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5 Sex Ed Topics Parents Should Be Sure to Cover

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stage for discussing sex ed topics

Part 4 of a 4-Part Series:  “Sex Ed Tips For Awesome Parenting in the Digital Age”

Surveys demonstrate that kids are viewing Internet sites without parent supervision at younger and younger ages. Prepare your children to manage unexpected situations with confidence and competence. Start with responsible sex education.

5 Sex Ed Topics You Should Be Sure to Cover (plus a bonus that is guaranteed to make uncomfortable).

Tell your kids exactly how their bodies will change as they mature.
Eek! I know this is difficult, but that means covering topics like erections, wet dreams, puberty, and menstruation. Ask your friends if they were prepared for puberty and you’ll see why it’s important to prepare your kids for what is going to happen with their bodies BEFORE their first pubic hair, which means before nine years old for some kids. Change freaks us all out. By telling your kids exactly what to expect you’ll save them from being confused and afraid. And even better than that, you’ll demonstrate that you can be trusted to talk about personal and embarrassing stuff. This optimizes the chance that they’ll come to you when they need your help. Tip: if you bring it up in little bits casually, but with discretion, it won’t be as uncomfortable.

Discuss what sexual desire is and how to best manage it.
By letting your kids know that sexual feelings are normal, you reduce the chance that they’ll feel shame or impulsively act out. Even young children are titillated by romance and sex. Tip: if you discuss it openly then you can more fairly hold them accountable for their choices and behavior.

Teach them how babies are made and about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control.
Center for Disease Control statistics reveal that 47% of high schoolers have had sexual intercourse. And I suspect their parents were the last to know. No matter what you think about premarital sex, your kids must have information in order to make informed and assertive choices. That means you must provide education about what sex is, how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, and what you think about teens having sex. Saying “just don’t” is not enough. If you’ve trained your children to be blindly obedient to you, they may be blindly obedient to an exploitive peer or an Internet predator. Tip: teaching sex ed is also teaching family values.

Inform them that other kids and adults may try to take advantage of them sexually, and teach them how to assert themselves as soon as they feel the “ick factor.”
It’s not acceptable to scare your kids with stranger danger stories. However, it is critical that you teach them caution. Surveys estimate that up to 30% of 16 years old have received a sexting request. Based on my mothering and clinical experience, I believe these numbers are actually higher. Screen media has opened an informational portal to your children that is barely regulated. Even with the best filtering and monitoring strategies in place, your kids will eventually be approached by someone looking to take advantage of them. Tip: rather than discover that your child has participated in a sexual online activity AND THEN reacting, be preventative by teaching assertiveness skills. That means boys and girls must be taught to attend to their feelings and respond with confidence.

Teach how intimacy differs from sex.
If you’ve been lucky enough to experience loving intimacy, then you know how important it is that your children wait to have sex until they’re mature enough for true intimacy. If you don’t cover this topic, you run the risk that they’ll covertly watch online pornography and conclude “ah-ha. That’s sex!” Tip: loving oneself and knowing how to build friendship must come before sexual experimentation with another person. Which brings me to the bonus!

Bonus: Talk about masturbation as a healthy but private activity.
I know this is controversial, but hang in and consider my reasoning here before you decide what you will do with your kids. By the principles of behavioral conditioning, children will become attached to whatever or whomever brings them pleasure. I once had a client tell me he had his first climax climbing a tree when he was eight years old. He said he was convinced that it was the tree that caused the magic for months before he figured out the real deal. Doesn’t it make sense that your kids should learn that they can achieve sexual pleasure on their own without anybody else’s help? It is really tragic when teens seek a relationship thinking a partner is a required component for pleasure. And we all know what happens to our judgment once we are having sex with somebody. If your teens know their bodies and feel self-empowered, then when they’re ready experiment with interpersonal intimacy, they can focus on  mutual affection and friendship rather than sexual pleasure. Personal empowerment will help keep them safe and avoid unhealthy dependence on another. I know it’s tough to think about your kids as sexual, but face it, they are and need information and guidance from informed parents they trust.

We reach the end our our 4-part series! I know this is a difficult topic. Good for you for hanging in there! If you disagree with some of the tips, certainly do what you think is best for your family. I hope it sparked a thoughtful exploration of how you feel about sexual education and gave you some specific tips along the way. As always, it is best for children to go to parents for guidance, but sometimes they need an invitation.

