sexting

Finstagrams and Rinstagrams: Reckless Teen Instagram Posts

August 15, 2018 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Do you worry your teen has a Finsta? Based on recent surveys, most parents have a considerable concern that our kids’ digital selves aren’t making kind or safe choices. After all, experimentation, taking social risks, and creative self-expression is healthy for teens. The problem is that social media can blast innocent mistakes to thousands of people at once. Fortunately, teens aren’t stupid. They usually “get” that trust is earned. To protect themselves, they form several virtual social groups from more intimate to the public, much like they do in their nonvirtual lives. Is having a Finstagram dangerous? Or is it simply a smart caution to minimize social fallout from impulsive or questionable judgment? When a parent does uncover concerning content, is it worth the risk to confront the teen? How can a parent spot a Finsta?

Cybersecurity safety starts at home. Feel empowered to talk to your kids about what is appropriate to post online. Dr. Bennett’s Cybersecurity and Red Flags Supplement has easy to implement strategies for how to keep your kid’s information secure without the risk of them oversharing online while keeping your parent-teen relationship intact.

What is a Finstagram?

As of June 2018, Instagram reached over 1 billion active users, the highest number of bloggers in the history of the wildly popular social media app.[1] As Instagram grows and expands, so too does the pressure to create the “perfect profile,” resulting in an unspoken set of rules and expectations dictating what you can post, when you can post, and how you can post. To “keep it real,” young Instagram users often create Finstagramsor Finstas, which are fake private Instagram accounts exempt from the strict posting-rules of real Instagram profiles (Rinstas). Finstagram is a mashing of the words “fake” and “Instagram. Finstas are almost always a secondary account and only close friends are allowed to follow, thus excluding acquaintances, love interests, and the prying eyes of parents.[2]

Posts in a Finsta are usually funny and embarrassing “behind-the-scenes” photos, like awkward candid faces, silly activities, or pictures that are not deemed ‘artsy’ enough for the Rinsta. Teens use their Finsta to express more intimate thoughts and feelings. Posts are often accompanied by long-winded captions explaining daily events or opinionated ranting – like how mean and unfair parents are. In general, Finstas can be considered a form of blogging where people ditch the superficial and fake façade of Rinstagrams and post uncensored photos to only a select few followers.[3]

Because Finstas are “private,” teens can get reckless with their posting choices. Under this false sense of security, kids will post pictures of themselves and friends participating in demeaning, offensive, and sometimes even criminal behavior. Typical posts include party behavior like alcohol, e-cigarettes or vape pen use or revealing or sensual poses. Cruel commentary about fights and cyberbully-like exclusion are also typical Finsta content.

Consequences of Careless Finstagram Posting

One example of the effects of thoughtless Finsta posting is Sophie* and her family. Sophie posted a photo on her Finsta featuring herself and a friend vaping at the beach. The picture was seen by a parent and family friend of Sophie’s family, who spotted it on the Instagram feed of her daughter. The parent shared what she had seen with Sophie’s parents, knowing that if Sophie was familiar with e-cigarettes, it was likely that she was also experimenting with alcohol and other substances. Sophie’s parents were put in the complicated position of debating whether to confront Sophie about her actions or to remain silent to preserve their relationship with their daughter.

A similar story is that of Lindsay*, who posted a revealing photo of herself seductively posing in a bodysuit and holding an unlit cigarette. She posted it on her Finstagram because she knew it was a suggestive photo and did not want her parents or other adults to see it on her primary account. Unfortunately, someone brought the photo to the attention of her swim coach, whose concern for Lindsay’s action prompted her to ask to speak to Lindsay privately. Her coach expressed her disappointment over the photo and told Lindsay that “[she was] better than that.” Lindsay felt an overwhelming sense of shame and humiliation at having let down her coach, a young woman who she respected and whose opinion she valued. Not only was Lindsay devastated by the shame of her swim coach thinking less of her, but she was left wondering who betrayed her. The remainder of her swim season was spent scrutinizing each of her teammates and guessing at who might have ratted her out.

In both of these scenarios, the adults chose to confront the kids out of concern for their safety and potential future consequences, including professional relationships with employers, advisors, and coaches. Also, in each case, the discovery of the Finsta posts compromised the trust between adult and child. The truth is, the consequences could have been far worse.

The Dilemma Parents Face

Parenting teens is tough. It’s too easy to get caught up in emotional swings and crises, resulting in worried and freaked out parents and angry teens. Choosing which hill to die on can be confusing. Here are some issues to think about when deciding whether to confront your teen about unwise Finsta posts.

