You’re reading with the hopes that this is one of those bait-and-switch sensational articles, right? Oh how I wish that was true. Unfortunately, I have run across a phenomenon that few parents know about, and those that do are too ashamed to tell anybody. The ugly truth is that middle school girls, with their immature frontal lobes and tender insecurities, are trying to attract high school boys by texting them sexy images of their blossoming private parts. It’s like they’ve invented an unregulated child porn matchmaking profile that doesn’t even have privacy settings, terms of agreement, or the option to delete the profile. Just a CLICK and SEND and your daughter’s catastrophically nude profile image is available to everybody everywhere forever, no take-backs. Thirty seconds of bad judgment at twelve years old launches a nightmare digital footprint and sullied online reputation. Ouch!
And what about the boys? They enthusiastically log in to this mess too. Some become expert at grooming the girls to send the sexy photos which they then share with their “boyz” on the wrestling team for quickly growing “<city name> nudes exposed!” collections. And to make things more horrifying, the boldest of the boys proudly share their name lists of the virginity prizes personally collected from girls they intentionally targeted who were too young to know any better. Fifteen minutes and these young women have exposed their vulnerabilities, their reputations, and the essence of their true potential. It’s like these teens lost their minds and logged in for an on- and off-line pimp-prostitute internship program. All that was needed was a mobile phone with texting ability and a misguided sense of adventure.
How do I know this? Because I’m a psychologist and the teens I see tell me the shameful truth, all of it; the truths that trigger pride, shame, sadness, and desperation. They tell me all about how they “released their nude” when they turned 12 years old in order to attract attention from the older boys. Or how they were duped into it by the soothing promises from entrepreneurial Romeos, only to find out later that they were lied to and it had been shared over text to the high school football team. There’s also the confessions from the boys that get their “ah-ha! I was being a dirt bag” moment when their frontal lobes come online later in high school. And believe it or not, both genders are capable of being predatory on the other. I hear what most parents don’t know.
I remember the first session when I realized this was a thing. I was seeing a beautiful eighth grade girl who was starting to get it and was lamenting about her best friend who purposely “put a nude out” when she was 11 year old. At 15 years old, the friend was bizarrely proud of it being re-released via text to “everyone in the county” four years later. My client guessed it was the fourth mass texting of the image. I sat there, horrified and dumbfounded, assessing my ethical requirements to the teens involved and my community in general. As a mother, I began visualizing the creation of a blueprint for Rapunzel’s tower in our backyard for my kids, screen-media-free.
So much of my young client’s disclosure made me deeply upset for everybody involved. I was saddened that children this young had already learned how to use and exploit sexuality as a cheap commodity. I was saddened that these kids broker power through contemptuous attention catamount to social media “likes.” I was saddened that there was an army of teenagers willing to receive these tragic misperceptions of self worth. And I was furious that some actively groomed their victims to build a sick collection of lost innocence with no more thought than they gave to their Pokémon collections six months earlier. Keep in mind that in many cases these releases are consensual, while in others coerced.
I imagine you’re thinking, “What kind of amoral community does this writer live in anyway? My kids would NEVER do that!” Right? I’m sorry to tell you that I live in the same community you do. This is not an isolated phenomenon. Participants come from all types of families, families of all income levels and religions with great parents and slack parents. Short of raising your child in a stone tower, there is no family situation where your parenting supervision cannot be breached.
Of course there are situations where children tend to be the most vulnerable. But the temptation is there for even the most well adjusted kids. And to make things even more concerning, this pimp-prostitute culture does not always end by college age. The media is rampant with stories of fraternity houses that have private Facebook pages littered with nude photos of non-consenting women and blatant drug deals, not to mention social media and hookup dating sites flooded with sexual trolling. Like it or not, the young have their own culture of sexuality that is different from their parents.
What has led us here? Is it the unregulated Wild West atmosphere of the Internet? Perhaps it is the moral decay of the Western culture? Perhaps it is the accumulation of sexualization and objectification of women splashed throughout popular culture over decades? Are permissive parents to blame or the rapid technological developments we simply cannot keep up with? And more importantly, what is going to lead us out?
My university students and I discuss this often, and I think you would be surprised how many advocate for mass regulation and filtering while I wonder about the sincerity of their self-righteousness. Because like them, I am conflicted about what makes up our “rights” for online liberties balanced with personal vulgarity and decency standards. Until our legislators are able to fully secure online child pornography portals, some which apparently begin in our own unsuspecting homes, parents must get serious about becoming informed and taking real action. And believe it or not, waiting until your child reaches the teen years to do this is simply too late.
