socialmedia

The Texting Dead: 14 Ways We Are More Borg than Human

June 26, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published by The Good Men Project

You know why I LOVE The Walking Dead television series? Because I’m a nerd. I love to forever analyze how humans interact with nonhumans and how the nonvirtual interfaces with the virtual. But the confusing thing these days is that our virtual and nonvirtual worlds are so intertwined, it’s getting harder to tell them apart. I propose that the idea of zombies that lead us to the end of times is actually screen media.

My all time favorite novels are either fantasy or sci fi. I mostly love people, but I also love technology. I’m an introverted extrovert. Love to read. Love to surf the Internet and Facebook. Love to party. Most of all, I love to discuss apocalyptic, science fiction scenarios with real live humans (“If you could bring five people and five things on an island…”).

In regard to my opinions about technology, it turns out I’m a moderate. In other words, I’m not firmly in the techno-pessimist or techno-optimist camp. I realize we have reached the point of outsourcing so much to our screens that we are cyborg, yet we still crave one-to-one real time face contact more than anything else. After three years of intensive study about screen safety, I’m essentially an independent who loves her tech while helping clients manage through the very real perils of kids participating in screen activities too much too soon.

In regard to being cyborgs, our screens provide us powerful life tools. They are literally changing the structures of our brains. Specifically, scientists are identifying increased cortical thickness in commonly used neurological pathways among screen users. “ Use it or lose it” applies to brain development. Technology is changing us in ways we aren’t aware of, and in ways we don’t understand. Not only are we interacting with the world, and each other, differently, but we are absorbing nibbles of screen content like an amoeba absorbs nutrients. Sometimes we are active viewers, other times virtual images are flashing before us embedding messaging while we remain largely unaware of its impact. Some of these images are designed to brand and make us devoted paying customers, called neuromarketing.

It’s time we face it. Unless you go to extraordinary lengths for online privacy, you no longer have any. Every valuable mouse click you make is captured, categorized, and used for profit. If you online shop for a refrigerator today, you will be retargeted with refrigerator ads tomorrow. And if you refuse to click? No worries, your Samsung television will record your conversations and use those for retargeting. Facebook knows, and uses, everybody in your smartphone’s address book and your location to locate connectability and buy ability. Information about your habits is BIG business, and every move of your mouse is being collected to identify patterns and vulnerabilities. Rich corporations utilize powerful technology resources to get into your pocket in ways you haven’t even fathomed.

I recently went to see the fantasy/sci-fi thriller, Ex Machina. I left spooked, saying I felt like this is the first time my eye could not distinguish CGI from reality. I spent the movie looking for a distortion in how the robots looked or moved, and there wasn’t one! I panicked a little bit thinking, how are we going to tell fake news from real news if even video footage can be faked? Furthermore, machine learning is already a real thing. In other words, machines can now evolve based on their learning without human interface! Robots are here. They are patrolling parking lots collecting big data, including your license plate number, speed, time of arrival and departure, and giving directions when asked. They can even scan your face for identity and your body for weapons. As soon as you are identified, data about your habits populate the screen. Even mall billboards have this capacity now, identifying you and immediately displaying ads corporations are sure you’ll like. Privacy as we’ve known it is dead, dead, dead.

If you’re still in denial that we are irreversibly computer-dependent à la Jetsons, consider these 14 ways we are already more Borg than human:

We get speeding tickets from a camera and computer rather than a uniformed police officer.
Computer voices lead us through endless mazes of flowchart selections as the only option for “customer service.”
We order groceries with a button or a wand, and we pay with our thumbprint (see Amazon Dash and AmazonFresh).
We breakup on text and bully through online ratings and social media shaming, happy to escape that messy feeling when your hurtful missile hits its victim (psychologists call this the online disinhibition effect).
Our kids schedule online gaming playdates and text each other while hanging out.
We seek validation through social media and chat rooms. Computers have become our soothing tonic. ((hug))
Yesterday, you reached for the rewind button on your radio because you got distracted. And if it was a podcast, it actually worked.
We learn about gender roles from webcomic trolls and sex from online porn.
We can no longer remember things because our smartphone is our external hippocampal harddrive.
Bank tellers greet us with, “Good afternoon, please swipe your card and enter your pin.”
We are so exhausted from fractured attention and overload due to computer data, we have little energy left over for people. But we somehow scavenge enough for more screen media like TV or Facebook. (Please someone invent a can of wine-flavored oxygenated glucose.)
My new client who begged not to have ANY notation on my computer because of fear for government interference isn’t even psychotic.
Apple Watch
Google Glass
Virtual Reality

Am I right? Screen media is our drug. We are never satiated. We are too hungry for it to go to bed on time. We are so hungry for it it’s what we check first thing in the morning. As a clinical psychologist, it allows me to reach an audience of thousands at this very moment instead of a single individual. Bottom line, it lights up the same pleasure center part of our brains that every drug of addiction does.