Humiliating your child. Although teenagers like to act aloof and indifferent, the truth is that they crave the approval of prominent adults in their lives. No parent wants to humiliate their child, but sometimes facing the disappointment of respected mentors is the most effective way to get teens to quit their Finsta-ing ways.
Dealing with punishment.There are times when the hassle of creating a punishment worthy of the crime seems like more work than it is worth. Do you ground them, or let them off with just a warning? Do you take their phone away, or do you also go through it to see what other activities they are keeping secret? And then there’s the fear that you might see something worse than the initial incriminating photo. Consequences are necessary to teach a lesson but don’t compromise your own sanity in the process. A compassionate conversation is probably enough for first-time and understandable slips. Remember, they are supposed to be making mistakes in order to learn.
Inadvertently causing your child to be even more sneaky Kids who have been caught posting risky Finsta photos in the past may take greater measures to make sure they are not caught again. Firm and effective confrontation can help foster a sense of trust between adults and kids, while angry scolding will only push them farther away.

How to Spot a Finsta

Ask your child. In the two stories above, the main cause of the lack of trust after the discovery of a Finsta resulted not from the uncovering of the secret account, but from the seemingly sneaky way the adults came across it. No one likes to feel like they are being spied on, and kids are more likely to try harder to keep secrets if they feel like their parents are constantly sleuthing their social media. By asking your kid face-to-face if they have any other Instagram accounts, you give them the chance to tell the truth, show you trust them, and create the opportunity to better get to know your child.
Check tagged photos. Instagram has a feature where you can look at all the photos someone has been tagged in on their profile. Scroll to see all photos your child was tagged in.
Look for silly Instagram handles. Finstagram account handles are usually nicknames or an inside joke. If you recognize a nickname in the account name as something your child has referred to, it might be their Finsta.

Let’s face it: in a world where we are constantly surrounded and exposed to technology, there is no way to truly prevent kids from being active on social media. All we can do as parents is educate ourselves on the consequences and potential dangers of reckless Finsta posting and steer our kids in the right direction. Thanks to Claire Therriault for teaching us all about Finstagrams. To learn more about safe Instagramming, check out The GKIS Sensible Parent’s Guide to Instagram.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

*Names changed to protect source confidentiality.

Works Cited

[1]Instagram Monthly Active Users 2018 | Statistic.” Statista, The Statistics Portal , June 2018,

www.statista.com/statistics/253577/number-of-monthly-active-instagram-users/.

^[2]“Finstagram.” Urban Dictionary, 8 Dec. 2013, www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Finstagram.

[3]Shah, Saqib. “Do You Finstagram? The New Way Teens Are Using Instagram in Private.” Digital Trends,

Digital Trends, 23 Feb. 2017, www.digitaltrends.com/social-media/finstagram-fake-instagram/.

Photo Credits

Photo by Blake Lisk on Unsplash

Photo by Elijah O’Donell on Unsplash

Photo by Ugly Banana on Flickr

You Spied and Caught Your Teen Sexting, Now What?

February 11, 2018 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Parents often sneak onto their teen’s phone and see something explicit, upsetting, or dangerous. Then they’re in the hard spot of telling their teen they were spying without permission and intervening appropriately. I believe screen monitoring is necessary with young, impulsive teens, but I also believe parents should tell their kids they are monitoring and filtering. It provides practice for thinking before posting, demonstrates that other parents and adults are also viewing, and reveals a willingness to work together about online choices. Security and parenting experts have disagreed with me, saying that if a parent reveals intent they will miss out on secret plans and sneaky behaviors. The controversy is real.

A GKIS subscriber asked what do when she saw inappropriate content on her teen’s phone after secretly monitoring. Here’s my response:

Parent honesty is important, because we lose credibility if we punish for sneaking and lying while we are sneaking and lying. The trust was breached when you saw that content without discussing the rules ahead of time. If not handled delicately, this could damage your relationship. For that reason, I suggest you put your ego at the door and get out a knife and fork, because you are going to have to eat crow and apologize. Where is it written that parents can’t make mistakes? Let’s face it. We are new at parenting teens just as kids are new at being teens. This adds up to a rocky road of successes, failures, stops, and starts.

First, schedule a time to have a private discussion with your teen when you will not be interrupted. Tell him the truth. Admit that you were concerned, and you screwed up. In hindsight you realized you should have had more safety parameters in place before you got to this point, and you should have told him that his screen use would be monitored. Express your concerns while validating that his loving and sexual feelings towards his girlfriend are normal and natural (assuming there were no safety or legal violations here). Explain your philosophy about what you think is appropriate regarding intimacy and relationships at his age. Assure him that you will keep his confidence. Don’t go telling grandma and Aunt Linda about the intimate details you uncovered. Let him know that these are his facts to share if he chooses to, not yours.

Second, ask him what suggestions he has to resolve the very real conflict of privacy versus safety. Actively negotiate screen safety parameters. Some of my GKIS Staging Tips apply, such as no screens in bedrooms, bathrooms, or behind closed doors and GKIS blackout times to optimize judgment and supervision. Also, consider if monitoring and filtering programs and apps apply in this situation. Keep in mind it is best not to tell him which specific programs you will be implementing. If your son is a young teen, then monitor more closely. If he is older, you may just want to set a lighter monitoring option. Most importantly, let him know what you plan and why. And absolutely consider his input. By the time he’s an adult, he should be mostly on his own off-screen and on.

