sex ed

Pornography Blocking Sites and a Firsthand Account of Pornography Addiction

December 4, 2023 by Samantha Sanchez

It’s no secret that porn has taken over the virtual world. But many aren’t aware that their tweens and teens are at risk for porn addiction. Today we’re looking at a candid first-hand account of someone whose porn addiction started at the age of 12. We’re also taking a glimpse at porn-blocking sites and our tips for recovery. If you’d like to find out what it takes to protect your kid from the dangers of the net and learn info on parental controls and monitoring, check out our GKIS Screen Safety Toolkit.

The Dangers of Porn

As mentioned in our article Online Pornography’s Impact on Kids and Teens, pornography consumption has grown. With adult sites like Pornhub growing more popular, our youth are at risk of developing a porn addiction more than ever.

According to Dr. Bennett, the demographic most at risk for porn addiction is adolescents with troubled familial relations.[1] For years, the common stereotype was that mainly boys were at risk for porn addiction. But times have changed. Girls are just as present on the internet, meaning all our youth are at risk for developing a porn addiction.

In the Online Pornography’s Impact on Kids and Teens article, Dr. B goes over the effects of regular pornography consumption, which could include the following:

Earlier sexual intercourse
Normalization of violence against women
Sexual aggression
Desensitization and habituation (this means the user may get used to less extreme content and will have to view more extreme content to get the same feeling of satisfaction.)
Hypersexual Disorder, is a disorder that causes one to engage in or think about sex to the point that it affects their life.[2]

For a deeper dive into porn addiction and how it can affect your child, check out Dr. B’s book, Screen Time in the Meantime: A Parenting Guide to Getting Kids Internet Safe.

A Firsthand Account of Pornography Addiction

Chase is a former pornography addict. He opened up and gave us insight into what it’s like being addicted and how it affected his mental health.

“When I was addicted to pornography, I think I was about 12 or 13 years old. It lasted until I turned 23 and it was a daily occurrence. I was consuming porn in different forms around 3 to 4 times a day,” he said.

Chase claimed that he got used to consuming porn quickly and talked about how it became a demanding habit. “It felt very infectious to my lifestyle. I’d pick up the phone and have to indulge in porn. Done doing a specific activity? Browsing [porn] again. It felt like if I didn’t get as much satisfaction from a ‘session,’ the next session had to fit a specific theme or fetish.”

Chase discussed how his porn addiction started creeping into other places in his life, saying “It got so bad to the point where it infected other things that aren’t even related to it in the first place. Looking up specific people, fetishes, and at its worst, trying to find easier avenues or different ways to access content. It was bad.”

He got even more candid with us, explaining how the addiction became mentally and physically invasive. “I think it affected my mental state very much. I don’t have too much experience in mental challenges when it comes to myself anyway, but it impacted my ability to follow daily habits and schedules, and at its worst, caused me to cancel plans.”

When asked about his advice for addiction prevention advice for those suffering from porn addiction, he replied “It’d be to not create any accounts for anything porn related. Limit yourself slowly over time, and don’t let yourself lose sight of what the future version you have of yourself would do, and slowly become that. You aren’t alone and reach out for help if you need it.”

Shame and How It Prevents Recovery

Because of the taboo nature of pornography, many people battling porn addictions experience feelings of shame and guilt. It’s why most people keep their addiction hidden for so long before seeking help. Some experience shame so much that they never seek help.

We see shame as a huge problem. In a study titled “Hidden in shame: Heterosexual men’s experiences of self-perceived problematic pornography use,”15 men were interviewed about their experience with porn. Nearly all of them stated that they grew up never talking or learning about sex education with their parents. They also stated that viewing pornography is taboo and it was difficult for them to seek help due to fear of rejection.[3]

One participant even sought help through a doctor when they were experiencing a reduced libido that stemmed from porn addiction. The doctor not only had nothing to offer him, but he immediately referred him to a male fertility specialist for testosterone treatments that cost him hundreds of dollars.[4]

Porn Site Blockers

Of course, it’s best to not even visit porn sites in the first place. But if you worry you have a problem, here are some porn-blocking tools that may help.

