Do you remember as a young child when you lost someone you loved? Whether it was your first dog or your grandma, the pain was definitely there. Many children are exposed to death in their early years initially from cartoons, tv shows, and movies. The complex concept of death is often difficult for kids to understand. Today’s GKIS article covers some basics about children, grief, and how to help them through it.
Every child will grieve at some point.
Whether we like it or not our children will have to face a time where they must grieve. One day their fish will die, their friend may pass, maybe even a grandparent will pass away. Parents are the most important touch-point during a time like this. Knowing how to manage it can make a big difference in child outcome.
When I was 10 years old the biggest person in my world would become a memory to me, my dad. On January 22, 2009, my dad lost his battle with stage-4 colon cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday, from my feelings to the headband I was wearing when I found out. The hurt and pain I felt knowing I would never be able to smell his hair pomade, take a Walmart trip with him just so I could sneak a J-14 magazine into the cart, or learn the game of football from him with dreams of playing for his favorite team, the Raiders. My dad was my world and just like that … he was gone.
For a long time growing up I was angry. I would act out and talk back to my mom, you name it I did it. I did not really understand how to deal with my emotions and felt that I needed to be strong for my mom and older sister. I would brush off his death like I did not care a single bit, but how could I not? My mom tried everything to help me, from taking me to therapy, encouraging me to play sports, and even retail therapy, but nothing made it better. Of course, I had many times where I was happy and laughing because yes, my life did go on, but I always felt a void in my heart.
Looking back now, I wish I could have understood the process more. Maybe with more support, my mom could have reached me better or helped me feel more understood. As I got older one of my goals was to become a children’s therapist, hoping to specialize in children who are grieving the loss of a loved one because I know first-hand how that feels. Every now and then when I think of a new way of grieving, I write it down. Writing today’s GKIS article helped me heal a little bit. I hope you find some of these helpful for you too.
Helping Your Child Overcome Grief
Try to go about your daily life as normal as possible.
Your child is already having to cope with the absence of somebody they loved. So rather than change other things in their life that they may miss as well, like friends or school, try to stick to your daily regimen.[1] The day after my dad passed away my mom encouraged me to go to my softball game. Although it was painful to see the empty seat next to my mom, it actually helped distract me for some much-needed temporary relief.
If past routines are too hard, start new ones!
If you are unable to stick to your daily routine because the pain of the missing loved one is just too great, creating new ideas may offer a fresh start. Anticipating events can be almost as much fun as doing them. When you come up with an idea, like building a sandbox, painting a room, or by making an outside fort, put it on the calendar. Give your child something to look forward to.
Show your child that you love them!
Be there for your child and remind them how much you love them each and every day by doing these small things:[1]
Leave them a small note in their sack lunch so they know you are always thinking of them.
Greet them with an enthusiastic smile and a hug in the morning.
Read them one too many stories and kiss them goodnight.
Treat them occasionally with an unexpected surprise from the store, like a cupcake or little toy.
Spend extra family time together, like on a hike or a special trip to their favorite ice cream shop
Leave love notes for them under their pillow.
It will be tough at times.
Dealing with the death of a loved one is difficult no matter what age you are. There are many complexities that come along with grieving and moving forward when losing someone you love. Although, you are probably just as heartbroken as your child, grief can manifest differently for different people. Although you will have challenging moments sometimes where you won’t know the next step, it’s okay. Breathe…you are not alone.
For extra coaching and support, it’s okay to ask for help from family, clergy, your child’s teacher, and even a psychologist. Sometimes children will speak more openly with someone they don’t have to worry may burst into tears themselves.
Teaching your child the concept of death may be challenging.
This is one thing about my dad’s death I struggled with for a long time. Like many young children who go through a loss of a loved one, I began to fear death and would constantly ask my mom if I was going to die too.
You will be asked a ton of questions
Children are curious and usually speak their minds with no filter. So, when asking about death
and loss be prepared to be asked very vague and challenging questions. Make sure you always give a thought out and complete explanation.
Questions you may get asked:
What is death?
Why do people die?
Where do they go when they die?
Will I die, too?
Can’t they come back?
It is important, in any which way you answer these questions, to keep it positive while also being straightforward with your child. Dr. Bennett calls it honesty with discretion. Kids get a lot of comfort if you tell them they’ll see their loved one again, but not for a very long time. Follow up that their loved one will always be with them, held close. It just won’t be as easy to see them.
Teach them the concept of death in a positive way. Be honest about your emotions while assuring them of their safety and that they are loved. Letting your children see you grieve sometimes will normalize healthy emotions. You don’t have to suppress emotion completely, all the time. It’s OK to be genuine and even accept soothing from them sometimes.
Still feel a disconnection.