Finally, plan relationship-building opportunities with your son to repair the damage done. Perhaps this means getting to know his girlfriend better so they understand that he has a family to take into consideration when it comes to friendship and love. Of course, they deserve privacy, but you may choose to set stricter limits for now. Keep in mind that not every mistake requires traditional discipline, like taking screens away. The humiliation of you reading his texts and the face-to-face conversation about it is probably consequence enough. The truth is, his best resource for keeping intimate relationships healthy is the support and competition for his time from his friends. He needs his friends right now.

Cheers to you for reaching out for help. Teen-parent negotiations can be difficult. To learn more answers to parent questions, get my book Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe. If you like what you read, please leave an Amazon review. <3

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo Credits

Photo by Morgan Sessions on Unsplash

Teens Intimidate and Parents Slack: How to Stop the Guilt

February 11, 2018 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Parents know that screen use carries risk, whether it’s sleep deprivation, texting while driving, online sexuality and aggression, or addiction. But what can we do about it? Pandora’s box has been opened. Yes, there are powerful parenting strategies that should be happening to limit risk, but who wants to deal with toxic teen fallout? Tweens and teens can put up a fight and workaround most rules anyway. And what if you have been monitoring on the sly and see something alarming, then what? If they find out you’ve been spying, it will damage an already difficult relationship. What can parents do to kick in and do a better job without starting World War III?

I work with teens every day in practice and have two at home. I agree they can be pretty scary. But I also know that without us, they’re capable of getting into real danger. There are sensible techniques you can use to implement real change without damaging your relationship. Believe it or not, teens even welcome limits sometimes, as long as they’re justified and introduced with a sincere offer for respectful negotiation. If that wasn’t the case, I’d be getting fired by session three most of the time by my teen clients. Instead, I often have to push them to graduate from therapy. Like us, they love fun connection and will accept adult influence more than you think.

Here are some parenting hacks for managing screen use even with the most independent teens:

DON’T AMBUSH

Sprinkle in your intent and justification over time rather than in one aggressive attack. Intervention doesn’t have to happen all at once (even though you may be anxious to get it over with). Introduce your ideas over time to give teens a chance to digest the information. Start with a discussion, then a meeting, then the implementation in doable steps. It’s unlikely you’ll ever get their full buy-in, but gradual tweaks will be accepted far better than a hostile takeover. For example, rather than take away Instagram due to a transgression, talk to them with warmth and acceptance acknowledging that ALL teens make mistakes online. No big deal. Just fix this one and maybe pare back to Dunbar’s number on their friends list. This is the number of friends our brains seem to have slots for, 150. By paring back, they reduce risk and still get to keep connecting with friends. All-or-nothing interventions can drive a wedge, but gradual and reasonable tweaks provide learning opportunity and you get cred for being reasonable.

PREPARE FOR PUSH-BACK

When I work with families, I often start with coping skills long before I suggest parenting strategies. Listening, assertiveness, negotiation, and relaxation skills are key. It also helps if you are prepared. These push-back possibilities are offered so you won’t be surprised when they arise and will stay calm and strategic and avoid getting pulled in and manipulated. If it gets too heated, walk away (eyes off the behavior you don’t want) and return to the issue another time (eyes on the behavior you want). Most important, don’t let them see you sweat. Maintain your credibility with calm authority.

Typical teen push-backs:

Act like they don’t care with plans to sneak later

Justify, lie, or make excuses

“I didn’t do it”

“Everybody does it”

“My teacher says I have to”

“You don’t know what it’s like now [I know everything about everything]””

Deflect and distract

By triggering you with real-time bad behavior, you may forget to follow through (“Look squirrel!”). I call this “throwing a fireball into the room.” While the parent is running around putting out fires, the issue at hand gets lost and the kid wins. Fireballs can be:

Eye-rolling

Talking back or cussing

Pulling out a list of grievances with absolutes (“You never let me” “This always happens”)

Tantrum

Name calling (“You suck”)

Self-deprecation (“I’m a terrible kid”)

Emotional extortion: Threaten to hurt you or themselves

Physically aggress (throwing, slamming, hitting)

Defy you and do it anyway

LISTEN AND VALIDATE

Although maddening, it’s healthy for teens to push back and manipulate. You want your kids to test things out on you, their safe person. Don’t take oppositionality personally. Manipulative kids are simply smart, strategic kids. Your job isn’t to squash their spirits, it’s to manage it and coach them to success.