Disclaimer: GKIS is not sponsored or partnered with any of the porn-blocking sites listed.

Canopy

Canopy is an app that blocks porn sites, blocks apps, schedules screen time and downtime, and sexting prevention through image and text detection.[5] Parents or spouses set up their host account on their device followed by the kid/main user account on the kid/user’s device. The parent or spouse oversees the control settings and monitors the other device.

FamiSafe

FamiSafe is another app that blocks porn websites on any device. Like Canopy, parents have access to controls and internet usage. Parents can track social media usage, set screen time limits, track location, monitor keywords searched or sent via text, and more. Parents are notified when their kids are texting about inappropriate topics or when they’re at a location they shouldn’t be.[6]

CovenantEyes and the Victory App

CovenantEyes is a porn detector and blocker. It’s paired with its companion tool, the Victory app, to scan for suspicious activity, send reminders and check-ins, and issue mini-courses to see your progress.[7] CovenantEyes also offers Christian resources for followers struggling with porn addiction.

GKIS Tips for the Road to Recovery

Porn-blocking sites are useful but not foolproof. So, GKIS has tips for parents of children suffering from porn addiction.

It is healthy and appropriate for children to be curious about the human body and sexuality. For tips about how to offer shame-free sex education, check out our 4-article series starting with 6 Parenting Tips for Making Sex Ed Easier!
In addition to using home-setup strategies detailed in our Connected Family Course and parental monitoring tools listed in our Screen Safety Toolkit, consistently spot-check your child’s screen device. Talking to your child about spot-checking may steer them away from adult content since they know their device may be checked anytime.
Let them know this is the family policy before you buy them screen devices. That way they won’t feel lied to, betrayed, or spied upon if you do find questionable content. And if you do find something, allow that to be a teaching opportunity rather than a punishing opportunity. Your best safety tool is a healthy, collaborative parent-child relationship.
Limiting time on specific apps may be a useful tool for recovery. Apps like Instagram, Twitter, and Reddit are some of the most popular apps for adult film stars to promote their content. (Most smartphones report the time used on each app in ‘Settings.’)
A reward system for good progress may be of good use for porn addiction recovery. Although it may seem like an old-fashioned method, rewarding good behavior has been researched and proven to be effective. Whether it’s a new book, dinner at their favorite restaurant, or a trip to the movies, rewards (with verbal affirmations) can give your child the motivation to stay on the path to recovery.
If you are considering allowing social media apps for your tween or teen, our Social Media Readiness Course offers information about the risks of digital injury and helpful psychological wellness tools as well!

Battling pornography addiction is hard for anyone, let alone our youth. Whether you have a teen or tween battling addiction or simply want to help them surf the internet safely, GKIS has multiple resources to help you get there. Whether you’re utilizing our Screen Safety Toolkit or simply giving our sex ed articles a read, GKIS is here to make it a smoother journey for you.

A special thanks to Chase for sharing his story.

Thanks to CSUCI intern Samantha Sanchez for preparing this article and researching porn addiction.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Onward to More Awesome Parenting

Dr. Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.

Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty

GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

[1] Online Pornography’s Impact on Kids and Teens (https://getkidsinternetsafe.com/porn/)

[2] Screentime in the Meantime: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe (https://getkidsinternetsafe.com/parenting-guide/)

[3] Sniewski, L., & Farvid, P. (2020). Hidden in shame: Heterosexual men’s experiences of self-perceived problematic pornography use. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 21(2), 201–212. https://doi-org.ezproxy.csuci.edu/10.1037/men0000232

[4] Ibid.

