The Secrets to Happiness and the Creation of GetKidsInternetSafe

I was listening to a TED talk on happiness this morning. It got me reflecting on my life and the current state of things in it, including you guys and GetKidsInternetSafe.

I’m solidly in what is considered “midlife.” It is a strange place to be. As my mirror reflects new wrinkles, I feel as young and vibrant as I’ve ever been. My gangly teens chatter around me, constantly unveiling new sparks of independence, while I’ve struggled to cope with the storms of menopause amidst the grief from the deaths of my father and stepmom and the reality of my mother sinking into disabling dementia. It’s surreal really.

And I’m only half way through. Am I happy?

TED guest psychologists and best-selling authors offered five not-surprising by genius secrets to happiness (that I whole-heartedly agree with):

PRODUCTIVITY: People who spend time stressing, worrying, and fretting rate themselves as less happy than those who are actively distracted by the process of “doing.”
SIMPLICITY: Those who unclutter their burdens of “stuff” are able to cleanse their schedule of the “shoulds” and instead soak in the rejuvenating pleasures of chosen activities.
MINDFULNESS: Soaking in the present of the moment rather than being distracted by the past or future slows time and makes one more thoughtful and deliberate with their current activities and interactions.
GRATITUDE: Appreciating those you love, the beauty of your surroundings, and the very essence of what it means to be alive fills the heart with the awesome sauce of happiness. In my practice I call this the transformation of “stinking thinking” into “can-do thinking” and consider it the most potent protectant of self-confidence.
TIME: Despite what we expect, most of us recover from even the most flattening of crises after three months time. Time heals and tragedy passes. We must move on in the best ways we can muster carrying those we’ve loved with us. I believe that legacy building is always launched from loving inspiration.

Two years ago sucked for me. And weirdly, from that time came GetKidsInternetSafe. In the midst of grieving the death of my parents and the decline of my mom into dementia, I was also buried in an overwhelming tangle of a lawsuit and estate managing nightmares (including the bullying behavior of a misguided and drug-addicted relative) and the transformative launch of my oldest daughter to college away from home. I needed help. Looking back I almost ache thinking of the intensity of emotions and responsibilities I was juggling in the thick of it. Yet I’m so grateful for having the experience. Not that I would wish anything close to the torrent of loss and disappointment and hurt I was drowning in; but in the clarity of emotion the recovery brought me. It was humbling and illuminating, great insight into the similar struggles of many of my clients.

I suppose my biggest take-away from my tragic few years is that I can trust in my resilience as a human being. That happiness prevails, and I’ve earned enough self-understanding to know the things I have to implement in my life to stay afloat. I understand now that if I’m struggling, there is help if I ask.

I want to share how founding GetKidsInternetSafe was a successful intervention in the eye of my storm. Not because I made any money from it (because I haven’t yet earned a penny), but because the giving and learning aspects of the project gave me the focus and inspiration I needed to persevere during the times I felt flattened. Everything I learned, the people I met, and the help I was giving gave me hope and inspiration.

I recall the moment I realized I needed help. I was in the thick of it feeling truly depleted of everything I’d always relied on to keep going. I looked up from my computer and realized that, in keeping all of the balls I was juggling in the air, I had allowed my children too much time and unprotected access to their screen media. I was committing the same mistakes that parents in my practice had just before their kids got into serious Internet-involved troubles. I was lost in my own responsibilities and leaving them to fend for themselves. I realized with vivid clarity that if I didn’t craft a deliberate screen safety plan, I could lose far more than I had already, my connection with my kids.

Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it actually was. I was treating kids who had been wooed by Internet predators and others who were addicted to porn. I saw how parents had slipped and kids were relying on their friends through texting rather than their families at home. My guilt and worry added to my burden.

While I considered how to resolve it, I thought about my parents and their sources of resilience; my strengths, my weaknesses, my opportunities. And weirdly I realized that my parents had turned to alcohol when things got tough. Maybe if I could find a “healthy” drug I could get some respite from this challenging time. Now I enjoy a glass of wine here and there, but by some miraculous stroke of luck I seemed to have not inherited the addiction gene. But what I can lose myself in with true joy and happiness (which is kind of like addiction) is learning.

I live happily in a marriage with a man who can expound on the most interesting of topics, and I thrive in a teaching university environment. The creativity and intensity of clinical work has brought me enormous satisfaction and being out in nature is my soothing tonic. But nothing, and I mean nothing, brings me the kind of electric joy as the happy chaos of being a mom.

Ironically, that true joy was exactly what had taken a backseat during my overwhelm. Not only did I not have the time to spend with them, I didn’t have the energy. I needed help. I needed an infusion of something I could be passionate about. Something so cool that I could dig in and disappear from the grief with it; something that would be fun for me, helpful to bring me back to my family, and provide a service to parents and kids that I could really be proud of. From this emotional place of depletion GKIS was born.

Thank goodness I am happy to say that after two years I am out of the thick of my troubles. I’m back to rejoicing fleeting moments of profound celebration and that electric tingle of knowing I’m alive and those I love are healthy. That I have blessings that deserve grateful reflection and those five happiness secrets I detailed earlier are in delicious abundance. I no longer stress and feel guilty that I haven’t figured out how to filter inappropriate content, nor do I allow too much screen time. We are at a healthy balance. In this aspect I feel confident we are safe and our connection has deepened and broadened because of it.

Just as I am grateful for what GetKidsInternetSafe has brought me and my family and then my clients, I am grateful to you for reading this and for loving your kids in such a profound way you are seeking answers too. And for you I hope that my GKIS parenting programs will provide you the saved time and diminished worry so you can focus on those secret habits of happiness too; productivity, simplicity, mindfulness, gratitude, and time. Oh! And let’s not forget the most important source of happiness of all, your precious connection with your kids.

To start shedding worry today, check out my ultimate safety guide to simplicity with home staging, the GKIS Home Starter Course.