For kids to engage in a discussion, you’ll need to listen as much as you talk. Lectures turn them off immediately. No engagement means you’ve lost any hope of influence. Once your child has responded and you’ve confirmed that you understand their position (whether you disagree with it or not, their position is legitimate), firmly state your intent to establish sensible rules. Remember that screen use is their lifeline to learning and socialization. Compulsive screen use happens, because it has real meaning and benefit. If you tell them to “turn it off,” they get anxious. Anxious kids are the most defiant, because they will endure almost anything to avoid the feelings from anxious rebound. Making a non-negotiable announcement will make for hard-going later and interfere with the opportunity for teens to take accountability for positive change. There’s big payoff for giving in a little rather than demanding full obedience. Modeling, mentorship, and teamwork are keys to success.

NEGOTIATE THE RULES

How does one negotiate without losing authority? Let’s take the example of trying to get your child off their phone during homework time, called multitasking. First, keep in mind this is not a black and white issue. Sometimes multitasking contributes to learning, other times it interferes.

Multitasking is beneficial when generating ideas, acculturating oneself to vocabulary and ideas around a particular topic, identifying experts and networking with community, enriching understanding using multimodal formats (reading, listening, viewing video), and when browsing for entertainment. Multitasking activities that have performance costs include screen activities that interrupt demanding cognitive learning tasks like reading, homework, or studying. Perhaps pulling back on bad habits rather than eradicating them entirely is a good start for now. For best success, outline goals, commit to honest learning objectives, and download time management and tracking apps. Let them try out their ideas, then swing around later to discuss outcome. Tweak, repeat.

There you have it, a plan! Remember to set an expectation for success and prepare for follow-through. If you capitulate to teen freak outs, it will be far harder next time because you’ve taught them you’ll cave in the face of tantrums. If you follow through, they’ll eventually respect your authority. Staying firm, consistent, and emotionally neutral is also important. You’re empowered and so are they. Small consequences (one night when devices are docked early) are usually just as impactful as big ones (taking their phone for a week), and you are less likely to cave because it’s doable. Don’t forget to remind them that you will lighten up as they get close to graduating. High school seniors need more independence to build resilience and prep them for success in college.

Check out my article, You Spied and Caught Your Teen Sexting, Now What? for more parenting advice about screens and teens. If these tips are useful, find more in my book Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe. If you like what you read, please leave an Amazon review. <3

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo Credits

Photo by Adrian Sava on Unsplash

Photo by Timothy Eberly Unsplash

Online Slang That Parents Need to Know

August 3, 2017 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Two weeks ago Access Hollywood Live asked me to appear on a parenting segment to discuss slang kids and teens use online. I accepted the request planning to discuss the reasons teens use slang and offer suggestions to parents about how to respond when they see social media slanguage. Very quickly I realized I don’t have “expertise” about current slang terms. My teens and those I interact with in my office don’t talk or text slang with me, leaving me in the dark like every other parent. So I reached out to the teens themselves. Not only did my informal survey generate a list of popular slanguage that parents should be familiar with, but I also learned that teens are having less sex despite our fears.

Why teens use slang

During the adolescent developmental period, teens are creating their own identities independent from their parents. Developing peer relationship skills prepares them to better select a mate later on. At this point in their development, they’ve mastered attachment to mom and dad; now it’s time to learn how to select quality friends, maintain healthy friendships, and form a community with peers. In order to form community, one must create a culture of shared identity and ideals. That means creating similar passions, fashions, music, and language among one’s chosen peer group. Hashing out leadership and alliances are centeral issues behind teen drama. What better way to investigate the complexities of peer interaction than through observation?

Celebrity culture and its impact on slang

Ever wondered why kids are so enamored with the reality show format of Keeping Up With the Kardassians? It’s because they’re trying to keep up with the Kardassians! The sisters in this family are hip, rich, and glamorous. Unlike the typically uptight parents, television celebrities (and their producers) know how to offer up issues kids are most concerned about like beauty, parties, and sex appeal.

Watch the reality shows your kids watch, and you’ll recognize that they are an entertaining forum to learn about forming friendships, negotiating conflict, making yourself appealing to others, and getting rich. Each scuffle between beautiful sisters is a lesson in getting one’s needs met while maintaining connection with those you love. Whether we like it or not, our teens are driven to learn how to “be” from those they admire. Learning from television is particularly prominent as our families get smaller, our houses get larger, and we spend more hours watching screens and less time with each other. No longer do kids listen in on the conversations of their extended family members as they cook in the kitchen or sit on the porch. Now they watch unscripted (but certainly produced) reality television shows to learn how to behave in a group. We protect them by keeping teens home, which can create loneliness and, arguably, less resilience overall.

How is slang different today than when we were young?

Teens from every generation have their own slang, but what today’s kids have that we didn’t is online interaction and less face-to-face interaction.

3 Ways Online Slang Differs From Offline Slang

IMMERSION: No longer is teen social time limited by face-to-face opportunity. Now kids bond with texting and social media most of their waking hours. This means their online relationships are often more intimate and all-consuming than their offline relationships.