[5] Canopy (https://canopy.us/2023/02/16/best-porn-blocker/)

[6] FamiSafe (https://canopy.us/2023/02/16/best-porn-blocker/)

[7] CovenantEyes (https://www.covenanteyes.com/how-it-works/)

Photo Credits

Charlesdeluvio via Unsplash (https://unsplash.com/photos/hand-mannequin-holding-green-cactus-plant-RoB4hHjW_fc)

Franco Alva via Unsplash (https://unsplash.com/photos/man-in-black-t-shirt-using-black-laptop-computer-aqFzxyC3rf8)

Annie Spratt via Unsplash (https://unsplash.com/photos/man-in-black-t-shirt-lying-on-couch-rmKkZqnVtk4)

The Future of Gender: Gender Fluidity

April 18, 2019 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

As a clinical psychologist who works with kids and teens, I’ve seen the landscape of their lives change in a rainbow of ways. These changes provide opportunities for growth and connection with self and others but can also lead them into unhealthy relationships in online and offline communities. For parents to educate and connect (rather than disconnect) with their kids over these issues, we need to know the basics. Today’s GKIS articles allows us to take a look into what sociologists predict to be a “genderless future,” where we will no longer be defining ourselves as “female” or “male.”[9] Newly created identifiers and the generic “they” will replace pronouns “she” and “he.”[9] And major businesses like Amazon, Target, Walmart, and Disney will remove gender from the labels of their products.[12]

Gender Fluidity

Welcome to 2019, where millennials and generation Zers have created “Gender Fluidity.”[3] Being “gender fluid” means that the individual exists on a spectrum between male and female and may shift gender several times a day or throughout their lives with different intensities.[8] A millennial poll of 1,000 people revealed that half believe that gender exists on a fluid spectrum or “outside conventional categories.”[14]

Celebrities like Will Smith’s son Jaden Smith, rapper Young Thug, actress Ruby Rose, and superstar Miley Cyrus have identified themselves as gender fluid.[10] Young Thug and Jaden Smith are known for pushing the boundaries of fashion with crop tops and skirts.[10] Ruby Rose varies in masculinity in photoshoots and TV shows like “Orange Is The New Black.”[10] Miley Cyrus has explained her gender fluidity during interviews, “It’s weird that I’m a girl, because I just don’t feel like a girl, and I don’t feel like a boy.”[4]

The Break Down

Gender and sexuality concepts are difficult to understand. They seem muddled in some way or another. Here’s some clarification:

Gender is biological sex and its cultural associations: male, female, transgender.[1]
Gender Identity is what someone perceives their gender to be: biologically a female but identifies as male.[1]
Gender Expression is how someone shows their gender whether it be through clothing choices, hair style, makeup, and the like.[1]
Sexual Orientation explains what gender someone is attracted to and would like to have sexual relations with (differs from gender identity).[1]
Romantic Orientation explains what gender someone would like to be emotionally and romantically involved with (differs from sexual orientation sometimes).[11]

Gender Stereotypes

With the traditional labels of gender came their stereotypes, with females being sexual objects and males being macho knuckleheads.[5] These stereotypes link to online gender specific characteristics. Women tend to fulfill their sexual stereotype by posting provocative photos. In captions and comments their words are more positive, supportive, emotional, and personal.[5] Men express their masculinity online by posting content related to violence, sex, and alcohol. Their online engagement is more aggressive, negative, and authoritative.[5]

Gender Expression Online

Modern society advocates for the freedom to be yourself no matter what gender you are or what the color of your skin is. Millennials and generation Zers have countered stigmatic barriers (such as stereotypes) that prevent the LGBTQIA (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or question, intersex, or allied) community from thriving.[13]

The internet has granted many a voice to speak their truths as well as a receptive audience who’ll listen. That power is a great confidence booster for those who feel powerless against parent authority and social judgement.

It also makes the gender journey feel less lonely for kids and teens. Social media provides a private place to relate with others, vent about being misunderstood, and express themselves unapologetically. On their own terms, they can gradually reveal discovered parts of themselves.