Our greatest fear is that technology will end our planet and our greatest hope is that it will save it.

Name five people and five things you want on your post-apocalyptic island (genies and meatball sub sandwich factories aren’t allowed). If you didn’t say your laptop, you’re lying.

“Siri, add closing and send.”

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Why Our Kids Struggle Not to Overuse Screen Media

June 1, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

PLEASE SHARE OUR GKIS VIDEO by clicking on the share buttons on the left 🙂

Did you know that the prefrontal region of the brain, the part that involves impulsivity, complex reasoning, and problem solving, doesn’t fully mature until we are 23 years old? This is why kids don’t recognize future consequence and make unwise decisions.

Did you also know that screen media may lead to excessive dopamine in the pleasure center of the brain in a similar way that all drugs of addiction do? That means some kids drift into pre-addiction behavior patterns, like “flow,” when video gaming or using social media.

Although every child’s different, boys tend to prefer gaming and girls tend to prefer social media.

Surging dopamine in the pleasure center quickly overpowers an immature frontal lobe. That means our kids need us to guide them well into what we consider “adulthood.”

Hey Mom, Your Fifteen Year-Old Boy is Acting Like an Internet Predator

January 21, 2015 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

Originally published by The Good Men Project

Earlier this week The Good Men Project published my article, “Hey Dad, Your Twelve Year-Old Daughter Has a “Nude Out,” and it’s getting some justified attention (over 20,000 views and 8,000 FB shares). As I watched the FaceBook share number rise, I realized that my title made the victim (the younger girl) the active agent instead of the predator (the older boy). Isn’t that kind of blaming the victim? Shouldn’t the boy be the agent in my title considering he is older, being coercive, and has intent to deceive in this scenario? But then again, predator is probably a harsh word for a goofy impulsive teenage boy, or is it? To make it more complicated, sometimes the girls are more willing to pose and distribute their “sexy” image than the boys are willing to receive it. Ultimately, both the boy and the girl may suffer serious moral and legal consequences. Join me in tackling this issue by considering what you want for your kids and how we might facilitate their delicate and important journey toward good judgment, compassionate morality, and sexual power.

Last week’s article detailed a spooky teen “trend” that I learned from teen clients in my private practice. This trend involves a well-traveled digital bridge between middle school girls and high school boys where high school boys deliberately plot and groom middle school girls to send sexy pictures via text. The boys then assign point values, share, and trade with their friends a la human Pokémon cards. Seriously, this topic makes me rant, and for good reason.

Admittedly, I’m somewhat conflicted in my feelings. On the one hand, I’m angry that a boy grooming a girl to expose herself on screen media at such a painfully tender age is manipulative, selfish, and potentially very damaging to both of them. And for the boy to share it without her consent is frankly criminal and makes him (and the girl) vulnerable to child pornography and revenge porn charges. But is it predatory? After all, let’s face it, teenage boys are pretty much drunk from a brain newly flooded with testosterone and their frontal lobe won’t be done developing until they’re around 23 years old. What’s more, the thousands of sexualized images of women, and to a lesser degree men, that bombard our kids on screen media everyday fuels this objectification. Even our adult culture has a long way to go to responsibly and sensibly deal with issues like intimacy and sexuality. The multi-billion dollar porn industry and lecherous sexual trolling on adult dating sites are testament to that.

I’m also angry with the girls for participating. What does it mean that so many young women willingly release images of their blossoming sexuality for praise, status, and attention? (Insert snarky comment about the queen of all sheep-wolves, Kim Kardashian, and her new bajillion-dollar-earning book of selfies here). Ugh. As parents, we want them to value all that they are, but not by posing languidly for the lecherous consumption of strangers. And unlike any time in history, it’s too easy to turn a confusingly sexy impulse into a consequence that may be in play for years to come. With this enormous technological power comes enormous risk. In such a complex digital landscape, kids need our involvement in their day to day decisions more than ever.