I created GetKidsInternetSafe (GKIS) to provide sensible support and easy-to-implement guides for parents at all stages of the game. After all, the fantasy of locking your child out of technology is simply not realistic. Whether you have a toddler just starting to clamor for her tablet, an elementary schooler playing his first video game, a middle schooler begging for social media, or a high schooler who’s already technologically fluent, it is imperative that you become fluent in screen media activities.
With the help of GKIS, you can become informed, educate your children and set expectations about digital citizenship and online reputation, create a family dialogue about GKIS screen smarts, stage your home, filter and block online portals, set up sensible GKIS family rules and regulations, and most important of all, become your child’s trusted ally and guide should they stumble into an on or offline tangle. Too busy or overwhelmed by the task? Let GKIS be your guide.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.
Did you see the YouTube video of the Minnesota dad defending his 14-year-old Black-American daughter from racist Snapchat cyberbullies? It went viral and gained over 7 million views! Instead of standing by, he took matters into his own hands. Read today’s GKIS article and see if you agree with the way he handled it. Also, find out what we at GKIS think the internet hates.
How a Dad Defended his Daughter Against Cyberbullies
Bradley K’s daughter and her friend were sending Snapchat selfies to friends when freshman twin boys viewed them at a party and responded with racist, sexist giggling comments. She showed her parents who were horrified and recorded the snaps. They then tried to contact the boys’ parents on several occasions, even knocking on their door.
When the boys’ parents didn’t respond, Mr. K went to the police. The police investigated and shared Deron P’s (the dad of the boys) cell number with Bradley K. Mr. K left a message for the boys’ parents, only to receive a series of verbally abusive responses. Mr. K was furious and threatened to post the voicemails on YouTube. Mr. P reportedly replied, “I don’t care.”
So, Mr. K posted them.
The Fallout
After the publication of the YouTube naming Mr. P and the high school his boys attend, news reports stated that Mr. P lost his job and was admitted for detox from prescription pills and alcohol. The P family also released the following statement:
“The P family is not racist, nor do we use the “N” word lightly in our household. What happened was very unfortunate for both families, and we hope each family can heal and move on from this. There is no excuse for how Deron P acted, and nothing can take back the words he said to Brad K.”
Isn’t this dad bullying back?
Due to my experiences as a mother, clinical psychologist, and professor at CSUCI, I created GetKidsInternetSafe to support kids and parents in exactly this kind of situation, which are increasingly epidemic in our unregulated online culture. As a result of my expertise, people come to me for my specialized GKIS parenting programs and informational support. In this capacity, I received an email from a good friend with this news report asking what I thought of Bradley K’s posting. She said, “Isn’t this dad bullying back?”
Upon watching the video my heart goes out to Bradley and his daughter. He is clearly hurt and angry and has every reason to be. I’m a mother and I know the almost-crippling rage that burns when somebody hurts my child. I TOTALLY GET IT.
And the racist and sexist verbal abuse that this beautiful teenage girl had to endure…my thoughts play like a slide show of the hundreds of cyberbully stories I have helped young people process in my clinical office. I ache with empathy for the pain kids experience at the hands of their impulsive peers; pain that becomes woven into the tapestry of how they view themselves, their bodies, and their very identities. Like Mr. K, I am angry at the permanent damage that is being inflicted on our kids over screen media.
But here’s the kicker; I also treat the cyberbullies. In fact, more times than not, the victims have retaliated or acted badly on social media themselves. Victims often respond by perpetrating back or passing the abuse to another peer. And so on, and so on, and so on. Each child becomes a desensitized and sometimes monstrous participant, usually under parents’ noses.
What do you think of Mr. K’s choice to publicly air this incident?
He stated his intent for the Ps to “own” their racism. Considering the content of the statement released by the P family, that ownership simply did not happen. The children involved are now held up for public scrutiny for the public to debate this very real, very painful, and very common issue. The victims and cyberbullies will be forever paired with this shameful, brutal, and highly publicized incident.
I don’t vilify Mr. K for making the decision he did. He tried civilized means of resolution only to be verbally assaulted himself. Furthermore, he had no way of knowing he would get 7 MILLION views.
And my opinions about Mr. P? Clearly the man has serious substance abuse issues and wrestles with hate. My father taught me it is never OK to kick those who are already wounded. Assert myself, yes, but brutalize back, no. I’d like to think I wouldn’t make Mr. K’s choice myself. But having addiction in my family has taught me the hard way that addicts can provoke the worst from us.
My passionate feelings about this incident have little to do with the parents actually and more to do with the children. These boys are 15 years old! They were at a party showing off for friends harassing girls they didn’t know. They were clearly raised with ignorance and hate and verbal abuse. They were likely taught that this behavior is what men do. And any 10-minute Internet surf session shows us that this revolting behavior is modeled to our kids hundreds of times a day online. These goofball boys’ split-second decision has resulted in the financial ruin and public humiliation of their entire family; a piercing punishment indeed for 30 seconds of poor judgment.