And if this was valuable information, please share www.GetKidsInternetSafe.com with other parents and comment away on our Facebook page to become part of our supportive community.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

If you can’t relate yet, you will!

Another great resource for sexual education for parents is http://www.siecus.org

6 Parenting Tips for Making Sex Ed Easier!

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Part 3 of a 4-Part Series:  “Sex Ed Tips For Awesome Parenting in the Digital Age”

We all need support to be awesome parents. Teaching sex ed can be a challenge, particularly when your kids are all different ages.

 

6 Parenting Tips for Making Sex Ed Easier!

 

  1. BE AT PEACE WITH THE FACT THAT IT IS HEALTHY FOR EVEN YOUNG CHILDREN TO BE CURIOUS ABOUT SEXUALITY.
    As early as toddlerhood, it is normal for children to masturbate, be curious about the bodies of others (want to “play doctor”), and ask about where babies come from. I’ve worked in preschools, and believe me there’s a lot of jiggling at naptime. Calm, simple instruction without shaming is the best way to parent.

     

  2. IT IS NORMAL FOR SOME KIDS TO BE MODEST ABOUT NUDITY AND OTHERS TO LET IT ALL HANG OUT.
    Simply teach them about privacy and discretion.

     

  3. BE PREPARED TO LISTEN AS WELL AS TEACH.
    That means avoid interrupting, lecturing, shaming, and criticizing.

     

  4. IF YOU’RE NERVOUS, ADMIT IT AND HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR WITHOUT BEING SILLY OR SHAMING.
    Be particularly careful not to tease or even snicker at your children’s participation in the discussion. Any question is a good one, even if they use a word you may find shocking. Be prepared to discuss your opinion about specific terminology.

     

  5. ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO HAVE AN OPINION AND TEACH THEM DECISION-MAKING, PEER NEGOTIATION, AND REFUSAL SKILLS.
    Role-play challenging situations that may come up and engage in fun debate.

     

  6. DON’T BE AFRAID TO SAY, “I DON’T KNOW, BUT I’LL FIND OUR FOR YOU”.
    Don’t be surprised if your children know more than you expected. As a clinical psychologist who works with children and teenagers, I have often found kids are more “in-the-know” than their parents would have guessed.

     

As you can see, there’s plenty to teach beyond the mechanics of sexuality. Perhaps even more important is teaching the communication, problem-solving skills, and assertiveness skills to your child so they are equipped to confidently manage unexpected situations.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

birdsandbeesmeme

7 GetKidsInternetSafe Tips for Summer

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Summer has arrived and parents everywhere are alight with anticipation and dread. It’s your job to be a good-enough parent, not a perfect one. Here are 7 GetKidsInternetSafe guidelines to help.

We are a week into summer at our house, and it has started already; that nagging guilt I feel to keep my kids happy while juggling my job, marriage, friendships, and sanity. The dreaded “bored” word hangs over my head like a dead tree limb ready to snap. Help!

There are always the über moms who had it together two months ago and scheduled Cantonese class, violin lessons, and sailing camp. Having a twenty year-old and being in session with the übers, I am over the fantasy that I am that mom. And frankly, I’m happy to say so, because that impossible expectation leads these beautiful, ambitious souls to have two gigantic glasses of wine every night and chases their husbands into the garage, as her resentment poisons the room. The sadly ironic fact is that a mother’s love for her children inspires her intensity. One or two activities at a time, please. Unscheduled time is valuable for healthy development.

And please know, writing these pieces makes me gag a little. Because I am the first to say I’m a good-enough mom, but far from perfect. I do and say things often that I have to apologize for and wish I could take back. But there are other times when I grin at myself because my babies are giddy little souls who wrestle puppies, build sky castles of hot lava on their computers, and climb trees.

My GetKidsInternetSafe guidelines should be read as they are intended; to give you permission to be happy outside of your parenting role while being proud and delighted with what you do pull off. And know that these are guidelines. Adopt what you want, how you want. Nothing is more valuable than your organic parenting instinct.

Practice mindfulness.

Stop, attend to the present, breathe from your diaphragm with a 6-second exhale, and fill your heart with the love of your children. This will help you set your priorities and keep you from becoming a screeching, bossy lunatic.

DJ.

Nothing gets the house rockin’ like some Elton John and a parent who sings badly. A little Earth, Wind, and Fire also inspires the spirit to soar through clumsy interpretive dance. As my dad used to say while we happily hustled around his knees, “It isn’t dancin’ unless your shoulders are movin!”

