with (differs from sexual orientation sometimes).[11]
Gender Stereotypes
With the traditional labels of gender came their stereotypes, with females being sexual objects and males being macho knuckleheads.[5] These stereotypes link to online gender specific characteristics. Women tend to fulfill their sexual stereotype by posting provocative photos. In captions and comments their words are more positive, supportive, emotional, and personal.[5] Men express their masculinity online by posting content related to violence, sex, and alcohol. Their online engagement is more aggressive, negative, and authoritative.[5]
Gender Expression Online
Modern society advocates for the freedom to be yourself no matter what gender you are or what the color of your skin is. Millennials and generation Zers have countered stigmatic barriers (such as stereotypes) that prevent the LGBTQIA (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or question, intersex, or allied) community from thriving.[13]
The internet has granted many a voice to speak their truths as well as a receptive audience who’ll listen. That power is a great confidence booster for those who feel powerless against parent authority and social judgement.
It also makes the gender journey feel less lonely for kids and teens. Social media provides a private place to relate with others, vent about being misunderstood, and express themselves unapologetically. On their own terms, they can gradually reveal discovered parts of themselves.
For example, some may feel comfortable cross dressing online but not walking out the door that way.[7] This is because coming out to strangers online is more manageable than coming out at school or home.[6] According to the LGBT Helpline, more people feel hopeful and positive about coming out online, because they know they’ll get plenty of positive support.[6]
Being Anonymous
Another great benefit of online gender expression is the freedom that anonymity provides. Kids and teens are allowed to explore their identity on their own terms. The ability to stay anonymous gives them control over who they come out to. You can choose to use an actual picture of yourself or an avatar, virtually anything to be your default picture. Usernames have the same range in reality or fantasy. Social media allows you to pick and choose who has access to your content. A powerful tool is the ability to block specific users from having access entirely. These tools allow teens to choose whether they want to interact with specific people in their inner circle or complete strangers. It also reduces the chances of cyber bullying.
The combination of anonymity and a knowledgeable online community creates an accepting venue. There’s less chance for criticism invalidating a teen’s gender identity.[7] When coming out online to strangers, a user’s gender and sexual orientation isn’t judged by their past.[7] Peers tend to think they know where someone is on the spectrum. This is because they refer to stereotypes. They judge this based on someone’s dating and sexual history. What they know about the person’s interests and hobbies, again, gender is fluid. It’s a personal journey that one can only define for themselves.
Online Safety
As explained before on GetKidsInternetSafe, “gender-awareness is one aspect, but sexual awareness is another.”[2] Unfiltered chat rooms for things like webcomics, fandoms, and role-playing games expose children to age inappropriate themes of sex and violence.[2] Predators have the opportunity to manipulate naive and vulnerable kids and teens with explicit content or groom them for exploitive relationships.[2]
If you worry that your kids aren’t quite ready to delve deep into online communities that may put them at risk, you’ll want to check out our GKIS Screen Safety Toolkit. With our family-tested, outcome-based recommendations, you can build your customized digital toolbox for each device your child uses. That translates to filtering and blocking age-inappropriate content and offer parental management tools like location tracking and monitoring. Why wouldn’t you use the free and/or subscription parental controls available to you to help? You don’t even have to waste time and energy figuring out which will fit for you. We did the research for you!
In addition to GKIS products like our free Connected Family Agreement, Screen Safety Toolkit, and Connected Family Online Course, websites like 7 cups can detour dangerous influence. 7 cups offers free 24/7 support chat rooms by volunteers trained to deal with adolescent issues like “depression, anxiety, relationships, LGBTQ+ and more.”[15] Teens can anonymously join monitored chat rooms to relate with others in the community.[15] The website is a great stepping stone for teens who feel like their parents don’t understand. If all of this is overwhelming already, book a coaching session with Dr. B so she can guide you through it. It really is as easy as that.
What else can you do?
Reflect on your ideas and beliefs about gender. It’s important to understand how you truly feel about these issues. Identify what makes you feel or think this way. Is it healthy and supportive for a child emotionally, mentally, and physically struggling to find themselves?[2]
Educate Start the dialogue about sexual education as early as you can. Answer the questions that are commonly answered with, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” Be the person they turn to when they have questions. Keep an open dialogue. This helps deter any negative influence age inappropriate content may provide.[2]
Still wondering how to start “the talk”? Lucky for you, Dr. Bennett makes the awkward conversation easier with these tips:
Thank you to our GKIS intern Hanna Dangiapo for untangling the ever-evolving definition of gender. Have you had experiences with gender fluidity in your house or community? Let us know what you think about it in the comments below.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Does Lil Tay sound like a nine-year-old your child knows? The “youngest flexer of the century” was an internet sensation before her materialistic persona dragged her and her family down. With two million followers, Lil Tay didn’t shy away from using profanity to call other people broke or kick a Rolls-Royce. Accessories in her posts included wads of cash and million-dollar homes.[7] She isn’t the first or only young one showing off money and what it can buy. What is this social media trend?
Flexing on the Gram
Flexing (showing off wealth) on the Gram(Instagram) is a popular social media trend.[3] Upcoming celebrities like “Gucci Gang” rapper Lil Pump flex on the gram to prove they’ve made it to the top.[4] His image is particularly known for flashing Gucci threads head to toe. When critics say he’s inadequate, Lil Pump argues his expensive clothing makes him worthy.