Here is what you and your kids need to know about the Internet:
THE INTERNET HATES
The Internet hates privilege. It hates poverty. It hates women. It hates men. It hates puppies. It hates children. It hates race. It hates culture. It hates anybody and everybody, everywhere and all of the time. The Internet spews all that is inside of us – all that is vile, ugly, and hurtful – all that is loving, beautiful, and nurturing.
And kids get mixed up. They can be TERRIBLE at determining what is funny and what is brutal. Kids need to be taught humanity, generosity, and assertiveness. They need to be taught by those who most love and understand them, their family. They need to fail and succeed, only to fail again before they get it right.
And sadly, some parents are TERRIBLE at parenting. These parents need to be taught humanity, generosity, and assertiveness themselves. So many of us get lost in our jobs, our relationships, our finances, and our addictions. We all sometimes lose our way to some degree or another. We all need support and love and understanding to find our way back. Like our children, we need to fail and succeed, only to fail again before we get it right.
Mr. K is clearly an intelligent and loving man. Was it his responsibility to teach Mr. P? Was it the police officer’s job? Perhaps the school staff should have intervened more effectively.
I don’t know an easy answer to this. But I do know that our kids saw us buy an 86-year-old stranger and his wife their dinner this week for his birthday. We didn’t know him, and we asked that the server not point us out. But what a gift to us to see the old man light up when he was told about the gift. And to our delight, we watched the 20-year-old server love all on him (“He’s a regular!”) and then witness no fewer than six other people from the restaurant come and shake his hand.
Our kids watch us love on our pets, talk kindly to our neighbors, hug and kiss each other, and validate them when they feel hurt, angry, or confused about the actions of others. When they act terribly toward each other or others, we patiently reprimand them, encourage better problem-solving, and reassure them that it’s ok to make mistakes if you learn from them. Anger, frustration, and remorse are normal and must be validated rather than shamed. We make sure they know our values and challenge them to develop opinions of their own. We are not perfect parents, but our kids absolutely know we are there to listen and support them through success and failure.
Please, in the wake of tragic news events like this one, do the world a favor and take the opportunity today to pay a little kindness forward to somebody in your life, stranger or kin. Love and education are how we spread kindness, not public shaming and humiliation. And please, most of all, protect and guide the children, cyberbullies and victims alike. Their prefrontal lobes are not done developing until they are 23 years old! We have to lovingly guide them knowing that perfection is not a reasonable expectation of anybody, especially of impulsive teens.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Is your child smoking pot? I hope not, but parents are the last to know. Within the last five years, kids are smoking pot sooner and at higher rates. As marijuana becomes increasingly available (and legal), kids perceive the drug to be less risky. With the increasing potency of this addictive drug, marijuana poses a significant risk to the developing brain. Educate your kids now before they try their first pot brownie. That means a heart-to-heart talk with the facts BEFORE middle school!
Marijuana use is UP and smokers are starting younger.
Just as I’m hearing in my suburban psychology practice, five-year trends reflect increasing marijuana use among tenth through twelfth graders, with kids starting to smoke at younger ages than ever before. We haven’t reached the peak use rates of the 1970s, but we may be getting there.
However, there is hope! Teaching kids the facts may hold off experimentation. For instance, when popular media covered the adverse effects of synthetic marijuana (spice, K2, or wax), use rates went down. Educating your kids about the easily available marijuana their friends are smoking optimizes the chance they’ll use good judgment. Here are the facts parents need to know!
Today’s pot is far more potent than pot from the 1970s-1980s.
The average marijuana today contains 20-30% THC versus 1980’s pot which averaged 4% THC. That means that old research conclusions barely apply to today’s pot. Furthermore, as THC potency increases the number of cannabinoids decrease. Cannabinoids are the chemical compounds in marijuana that is responsible for proposed medical benefits.
Marijuana is physiologically and psychologically addicting.
Cannabinoids increase dopamine in the pleasure center of the brain. This is the same process that underlies the reinforcing effects of ALL addictive drugs. Because there is a high concentration of cannabinoid brain receptors in many different areas of the brain, marijuana has many effects on the user. This is why marijuana is in a drug class of its own with effects that qualify it as a hallucinogenic, sedative, or analgesic.
Similar to all drugs of abuse, there is clear and consistent evidence of tolerance, withdrawal, and craving resulting from marijuana use. For the benefit of three hours of a high, you have the cost of up to fourteen days of withdrawal. Withdrawal symptoms include irritability, stomach pain, anxiety, loss of appetite, and insomnia.
Starting young and smoking often makes you dumber.
Chronic marijuana smokers younger than 18 years old demonstrate an average IQ decline of eight points and other signs of impaired mental functioning by age 38 years.