12:00-3:00 no screen time.

Be warned, the first couple days they will sit on the couch moaning in agony and run through every manipulative strategy they have in their brilliant cognitive toolboxes. Don’t cave! Eventually they will climb trees, read books, and wrestle until lamps break, as kids should. <note Brady Bunch reference>

One educational lesson a day.

It doesn’t have to be a kill and drill workbook though. Maybe 10 minutes on an educational or exploratory app like Google Earth or a TED talk. My kids like TED talks, and they give us something to discuss other than “kid stuff” that makes my eyes glaze over.

Kids need sun and run.

Schedule a nature event at least once a week, if not every day. Maybe you can’t pull off the beach or the mountains, but you certainly can take a walk around the block or visit a park to have a picnic.

When they beg not to go with, make them anyway.

We went to a concert in the park last night with our kids sulking in tow, and heck if they didn’t have a wildly fabulous time sitting on the blanket, playing tag, and eating chicken tostada salads and popcorn. Glow sticks, not to mention the horror of your parents dancing with a clumsy herd of friends in front of EVERYBODY, were a bonus. By the end they were spinning and hopping with us as well. My heart burst a bunch of times and my soul paid rapt attention and soaked it in. These moments are precious, but they sometimes have to be staged.

Treat the word “bored” as a cuss word.

It’s not allowed in our house and will immediately result in a consequence. Because first of all, that’s not MY problem. And secondly, the stinkin’ thinkin’ will make them miserable. So nip it in the bud.

Make sure you’ve subscribed to www.GetKidsInternetSafe.com for your free copy of “The Top 10 Mistakes Parents Make With Internet Safety (and How to Recover!). And please share your summer ideas with the GetKidsInternetSafe village. Cheers to making sunbaked, juicy life memories with your babies. (That tree pic is my son in the tree before school. I took it from my bedroom window). 🙂

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Love this one:

And let this be your inspiration (it totally cracks me up):

5 Opportunities You Shouldn’t Miss When Teaching Sex Ed to Your Kids!

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Family Having Barbecue
Family Having Barbecue

  Part 2 of a 4-Part Series:  “Sex Ed Tips For Awesome Parenting in the Digital Age”

Sex education doesn’t have to be a weird, uncomfortable lecture. When it is appropriate to the conversation, engage your kids in dialogue. Simple as that.

 

5 Opportunities You Shouldn’t Miss When Teaching Sex Ed to Your Kids!

 

  1. BE PREPARED TO HAVE MANY SMALL CONVERSATIONS OVER TIME RATHER THAN ONE BIG ONE.
    Keep it simple to start then gradually add more details as your children age and as their questions become more complex. Don’t sprint to the finish in one sitting just because you’re nervous. Your first conversation may last 20 seconds, then overtime they’ll be longer and more complex. Set up the forms today, pour the concrete later, then you still have the finish work. Educating your children is a process over many years to come. Don’t rush it. 


     

  2. TEACH ACCURATE BODY-PART VOCABULARY WHILE CHILDREN ARE LEARNING LANGUAGE.
    Also teach them discretion about when it’s appropriate to talk about those body parts and when it isn’t! Preschool is not the time to talk about vaginas and penises…


     

  3. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES (MOVIES, ARTICLES, STORYTELLING) TO BRING UP SEX ED TOPICS.
    An easy way to initiate the conversation is by saying, “What did you think of that?”

     

  4. IF YOU’RE UNCOMFORTABLE STARTING THE CONVERSATION WITH YOUR CHILDREN DIRECTLY, LET THEM “OVERHEAR” A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR MATE AT DINNERTIME THEN ASK IF THEY HAVE QUESTIONS.
    For example, “when I was 10 years old I had no idea how babies were made! Can you believe my first real education was…?”. 

     

  5. WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER DOES START HER PERIOD, TAKE HER FOR A SPECIAL MOTHER-DAUGHTER GODDESS OUTING TO MODEL OPEN DIALOGUE AND THE CELEBRATION OF FEMININITY.
    Avoid scaring her by acting like this is a dreaded or punishing event.

Allowing sex ed to happen organically during a regular day with the family makes it much easier. It’s a healthy, natural part of life so why not discuss it here and there?