Grief is a very normal and healthy process. However, kids and adults can sometimes sink into what psychologists call complicated bereavement. Complicated bereavement is grief that escalates into impairment and may benefit from professional clinical treatment. If you are wondering if it’s time to seek clinical help, ask yourself simple questions:
Are they sad more than half of the time?
Are they not eating or failing to gain or lose weight?
Are they having trouble sleeping or sleeping too much?
Are they complaining about intrusive thoughts or frequent nightmares?
Are they refusing to go to school or do homework?
Are they moving like they have no energy or agitated often?
Do they act tired, like they have no energy and can’t make decisions? Have they engaged in self-harm or threatened suicide?
Do’s and Don’ts When Helping Your Child Grieve
Do’s
Allow your child to grieve in their own way whether it be video games or crying into their pillow.
Mix curiosity with caring. This will not only show your child that you too are saddened by the loss, but it will also help your child express their feelings to you.
Separate your grief from theirs. It may sound selfish but, in this time, it will be beneficial to your child to see you hold yourself together as much as you can. They are in a foreign state of mind and will need to look up to you in how to move forward.
Be careful with your actions. Children are absorbent and pay close attention. Try not to grieve in ways that will not be beneficial to your child, like overindulging with alcohol, checking out, or having huge meltdowns in front of your child.
Praise! Oftentimes children develop new skills in this time of grieving. Be sure to mention how good they got at painting, you like their new makeup style, or even how easily they were able to pick up a sport.
Consider online support groups if there is a deficit of live support in your area.
Don’ts
Do not insist on a certain time or way to mourn. Everyone mourns in their own way.
Tell your child the truth, don’t say that their grandma is just sleeping or that their dog went on a walk. Kids can take things too literally and blame themselves or become afraid.[2]
Children need to be children. Don’t make them take on adult duties. Taking away their childhood will be seen as another loss for them.
Don’t be quick to punish. Your child may act out to elicit your attention. This sounds crazy but normalize their actions. This will help them stop this bad behavior.
Don’t knock the idea of support groups. Children being exposed to other children who are also experiencing loss may benefit from a sense of camaraderie.
If you live in California, Hawaii, or Idaho and need some warm, therapeutic support, Dr. Bennett offers teletherapy sessions. Go to DrTracyBennett.com for more information. A grieving child is not the only one to learn something new, you are too. Knowing how to help, nurture, and care for your child during this time is not easy but with simple steps, it can become second nature. Keep going and don’t give up on yourself, you’re doing great! Thanks to Danielle Rivera for contributing this GKIS article.
Ancestry.com launched their genealogy company in 1983, allowing millions of people to research their family history.[1] Since that time, Ancestry.com and similar companies like 23andMe have added additional features. You can find out your entire genetic code by simply taking their saliva swab test. Within a few short weeks, you will receive your genealogical makeup and access to their social media account. This allows you to “match” with previous individuals who have taken the test to find your genetic connection. Although these tests seem intriguing, they leave out one crucial aspect: unexpected matches. Here’s my story on how my unexpected match changed my life.
How does it work?
For $99 you can mail in a saliva sample and, six weeks later, receive your 99.9% accurate DNA report.[2] Features of Ancestry.com and 23andMe saliva swab test include:
An ethnicity estimate
Updates of new DNA matchups as new information comes out
Social media connection to members who have already taken the test
Estimated relationship to matches (sister, aunt, great-grandma, etc.)
Regions in which your DNA is predominant
It Can Happen to Anyone
Here is a personal experience from my GKIS intern, Kaitlin. In December 2018 I got a phone call from my father. He was happier than usual, and I could tell he had important news to share. He told me he had taken the Ancestry DNA swab test and received a notification stating an estimated relationship – his previously unknown twenty-seven-year-old daughter!
At first, I felt devastated for a woman who had missed out on a relationship with her biological father. I realized how lucky I was to have had my father in my life. My father was really sick and at the end of his life. Meeting this new person meant incorporating her into one of the hardest moments of my family’s life.
The timeline of when she was born and when my parents got married was extremely close. The family was shocked. The news created problems between my parents at the end of his life.
My newly discovered sister had reached out to someone she thought was her father years prior to the discovery of my father and was brutally rejected. She was traumatized from his reaction. Once Ancestry DNA became popular, she decided to take the test to find the answer to this life-long identity question.
Upon learning the news, I felt obligated to encourage their relationship while also comforting my mom. I was confused and didn’t know how to react. I reached out to my new sister, but she seemed more interested in getting to know her biological father than getting involved with me.
That didn’t bother me as much as how she reacted when my dad passed away this year. After not talking to each other, despite several attempts to get to know her, she said some extremely hurtful things about what my father would’ve wanted and how I wasn’t fulfilling his final wishes. It seemed she thought her six months with my father meant more than my twenty-four years. It broke my heart and left me feeling resentful towards my biological sister. Now that my father is gone, I honestly just wish he never took the test.