Marijuana has legitimate applications for some medical conditions.
The marijuana effects of increased hunger and happiness have been found to be helpful for the nausea, anorexia, and wasting experienced by people with HIV (Bedi et al. 2005; Haney et al. 2007; Lutge et. al. 2013) and chronic neuropathic pain related to HIV, multiple sclerosis, and peripheral neuropathy (Lynch et al. 2011; Ware et al 2010). However, marijuana is rarely recommended as first-line treatment due to side effects. Most studies evaluate the oral forms of marijuana rather than smokable forms.
Marijuana obscures psychiatric presentation and generally makes mental illnesses worse rather than better.
Anxiety Disorders: Self-medicating with pot leads to cyclic withdrawal and heightened anxiety that is harder to treat with traditional therapies. Marijuana lowers GABA, natures calming neurotransmitter.
Mood Disorders & ADHD: Marijuana dysregulates serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, the neurotransmitters related to mood and attention disorders. In other words, pot makes mood and ADHD symptoms worse.
Schizophrenia: Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder characterized by hallucinations, delusions, and a lack of initiative. It is typically incurable and progressive, often seen among our homeless population.
Here is the most disturbing research outcome I have read in my twenty-year career. The use of marijuana increases the chances of developing schizophrenia by 600% for heavy smokers, 400% for regular smokers, and 200% for any smoking (Andréasson et al. 1987; Stefanis et al. 2013)! This does not mean marijuana causes schizophrenia, but it certainly increases the chances that it will occur. I caution my patients often, why take that kind of risk with your life and brain health just to get high?
You can’t be sure all you’re smoking is marijuana.
Marijuana is often laced with more addictive drugs like cocaine, heroin, or PCP to keep buyers buying. Although adulteration if far less of a risk for marijuana than other drugs, the heavier the drug the higher its price. As a result, adulterants like lead, silicone, Mountain dew, and Windex have been commonly discovered in pot samples. Marijuana is also often treated with pesticides to optimize profitable quantities. So much for organic.
Chronic marijuana use is particularly harmful to the developing brain, because it decreases Brain Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF).
BDNF is a chemical that regulates the birth, survival, and repair of the cells that make up the brain. BDNF is responsible for what scientists call neuroplasticity, the adaptive processes underlying learning and memory.
Pot lowers BDNF levels. So if an adolescent’s brain is not developing normally, pot may make it worse (D’Souza et al. 2009; Zammit 2003). Clinically we have found that if we can get our client clean from marijuana after their first psychotic symptoms, they have a far better chance of recovery rather than suffering a progressive course.
Chronic marijuana use has been found to have various negative health effects, including:
a suppressant effect on immune system (long-term unknown);
an adverse effect on the reproductive systems of men and women (lower testosterone and lower sperm count in males and lower LH secretion in females), but there is no evidence of a change in fertility;
no identified increase in birth defects, but may contribute to low birth rate and less maternal milk production;
problematic behavioral syndromes including lower GPA, more truancy, higher drop out rate, and more delinquency.
Marijuana has become BIG BUSINESS.
Big tobacco money is investing in the marijuana industry. As a result, I anticipate the “mom and pop” head shops will be going bankrupt while even more slick marketing comes on the scene. There’s big money to be made at the expense of the public’s health…again (remember tobacco?).
As marijuana gets more addictive and capable of generating profit, we are seeing a more diverse product line of smokables and edibles, some of which are packaged to be attractive to children. Although there are no reported cases of death by marijuana overdose, there are increasing numbers of emergency room visits due to marijuana use. Safety groups are advocating for potency limits, better labeling, bans of products packaged to appeal to children, and a regulatory structure for marijuana similar to those that exist with tobacco and alcohol.
Regardless of your opinions about adult use of marijuana, I think we can all agree that marijuana is harmful for children and teens. I hope these facts inspire you to have a factual discussion with your kids. Although education isn’t all kids need to stay safe from drugs, I am frequently pleased to see my clients alter their course after a factual and reasonable discussion about the risks of marijuana on the developing brain.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.
Andréasson, Sven, Ann Engström, Peter Allebeck, and Ulf Rydberg. “CANNABIS AND SCHIZOPHRENIA A Longitudinal Study of Swedish Conscripts.” The Lancet 330.8574 (1987): 1483-486. Web.
Bedi, Gillinder, Richard W. Foltin, Erik W. Gunderson, Judith Rabkin, Carl L. Hart, Sandra D. Comer, Suzanne K. Vosburg, and Margaret Haney. “Efficacy and Tolerability of High-dose Dronabinol Maintenance in HIV-positive Marijuana Smokers: A Controlled Laboratory Study.” Psychopharmacology 212.4 (2010): 675-86. Web.