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Who’s my cousin? Here’s a slant on it taking a global village

5 Things to Avoid When Teaching Sex Ed to Your Kids!

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Part 1 of a 4-Part Series:  “Sex Ed Tips For Awesome Parenting in the Digital Age”

Parents are so uncomfortable teaching sex ed that they simply put it off until…forever. Or they hand the kid a book or expect the school or peers to handle it. This leaves kids uninformed, hungry for knowledge, and vulnerable. With unfiltered access to the Internet, kids are being groomed to be customers with graphic pornographic video expertly modified to capture the viewer. Do you really want your child captured by porn? Or worse yet, a sexual predator? GetKidsInternetSafe was developed to solve exposure problems that are reaching epidemic proportions. Our best line of defense is good parenting. This program assures your bases are covered! Todays article is about child and parent empowerment through education and cooperative communication.

Learning about sexuality is a lifelong process that starts as soon as you become aware of yourself as an independent being. A comprehensive knowledge allows us to make healthy decisions about our bodies and intimate relationships. As I mentioned last week, school and the Internet should not be your child’s sole resources for sexual education. Do your best parenting by providing your kids with a positive and factual view about sexuality by covering these sexual education tips. If you model healthy dialogue early, then your kids will come to you for answers!

This week I surveyed my university students about sexual education in the home. Despite the fact that it is commonly known that sex ed is important for healthy development, only one male student in my class said he had been educated about sexuality by his parents! And even then, he elaborated that the education was one quick conversation clouded in discomfort. More female students reported they received in-home sexual education, but most said it was primarily about puberty and menstruation and that sexuality issues were discussed with more fear-based content than education-based content. They were in enthusiastic agreement that kids need far more than that to develop a healthy self-identity, especially with so much unfiltered sexual content readily available on the Internet.

As always, I trust you to custom fit my suggestions into your family with your best judgment. Families and children are unique, and nothing guides better than parental instincts. Below are the first 5 sex ed tips in my 4-part series “Sex Ed Tips for Awesome Parenting in the Digital Age”. Hold on to your hats moms and dads, this is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting but also one of the most important!

 

5 Things to Avoid When Teaching Sex Ed to Your Kids!

 

  1. SILENCE:

    Choosing to stay silent and avoid sexual education may cause confusion and shame for your child, which is more likely to lead to later hang-ups about sexuality and irresponsible sexual choices. Being an awesome parent means doing what’s best for your child, not making yourself most comfortable by avoiding the issue.

     

  2. LEAVING IT UP TO SAME-GENDER PARENT ONLY:

    Both moms and dads should provide education to both sons and daughters. It’s important for them to hear from both perspectives, and they may relate to one parent’s communication style better than the other. Model open dialogue and educated problem solving and start when they’re young!

     

  3. LIMITING CONTENT TO THE TECHNICALITIES:
    Instead of just talking about sex ed mechanics, incorporate family values and beliefs into the discussion. Be persuasive rather than demanding. Your children will learn content AND important skills, all the while feeling that they are part of the perspective-taking rather than coerced into it. Eye-rolls aside, kids generally adopt their parents’ values. The more complex their understanding, the more comfortable they will be with making firm, and sometimes unpopular, decisions.

     

  4. USING THE OPPORTUNITY TO ESTABLISH AUTHORITY:
    Don’t be intrusive or demand disclosure from your children. Your objective is to educate and encourage cooperative dialogue, not scare your children or exert your parental authority. You’re not their friend, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be warm, open, and encouraging. Being heavy-handed with your control issues will drive them away rather than into the family support system.

     

  5. BEING RIGID AND LECTURING:
    Avoid uninformed, strict, and inflexible standards. It’s perfectly acceptable to explore issues prior to sharing your position. It’s also OK to disagree. Give your children time to develop a perspective rather than demand adoption of yours.

Phew! I know this is scary stuff, which is why I wrote it! I encourage you to think about it, discuss it, and decide for yourself what is best your family. I read this entire series aloud to my kids and husband, and I have to admit, watching my husband’s reaction was pretty funny. It sparked lots of good questions from the kids and, later, an awesome collaboration with Dan. It honestly made us feel great knowing we are arming the kids with education in preparation for a world that is not always so friendly.

I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Is There a Secret to Awesome Parenting?

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All of us find it challenging sometimes to meet our obligations AND be an awesome parent. I hope this blog inspires you to be present and engaged with your kids today in a way that fills your heart and soul.

There is a secret to being an awesome parent! It also comes with a bonus feature of being the secret to life. It takes deliberate effort, but it’s fun and easy and requires you to fill your heart like you did as a child.

FLOOD YOUR BRAIN WITH HAPPINESS

AND

SHARE IT!!

 

Immediately upon reading this, did you…

A. Nod knowingly with a gentle, celebratory smile?
OR
B. Roll your eyes back with an exhale of defeat?

Your reaction determines which camp cabin you’ll create today, A) Camp Champion or B) Camp Naysayer?

Did you go to summer camp when you were little? If not, I bet you wanted to. Summer camp is every child’s dream; camp counselors with silly names like Skeeter, dirty sneakers, chili burgers, adventurous hikes, giggling skits, flashlight duels, and scary midnight sounds. Summer camp is a regular, magic-child-day multiplied by extra special. As a parent, you design and model which camp cabin your kids dwell in everyday. It’s all about how you “skeeter” it. Today, make it extra special.

As a child psychologist, I’ve learned how to capture, delight, and light up my little patients the minute they walk in the waiting room. My husband calls it my “sunshine” and often comments on the evident power of providing a ray of light to my patients. Once I capture their little hearts by showing them how they throw a sparkle into my day, they become deeply engaged in the alliance and work hard to meet their goals. After a session, Camp Champion parents feel the momentum, take the baton, and lead their children to victory. The sunshine is easy to elicit and it invigorates me. Honestly, I’m blessed to have my heart flooded with it many times a day. Psychologists call this being mindful and engaged. blogawesomeparenting1-683x1024

 

Children thrive in Camp Champion, where wonder, delight, and magic blossom spontaneously. Beds get made by leprechauns, toothbrushes create swirls of sparkling fairy dust, pop songs get belted out with grand flourish, zigzag paths spring between rooms, and a lurching zombie cooks breakfast and pack lunches while dramatically dragging his broken foot behind him.

During magic moments, creative conversation blossoms and allows you to become fully aware of your children and what is important to them. The material from your mutual delight will seed private jokes and silly shticks that will provide delightful hits of entertainment to sprinkle throughout a day, everyday.

With so much to do and distractions pulling at your attention, it is easy for the home/cabin to become Camp Naysayer. If you get sucked into the vortex of business, your kids will find things to do on their own, complain of being bored when really they’re lonely, and they’ll seek solace with too much screen time. Some independent play and screen time is awesome, but every day, all day is too much. And I suspect that if you’re the leader of the Naysayer cabin, you too are lost behind your screen and also feeling busy, but bored…and lonely.

As a Mom, I’m aware that it’s impossible to spend all day in magical playtime. At this very moment while I’m writing this blog, The Babies (what we call the little ones even though they are now 12 and 10 years old) are orbiting me like long-legged chattering planets. My daughter is sitting on the stool next to me happily prattling about the visit I just promised her to the lamb barn this afternoon where we will volunteer time shoveling hay and feeding bottles to tiny lambs. Meanwhile, my 10 year-old son, not quite as infatuated with shoveling, is negotiating a pre-adventure visit to the shaved ice spot complete with rainbow flavors. My thoughts are engaged in no fewer than four different places. But I’m taking my own advice. When they talk I stop my activity, look them straight in the eye, and share a smile. Work can wait for this precious moment. With my oldest away at college now, I’m aware these moments are fleeting. My soul holds on to our magic moment memories like a direct feed to my life source.

Today be Camp Champion and skeeter your daily activities. When the kids aren’t around, block off some time to do your work and accomplish it without distraction. THEN, block off playtime with your kids. When you first lay eyes on them, soak them in with gratefulness and let them see your enthusiasm for the magic they bring into the room. Throw your sunshine, get amped, smile big, and challenge them to an adventure for champions!! They will buzz with excitement.

If you have a friend who is excellent at Camp Champion or who has earned a precious day with his/her babies, pass on GetKidsInternetSafe.com. I’d also love to hear about your magic moments in the comments!

Love makes us happy and time brings us love. Honor it. Cheers to a day of engagement with your kids rather than your technology.

 

Onward to More Awesome Parenting,

Tracy S. Bennett, Ph.D.
Mom, Clinical Psychologist, CSUCI Adjunct Faculty
GetKidsInternetSafe.com

Photo credit:

Love by Shena Pamela, CC by-NC-by-SA 2.0

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