Other social media celebrities flex to build their brand in the same way. Rubber bands of cash and expensive goods bring millions of followers. Riches reflect success and outrageous posts attract engagement.
Internet personality RiceGum is a perfect example. His YouTube diss tracks are notorious for bragging about his money, cars, and a million-dollar home. His lyrics talk about how all those things make him better than other YouTube stars.[3]
Instagram Envy Leads to Compare and Despair
With a continuous stream of real-time, unfiltered, unedited, and freshly published posts, fans have an on-demand, front-row seat to the rich and famous.[1] The compare and despair of watching friends, celebrities, and idols live lavish lifestyles makes them believe they too need cars, houses, and clothes to succeed in life.[3] Ariana Grande promotes the idea in her hit single “7 Rings,” “Whoever said money can’t solve your problems must not have had enough money to solve ’em.” [6]
Social psychologists call this new phenomenon Instagram Envy.[1] Child psychologist, Allen Kanner, states that children believe, “If I could have this product that’s associated with all of this success, then I’m going to be able to join this world. I’ll feel better about myself.”[4]
Provoking envy and anxiety make fans want to spend, leading a generation too willing to go into impulsive buying and higher levels of debt.[8] A 2017 analysis discovered a rise in credit card debt for young adults 18 – 20 years old where the average amount owed was $611.[1]
Studies have found that materialism (holding material things as too important) among children may cause them to become overly focused on what they can gain from friends and family and contribute to more self-centeredness and aggression.[8]
In extreme cases, children blame their parents for not providing the wealth they desire. When their parents can’t help them, children buy high fashion knockoffs. For example, replicas of Kanye West’s designer sneakers called “Yeezys” are highly sought after.[5]
Profits made from these fake designer goods fund illegal organizations. These organizations take part in “terrorism and the trafficking of drugs, people, sex, and wildlife.”[5]
It’s difficult to explain to children that not everything that glitters is gold. Studies have shown that being rich and famous are top priorities for today’s generation.[1]
Social media has given a false idea that such a lifestyle is easily achieved overnight. However, most of the money shown off on social media doesn’t really belong to the person who’s posting about it.[7] Children forget that social media is a staged reality.[8] For instance, the cars and mansions Lil Tay posed in actually belonged to the homes that her mother represented as a realtor.[7]
Why do people show off on social media?
Some show off on social media to make a statement to the world.[3] They feeling driven to prove they’ve made it to the top.[3] But instead of feeling happy once they buy the thing they’ve longed for, research demonstrates that they end ups feeling anxious and dissatisfied.[9]
Others show off “to arouse jealousy, envy, or other negative emotions” in others.[2] They create Instagram Envy to prove that they can’t be overshadowed.[2]
Some people believe that showing off their money will bring them more friends.[3] Teens are particularly vulnerable to the need for attention and validation.
Ideas About How to Start a Fun Conversation with Your Kids
Here at GetKidsInternetSafe, we want your children to dream big and accomplish their aspirations. Social media takes down walls to show that all-star athletes and pop artists were once normal kids too. They did their homework and helped their mother with the groceries. Be wary of the messages that Instagram Envy and Flexing tell our children. Counter the social media culture by having in-depth conversations on concepts your kids have yet to think about. For example:
Showing off material wealth on social media brings fans, not friends.
Teaching your kids that, rather than bringing more friends, studies have shown that people prefer to be friends with someone with a simpler lifestyle.[3] These fake friends often have ulterior motives.[2]
How does wealth affect relationships with friends? Genuine friends will always be by your side whether you’re rich or poor.
Can you have quality relationships if you’re breaking others down to build yourself up?
Wealth comes from a good work ethic.
Children are brainwashed into thinking that being disrespectful and obscene on the internet can easily roll in cash. Doing dangerous pranks, making hurtful comments, and participating in age-inappropriate activities are just a few examples. Start a discussion about how wealth actually comes about.
What is a good work ethic?
What is perseverance, and what do people learn from it? Making a sustainable income doesn’t happen overnight. Most successful people put in hours of hard work before making it to the top. Some fail a few times before catching their big break. Enduring the journey toward success will teach you more about yourself than the shortcut.
Follow uplifting social media sites created to inspire with positivity and stories of hope.
Some posts give advice or insight to encourage others.[2] That’s why impoverished children idolize the Instagram profiles of famous rappers who came from the same projects.[4] They see someone from the same struggling upbringing break the barriers for a better life.[4]
Your values define your definition of “wealth.”
People value different things, and what we value forms our idea of what wealth is. These values change throughout our lives as we learn through our experiences. As children grow through their personal journeys, help them become the best versions of themselves.
What are your dreams?
What kind of image do you want for yourself?
Do you want to help make the world a better place?
Is passion for your career worth more than money in your pocket?
Is working countless hours of overtime worth it for a fancy car?
In what ways does it benefit family life or take away from it?
These examples will help you start a mutual, complex conversation with your children so they can think further than celebrating a Rolls Royce. You’ll be able to pass on your wisdom, navigate their confusion, and give them the confidence to aim higher.
Thanks to Hanna Dangiapo for covering this modern topic! Want to learn more ways to protect your child from RiceGum-like content? Check out Dr. Bennett’s GKIS Connected Family Online Course
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