D’Souza, Deepak Cyril, Brian Pittman, Edward Perry, and Arthur Simen. “Preliminary Evidence of Cannabinoid Effects on Brain-derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF) Levels in Humans.” Psychopharmacology 202.4 (2009): 569-78. Web.
Haney M, Gunderson EW, Rabkin J, Hart CL, Vosburg SK, Comer SD, Foltin RW. “Dronabinol and Marijuana in HIV-Positive Marijuana Smokers: Caloric Intake, Mood and Sleep.” JAIDS 45 (2007): 545–554. [PubMed]
Lynch, Mary E., and Fiona Campbell. “Cannabinoids for Treatment of Chronic Non-cancer Pain; a Systematic Review of Randomized Trials.” British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology 72.5 (2011): 735-44. Web.
Meier, M. H., A. Caspi, A. Ambler, H. Harrington, R. Houts, R. S. E. Keefe, K. Mcdonald, A. Ward, R. Poulton, and T. E. Moffitt. “Persistent Cannabis Users Show Neuropsychological Decline from Childhood to Midlife.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 109.40 (2012): E2657-2664. Web.
Stefanis, N. C., M. Dragovic, B. D. Power, A. Jablensky, D. Castle, and V. A. Morgan. “Age at Initiation of Cannabis Use Predicts Age at Onset of Psychosis: The 7- to 8-Year Trend.” Schizophrenia Bulletin 39.2 (2013): 251-54. Web. http://schizophreniabulletin.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2013/01/10/schbul.sbs188.abstra ct
Ware, M. A., T. Wang, S. Shapiro, A. Robinson, T. Ducruet, T. Huynh, A. Gamsa, G. J. Bennett, and J.-P. Collet. “Smoked Cannabis for Chronic Neuropathic Pain: A Randomized Controlled Trial.” Canadian Medical Association Journal 182.14 (2010): E694-701. Web.
Zammit, S. “Self Reported Cannabis Use as a Risk Factor for Schizophrenia in Swedish Conscripts of 1969: Historical Cohort Study.” Bmj 325.7374 (2002): 1199. Web.
From 7 to 11 years old, children are starting to function on their own in a variety of settings. They are running with friends, completing their classwork, and even doing simple household chores. As a result, adults expect more independence and responsibility from them than ever before. Yet even with their rapidly developing skills, school age kids need warm, supportive, and engaged parents in order to develop sophisticated information processing skills, an independent work ethic, secure emotional attachments, high self esteem, and a strong sense of morality. No longer do parents need to chase school-age kids for physical safety, we now must transition to coaching psychological safety. As you read this crash course, keep in mind how your family’s technology use guidelines may interfere with, or enhance, blossoming developmental skills.
As school age kids become more sophisticated in their cognitive and language skills, adults may be inclined to view them as “little adults.” This is a mistake. Seven to 11 year old kids are still in a stage of rapid development and need active parental supervision and guidance.
Brain Development
These facts provide a sophisticated understanding of anatomical brain development that allow new developmental abilities. Perhaps this will help you keep your perspective as you customize your parenting genius:
In general, brain development is less like building and more like “remodeling.” It involves both neuronal growth AND demolition. As a result, we often see brain volume increases and decreases in particular areas as children age and reach increasing brain specialization. Just because parts of the brain reach maximal volume does not mean the brain is finished developing.
For example, as children’s executive functioning becomes increasingly sophisticated (attention, concentration, and organization), frontal lobe gray matter reaches its maximal volume in girls at 11 years old and in boys at 12.1 years old (Lenroot, 2006).
In regard to brain cell demolition, by the age of 10 some cortical regions begin to show decreases in volume, especially within occipital and superior parietal lobes (Brown, 2012). This is called regulatory pruning and follows the “use it or lose it” principal.
Brain lateralization means that certain mental processes specialize in either the left or the right hemisphere. This specialization continues to occur during this age, allowing more subtle and coordinated motor activity and complex thought (Lenroot, 2006).
The efficiency of thinking improves as myelination continues during infancy and throughout adolescence (Brown, 2012). Myelination is the process of sheathing axons (brain cells) with white matter to insulate them and allow them to conduct the electrical impulses that create “thinking.”
The caudate nucleus is a brain structure found in the area of the brain called the basal ganglia, which plays a role in the control of movement and muscle tone and is involved in circuits mediating higher cognitive functions, attention, and emotional states. The caudate nucleus reaches its largest size at age 7 years old in girls and 10 years old in boys before it declines in volume (Lenroot, 2006).