For example, some may feel comfortable cross dressing online but not walking out the door that way.[7] This is because coming out to strangers online is more manageable than coming out at school or home.[6] According to the LGBT Helpline, more people feel hopeful and positive about coming out online, because they know they’ll get plenty of positive support.[6]

Being Anonymous

Another great benefit of online gender expression is the freedom that anonymity provides. Kids and teens are allowed to explore their identity on their own terms. The ability to stay anonymous gives them control over who they come out to. You can choose to use an actual picture of yourself or an avatar, virtually anything to be your default picture. Usernames have the same range in reality or fantasy. Social media allows you to pick and choose who has access to your content. A powerful tool is the ability to block specific users from having access entirely. These tools allow teens to choose whether they want to interact with specific people in their inner circle or complete strangers. It also reduces the chances of cyber bullying.

The combination of anonymity and a knowledgeable online community creates an accepting venue. There’s less chance for criticism invalidating a teen’s gender identity.[7] When coming out online to strangers, a user’s gender and sexual orientation isn’t judged by their past.[7] Peers tend to think they know where someone is on the spectrum. This is because they refer to stereotypes. They judge this based on someone’s dating and sexual history. What they know about the person’s interests and hobbies, again, gender is fluid. It’s a personal journey that one can only define for themselves.

Online Safety

As explained before on GetKidsInternetSafe, “gender-awareness is one aspect, but sexual awareness is another.”[2] Unfiltered chat rooms for things like webcomics, fandoms, and role-playing games expose children to age inappropriate themes of sex and violence.[2] Predators have the opportunity to manipulate naive and vulnerable kids and teens with explicit content or groom them for exploitive relationships.[2]

If you worry that your kids aren’t quite ready to delve deep into online communities that may put them at risk, you’ll want to check out our GKIS Screen Safety Toolkit. With our family-tested, outcome-based recommendations, you can build your customized digital toolbox for each device your child uses. That translates to filtering and blocking age-inappropriate content and offer parental management tools like location tracking and monitoring. Why wouldn’t you use the free and/or subscription parental controls available to you to help? You don’t even have to waste time and energy figuring out which will fit for you. We did the research for you!

In addition to GKIS products like our free Connected Family Agreement, Screen Safety Toolkit, and Connected Family Online Course, websites like 7 cups can detour dangerous influence. 7 cups offers free 24/7 support chat rooms by volunteers trained to deal with adolescent issues like “depression, anxiety, relationships, LGBTQ+ and more.”[15] Teens can anonymously join monitored chat rooms to relate with others in the community.[15] The website is a great stepping stone for teens who feel like their parents don’t understand. If all of this is overwhelming already, book a coaching session with Dr. B so she can guide you through it. It really is as easy as that.

What else can you do?

Reflect on your ideas and beliefs about gender. It’s important to understand how you truly feel about these issues. Identify what makes you feel or think this way. Is it healthy and supportive for a child emotionally, mentally, and physically struggling to find themselves?[2]
Educate Start the dialogue about sexual education as early as you can. Answer the questions that are commonly answered with, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” Be the person they turn to when they have questions. Keep an open dialogue. This helps deter any negative influence age inappropriate content may provide.[2]

Still wondering how to start “the talk”? Lucky for you, Dr. Bennett makes the awkward conversation easier with these tips:

Thank you to our GKIS intern Hanna Dangiapo for untangling the ever-evolving definition of gender. Have you had experiences with gender fluidity in your house or community? Let us know what you think about it in the comments below.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

[1]“Gender Identity & Expression.” Smart Sex Resource, 2016.

[2]Bennet, Tracy. “A Genderqueer Polyromantic Bisexual Teen Formerly Known as Miley Cyrus Walked Into My Office.” GetKidsInternetSafe, 5 February 2015.

[3]Cieslik, Anna. “The future is fluid: Generation Z’s approach to gender and sexuality is indeed revolutionary.” The Daily Dot, 18 October 2017.