IMPACT: When kids post, their content may reach hundreds, thousands, or millions. The more “likes” for their image or post, the more reinforcement. That means kids customize content for shareability and impact. The language used while attaching to teen peers is more intense, shocking, and emotive, reflective of romance and hormone-driven drama.

INHIBITION: Without seeing your words register on somebody’s face, teens are bolder with their sexuality and aggression. Cyberbullying is rampant and edgy commentary is commonplace.

What do parents need to know about teen slanguage online?

When I asked teens what parents need to know, they resoundingly responded, “nothing!” Their intent is to create a culture distinct from moms and dads. As soon as parents understand and, God forbid, use teen slang, it is immediately retired (just like social media apps when parents take over).

There are different types of slang. Spoken slang is designed for humor and impact, emoji slang is designed for simplicity of concept, and abbreviation slang is created for efficiency and sometimes secrecy. Abbreviation slang is likely the most dangerous in that it may be a way for an online predator to extend challenges and invitations to naïve targets. The teens I spoke to insisted those terms are not commonplace.

Has the vulgar online culture resulted in teens having more sex?

When Hollywood Access Live host Natalie Morales asked me, “Now our kids are using code language. Often times it’s harmless and other times it’s not, right?” I responded, “I don’t think teens are any scarier today than we were.” Amidst good-natured laughter, Natalie protested saying, “I think they’re a little more promiscuous than we were.” Guest host Garcelle Beauvais added, “We feared our parents, I don’t think our kids fear us.” Then we went on to agree that online teen online language is far more explicit and vulgar than the slang of yesteryear.

But here is what you may be surprised to learn: even though today’s teens demonstrate more acceptance of casual and what we used to consider deviant sexual practices (like oral sex, anal sex, same gender sex, and polyamory), teens are more sexually responsible than previous generations. In fact, despite popular misconceptions that teens are hooking up casually, the truth is they are “talking” more than dating and having sex later and with fewer partners than previous generations. They are also more likely to use contraception, resulting in teen pregnancy rates being at an all-time low. Shocking right?

A 2016 survey, conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention of 16,000 9 – 12th grade students from 125 public and private schools, found marked declines in the percentage of kids having sex, a later age for first intercourse, and fewer partners than the teens of previous generations. The drop is sharpest for ninth-graders, showing a dramatic 40% drop in the number of sexually active teens since 1991 (Twenge, 2017). The today’s average teen has their first sexual intercourse during spring of 11th grade, a full year later than the generation before them. This led researchers to conjecture that fewer teen pregnancies and abortion wasn’t just because of better use of birth control, but because of less sexual intercourse.

Why? Nobody can be sure, but it makes sense that kids have less opportunity than ever before. Look in your own home. Are your teens running around the neighborhood with other teens until the streetlights come on? Not so much, right? Instead they are home watching videos, texting, and using social media on average of 10 hours a day. Screen use has so dramatically changed adolescence that 12th-graders in 2015 go out less often than eighth-graders did in 2009 (Twenge, 2017). Kids staying home on screens rather than interacting in the community without parents has resulted in benefits and risks.

Author Dr. Jean Twenge reports that teens are physically safer than they’ve ever been. Kids today are less likely to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, or get in a car accidents than teens from previous generations. In fact, one in four teens will not have gotten their driver’s license upon graduating high school, a dramatic change from previous generations who were at the DMV the day they turned 16. Teens are also not employed like previous generations (from 77% among high school seniors in the 1970s to 55% today). With academic and athletic pressures, parents are more accepting of teen leisure time. But does more leisure mean better mental health?

No, rates of teen depression and suicide have skyrocketed since 2011. With increased screen time, teens get less sleep and report more unhappiness and loneliness. Social media doesn’t make them feel more connected, it makes teens feel more left out (Twenge, 2017). Microaggressions online are constant and cyberbullying has chronic impact. Viewing thousands of altered beauty images daily gives rise to body image distortion and anxiety. Online activities fill time and can be fun, but at the end of the day a chronic sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction has its cost. Some have even called it a mental health crisis. The dramatic changes in childhood within the last ten years due to screen use among kids and teens in my practice are the reason I founded GetKidsInternetSafe.

What can we do?

We can limit screen time and enrich their lives by encouraging healthy relationships. We can optimize the benefit of education through digital literacy, recognizing that there are screen activities that provide important health information. Then follow up this information by talking to them about our values and belief systems. Protecting them too much can reduce resilience. But supporting healthy independence and staying present for them increases resilience. Monitor their slang and invite discussion, but don’t bury your head or get intrusive.

Below is a quick list of the most common slang offered up by the teens in my community. My best tip for decoding your teen’s most recent linguistic masterpiece is to look it up on the site Urban Dictionary. If you do use this source, be prepared to be shocked. It is user created, and contributors hold nothing back. Profanity and sexuality is blatant. Be brave. The more you know, the more credibility you’ll have during important family discussions. What do you think? Are kids scarier now than we were? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

Do you wonder if teen slang is contributing to the hookup culture? Check out the article, Is Your Teen Hooking Up? for ideas about how to support your kids in today’s casual sex environment.