That’s what they don’t warn you about before taking these tests. The possibility of finding the information you might not be ready for.
Why don’t they warn us?
Both 23andMe and Ancestry craft their advertising to intrigue and draw customers in. Their entire marketing strategy is solely focused on finding your genetic makeup and finding yourself. Ironically, you might find an entirely new person as well.
Absolutely nothing is said about the risky possibilities.
I couldn’t even find a warning in the “What to expect from AncestryDNA” post on Ancestry.com.[3] Identity can be fragile, and learning something as life altering and traumatic as an unexpected connection can change your entire life[4] One can only imagine how hard it must be for people to find out the parent that raised them isn’t actually their biological parent. There is also a possibility of finding out about infidelity or sexual assault. There was even a news story about a woman finding out that her biological father was her mother’s infertility specialist!
We at GKIS believe that these companies owe their customers more than they’re giving. Customers would be better served if there was a warning about the serious and potentially unintended psychological consequences of the information provided. Preparing customers for the unexpected at least offers an opportunity for making an informed opinion.
Online Support Groups
If you’ve had a psychological trauma resulting from DNA testing, you don’t have to go through it alone. There are several Facebook support groups available. For example, the NPE Friends Fellowship is an organization dedicated to people who have received answers they weren’t expecting.[5] The goals of these groups include receiving recognition and validation and finding a supportive community of people who understand and help each other heal. These groups allow the option of anonymity, along with a vulnerability backed by trust amongst peers who have experienced similar stories.
Families are complicated and so are the reasons behind family secrets. My family decided to handle this with open arms and offer support for my new sister. If something like this has happened to you or a friend, here are some options for you:
Stay calm and supportive.
Talk it out with your family members.
Join a Facebook support group.
Consult with a clinical psychologist like Dr. Bennett!
It’s universally understood that losing a loved one is difficult. Navigating the grieving and mourning process is different for everyone and can sometimes be extremely damaging to families. But, what about social media’s influence over the grieving process?
According to Kübler-Ross model, there are five steps to grief:
Denial and separation,
Anger,
Bargaining,
Depression, and
Acceptance.
I’ve found that although categorizing what I was experiencing made it easier to express to individuals who were not mourning, it made it harder for me to overcome my grief especially with how connected I am to social media. This is my story on how I navigated the grieving process in today’s online era.
My father had been sick for a while. He had a variety of illnesses, but ultimately it was chronic obstructive pulmonary disease that killed him. He was a lifelong cigarette smoker, and even when he was first put onto oxygen, it was hard for him to quit.
I knew this day was coming, and that inevitably I would receive that heartbreaking phone call from my mother that changed everything for me.
He passed away early in the morning on June 9, 2019, just six days away from one social media’s popular posting day… Father’s Day.
My grieving process was like anyone else’s who loses a parent. I was heartbroken, regretful, and nothing I felt… seemed like enough. A wave of, “I’m sorry for your loss” and “My thoughts are with your family” flooded my social media accounts and text messages. I couldn’t bare to respond. It made his passing all the more real, and talking about it to acquaintances who weren’t there for the devastating end of his life couldn’t even imagine the pain I was in. I felt alone, and social media made me feel even more alone.
How Social Media Affected My Grieving Process
Father’s Day rolled around and almost every person I followed posted a picture along with a loving caption about their dad. It was like a slap in the face from the universe, mocking my pain. I also couldn’t understand why the entire world seemed to move forward. I’d go on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook just to see how happy everyone was and how their world hadn’t crumbled into pieces as mine had. I was surprisingly bitter and angry. I snapped at friends who would complain about mundane things. I couldn’t leave the house, because everywhere around me people were celebrating summertime. It wasn’t until my birthday (June 27) that I finally overcame the weight of my loss. I spent the entire day drinking, laughing, and soaking up the sun with my mom at a spa. I was finally able to post something on Instagram, and, instead of faking it, I discussed my depression, my withdrawal, and how slowly I stepped out of both.
The overwhelming love and support I received from even strangers that follow me filled my heart with joy and warmth. I finally felt like I could breathe again and that life wasn’t so heavy. Sharing my grief with my followers and hearing their stories about their grieving process made me feel less guilty about my isolation and anger.
You are not alone.
The hardest part was leaving my house and doing everyday mundane things. But when I opened up on Instagram, I found comfort from my online friendships. People would comment, message me, and check-in with me after they knew what I was going through.
Social media made it easier for me to express myself without actually having to put myself out into the world again. Friends and family members sent me memes and silly cat videos to keep me laughing. Some friends even Venmoed me money so I could order food to my door rather than having to go to the grocery store.
If you or a loved one has lost someone, perhaps you would find comfort from social media sharing and connection. There are people that want to help and listen to you.
Here are some things that I did that were helpful:
