Is the Pot Raising the Kettle? Good Tech Habits and Moms Hiding From Their Kids In the Bathroom.

For years I have met my girlfriends for Friday morning coffee, sharing all that makes up our lives, our celebrations and our grief. I have come to deeply treasure these friendships, not just because these women make me laugh and inspire me in so many ways, but also because we are compassionate witnesses to each other’s successes and failures. Some weeks it’s as if we are having a who-had-the-biggest-parenting-failure-this-week contest; the more ridiculous the screw-up, the harder we laugh.

Like most parents, we admit to our families’ struggles to maintain a healthy balance with technology use and family togetherness. Even during our coffee hour, we are frequently guilty of grabbing our smart phones to schedule shared events, look up book and movie titles, share photos, and even pass it around to view a funny video. This Friday, we shared our experiences with technology vacations.

A technology vacation is when a parent enforces a strict NO ELECTRONICS POLICY with the whole family, which may range from part of a day to several weeks. As a psychologist, I recommend this to clients on occasion. Not only does it break some nasty overuse habits, but it also helps family members recognize technology dependencies and takes the electronic distractions away from family togetherness and other important activities.

I am admittedly a heavy technology user, as are my husband and three children. I rely on alarmed reminders to keep track of events and use texting with clients and university students for efficient scheduling. I love FaceBook and read novels on my iPad. My oldest daughter regularly makes fun of me for taking selfies and scolds me on occasions when I interrupt family time to answer an incoming text. Coincidentally, just moments before I sat to write this blog, Morgan took my picture while I texted in the kitchen, announcing to her siblings, “Here’s Mom in her natural habitat!”

I’m good-natured about Morgan’s teasing, just as she is about mine. It’s true that texting helps me feel connected and gives me a genuine laugh here and there. It is not something I want to give up completely. It also humbles me, so I’m realistic about challenging my kids to turn off the beloved Minecraft in favor of fort building outside. Moderation is key.

Friday, my girlfriends and I stated our intentions to put our smartphones aside during the upcoming week with grand plans for uninterrupted family interaction. Among tips and encouragement, our guilty stories emerged while we laughed. One of my girlfriends has been particularly ambitious and has designated every Sunday technology-free. As we all expressed our admiration, she boldly admitted that she’s not 100% successful disciplining herself, sometimes disappearing into the bathroom to sneak in guilty smartphone time. The rest of us empathized, admitting how our teenagers often get appalled at our technology cheating. Self-righteously and dishonestly, we claim to be performing essential parenting activities rather than admitting to our actual frivolous FaceBook check.

As we assess Internet safety with GetKidsInternetSafe.com, perhaps this is a good week for you to assess family technology habits. Through the coming weeks, be deliberately observant of the time and activities logged on electronic devices, both for yourselves and your kids. Let us know what you notice, your trials and tribulations. Over time, I will offer immediately actionable changes that you can implement to better protect your children and teens from unhealthy use patterns and potentially dangerous Internet activities.

The first step is insight and accountability, especially over your own technology use.

Challenging family members to technology journaling is a good start. Maybe even make some fun predictions.

Suggested daily notations include time logged, location, and simultaneous activities:

• Texting
• Gaming
• Watching television and movies
• Using social media
• Internet surfing
• Video chatting

At this point, I recommend that you simply collect data rather than impulsively restrict technology use. Obviously, intervene if you observe anything that compromises safety. The optimal goal is to make change a cooperative family activity, not a punishing restriction that will be met with resentment and opposition.

1. BE PATIENT AND DELIBERATE. Educate yourself BEFORE you plan intervention.

2. BE TRANSPARENT and share your intent and your observations with your kids. Better yet, invite them to share their observations.

3. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR and an inquisitive attitude, and don’t be offended by their finger-pointing and defensiveness.

4. Remember, TECHNOLOGY IS NOT THE ENEMY and must be embraced and enjoyed. Black-and-white thinking is a mistake; achieving balance is the goal.

Join me in committing to more responsible use so that together we can model control and safety despite technology’s temptations. Share your observations and challenges along the way. If this is useful to you, share GetKidsInternetSafe.com with friends. Not only is friendly support comforting, but laughter and guilty confessions are an excellent way to lighten your day.