I’m the mom psychologist who helps you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Dr. Tracy Bennett

The GKIS Quicklist of Current Teen Slanguage

FOR TEXT:

53X: Sex
8: Oral sex
9: Parent watching
CD9: Parents around/Code 9
99: Parent gone
1174: Party meeting place
420: Marijuana
GNOC: get naked on camera
CU46: see you for sex
LMIRL: let’s meet in real life
IWSN: I want sex now
IKR: I know right
TLDR: too long didn’t read
IMO: in my opinion
FFS: for f*&k sake
NIFOC: Naked in front of computer
PIR: Parent in room
POS: Parent over shoulder
KOTL: Kiss on the lips
PRON: Porn
TDTM: Talk dirty to me
IPN: I’m posting naked
LH6: Let’s have sex
WTTP: Want to trade pictures?
DOC: Drug of choice
TWD: Texting while driving
GYPO: Get your pants off
KPC: Keeping parents clueless
AMA: Ask Me Anything
THOT: That hoe over there
CID: Acid (the drug)
DAE: Does Anyone Else?
Dafuq: (What) the f***?
DM: Direct Message
ELI5: Explain Like I’m 5 (my Fav!)
FML: F*** My Life
FTFY: Fixed That For You

CONVERSATIONAL SLANG:

Broken: Hungover from alcohol
SugarPic: Suggestive or erotic photo
Thirsty: craving attention, desperate
Turnt: to be wasted or crazy
Bae/boo: my girl/boyfriend (before all else)
Smash: do have sex with somebody
F boy: male slut
Tweekin: worried
Skrt: to get out of talking to someone “I need to skrt”
Lit: really cool or wasted
Af: as f&^k
Goat: greatest of all times
Shook: can’t believe it
Thick: someone who is very curvy
Salty: upset or bitter
Extra: over the top dramatic
Savage: cruel
Woke: with it or knowledgable
Shade: untrustworthy
Gucci: cool or I agree
Cash me outside: let’s fight
That’s fire: that’s really good
Dope: that’s cool or good
Yee: hyped up about something fun
Dank: that’s cool or good
Savage: cruel
Choice: fly, desirable, the best
Idek: I don’t even know
Boosted: a league of legends term for a bad player who paid to get a higher rank (a poser)
Fleek: cool

Sources Cited

https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/65/ss/pdfs/ss6509.pdf

https://www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/534198/

Should Parents Monitor Teen Texts?

July 30, 2017 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Today’s world seems far more complicated for kids than it was for us. No longer is a kid’s stomping ground only as big as his neighborhood. With the Internet, kids interact with strangers every day from all over the world. Global real-time connection creates profound learning opportunities. But with opportunities comes risks. Locking doors and windows is no longer enough. Screens are the danger portal. Today’s article tackles the controversy about monitoring kids’ online activity. Should you monitor teen texts or not? And if you do, should you keep it on the down-low from your kids?

3 Types of Digital Parents

The free-range/permissive parent argues that we must trust our kids by being “eyes off” their digital activities, allowing kids to make and learn from their own online mistakes. They feel that failure and recovery results in resilience.

The helicopter/authoritarian parent argues that kids don’t have the judgment to go it alone. The risks are too dangerous. Parents must monitor with vigilance, ready to intervene at any moment. They further believe that parents have the right to withhold information about monitoring in order to access the good stuff. If kids know of the monitoring, they’ll backchannel forbidden conversations, effectively cutting parents out of the loop.

The authoritative parent believes that monitoring is necessary due to the dangers on the web and the impulsivity from an immature brain, but also believes in honesty and transparency about monitoring. Honest discussion provides opportunities for teaching critical skills and providing the content necessary for ongoing, cooperative parent-child dialogues about Internet safety.

GetKidsInternetSafe and TeenSafe Belief Systems

As creator of GetKidsInternetSafe and a psychologist who sees the fallout from all types of parenting strategies, I recognize that each argument has its legitimate strengths. Each child is different; each parent is different; each family is different. However, for the typical family I whole-heartedly advocate for authoritative parenting.

When the founder of TeenSafe, Scott Walker, first contacted me several years ago, we had a heart-to-heart talk about the parenting strategies we use in our own homes. TeenSafe is the first and leading independent smartphone control and monitoring service for parents. In fact, I had been using TeenSafe with my family and had been recommending it to GKIS subscribers for several months before me and Scott met. I was pleased to find that we agreed that only parents can make best, informed decisions about their families, while still believing that open and honest tech monitoring with awesome parenting strategies are keys to achieving Internet safety.