As a psychologist, I notice two glaring mistakes that parents make when dealing with these issues. First, they start too late. If you’re waiting until your kids are teens before you talk about gender, sexuality, and personal privacy rights, you are starting too late.

The second mistake parents make is they only challenge their daughters with discussion and leave their sons out of it. The digital bridge observation illuminates that we must teach girls AND boys to be respectful, nurturing, and responsible. Sexual education and social problem solving must happen with both genders. You’d be shocked how few boys raise their hands in my university class when we discuss who received sexual education in their homes. And the girls admit that most of their parents were only willing to awkwardly mutter quick comments about menstruation. There’s soooo much more to it than that!

In an effort to “walk the walk,” my husband and I staged a discussion about some of these issues over dinner last night. Although it admittedly deteriorated into goofy comments and sticky marshmallow spills on occasion, some awesome insights emerged.

My kids asked that I use discretion and not discuss their comments in a public article, but I loved the concept my Navy veteran husband used to help illuminate the issue of assertiveness and social responsibility. The quote comes from Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Stephanie Rogish’s book, Sheepdog Meet Our Nation’s Warriors A Children’s and Educator’s Book:

If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen: a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath—a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? Then you are a sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero’s path.

A little heavy for our thirteen year-old daughter and eleven year-old son perhaps? Initially, yes! In fact, at one point in the discussion my son looked at me and pleaded, “But I love wolves! Why can’t I be a wolf?” clearly missing the metaphorical value of Grossman’s insights. But we persevered in explaining to him what being a “good man” and a “good woman” means to us. We didn’t lecture. We listened and encouraged knowing that this discussion would happen over and over for years to come in many different forms. We taught them that “wrong” happens the moment you’ve hurt yourself or another human being, not just when you’re caught. Most of all, we reassured them that we will be there for them every step along the way, when they do things they are proud of and when they make mistakes. We reminded them that nobody can do this alone, and we are in it together.

Here are some of the points we considered that might facilitate your discussion with your family around the dinner table tonight:

People are far more than a body part. Behind every text, image, and idea is a human being with thoughts, feelings, and value. Treating yourself or others as an object instead of a person is demeaning.
Screen media is a powerful tool. Once your hit “send,” that text, image, or video can never be taken back. Consider if it would be OK to show it on the screen in a school assembly before you send it to anybody. And parents, if you need help don’t hesitate to reach out to the school administration or the police. They are well versed in these issues and have specially-trained personnel. It’s rarely a good idea to approach the other children involved or their parents for that matter.
Save private interactions for face-to-face relationships. If it’s on screen media, it’s unlikely to stay private.
Collecting “likes” is not love. Sometimes it’s even the opposite.
Represent yourself online just as you would offline. Character matters.

Although parents don’t want to admit it, romance and sex titillates people of all ages, even children. As adolescent hormones come online those pressures increase. The world gets all that much more overwhelming and confusing as teens learn to drive their new brains. A middle school girl recently told me that a boy came up to her and said, “I can’t decide if you’re a slut or a nerd.” This disclosure launched an important discussion about what those words mean and what he was trying to accomplish by demeaning her with them. From this discussion she insisted she would not cower like a sheep, and I promised to encourage boys not to be wolves. What do you want for your sons and daughters?

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Link to Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Stephanie Rogish’s book, Sheepdog Meet Our Nation’s Warriors A Children’s and Educator’s Book

Is Your Child a Bystander or a Cyberbully? A GKIS Guide to Empowerment.

October 29, 2014 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

We’ve all read about cyberbullying and know it’s a bad thing. But do you know that recent surveys report that more than half of teens have been cyberbullying victims? This week’s GKIS article is an awesome start to an important conversation – what should parents do to help their kids avoid being the victim of cyberbullying?