White matter and corpus collosum volumes continue to increase as well (Lenroot, 2006). The most prominent white matter structure is the corpus callosum, consisting of approximately 200 million myelinated fibers. The corpus callosum integrates the activities of the left and right cerebral hemispheres, including functions related to the unification of sensory fields (Berlucchi, 1981; Shanks et al., 1975), memory storage and retrieval (Zaidel and Sperry, 1974), attention and arousal (Levy, 1985), and enhancing language and auditory functions (Cook, 1986).
Cognitive & Motor Development
By now children have lost their first baby tooth and continue increase in size and strength. The average American 7 year old is 50 lbs., 48 inches tall and by 12 years old is 90 lbs., 59 inches tall (CDC.gov). Around ten years old, the onset of puberty begins for many kids, with girls starting slightly ahead of the boys.
Due to increased size, strength, and coordination, school age kids often become involved in team and individual sports. With these activities, parental roles shift from being caretakers to providers of transportation, coaches, and cheerleaders. These role changes significantly impact family dynamics and can strengthen or strain the parent-child connection.
Watch out! I’ve found in clinical practice that parents must surrender the fantasy of who they thought their child would become and accept the child they’ve actually got. Engineers learn to embrace their cheerleaders and football coaches support their chess players. The ease of this transition can profoundly impact ongoing attachment. Lucky for us all, by the time children are school age most parents have fallen madly in love and, with this burgeoning new chapter of acceptance, comes a celebration that the real child is preferable to the fantasy child anyway. Accepting the unique qualities of your child may be more challenging for some parents than it is for others. The key is to have fun in your parenting role rather than becoming a drill instructor.
With increased memory capacity and knowledge stores, children ages 7 to 11 years can now follow instruction without as much supervision. Therefore, they can now spend time and be productive on their own with tasks like chores, homework, and play-dates. Erikson (1964) called this stage industry versus inferiority, meaning that as kids master skills, they develop a sense of pride.
Watch out! School age, technology native kids can now read and have a working knowledge of technology (often even better than their parents). They are able to seek new activities without adult help and can employ sophisticated work-arounds to parent monitoring, filtering, and blocking efforts. Study up Moms and Dads! With so much to know and changes occurring every day, you need GetKidsInternetSafe (GKIS) support more than ever!
Piaget (1952) considered middle childhood the period of concrete operations, meaning that mental operations (ideas held in memory) can better structure thought process. Now children can think flexibly and solve problems, organize ideas, understand social and moral rules, and interpret people’s intentions.
Kids this age are also developing metacognitive skills, meaning they gain a more abstract and complex idea of who they are, what they like, and what they want. We also see children’s interests swaying away from parental influence.
Watch out!Pester power becomes more difficult to dissuade as your child’s arguments and strategies get more sophisticated. Internet marketers are experts at developmental psychology and use these concepts to imbed neuromarketing strategies into child screen media activities. As a result, I am seeing kids wearing down their parents to purchase games, apps, and devices that are outside of their appropriate age rating. GKIS was developed to help parents recognize and better manage child screen media choices, despite the pressures of marketers and your unrelentingly pestering kids.
Language Development
As egocentrism wanes, school age children are rapidly gaining metalinguistic awareness: the ability to think about language and to comment on its properties (Cole, 1993). Now kids can adjust the content of their communications to the listeners’ needs with more sophisticated detail.
Watch out! With these new abilities kids are increasingly able to form complex relationships with adults outside of the family and better able to manipulate caretakers. This is the age that sexual predators often target, because kids are highly vulnerable for Internet grooming. GKIS was developed to help parents block online portals to danger and teach kids resiliency skills so they don’t fall victim. The GKIS Home QuickStart Kit is an excellent tool to be preventative rather than reactive.
Social-Emotional Development
As they get better at incorporating social comparison, school age kids begin to develop a complex, but relatively stable, sense of self based on increasing cognitive, social, and physical competence (Cole, 1993).
As school age kids recognize that effort and ability contribute to academic performance, they become more firmly at risk for developing negative academic self-concepts. GKIS’s efforts to support the parent-child connection and best access technological enrichment can help buffer them from this risk.
Kids within this developmental phase spend increasingly more time with peers than parents, both on- and off-line. Socializing with other children is essential for learning to assertively negotiate conflict. The closer the friend, the more effort your child will put forth to reach a solution (Shaffer, 1989). It is important for parents to provide their children the time and opportunity to develop healthy peer relationships so they can develop social resiliency. The challenge is that kids this age will now choose friends outside of their parents’ influence for personality reasons, rather than simply proximity. As a result, they are exposing, and being exposed to ideas that parents are unaware of and may not approve of.