Scott shared a story about how he founded TeenSafe based on a painful experience in his family where his daughter was the victim of a vicious cyberbully campaign at her new school. I shared stories from my practice of devastated families victimized by pornography, sexting, and predation by pedophiles and human traffickers. We also shared that with our teens, we simply didn’t feel comfortable leaving them untethered in the scary World Wide Web, and that lying to them or excessively intruding on their online peer relationships seemed dishonest and hypocritical. Bottom line, we shared the mixed feelings and parenting dilemmas faced by our subscribers.

Dr. Tracy Bennett is named Global Ambassador for TeenSafe

Today I’m happy to announce that several years after our first meeting, TeenSafe has invited me to be their Global Ambassador. TeenSafe and GetKidsInternetSafe are natural partners for offering expert screen management strategies to parents. Here are my top reasons why I think authoritative parenting is the best strategy for building healthy family relationships, and why monitoring and managing screen use is a necessary parenting task.

Dr. B’s Top 4 Reasons Parents Should Use TeenSafe AND Tell Their Kids About It

The most powerful tool for a child’s education, skill building, and emotional well-being is a fun, safe parent-child relationship. Build it don’t threaten it!

Nobody is as motivated and equipped to teach important life lessons to kids as their parents. In order to have maximum positive influence, parents must deliberately build a cooperative dialogue and warmly support negotiative process. By telling your kids that you have a monitoring system in place at the very beginning of their digital identity building, you will reinforce that nothing online is private. Studies show that knowing their parents are monitoring them helps kids moderate their own online behavior. They are more likely to think before they post.

Furthermore, kids are more likely to bring up important discussion topics if they know their parents have seen it come up in their texts. Each conversation is a mutual, bi-directional learning opportunity, setting parents and teens up as teachable moment partners instead of adversaries. Kids may not like that their parents monitor, but just like with other household rules, they’ll appreciate that it’s justified and necessary and will ultimately feel loved. When they do slip (and they will), parents can prevent costly lapses in judgment.

TeenSafe monitoring is a powerful tool all by itself, but when it alerts parents that it is time to have particular conversations, it is an even more awesome tool.

Parents are too often the last to know. We tend to believe our little darlings are incapable of despicable behavior until it’s too late. Parents often dread certain conversations. When parents see inappropriate content on their kids’ texts, it triggers critical conversations as needed. Good timing helps kids develop moral perspective and sound judgment.

Monitoring not only shows what kids text, it also shows what they receive (posting, viewing, and interactive content). Parents get a window into their whole virtual child.

Kids often use the, “You don’t trust me” accusation to scare parents off their trail. Don’t fall for this manipulation. Respond with the truth, like “I don’t even trust myself to use great judgment all of the time, so yes, I guess I don’t have 100% confidence that you won’t make costly mistakes online. For that reason, I’m going to keep an eye out with you and help out until you’re older.”

If parents see the everyday virtual happenings of their kids, they’ll have a much more realistic and informed understanding of teen dilemmas. The virtual world is chock full of ugly, mean, and vulgar behaviors. Buckle in and get ready to see some awful behavior from good kids. It is simply the virtual culture, like it or not.

Modeling family values and maintaining credibility is essential for a fun, happy, healthy parent-child relationship. That means parents must practice what they preach.

Kids are unhappy about being monitored certainly, but so what. There are many important authoritative parenting decisions that will be made throughout their childhood they won’t be thrilled about. If justifiable and managed respectfully, they’ll get it. What they might not get is a parent who lectures about never sneaking and lying all while they are sneakily monitoring and lying about it (helicopter/authoritarian parents); or even worse, a parent who simply doesn’t care (free-range/permissive parents). Younger screen users require more monitoring while older teens need less and less. By 17 years old, most teens have the skills to manage their own texts while still needing support to avoid texting and driving.

To learn how TeenSafe keeps teens safer behind the wheel, check out my article How to Help Your Teen Stop Texting and Driving.

I’m the mom psychologist who helps you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Dr. Tracy Bennett

Hookup Apps: The GKIS Sensible Parent’s Guide to Tinder

April 29, 2017 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Dr. Bennett recently told me a story about her friend Abby’s first experience using the dating app Tinder. Her first date sounded perfect for a middle-aged woman new to the dating scene. Like her friends told her, she met her “match” for a quick drink. She knew better than to get into his car or reveal where she lived. They had a few drinks and then walked to a nearby restaurant for dinner. He was a gentleman, handsome and professional. She couldn’t wait to get home to tell her friends about him.

When she called my professor that night, Abby was beside herself excited about this guy. Dr. Bennett, quietly wondering if it was too good to be true, suggested that she Google him. A person’s digital footprint can reveal a lot. So, Abby Googled. You will never believe what she found out…

It turns out that the man of her dreams was everything he said he was. He was recently overseas as a military officer and had gotten out of a serious relationship several years before. But she also found out that the relationship ended with stalking, an attempted kidnapping, and years in federal prison. Her night went from fantasy to nightmare in a few keystrokes.

Today’s GKIS article reveals what every parent needs to know about the famous hook-up app recently turned dating app, Tinder.

With the rise of screen technology in full effect, the dating game has changed forever. Instead of going out to meet people, many teens and adults rely on dating apps to potentially meet their future soul mates. Or are they just looking for a casual hook up? This new hook up culture revolves heavily around the dating app, Tinder.

What is Tinder?

Tinder is a free dating app that you can use either on your mobile device or home computer. After signing up, you can connect with Facebook to merge your mutual friends, interests, and pictures with the Tinder app. There is a new feature to simply log in with a phone number. Tinder uses your location to match with other user’s close in proximity. If interested in one’s profile, users have the option to either “swipe right” which is a “go” or “swipe left” which indicates a “no.” In other words, play or pass. Once users are matched, meaning they both swiped right on each other’s profile, they can begin a conversation – whether it’s gifs (animated or static images) or messages.

What are Tinder’s popular features?

When linking Facebook to Tinder, you have access to a network of friends whom can potentially share similar interests.
The app works off of your geographic location, giving you an option to find matches within a specific radius. The user can match with people as close to 1 mile away and as far as 100 miles away. There is a setting where you can choose the maximum distance you prefer to swipe from.
Users can edit their profile and select certain photos, create a personal bio, and insert personal demographic information they would like to share.
In order to search for matches, users swipe through profiles until they are matched with another user. Once matched, users have the option to message or keep swiping through other profiles.
Users can exchange messages, reactions, and gif’s which disappear after 24 hours. Users also have the ability to like a message sent from another user. Sending a reaction to one of your matches is a new feature on snapchat. Reactions look like a bigger emoji that moves and takes up most of the screen. The reactions include sending a shooting heart, a constant laughing face, clapping hands, a jumping cocktail drink, and an eye roll. (They do add new reactions randomly).

What is included in the personal profile?

The first thing that appears on one’s personal profile is your photo. It also gives an option to swipe through the other photos posted on the account.
Underneath the photo, it shows the user’s name and age. Depending on the user’s privacy preferences, it may also show one’s gender, interests, photos from Instagram, education and job details, a chosen anthem from Spotify, and one’s distance from your location.

What are the privacy options?

Although Tinder is connected to Facebook, Tinder does not have authorization to post anything to one’s Facebook page.
The information entered to sign up for Tinder can be hidden from other users. This includes e-mail address, home address, phone number, and birthday.
When managing privacy options, users can opt to upgrade to Tinder Plus in order to hide their age and location to others.

How long has it been around and how popular is it?

Tinder was launched in 2012 by developer Sean Rad, Jonathan Badeen Justin Mateen, Joe Munoz, Whitney Wolfe and Chris Gylczynski. The app has been growing in numbers ever since. “Research shows there are 50 million active users who check their Tinder accounts up to 11 times per day (Claire, 2017).”

What are the risks for use?

Cyberbully potential:

Other Tinder users can send threatening/cruel messages or offensive pictures
Fake accounts and impersonation.
Users can become desperate for likes and matches, potentially affecting self-perception and self-esteem.

Making poor decisions:

There is a temptation to participate in casual hookups that can potentially lead to a unsafe sex and victimization.
Since location plays a huge role in this app, it is easy for online predators to target Tinder users.

What are the protection features?

If a user is sending inappropriate messages or images, there is an option to un-match with them and this disallows them to contact you.
You have the option to upgrade to Tinder Plus, which allows you to hide location and age.
There is also an option to turn-off the option to show your profile on Tinder.

Thank you to CSUCI student Nicole Hunnicutt for co-authoring this article. One thing no parent wants to think about is how predators use social media to target victims for sex trafficking. Most of us think this is the kind of thing that only happens to vulnerable youth in poor countries. Unfortunately, children and teens are victimized in most American towns with families in every income level. All it takes is a cunning predator and a kid with a screen. To take safety measures today to Get(your)KidsInternetSafe, check out this article on how sex traffickers use social media to recruit victims.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

Claire, M. (2017, February 21). Tinder: The Online Dating App Everyone’s Talking About. Retrieved March 02, 2017, from http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/sex-and-relationships/tinder-the-online-dating-app-that-everyone-s-talking-about-112522

What is Tinder? Parent App Guide (Video) – SafeSmartSocial. (2017, February 15). Retrieved February 22, 2017, from https://safesmartsocial.com/what-is-tinder-parent-guide/?utm_source=Safe%2BSmart%2BSocial%2BMailing%2BList&utm_campaign=57ce4c7f10-S3_Newsletter_3_Stars_2_23_17&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_40b34a3ccb-57ce4c7f10-195659757

Vedantam, S., Klahr, R., Penman, M., Boyle, T., Schmidt, J., Connelly, C., & Cohen, R. (2017, February 14). Hookup Culture: The Unspoken Rules Of Sex On College Campuses. Retrieved February 26, 2017, from http://www.npr.org/2017/02/14/514578429/hookup-culture-the-unspoken-rules-of-sex-on-college-campuses

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