Parenting will probably be the hardest thing we ever do. If you don’t think that yet … buckle in it’s probably coming. With screens, parenting has gotten even harder. I also think it’s gotten more difficult to be a teen. Normal developmental mistakes are broadcast and shared among too many immediately and the sharing of dangerous “coping” methods happen too often. This article is about my oldest daughter, who graduated in 2012. This was even before the scary social media platforms came on-scene. Here’s a story about a road trip with a teen, texting, and a perimenopausal mother; what could possibly go wrong?
My oldest daughter, Carly, is amazing. She has always had the kind of vibrancy that makes everybody in her presence buzz. She’s smart, funny, and beautiful, and I’m beyond smitten with her. (I know, duh, I’m her mom). She and I have a close and complex relationship. She was my only for eight years and my mini-mom for her younger brother and sister after that. We complete each other’s sentences, yet have totally different ideas of “clean.” Nobody knows me better or gets to me quicker. Just as she puts sparkle in my soul, she can make me simmer with frustration.
During the summer between her sophomore and junior years, I panicked that she was not intending to pursue the future of my dreams. Yes, I said MY dreams. Since I loved her so much, I dreamed her future would be pre-paved by my hard-earned experience. No failures and frustrations for my child. She’d accept my wisdom and effortlessly make her way.
You’d think I’d know better being a shrink. Of course kids don’t accept parent influence like that. Once they become teens, it’s the healthy course for them to be hell-bent on stumbling into their own mistakes. As they hitch their own wagons, we can only look on wide-eyed and trembling. It is then that parents must grieve the children they expected (fantasy) and accept the children they got (reality).
Lucky for me, Carly’s true self is way better than my fantasy of who she would be. I had to learn that by coursing through many parenting challenges along the way. Don’t judge, you will too. 🙂
One of those challenges happened with my brilliant idea to inspire Carly’s academic goals with a college visit road trip. Well, technically it wasn’t all my idea. At the time, we were hanging with the coolest parents we know, at the coolest backstage concert venue we’ve ever been, when we were treated with the story of how their college road trip inspired their son into four-year university. Convinced at that moment I was failing to inspire as a parent, I rushed home and frantically mapped out a last minute, end-of-the-summer college road trip throughout Central and Northern California. Just Carly and I on a life adventure! It’s an understatement to say that Carly was NOT happy with my impulsive announcement. It was honestly nothing less than a cultish abduction inspired by maternal enthusiasm. I dismissed her pleas to let her spend the remaining two weeks of summer hanging with her friends and packed us up to go, snacks and sodas in the cooler, playlists on the iPod. Carly affectionately calls me BOSS LADY for a reason.
We launched on a beautiful sunny day; me at the wheel chirping excitedly with agenda in hand, Carly beside me rolling her eyes wearing a hoodie, earphones, and scowling contempt. At 15 years old, her love-hate for me ran deep and boiling, just as mine did for my mother when I was 15. I understood it completely and considered myself impervious, saintly if you will. After all, in my panic it was evident I had few opportunities left to land amazing feats of perfect mothering. And damn it we were going to go down ablaze tryin’!
Carly and I were no strangers to mother-daughter togetherness. As cheer mom of her high school cheer squad, I drove her and her friends to every home and away game for all football, basketball, and volleyball seasons for two years running; her little brother and sister clutching their Nintendo DS’s in tow. She and I were like a well-oiled machine fueled by smoothies and silver hair bows.
Upon pulling out of the driveway, Carly immediately hijacked the stereo for hip-hop, knowing that in an hour I’d pull rank to soak in my achingly sad singer-songwriter dirges. I was afire with anticipation.
It was as soon as the second hour of driving when my eager delight began to wane. At this point, I had exhausted my most inspired questions to entice her into conversation. She occasionally placated me with a forced nod or two-word response, most the time texting madly to her army of fascinating friends. When she did talk to me, she would give me that dead-eyed stare only teenage girls can give their mothers, then look with adoration at her iPhone, throwing her head back giggling at times with true delight. It was beyond annoying.
By the fifteenth dead-eyed stare, I was sulking and angry, or more accurately, self-righteously furious. How could she be so entitled when I had given up EVERYTHING to pave this path of college educational awesomeness? Kids these days and their entitlement…my head abuzz with indignation.
Now I could drag you through some entertaining tales about this road trip that would make you LOL and recoil in empathy for us both, but I won’t. Let’s just say she had little interest in navigating, and I had little interest in being compassionate. Overall, we rescued a pretty good trip.
Reflecting Back . . .
A credit to Carly’s innate kindness, she somehow forgave my epic tantrum stemming from my perceived rejection the first three hours. And over the next ten days we braved a historical B&B full of rose-colored wallpaper and creepy staring dolls, had a whirl through San Francisco with my two best college buddies in a convertible Mini Cooper, and hobnobbed with drag queens in the Castro district. We drove along beautiful pine mountain roads, ate lots of cheeseburgers, and splashed our feet in a gurgling stream. I even backed into a pole in a parking lot, which was awesome modeling in crisis management considering she was logging driving permit hours.
Oh and the college tours! Despite my efforts to entice her into the campus of my dreams, Carly soundly vetoed every campus visited, ultimately choosing what turned out to be the perfect local alternative. No pine woods and darling river guide co-eds for Carly. She opted for a slower academic transition closer to home with beaches and frat boys. True to our special connection, we ultimately negotiated a choice that honored her individuality while soothing my fears of academic slacking. She even saved us loads of cash along the way, while kicking tail to a bachelor’s degree earned in only four years! Unheard of in today’s impacted college campuses. She had an awesome college experience…and I learned that I should have listened to her better…and sooner.
On this riot of a road trip, I learned more from Carly than she will ever know. Not only did I recognize that she is worthy of profound trust, but also that my fears that she would no longer need me were only partly true. And that army of texters that kept her distracted from my neediness? They wanted what was best for her too. Ultimately I had to learn to trust them as well.
From the proud heartbreak of watching my little girl become her own woman, I gathered the serenity I needed to help other families negotiate the loaded landscape of adolescence. The truth is, no matter how much we want to rescue them from life’s tragedies, they must experience their own failures to find success.
As we hide our faces in fear, we must not forget to peek through and be impressed by their gritty adolescent ferocity, because that is exactly what is necessary to carve adult resilience. To preserve sanity during your occasionally terrifying parenting journey, keep your sense of humor and remember that each challenging phase passes. But the special memories live forever…especially those that involve hiphop, mountain passes, and too many cheeseburgers. Enjoy your frantic, panic-inspired road trips.
Onward to More Awesome Parenting,
Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com
Photo Credits
Golden Country by Greg Westfall, CC by 2.0
Happy by Greg Westfall, CC by 2.0
Tavi Gevinson demonstrates teen empowerment in this inspiring TED talk