THE BYSTANDER EFFECT

The bystander effect refers to the phenomenon of how people are less likely to respond to a person in distress if others are present. The larger the number of bystanders, the less likely anybody will get involved. In other words, people tend to look to others for action instead of acting themselves. Another word for this psychological principle is the diffusion of responsibility,

The most common illustration of the bystander effect is the case of Catherine “Kitty” Geovese. Kitty was a young woman who was attacked and robbed in New York City in 1964. Although as many as 37 people witnessed the crime from their windows and heard Kitty screaming for help, nobody helped. One man, however, did yell, “Let that girl alone!” causing her attacker to flee and Kitty to crawl to her apartment.

Kitty’s attacker, Winston Moseley, then returned ten minutes later to kill her and steal $50. The attack took 30 minutes. A neighbor finally called the police after the final attack, resulting in an ambulance arriving 75 minutes after the first assault. This event suggests that if the neighbors weren’t aware of other onlookers, maybe somebody would have done more to help or intervened sooner.

How does this relate to cyberbullying?

For any single cyberbullying incident, there are various levels of participation. Many incidents involve an assessment of other online bystanders.

These include:

The perpetrator who posts the harmful content (with varying levels of malicious intent)
Those who encouragingly “like” or publicly comment on the post
Those who encouragingly comment via backchannel chat
Those who share or “favorite” the post
Those who repeatedly bring the content back via online sharing or in the form of gossip or face-to-face bullying. (Repeat sharing sometimes goes on for years!)
Those who view and “friend” or remain “friends” with the cyberbully online or offline
Those who copy the cyberbully’s technique
Those who view the cyberbullying incident without further action
Those who view the cyberbullying incident and comment their protest via backchannel chat
Those who view the cyberbullying incident and publicly comment their protest
Those who flag the content as inappropriate or request Web mediation
Those who request adult intervention through parents, academic staff, or law enforcement

Why do kids choose not to intervene?

So many possible responses! And it gets even more complicated from here. Not only are there many options to choose from about WHAT kind of response to make, but there are several reasons kids give WHY they make their decisions.

Robert Thornberg (2007) cites the following seven concepts associated with passive or non-intervention bystander behavior:

Trivialization: The child doesn’t consider the incident serious (often because cyberbullying is so common children are desensitized).
Dissociation: The child feels they are not involved in the situation or is not a friend of the cyberbully or the victim.
Embarrassment association: The child doesn’t want to make the victim more embarrassed or doesn’t want to get embarrassed themselves (stage fright).
Audience modeling: The child looks to bystanders for the social norm.
Busy working priority: The child considers doing other things that are a higher priority than helping.
Compliance with the competitive norm: The child considers social media etiquette or politeness more important than helping behavior.
Responsibility transfer: The child ascribes more responsibility to other bystanders than themselves (e.g., online peers who are more involved with the bully or victim or online viewers with more authority).

What should a parent do?

Children need engaged parents to help them sort through these options to choose what’s right. That doesn’t mean parents should lecture about what’s right and what’s wrong, punish them, or take over. Kids need parents to help them work through complex problems to find the best solution. If the first choice doesn’t make a difference, try the second, the third, and so on. The important thing is to help each other through it.

What should parents encourage kids to do in a cyberbully situation?

Assess their influence potential on the cyberbully. If they are allies at school, it may be worth it to reach out and ask the friend to remove the post or lay off the negativity.
Assess their influence potential on the victim. Reaching out to help somebody who is hurting is a powerful maneuver. Even if the victim is not a friend, it helps to hear that you’re not alone.
Reach out for expert support. Simply flagging the content online may be enough. Reaching out to offline authorities is also an option. Educate your child about the opportunity for anonymous reports and making a real difference.
Never bully the bully or escalate the situation. Sometimes that’s just what the bully is looking for and then your child may become the victim.
Do SOMETHING. Being observant, knowledgeable, and willing to think through your options is powerful.

And most importantly of all…parents please remember, what works in your adult world does not always work in your children’s worlds. Ultimately, they are the experts on what may make a positive difference, you are simply the facilitator.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited:

Thornberg, Robert. “A Classmate in Distress: Schoolchildren as Bystanders and Their Reasons for How They Act.” Social Psychology of Education 10.1 (2007): 5-28. Web.

Photo Credits:

Tween Cell Phone Texting, Carissa Rogers. CC by 2.0Tiles by José Sáez, CC by 2.0
Working Word, CC by 2.0
J.K. Califf, CC by 2.0
Smartphone Teen by Pabak Sakar, CC by 2.0