[4]Damshena, Sam. “Miley Cyrus opens up about identifying as ‘gender neutral’”. Gaytimes, 10 December 2018.

[5]Herring, Susan & Kapidzic, Sanja. “Teens, Gender, and Self-Presentation in Social Media.” Indiana University, 2015.

[6]Magliocco, Sarah. “Social media has a positive impact on LGBT people hoping to come out.” SheMazing, 2017.

[7]Maidment, Adam. “How Social Media Is Aiding In The Expression Of Gender Identity.” Elite Daily, 5 August 2015.

[8]Marsh, Sarah. “The gender-fluid generation: young people on being male, female or non-binary.” The Guardian, 23 March 2016.

[9]Raskoff, Sally. “The Future of Gender?”. Everyday Sociology Blog, 4 June 2018.

[10]Ritchie, Tabitha. “Music and Gender Fluidity: The Millenials.” Music: Beyond the Binary, 2019.

[11]SexEdPlusDan. “What The Love Is A Romantic Orientation?” Medium, 12 November 2018.

[12]Tabuchi, Hiroko. “Sweeping Away Gender-Specific Toys and Labels.” The New York Times, 27 October 2015.

[13]Tressoldi, Nicole. “Teens and Gender on Social Media Sites: Evaluating Online Behavior.” Decoded = Science, 6 May 2014.

[14]Wong, Curtis M. “50 Percent Of Millennials Believe Gender Is A Spectrum, Fusion’s Massive Millennial Poll Finds.” Huffpost, 5 February 2015.

[15]7 Cups: Online Therapy & Free Counseling, Someone to Talk to

Photo Credits

Photo byTim Mossholder on Unsplash

Photo byNeONBRAND on Unsplash

Photo byJason Leung on Unsplash

Photo byFilip Mroz on Unsplash

Is Your Tween Hooking Up?

April 28, 2017 by Dr. Tracy Bennett

couple hooking up

The first time I experienced the hookup culture was my first week of college. I was living in the dorms and everybody felt liberated, taking advantage of having no parents around, partying, drinking, smoking, and having sex. I remember watching freshman in their evening outfits make their walks of shame back to the dorms early in the morning. A friend told me how she woke up in an apartment she didn’t recognize. She was scared and left the apartment frantically. I felt sorry for her. I was shocked and confused about how my friends were treating sex so casually.

Hookup Culture

Hooking up is a term used by college students that has a wide variety of meanings. Some people use it to mean kissing, whereas others say it means sex. It turns out that college students themselves don’t really know what it means exactly (Currier, 2013). A survey by McHugh and colleagues (2012) found that 48% of male and 33% of female college students reported that hooking up means having sex.

Sociologist Lisa Wade wrote a book called American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus. Wade spent five years investigating hookup culture in universities. She explains that a hookup is “a meaningless, spontaneous act of either kissing or having sex with someone to win the approval of friends, bragging rights, and/or improve a college student’s status quo” (Vedantam, 2017).

Hooking up seems to be taking over traditional dating. In a recent survey, 58% of students surveyed from 19 universities reported that they had hooked up with someone by their senior year of college (Monto et al., 2014). Hooking up is particular popular at universities, because students are exploring their identities and having fun outside of their parents’ rules with no rush to get married; no shame, no consequences. Hookup culture fits like a puzzle piece for the college lifestyle. It may sound harmless, but I believe that hooking up can be detrimental.

Your Tween’s Love Life

Dr. Bennett’s article “Hey Dad, Your Twelve Year Old Daughter Has a Nude Out” revealed that the hookup culture often starts as early as middle school. She found that high school boys were grooming middle school girls on social media instant messaging and text to send the nude images of themselves. These nude images were then shared and posted without consent among unknown others locally and on the web. For the local teens, they were valued, collected, traded, and redistributed multiple times over years like Pokemon cards.