Watch out! As a clinician, it is glaringly evident that socialization and guidance during this period is critical to learning the skills necessary for social and partnering success later in life. Based on the problems families bring to my office, I am seeing more and more situations that interfere with unstructured peer group play time like excessive screen time, overload of academic tasks, online relationships that compete with face-to-face friend time, and misguided attempts to protect that instead isolate. These obstacles often cause developmental delay that is difficult, if not impossible, to remedy later. It is more important than ever for parents to spend time with their kids AND their kids’ buddies. Your influence will not only have an impact on your child’s decision-making, but also on the judgment of their friends. Keep a balance between allowing your child social privacy while also staying engaged in the process. GKIS is an excellent forum to discuss “how much is too much?”
Watch out! As kids become more socially competitive, they often experiment with cyber bullying strategies. As more social media platforms pop up, parents have to be more on-the-ball than ever before. Staying plugged in to breaking tech news is a big part of keeping your kids Internet safe.
Kids move from playing imaginary roles with social scripts to rule-based games. The objective now is not just play to have fun, but play to win. This progression bumps kids directly in the path of conflict negotiation and management of aggression. Girl play is typically more intimate with less direct competition, whereas boy play is in larger groups with more direct competition. Parental encouragement and support of a variety of social activities, including team sports, is awesome for social development.
School age kids start to segregate by gender during school age, become more interested in gaining popularity, and play often takes on sexual overtones (e.g., kiss tag and teasing). As kids near middle school age and puberty, they may also start being interested in experimenting with intimate partnerships.
Watch out! Research surveys demonstrate that sexting and posting sexually provocative pictures are common, even among healthy, educated kids and teens. It starts earlier than people think and parents are typically the last to catch on. GKIS will assist you in setting up an honest, transparent system that will help your child avoid scary pitfalls.
Young children have a difficult time imagining anything outside of their own perspective. Psychologists call this egocentrism. However, during the 7 to 11 year old phase of development, children become less egocentric and are better able to recognize that others have different perspectives, opinions, and intentions than they have. With this new insight, kids can now anticipate how others may react to what they say or do and better “get” potential dangers posed by strangers on the Internet. More specifically, at school age children can imagine that others may have malicious intent and that we all must protect ourselves by not disclosing personal information or unflattering images or actions online.
Watch out! It’s time to teach your children about the consequences of digital footprints, digital citizenship, and online posting.
Parents expect more of elementary school children and tend to change their discipline strategies from spanking or time out to withdrawal of privileges and reward.
Maccoby (1984) described parent-child cooperation in managing behavior “coregulation.”
This increased self-regulation is consistent with Freud’s (1940) assertion that middle childhood is when the superego (attending to community values and standards) becomes dominant.
Middle childhood marks the development of conventional morality. Kids this age tend to choose “the right” in order to or do what they think is fair or to fulfill the role of a “good person” (Kohlberg, 1984).
Piaget (1952) posited that kids ages 5 to 10 years develop a strong respect for rules and enter a stage called heteronomous morality. In this stage kids make decisions based on if there’s a consequence rather than considering the intent of the transgressor. By 10 years old, kids enter the stage of autonomous morality. This means they come to understand that rules can be challenged and even changed if there’s good reason to do so, like intent.
Phew! That’s a lot of developing right there. I tried to keep it short and simple, but that’s difficult due to the massive skill-building that school age kids are developing everyday. Most importantly, it’s critical for parents to recognize that their kids are no longer babies, but not yet adults. They need us now more than ever before!
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetYourKidsInternetSafe.
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I once completed a personality test that corporate coaches use to help place their clients into “best fit” job positions. I don’t remember my whole profile, but I do remember that I wasn’t surprised to see learner and researcher on my list. Productivity is not a challenge for me, but time is! As a busy mom with three part-time jobs, I rely on good organization and efficiency skills more than the average person. Because of these strengths, a colleague asked me to write a blog article that unveils my personal efficiency strategies. I hope one or more of these help you squeeze in the work so you have more time for play!
I dedicated a back room as the playroom. This allows my kids to have a personal space for their play materials and to do their thing. This keeps them out of my hair while I’m working. We are lucky that they are BFFs and play really well together, sometimes for hours. I have consistently preached that we must “love and protect” each other, and we tolerate no aggression or name calling EVER. Of course the fight on occasion, but they prefer playing with each other to anything else and have grown to have similar skill levels at their play activities. Because they’re pretty independent and learned peace-making skills early, I get time to do my own thing often at home. This was NOT the case when I raised my oldest, who was an only child for eight years. I got little work done during that time. Ha-ha, true story. So if you are the parent of a single child, I suggest lots of play dates! Entertaining your child 24/7 with not time out to do what you want to do is not reasonable or sustainable.
I equip myself to the tools I need to work at every location. I use DropBox a ton and have a smartphone, a desktop computer home, and two laptops so I’m ready to work any spare moment. This way I can work on the same document any time I have free time and all of my computers sync effortlessly.
I color-code block scheduling on my iPhone calendar and practicing mindfulness. As you see in the lead image, I block schedule my activities throughout the day and stick to a schedule. And just like I stay committed to the present task at hand while doing work, when it’s play time I put screen media away and stay focused on friends and family. I’m a very fortunate woman to have a healthy family and thriving clinical practice. I can honestly say I love my job and my personal time. People often ask if it’s difficult to work with people in emotional pain, but what they don’t realize is I also get to see people getting better every day! Seeing people be amazing inspires me and gives me hope for the world. Love and laughter keep me balanced and fueled more than anything else, so when it’s happening I soak it in fully. #inthepresent #mindfulness.
I hired a great coach immediately and utilized him fully. If you’re working alone, you need help! Isolation is over-rated. When I was referred to a coach when I started GKIS, I trusted my instincts and sent him my action list immediately. In turn he immediately instructed how to get each item completed. I trusted him implicitly, because somebody I respected referred him. He lived up to the hype. He gave me financially insightful, immediately applicable advice. Then, since I awkwardly mouthed off all of the time (I happen to think I’m hilarious), we became friends. His generosity didn’t stop when our coach contract did. Poor guy will never shake me. Oh ya, and I give credit when credit is due. And I do it loudly (thanks Bill O’Hanlon!)
I only watch TV after 9 pm, and then only programs recorded on my DVR. My free time is spent outdoors, with kids, reading, listening to music, or creative development. And because my computer is in the kitchen, I’m still involved with everybody even when I’m doing my own thing. Of course, I get interrupted 8,000 times an hour, but whatever. It still gets done. It helps that I have a freakish ability to concentrate with tornadoes circling me. I can’t take credit for that, it’s genetics.
I am a junky for digital folders. My apps are put in folders on my iPhone screen. Every document I write is in a folder within a folder. I am ultra-organized. I spend little time looking for things, because I file-rather-than-pile immediately after the document is finished.
I seek and trust experts. If I don’t know how to do something, I ask. I surround myself with super smart, generous people that I want to be someday. As a result, they are always there to answer questions and I, in turn, am there for them always. Plus, I make sure they know how grateful I am and host lots of appreciation lunches and happy hours. I try to make all of it fun. My work partners turn into friends. Win-win. Also, I don’t hesitate to delegate and hire help if I don’t have the ability to do it myself.
I’m not afraid to fail or look stupid. I just expect I’ll suck when I’m learning something new. Then when I’m lame at things, I’m not disappointed. I patiently keep at it assuming I’ll get better. Most the time I do. If I don’t, I hire out for it or I bail and try something else.
I prep with an action list and outline. Prep is everything. I have an ongoing GKIS action list and move items from the TO DO to the COMPLETED sections religiously. Before I started writing the book, I had a detailed outline. Before I started blogging, I had 50 titles entered into a spreadsheet. If I come across a cool website or TED talk, I catalogue the link. Creating a vision helps guide my progress and communicate with those who help me with exactly what I need. Trello is awesome for project management! Good communication is critical.
I have a husband who is a great partner. For the first ten years of our marriage I prided myself on doing too much inside the home as well as working outside the home. That was a foolish plan, because after ten years I burned out and semi-retired my cooking and child care monopoly. My husband once said, “I think we over-rode the pony in the coal mine,” and he was right. For the next several months of my domestic semi-retirement, I committed to being happy with grilled meat and bag o’ salad meals. Eventually he learned to be an equal, competent partner in all things. He is my rock. #Loveyoubaby
When someone asks me to do something, I DO IT, and I dual-purpose everything. Simply put, generosity feels good. This list, for instance, will now be a blog article. Blog articles are book material. Book material is online parenting course material. And when the head of my department at the university asks me to teach a new class, I choose a class that will feed into my other interests. In life, I believe everything is connected. In work it is too. I keep an eye on the gestalt as well as the details. And in service of generosity and gratitude, I’d like to thank my friend Marco Frezza for asking me to write this list. I recently met him at a conference and was attracted to his quiet brilliance and the love that filled his eyes when he spoke of his family. Now my ten year-old son is obsessed with his brilliant YouTubes of magic tricks. Check him out! I promise you’ll also be able to tell how amazing he is. Oh, and I’m the boss of me and rarely stop at 10.
I’m the mom psychologist who will help you GetKidsInternetSafe.
Tired of parent #techpanic? There are situations that warrant concern, but let’s face it, technology is here to stay and has huge learning application. Retire the lectures already and take a few fun hours to join ‘em!
Watch educational TV then co-surf the Internet for deeper learning in various learning formats (articles, videos, images).
Google Earth somewhere fascinating and plan a #FakeVacay. Sky’s the limit!
Find craft or decorating recipes then do them: coloring books, origami, paper airplanes! Pinterest is an awesome resource.