Although many young people argue that hooking up is a fun and a harmless way to learn about intimacy and relationships, there are downsides to casual sex. For instance, some teens find causal sex distressing and may feel embarrassed or weak for wanting a more meaningful connection with their partner (Vedantam, 2017).

It has been argued that men generally have an easier time with hooking up than women (McHugh, 2012). As a result, girls will work hard to “fit in” and please the cultural ideal of emotionless hookups, even though they secretly feel ashamed, unfulfilled, conflicted, and embarrassed. After all, sex is often an exercise in bonding and attachment, triggering the release of the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which is responsible for feelings of love, attachment, and even symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Trying to not bond while having sex with somebody can be very difficult for some people. Whether to hookup or not is a very personal and meaningful decision for college students. But for our tweens and teens, it can be physically and emotionally dangerous.

How can parents help?

Be a good listener and teach your teen your family’s values and beliefs about sex. Start early.

Bring up the topic often. Provide accurate sex education. Listen to your child. Get an idea about what they think. Don’t assume they have absorbed family values from thin air. Family values and sex education is best provided by the people whom love them the most, their parents.

Teach how intimacy differs from sex.

Unfortunately, many kids learn about sex from viewing Internet porn. Don’t let this artificial portrayal of sex go uncorrected. Having sex in order to carve a reputation or live up to demeaning portrayal of a meaningless physical act can be emotionally destructive, especially to a teenager. Teach your child that sex is a profoundly intimate act between mature, caring partners. That means it is best to wait and experience it with somebody you love and trust when you are mature enough to handle the complexities in the relationships that will follow. Intimacy requires a lot of maturity and communication.

Explain how social media differs from reality.

Social media is everywhere whether you like it or not. We love it, because it helps us connect with others during our overtasked lives. Connecting with peers is critical for healthy adolescent development. Explain how social media glamorizes and misrepresents a person’s actual life. Collaborate on how to avoid typical pitfalls. GKIS articles help with that!

Build your teen up by letting them know they are far more than a sexy image.

Self-esteem starts with how we treat ourselves. Keep a lookout for self-deprecating comments in your household (like “I’m so fat”). Kids learn these bad habits, which can be psychologically detrimental over the long term. Be generous with authentic compliments and encouragement. Remind them that every relationship has impact on one’s quality of life. That means taking the time to choose peers who treat us well and help us strive to be the best we can be. Include your teen’s friends in family activities so they feel supported in their friendships and so you maintain influence.

Thank you to CSUCI Intern, Mahika Morin for her work on this article. Lastly, check out, “The GKIS Parent Beginners Guide to Texting and Instant Messaging (IM),” “The GKIS Sensible Parent’s Guide to Snapchat,” and “The GKIS Sensible Parent’s Guide to Instagram,” to help you through social media and digital communications. Be ahead of the game and stay up to date on screen media for the benefit of you and your child.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Onward to More Awesome Parenting,
Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Works Cited

Currier, D. M. (2013). Strategic ambiguity: Protecting emphasized femininity and hegemonic masculinity in the hookup culture. Gender & Society, 27(5), 704-727. doi:10.1177/0891243213493960

McHugh, M. C., Pearlson, B., & Poet, A. (2012). Who needs to understand hook up culture?: Understanding hookup culture: What’s really happening on college campuses. Sex Roles, 67(5-6), 363-365. doi:10.1007/s11199-012- 0172-0

Monto, M. A., & Carey, A. G. (2014). A new standard of sexual behavior? Are claims associated with the ‘hookup culture’ supported by general social survey data?. Journal Of Sex Research, 51(6), 605-615. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.906031

Vedantam, Shankar. (Host). (2017, February 14). Hookup Culture: The Unspoken Rules Of Sex On College Campuses [Radio broadcast episode]. http://www.npr.org/2017/02/14/514578429/hookup-culture-the- unspoken-rules-of-sex-on-college-campuses.

Photo Credits

Young Couple Undressing Each Other by PhotoMediaGroup, BY Shutterstock, Inc.